Mental Notes and Random Musings: December 2010

Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Countdown - 2010 - 1 Day

From the Boston Glob Page 8, December 25, 1982 ..

It has crossed the news desk of SeeBS news 4 that earlier today in Nazareth, Massachusetts a child was born to the shock and horror of local law enforcement surrounded by circumstances that could only be described as “odd” by the Chief of Police spokesperson.

Aside from the obviously unsafe circumstances, such as being born in a manger surrounded by various farm animals, there appeared to certain “extraordinary” circumstances that forced the Department of Human Services to come and take this child from his unfit parents one Mary and Joseph {both claiming the last name Ofnazareth} and placed into an anonymous facility or as we affectionately call it “the system.”

During the police raid the obviously delusional parents were ranting things like “virgin birth” and “savior” a reliable source tells SeeBS news 4, while also attesting to various nefarious members of society claiming to be “kings” and “wise men.” We are following leads that source them as possible NAMBLA affiliates. In any regards the sanitary conditions of the shed and manger alone warrant removal of said child they claimed they named “Jesus” {obviously Latin Americans} for further safety issues.

At their arraignment they claimed {and it was confirmed} that they were only in town to pay their taxes to the community in which they were born. The story was substantiated by the town clerk that the “Ofnazareths” indeed were born in Nazareth, and there perhaps was a shortage of hotel rooms, but the Governor has proclaimed them homeless refugees already so diligently SeeBS News 4 will not let the facts get in the way of a good story. Unfortunately the Governor has seemed to have misplaced the location of the child originally named “Jesus Ofnazareth” which has only been made more complicated by his renaming “Christian Hatemonger” and coincidentally lost in the system of one of the larger cities. “We are sure that everything will work out for the best from here,” claimed one DHS spokesperson.

From the Boston Glob Page 1, December 25, 2000 ..

Police were called in to deal with hate speech allegations by one "Christian Hatemonger", who has been going around the cities of Massachusetts preaching his version of values to the population at large. His crime of displaying something he called a “Diorama” {he claims is of his own birth} in a public location in plain sight of everyone was the final straw of a long history of bad deeds. Many people gathered around to watch this spectacle forcing the police to fear a “cult like” mentality.

Christian Hatemonger has been noted on several occasions talking publicly about such horrific things as, taking away a woman's right to choose, the sabbath, going to church, baptism, loving your neighbors {especially to the horror of most, children}, and various other values that are none of his business. Most allegations have been corroborated by many in the community.

Not much is known about Christian Hatemonger aside from the information that has been reported on him in the past from reporters Mathew, Mark, Luke and John, but apparently Christian Hatemonger was born a Jew, and since has converted to Christianity before spewing his hate speech throughout the Commonwealth. SeeBS News 4 has been covering the story as it transpires.

Although heinous in nature the crimes levied against Christian Hatemonger have not kept his evil locked away for long, as this morning he was released on his own recognizance, and is again on the loose. Please keep your eyes open for any more hate and rhetoric that is being bandied about by this obviously wicked man.

From the Boston Glob Page 3, December 25, 2010 ..

Police arrived on the scene of a brutal murder today in Golgatha Massachusetts. Almost three decades of hate speech from one Christian Hatemonger has finally come to an end. Police weren't ready for what they actually found, as a brutally beaten and crucified body was found on one of the hills in Golgatha {affectionately called “The Place of the Skull” by the local residents} and immediately was recognized due to his reckless disregard of common decency over the span of his short life.

Christian Hatemonger first came to prominence when his parent had given birth to him in a manger of a stable in the town of Nazareth. The debauchery surrounding that event forced the state to take the child the parents had named Jesus, away and into the state system, where despite many years of publicly funded education, the young Jesus Ofnazareth {renamed by his Foster Parents “Christian Hatemonger”} still fell astray. We can only go back to his horrible parents who in the one day they actually had custody of him, had damaged him for life. We all know the state couldn't have been involved. As he aged his intolerance for diversity had gone from bad to worse. Preaching constantly for love and peace were simply a guise to hide his true hatred of wonderful institutions like “choice” and “diversity” and many times “penance.”

We here at the Boston Glob and our partners at SeeBS News 4 do not in any way condone the crucifixion of another human being, but regretfully have to admit our leanings toward mercy. It was a long cruel life for a very troubled man who was so riddled with psychosis that often he thought he was the son of God, tried to lead the evil Jews towards his version of a better path, had the audacity to try to convert members of the Religion of Peace to his fabricated religion of hate and rhetoric. While crucifixion is a horrible way to end the life of another human being, he was a symbol of scorn known all over the world.

With the death of Christian Hatemonger we here at The Boston Glob and SeeBS News 4 are confident that many of the misunderstood people of the world who have chosen to kill themselves in the process of trying to prove a point to Christian Hatemonger and those that believe his rhetoric can finally have the peace they so richly deserve. Today will go down in history as a day of peace without Christian Hatemonger's and their type of angry, vile, hate speech for years to come.

Governor Deval Patrick was not available for comment, but one of his spokespeople assure us that Christian Hatemonger will be buried in an unmarked crypt, and precautions will be taken to assure he stays there. Whatever that actually means ;8o)

For those who are missing the Christmas Countdown stories of old that aren't being reposted this year, or crave some of the Christmas graphics I have made over the years, I have created a site dedicated to them all .. The 365 Days of Christmas @ The Crow's Nest .. Feel free to poke around it or any of the Madman's site The Crow's Nest ...

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of Jeremy Crow} Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} Mental Rants & Political Rage {For Those That Like His Political Rantings} Mental Imagry & Random Perversion {Adult Stories .. Assume they are rated X} Itching For Coffee {Community Blog} Jeremy Crow on Twitter {For The Easily Amused} Blogaholics Anonymous {E-Mail Blogging Group}

Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Countdown - 2010 - The Wrath of the Penguins - 2 Days

... Continued from Part Two {Start at Part One?}

Oh yeah, walking through countless feet worth of snow, shackled with a blindfold on is a real treat. We were surrounded by penguins carrying automatic weapons before I had even had the chance to shake the cobwebs off. On a brighter note Santa had had his sleigh equipped with airbags or I'm sure they would have had to scoop me up and dispose of me. Rudolf had gone mental just like Santa had hoped, but the sheer number of penguins had overcome him, and I saw him getting bound up and tied to a sled before they had actually thrown all the chains and the blindfold on me. Santa was no slouch either, I think he had been taking martial arts of some sort, and it ain't pretty watching a seven foot hulk of a man getting all Bruce Lee on twenty or so three foot tall penguins, but alas the sheer numbers did him in as well. As for me, not so much.

I'm happy to say that I wore my stay puft jacket considering my breath was coming out, crystallizing and falling in front of me. It made it hard for me to ask the first few hundred questions, but once I got warmed up I was on a roll, “Why are you evil? How far is it now? Why do I have a blindfold on? How come you don't live somewhere warmer?” and in the beginning I had them right where I wanted them. Well that was until they gagged me as well.

We trudged and we trudged until I was just about at the breaking point of my little legs. What a brilliant idea to just fly off to Antarctica on a moments notice, just to find a heavily armed fortress waiting for us. To be honest I was completely in the dark until I heard a voice that could only be my arch nemesis say, “See! I told you that a gag would work!” and I couldn't even tell him off with the stupid gag in my mouth. Hell I couldn't even use my secondary weapon {a good pinch} with my hands shackled together. Heaven forbid he show any gratitude that I at least TRIED to save his useless butt!

Of course they shackled me to the wall right beside Captain ADHD and I saw the Superdaddyman shackled to the wall on the other side of him. There was no sign of Lazius Boycrazius, and apparently Santa and the reindeer were taken elsewhere. The penguins and their automatic weapons were all around us, in the corner of the room was a rather large pile of batteries, how odd. Penguins came in and out dumping large handfuls of batteries in the pile, and my curiosity didn't last long when Superdaddyman said, “At least we know what happens to all those batteries that die quickly at home,” which had Captain ADHD nodding along. I was still gagged, the bastards!

Captain ADHD took advantage of the silence by talking to himself. You've never seen a person hold more involved conversations with himself than this twelve year old mastermind. Most of the time he seems to be encouraging others to overhear what he is saying, in a passive aggressive sort of way, and this time was no different. Of course I was too busy trying to work the gag away from my mouth with my tongue to take too much notice but something he mumbled got the attention of the penguins really fast. “Of course those weapons they are carrying are super secret government issue, and rumor has it that military and various unsavory Chicago thugs get their hands on them,” Don't ask me how he knows these things, but let's just say he does a lot of internet research on things the average twelve year old doesn't.

Penguins went scurrying about the second he said that, and within a few minutes a larger than normal {meaning about three feet tall} penguin came walking in and smacked Captain ADHD across the face. After pulling out a step ladder of course, because despite the Captain's slightly smaller size he is still a giant as compared to the average penguin. The penguin then jumped off the ladder just as Captain ADHD seemingly kicked it out from under his feet, “What do you know kid?” the penguin lashed out at him. Take it from me, that was a stupid question.

“I know that you all seem to be rather well stocked, and my best guess would be that a certain evil bastard with bulging eyes and a lack of Christmas appreciation, is probably behind it,” the Captain said in a bit of a mumble which means his passive-aggressive skills are being sharpened as we speak. This of course brought the step ladder back, and another smack across his face. I of course had just about worked the gag out of my mouth, and was about to say the name, that he was eluding too. After all I had fallen prey to one of this evil doers plots in the past, although it was nice to be respected as a queen. It only fits my adorable personality. Of course the penguin put in charge of watching me firmly reattached the gag before I could quite get it off my mouth.

Of course around the corner and into the cell walked the Ghost of Easter past walked into the cell, and he didn't need a step ladder to walk over and smack Captain ADHD. “You are a shrewd one, but keep in mind that you are MY prisoner at the moment,” Rahm Emanuel said to Captain ADHD. “You've been very active keeping my bid to take over Chicago, and I had to do something about that didn't I?”

Captain ADHD spit blood into Rahm's face and said, “You haven't seen anything yet, you freak! You don't think I haven't taken steps to make sure the chaos ensues even if I am away from the computer?” which is no idle threat, trust me I've seen this kid at work, “Tomorrow every major newspaper in the country will receive expertly Photoshopped images of you and a goat in lingerie!” which bought him another smack across his face, but Rahm was done with him for the moment, as he turned to look at me.

“As for you Ms. Toocutus, you should have listened to your brother and gotten the six gallons of gasoline, 3 balls of yarn, eighteen number two pencils, a jar of pickles, and two brass thimbles, when you had the chance, but you didn't!” he let out a fiendish laugh that didn't scare me of course. Lack of mortality sense is an advantage of a ten year old girl after all. “That's the one thing I have going for me, is that you are to busy yammering away to listen to any good advice,” and what the hell did he expect? That's also the character traits of a ten year old girl!

Little did Rahm know that my greates super power couldn't be quelled for long. Actually ask around and you will know that NOBODY can keep my quiet for this long, unless of course it brings some advantage to me! Using nothing more than sheer mental force the gag ripped away from my mouth, and I used my super ability to evil quite proper! “Why did you kidnap us? Does the president know you are here? Why do your eyes bulge out like that when you are angry? How come you are turning red? Why do you think the penguins will be able to stop us? Didn't your mother hug you as a baby? Why are you evil? Where is my sister?”

The stream of useless non stop questions that left my mouth beguiled him and before he knew it he was taken in by my spell, and worse yet, he started answering my questions mindlessly, “Because I need you fools put away so I can take over the world through Chicago .. Of course he doesn't, he only knows what I tell him .. I don't know .. Screw you .. Because they are evil like me .. NO .. Chicago …... I don't know!” and with that last answer I had him!

My super fast evil mind knew that he had let the cat out of the bag! The president only knows what he tells him, and the president had told me that the penguins had my sister. Rahm doesn't know where she is. Instantaneously I knew what I had to do! I scrunched my face up as tight as I could and started screaming like I had fallen on a pile of broken glass, “LA LA LA LAZIUS .. LAZIUS BOYCRAZIUS!!!!” I screamed out with everything I had, huge crocodile tears flying everywhere. Rahm just looked at me all bemused, as if he thought what I was doing was simply senseless.

“HA!” he cried out into the night sky. “Now you know the real reason I have brought you fools down here! Even your voice can't penetrate the frozen air of the South Pole! I even made sure that we placed sound barriers all around the continent to muffle what little ..” THUMP!

The sound of Lazius Boycrazius's voice after Rahm {smack dab in the middle of his rant} took a near fatal blow to the back of his head, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY LITTLE SISTER BITCH!” shot out almost as loud as my own. Where do you think I get it from? I simply perfected the process.

Penguins came flying out of nowhere trying to subdue the rampaging eighteen year old criminal mastermind as she started throwing hay-makers all around. Her new boyfriend Importeus Boycrazius sauntered into the room with a scared look on his face, “I guess I vil vait in ze cah,”

Lazius Boycrazius stopped long enough to look at him and say, “That's great baby, can you just untie Santa in the next igloo, I should only be a minute,” to which he nodded and got out of there. I don't think the average boy wants to watch his girlfriend getting all super bad ass on a gang of penguins after all. She then continued smashing, throttling, and smacking skulls. It was turning into a bloody mess when she stopped and looked at the big penguin laying in a crumpled heap, and yelled down to him, “and you a-holes are going to buy me a new pair of boots cuz you got your blood all over them,” and then kicked him for good measure. Santa came running in at this point with a royally pissed off Rudolf standing next to him with at least eleven penguins impaled on his antlers. I had a faint feeling of deja vu as Rudolf urinated on Rahm Emanuel's head.

I can see how Santa get's all those toys on his sleigh, as the pile of penguins, and a rather lethargic wanna be gangster were all loaded up in the back. Lazius Boycrazius and Importeus Boycrazius both got back in his car and she spit on the pile as they drove off. I'll have to remember to ask her later how they managed to drive out here, intermixed in about seven hundred other hugely important questions that have been eating away at me for hours at least. Santa looked at us all and said, “Everyone get in the sleigh, I barely have time to get you back, drop these clowns off at the Megalopolis penitentiary, and get all the the toys out to the good boys and girls,” he scratched his beard while we filed in, “fortunately that list gets shorter and shorter every year.”

With a lashing of his whip and a thundering of hoofs the sleigh went flying into the night sky. I looked back quiet for a change feeling that somehow it went too easily in the end and thus we must have forgotten something. I went through a mental checklist as I noticed one of my favorite socks in the pile of mismatched socks. The remote to my Barbie VCR must be in that other pile, and lord only knows how many of those batteries were mine. In the end, I was just happy that Christmas is on the way again, and I have plenty of people to hug and squeeze and love and hold and name them George and Georgette! Santa was shouting out Ho Ho Ho into the sky, and it seemed to fit the scene. Even if I won't remember any of this in another four years. Ignorance is bliss. ;8o)

Meanwhile back in Antarctica a strange sound comes from one of the lone igloos in the middle of the continent. It sounds a lot like Christmas carols sung off key and with a lot of the words changed around. Of course there is nobody around to hear them. The evils's all being gone, Santa and his reindeer having already dropped them off {after a stopping at Walmart to get popcorn for Imtoocutus who had found something to nag about that she had forgotten between the “are we there yet” and “I have to pee”} and was heading north to fill his sleigh and rush around the globe. “You better not spit, you stupid little #$%*, you better not bite, you ain't that cute tonight! Superdaddyman's still chained to this wall …..”

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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Christmas Countdown - 2010 - The Wrath of the Penguins - 3 Days

... Continued from Part One

Now don't get me wrong. I did find this whole scenario kinda strange, but I live with a bunch of characters as it is, and I have learned that anytime I try to assume that things are normal they get stranger. It's not like I don't ask a million questions a day {hey I'm ten and a girl, it's part of the job} and I already had a million just walking out the door. The jolly fat man in the red suit didn't look so jolly, and don't get me started on the gang of biker rejects pulling the sleigh. I was about to throw the first question out there when Santa said, “Look we're pressed for time here, and I already know what you are going to say. That's the advantage of keeping the list and checking it twice,” he chuckled at his own joke and continued, “There will be plenty of time for questions when you get in the sleigh,” and with that I hopped in. “I haven't seen you in four years, good to see they let you live this long,” he then said as he swatted at the reins.

I was thinking “Ha Ha” at this point, but the grave nature of the task at hand was still weighing heavily on me. It's not like I actually remember meeting Santa, or heading off to the South Pole before. I did finally say, “So what are we supposed to do when we get down there? I don't have many recollections of the last time I was at the South Pole,” and I left it at that. I mean he would have to realize sooner or later that we're talking about half my life ago anyway.

Santa looked at me and said, “Well I don't know really. We're going to have to go down there and kick some serious penguin butt. That was kinda the plan that the Superdaddyman used when he rescued me,” he swatted at the reins again and the already pissed off looking reindeer turned around and looked at him. “Of course after Superdaddyman failed miserably Rudolf showed up and went all medieval on their sorry asses. Since he still doesn't like them very much, I'm hoping we can just start with that plan and save ourselves a lot of trouble.”

This made sense to me anyway, but of course there was that lingering feeling that it couldn't possibly be that easy. After all I have read enough of Superdaddyman's delusional tales to know that it NEVER goes that easily, and worse yet if I'm not mistaken this is only the second part of the tale, which means there will be a lot of awkward fill before we can get to the whooping of penguin butt anyway. All in all, I am happy to know that we will be taking on criminal masterminds that are at the very least shorter than I am. Of course in the interest of being honest I did throw out there, “I can see kidnapping Superdaddyman, because he'd fall for almost anything, as long as you stroke his ego, but aren't you a bit worried that these guys had the speed and mental skills to capture Captain ADHD?” then I thought about it for another moment, “Or worse yet the sheer force to kidnap Lazius Boycrazius?”

Santa laughed, “Oh NEVER underestimate the diabolical evil of the penguins!” and at that Rudolf {or was it Dancer?} snorted in agreement, “It's not easy to coordinate the efforts to sneak into every home on earth and steal socks. Then to go back and get the remote controls, while at the same time jacking up the volume on every car stereo!” he then stroked his beard as if he was thinking, “Technically speaking, what I do every year is child's play compared to the amount of sheer evil that they can accomplish on a 365 day basis!” and as I thought of this he had a point. Drawers full of mismatched socks and a fortune in replacement remotes alone is the type of chaos liberal activists try and fail at on a weekly basis.

“So why do you need me?” I piped up. I mean aside from being absolutely adorable and able to get away with almost everything I do, I can't see what much use I will be in this endeavor. Aside from telling the tale, while the others are held captive I can't really see what else I am to do.

Santa sure knew how to make a girl feel good about herself, let me tell ya, when he said, “I don't actually know. I thought you would be a real pain in the rear, but Rahm Emanuel insisted that we take you along, and I'm not really comfortable with pissing that guy off. You ever woken up next to a reindeer head?” Santa shivered at that statement. I had an idea what he was talking about there since the “rabbit hole” incident. As a matter of fact I have been meaning to get even with Rahm for that whole ordeal, but I haven't come up with the money for the six gallons of gasoline, 3 balls of yarn, eighteen number two pencils, a jar of pickles, and two brass thimbles my stupid brother says I need to get even properly {don't ask} and have had to put it on hold for now. This can't be very good.

“I definitely understand,” I finally said to Santa, “That guy can kill you with his creepy eyes alone!”

Santa gave another shudder and said, “I'm just thankful he's Jewish because the things he would have done to me for his yearly lump of coal. Not that I don't have to worry about a lot of evil lil bastards in Chicago as it is,” which on that note gave an extra sharp snap of the reigns. Rudolf turned his head and spit at him.

At this moment a strange noise came out of the front of the sleigh. A ringing sound and I could hear a groan from my escort as he reached up under the sleigh's footfalls to pull out the receiver of a red phone. Oh boy, this can't be good, or at the very least coherent. “You know you shouldn't call me when I'm driving,” he said into the receiver. He covered the mouthpiece and then said to me, “That stupid humming of the teleprompter every time he talks gets on my last nerve,” and I had one of my questions answered without even asking it, “Look sir, I need to hand you over to Imtoocutus so I can drive .. Imtoocutus, the one you sent me to pick up .. No sir he's been kidnapped and can't rescue himself, you were talking to Imtoocutus .. The one I picked … UGH .. Here you talk to him,” and with that he handed me the phone.

“.. Let me be clear. I need a sack of White Castle here. The first lady has me on a new diet, and the light cigarettes alone are making me hungry for some White Castle ..” and I pulled the phone away from my ear. After a few seconds I put it back, “.. I refuse to be held hostage by the Republicans not letting me have White Castle,” and after I looked back at Santa he shrugged at me.

I listened {off and on} to another twenty minutes of “White Castle” and at least twenty minutes of “McDonald's” and then something about “Kraft Macaroni & Cheese” but I was really starting to lose consciousness at that point. Santa was getting pretty sick of me turning from the phone and asking a perfectly legitimate question every few minutes .. “Are we there yet?” and he even got to the point of yelling at me, “WHEN I WAS A BOY, WE NEVER GOT THERE .. AND WE LIKED IT!” which disrupted the president long enough to change back from “Kraft Macaroni & Cheese” to a story about the longest trip he ever took to get to a White Castle!

Finally as if it had been weeks since I had seen land we could see off in the distance a great white mass of land. Yep, that would have to be Antarctica, and I could feel my sigh of relief as I was sick of looking at nothing but ocean for the last few hours. Listening to tales of all the crap Obama would eat if his wife would let him hasn't helped either. Santa placed his hand on my shoulder and said, “Better buckle up, there's no way the penguins will leave this place undefended like last time,” and what the hell was that supposed to mean? I didn't have to wait long to find out either as big turrets started lifting out of the ice like a really corny scene from one of the Terminator movies. As corny as it was six surface to air missiles being launched at you isn't as exciting as it sounds.

There was a red glow that came out of the front of the sleigh now as a flashing “evasive maneuvers” light came on. What the hell does Santa need a red alert notification system on his sleigh for? Of course as if he had read my mind Santa shouted out over the hiss of passing missiles, “There are still lots of Christians in Lebanon and Israel!” but that was lost in the mire of eight jets crossing the horizon and flying strait at us. Holy Moses these penguins are serious!

The first pass by revealed that all I could see in the cockpits were the very tops of little black heads. As they passed by the second time they unleashed everything they had, and let me tell you, I for one was rather shocked at how fast and maneuverable a sleigh pulled by reindeer's can be! Unfortunately it couldn't last forever, as we felt the jolt of one the back end of the sleigh tearing apart from the gunfire of one of the jets, and a fast dive from the sky and strait towards the ice below. You have no clue the speed from up to down in a crisis situation but even if I used the bad words Santa was shouting the whole way down I wouldn't have had the time to think them up before the sleigh and reindeer went thumping into the ground .. To be continued

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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Christmas Countdown - 2010 - The Wrath of the Penguins - 4 Days

I grew up hearing the tales of a far off land, where mountains of mismatched socks, and huge piles of lost remote controls. I had heard once or twice that I had been involved in a great quest to rescue Santa Claus from this very location, way down south. Way WAY down south, where the Superdaddyman had always believed that the evil penguins live. Now mind you, I may be young, but I don't buy into all that hype about how those cute little penguins in the Linux promos can be as evil as I hear, and quite frankly I was just a little too young to remember, or even buy that whole story about the “Battle to Save Christmas” so I just smile and let my dad {who I know is the Superdaddyman, but it's better to let him have the fantasy and act cute} sell his stories to the public.

While on that tale, let me say, that despite all the talk of how the Superdaddyman is my arch-nemesis, nothing could be further from the truth. I mean puh-leze I am just a ten year old girl, despite my evil genius, so like most things I just want to hug him and squeeze him and love him and hold him and name him George! Wouldn't you? Of course it is a quiet day here at the Casa-Di-Evils's and that alone makes me extra loveable, in a “wish I had someone to pester” sort of way. I think at the very least nobody in their right mind {oh look who I'm talking about and that statement seems kinda silly} would leave a ten year old girl with the ability to get away with anything, alone. Of course it's not like I am that idiot Captain ADHD {want to hug him and squeeze him and love him and hold him and name him George!} who you can't trust to NOT build some super secret and dangerous spy equipment on the roof to try and extort a Meeeeeeellliiiiioooooonnnn dollars from the world, the second you leave him alone, but I can hold my own! This is definitely odd indeed.

Now back to my second favorite subject {next to everyone else's business} which would be ME! You see I happen to be concerned about Christmas this year. After sending my three hundred page annotated list of demands to Santa Claus I had remembered a few things that I had forgotten. Don't you hate it when that happens? I was just about to sit down to deal with this oversight, and perhaps add a few hundred more things that were at best trivial, but all the same very important to me. The little things like bracelets {and NOT those stupid Disney Princess ones .. UGH} socks, and a jacket that doesn't make me feel like a snow ball. I give these people an A for effort, but they are woefully inept when it comes to outfitting evil genius such as mine! Um .. in a cute sort of way, of course.

That was when the idea hit me! POPCORN! Everything is better when you are eating popcorn! Off I went to the cupboard leaving the unfinished secret communique between myself and Santa, to find to my great horror, that there was no Orville Redenbaucher happiness in a bag! Now we have a problem that the lack of adult supervision finally revealed a glaring hole in my life! Who in the name of God am I supposed to walk around behind nagging .. um .. encouraging to get me more microwave popcorn! I should have seen the obvious lack of father and siblings as the true horror that it was, instead of waking up and jumping up and down on everything like I had. Hey! I'm only ten here, make up your own unsupervised nirvana ok? This was when I heard the noise coming from that place I hear stories of called “The Superdaddycave,” and realized that there was an opportunity to be nosey.

Using that super speed I was born with {yet refuse to use in front of anyone in fear that they might expect me to use it to do something} I was in the control center of the Superdaddycave and staring at the most curious red phone, in the center of the desk ringing. Funny how I had never noticed it there before? Something about that red phone and it's lack of buttons, kinda made me thing that it had “hands off” written all over it, so I picked it up and answered it. Hello? I'm ten and a girl remember?

I didn't even say anything yet when this strange hum came over the phone, so I was a bit intimidated by it up until a voice finally came out of the hum, “Hello, Superdaddyman, this is the Obama,” I didn't even have time to point out that I wasn't the Superdaddyman before he continued in the same actor-ish manner like he was reading from a script and didn't want to be interrupted. Oh is he in for it if he doesn't like interruptions, “You see we have a crisis that is of the utmost national interest,” I again tried to throw in that I wasn't the Superdaddyman but again he just talked right over me. I've heard about people like this, “Let me be clear. It appears that the penguins are back at it again and they have kidnapped the Superdaddyman, Lazius Boycrazius, and Captain ADHD, and even though you are kidnapped I will need you to go strait down to the South pole and rescue them,” and what the heck do you say to such an idiotic statement? Nothing of course because he didn't give me a chance, “I have called in a few favors and procured a couple of our operatives, who you have worked well with in the past to swing by and pick you up, so that you can go and rescue yourself from the penguins and hopefully get back in time for Christmas. This is of the utmost importance because I hear the holidays can be rather busy for not only yourself but the operative I have picked for this mission,” I wasn't even able to get out that I wasn't the Superdaddyman, or how if I was I could rescue myself when he finished up his talk, “They will be there to pick you up as soon as possible, and America thanks you for your service.”

When the humming stopped I finally said “But I'm not the Superdaddyman,” and knew it wasn't heard by the abrupt hang up that followed it. I took this opportunity to raise the level of irony by talking to myself out loud. Of course some would say that I don't need to have irony to talk to myself, but they are lying and wouldn't know cute if it fell out of the sky and crushed them, “So the Superdaddyman was telling the truth about the penguins down at the south pole,” I thought for a minute on that statement and then audibly uttered, “Maybe I shouldn't go down there and save him because then I would have to admit it!”

That was silly after all because even at my age I understand that a call from the president means that you have to respect the office. Lord only knows what I am supposed to do to save my idiot father and my idiot siblings {who I want to hug and squeeze and love and hold and name them George and Georgette!} but maybe whoever it is coming to pick me up will have some ideas. I just hope they have a boat because my teacher explained the south pole to me and you can't get there in the Superdaddymobile, that's for sure. I thought to myself that I better get ready {without popcorn!} and wait by the front door.

Bundled up warm in one of those stupid jackets that makes me feel like a gigantic mushroom, I waited for several minutes {you know .. forever!} wondering when whoever would be getting here. Snow was lightly falling but not accumulating very much on the lawn. This of course was the time I heard faint bells that appeared to be growing louder and louder and louder, until I heard a spilt second before I saw the great thud on the yard. This great thud came from eight enormous reindeer pulling a big sleigh with a larger than life fat guy in a red suit. The krinkled eyes from behind all that beard looked at me through the window in the door and with that he started waving me out to join him. The only thing I could think of was that all those Santa Claus' laps I had sat on all these years were nothing compared to the representation of this seven foot tall giant all dressed in red and in his own way looking kinda bad ass, and the gigundous reindeer standing at the front of the sleigh with the red nose and all the tattoos. Yeah I think we can kick some penguin butt … To be continued

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Monday, December 20, 2010

Christmas Countdown Past - 2009 - The People v Kris Kringle

Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2009 - The People v Kris Kringle {December 21, 2009}

Press Release December the 21, 2009 from the law-firm of Dewey Suem & Howe UnPC.

In reference to allegations founded and purposeful blocked in the case of The People v Kris Kringle or as it is codenamed “The Assault on Christianity: How Santa Clause Stole the Messiah” or “The Crucifixion Conspiracy”

We have been at a bit of stand still over the last couple of years as the elusive Kris Kringle {aka Santa Claus, aka Saint Nick, aka Father Christmas and lord knows how many other aliases} has managed to evade capture so that we can “question” him as to his whereabouts the night Jesus Christ had died. We've continued building our case {People v Kris Kringle} in hopes of clearing all Jews and Romans of unfair accusations in the arena of liability for the real death of the Christ. Despite the huge spin machine mounted by people such as “Mel Gibson”, and divisive hate documents such as “The Bible” we at the law-firm of Dewey Suem & Howe continue to rally the troops to understand the serious nature of the allegations we have brought to bear on Kris Kringle and Horatio Christ.

Now of course Horatio Christ has fallen completely off the radar over the years, and leads us to believe that he is probably deceased {wait until his dad get's a hold of HIM} there still appears to be many sightings of Santa Claus being reported all across the nation and often in other countries as well. Our plot to ravage the earth with massive quantities of carbon dioxide has yet to flush him out of the north pole, but in his brazen lack of conscience he still seems to flout himself around and always on and around Jesus's birthday! To think that he would be such a negative power of example to good dietary habits and so disrespectful that he would only be seen on the very season of the man he murdered, but to bribe all the children with toys to boot. Red suit! Redistribution of wealth! It can only mean communism!

As the case against “The Claus” mounts we find a much more disturbing trend following along. Most of the hard core communists throughout history were privy to the murder of many millions of Christians in an attempt to control the minds of the common man. Here we have conclusive evidence that this Jolly old fat man, runs around blatantly displaying his Marxist on Crack agenda and started it out by killing the very SYMBOL of Christianity! I mean people come on here! A simple jealous rage because of the amount of songs that you and the other symbol of Christmas have dedicated to you has now blown so out of proportion that it is promoting the very enslavement of entire nations of people. We here are not about to sit back and allow this to happen. You can of course thank us later when we have successfully saved the world!

This is where it gets a little sketchy unfortunately, as we have been working so hard to track the fugitive down. Apparently he has been using something called “The Harry Potter” defense to keep us from apprehending him once and for all. We had noticed a disturbing trend when we went to a local Mall sighting of this diabolical, yet elusive criminal. Upon apprehending Kris Kringle {sitting in a throne and acting all holier than thou to boot} and being assaulted by many of the poor children he was in the process of indoctrinating we got the first sign of this diabolical scheme. The apprehended “victim” {or so he says} was spouting the usual murderous venom we usually get when we track down fugitives, and his fake beard fell off. The plot thickened quite dramatically from there. Upon apprehension of many Kris Kringle look-a-likes over the last weeks we discovered that there were much more of them. A simple “beard test” worked on most of them but was thwarted by many that were so entrenched in the “lie” that they had gone as far as to grow real beards. Of course we gave extra tugs and in many cases “swung them around” by their beards, and to no avail, they must be true believers.

Apparently many of the “followers” of “The Claus” aren't really elves either! This new revelation was equally as disturbing as the strip searches of said “elves” unfortunately yielded a bevy of sexual harassment suits due to the fact that many of these elves were female. We are hoping that many of these issues can be settled out of court but who knows? The monkey wrench that such legal actions throws into our efforts to apprehend Kris Kringle and bring him to justice could potentially make it impossible to reach the perpetrator before his usual disappearance just after Christmas. Of course these types of legalities always thwart a thorough investigation so we shall simply carry on as if this conspiracy never existed.

Never fear any of you out there who are as concerned as we are that justice is served in these regards. We received both of the letters of encouragement that were sent to us, and your support means the world to us, as we deal with the thousands of hate letters that we receive from obvious Santa sympathizers. We will not allow this travesty to the very reason for this holiday {well aside from all the other ones} to be disgraced by the willful take over of the very unmentionable that stole the figurehead of the Christmas movement!

Yours always in fighting the good fight ..

The law-firm of Dewey Suem & Howe UnPC

{not legally supported in a few states and outlying territories including but not limited to Alabama, Alaska, American Samoa, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Guam, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Northern Marianas Islands, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Puerto Rico, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Virgin Islands, Washington, West Virginia ,Wisconsin, Wyoming} ;8o)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of Jeremy Crow} Jeremy Crow on Newsvive {For Those That Like His Political Rantings} Jeremy Crow on Twitter {For The Easily Amused} Blogaholics Anonymous {E-Mail Blogging Group} Itching For Coffee {Community Blog}

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Christmas Countdown Past - 2009 - In the Streets of Megalopolis

Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2009 - Superdaddyman Takes on the Ghost of Christmas Presents {December 20, 2009}

All appears to be well in the streets of Megalopolis all alight with the many trappings of Christmas, but this too shall and always will pass. There is always the potential for great evil throughout the streets and for that we are always at great peril! Never fear oh followers of Ho Ho Ho and all the other great things that the street of Megalopolis affords you, there is always the one, the Caped Pervader, the man with absolutely NO plan, the guardian of all from The Terrorist Organization Known as the Evils's {TOKE} why YES, I am talking about The Superdaddyman! In this episode he is patrolling the hallowed halls of the great American Institution known as Wal-Mart in an attempt to procure the offerings necessary to keep TOKE and their hoards of evil minions at bay! The fact that frantic little business skirted maidens are also roaming the hallowed halls in a frenzy to procure their own offerings is irrelevant, but an excellent diversion from time to time.

Of course there is nothing more harrowing than attempting to fight off several dozen evil snow birds in an attempt to lay hands on that last Nintendo Wii {aside from not having the lovely business skirted maidens to .. um .. examine} but as all of you know The Superdaddyman is relentless in his pursuits! Again that brings us to the business skirts, but that is a tale for a different blog, we are talking about the life or death struggle between good and evil here! Not to mention that QVC can always be watched later should the Superdaddyman truly need to get his “perv” on. Keeping this in mind, our stunning {hey, be nice} young {write your own blog damnit!} super villain turned super hero finds himself nearly swarmed under by a swarm of frenzied young maidens {not cuz he's the ever lovable daddyman but because he is blocking the display to the Zhu Zhu Pets} but recovers quite fashionably with hardly any slaps while attempting to .. um .. balance himself .. yeah that works!

That last ditched effort to get to the Nintendo Wii {all in the name of saving the world donchaknow} the Superdaddyman again was thwarted by a new evil that has unveiled itself in Megalopolis! Many fall to the awe inspiring might of the Superdaddyman, but there is always someone to come along and raise that mantle now isn't there? This one secretly code named “Bitchy Old Lady} {BOL} hobbled off with the last $189 Nintendo Wii leaving the Superdaddyman to stare aimlessly at the pile of untouched $299 X-Box 360s. Leave it to the evil Billgatus of Borg {BOB .. Not to be confused with the “other” superhero to many of the fair maidens} to charge more money for something that sucks! Of course if it were an Apple product it would be $799 and old within a year, so we digress and get back to the point. It is now a matter of life or death that the Superdaddyman start on his newest Quest! Thus the saga begins with “Operation Get the Nintendo Wii or else the Rotten Little Bastards Will Start with the Whole Our Mom Who Never Does Shit for Us Loves Us More Talk Until Next Christmas” {OGN .. um .. W .. E .. Damnit! .. THEPLAN!}

Now this isn't something that The Superdaddyman takes lightly! There are many factions in the world of “Get The Daddyman!” {GTD} who are always there to make sure that evil people {Like the Penguins Yanno?} get there small albeit few victories over our beloved Hero! Many a consideration must go into OGD .. um ..THEPLAN not the least of which is the global conspiracy between Fed-Ex and UPS to make sure that all top secret material {porn movies, cigars, Victoria's Secret catalogs .. um .. Nevermind} gets to the Superdaddycave, late, damaged all to crap, and in best case scenerio not at all. Heaven forbid that a simple house address be so misconstrued because the stupid street that the Superdaddyman hides out on goes through 2 cities and shipping GPS don't do Zip Codes or anything. This of course leaves the Superdaddyman forced to check other super secret “retail locations” {many during non smoking hot business skirt hours .. damn!} to try and procure the goods!

Onward to the enemy empire {K-Mart} the Superdaddyman trudges. Unfortunately for all involved K-Mart is far less appealing to a hero of The Superdaddyman's mad skills {no business skirts and no fair maiden's at all, aka, a waste of a good social appearance} and more over they didn't even appear to stock the top secret Evils's indoctrination devices that The Superdaddyman was looking for anyway! The same thing happened at the local Sears location. The Sears location was even more disappointing as it had zero women to gawk at .. um .. observe, and apparently had given up on marketing to the fairer sex altogether. Then again the lack of Superdaddyman's partner in crime at the door {Yanno, the guy with the big red suit waving a bell with a bucket} really did more to depress The Superdaddyman, despite the fact that it saved him a dollar. This was when the little light bulb came on over The Superdaddyman's head {it's a very scary sight actually} and he remembered that there was the ultimate of evil empire's on the other side of town. The Target {pronounced Tar-Zay to reflect the lack of white trash that The Superdaddyman likes to represent in the fight of good v evil esq.} where the Superdaddyman could go and try to negotiate without seeing the inside of everyone's nostrils as they stare at the ceiling.

On a somewhat brighter note, the Tar-Zay was filled with plenty of fair maidens {despite looking up from their legs and seeing the inside of nostrils} and the Superdaddyman figured that he could work with this. Unfortunately all of the time that the Caped Pervader was looking around elsewhere {and the grand tour to check out all the 100k housewives in the Tar-Gay itself} had weakened his position on procuring the top secret alienation device he had come for. The Nintendo Wii display sat bare. Right next to it was the Sony Playstation 3 display chock full of $300 Playstations that everyone tells him are at best an over-rated Blue Ray disc player. On the other side was the nearly full $300 X-Box 360 system display. Operation Get the Daddyman {OGD] appears to be working wonderfully!

Disheveled and nearly beaten beaten our favorite super villain turned super hero decided that the best thing to do was go next door to the Shaws Supermarket and hopefully find solace in getting football goodies, and perhaps partaking in fleeting glances at more of Megalopolis's fair maidens. There is always that X-Box 360 over at the Wal-Mart that can be an ace in the hole for a last minute effort to thwart evils's! Shaws is a wonderful ally {enabler} to many of the Superdaddyman's favorite deadly sins {gluttony in particular} so he was at least pleasantly surprised to find not only the pepperoni, and triscuits on sale but the extra sharp cheddar as well! They do after all have spies all over Megalopolis to trace the mood of the only defender against the war of TOKE! That was when he saw the display in the middle of the isle that nobody was paying attention to. Sitting right there for no other reason than the fact that they had them was a pile of micro laptops in a rainbow of colors!

Being almost as much dork as he is perv, the Superdaddyman swooped in on these laptops that were advertised as $249 each or $99 dollars with the “Cheap but we spam the shit out of you card” and the Superdaddyman being a huge fan of “cheap” and sometimes “spam” {especially if it is for those leg porn sites} decided to go fill out an application for the “Savings Card” and see what the fair maiden at the courtesy desk looks like. One out of two wasn't bad, but as he was leaving the local Shaw's with everything needed for a tummy ache and three separate color coordinated Christmas gifts. The Superdaddyman thinks to himself .. What a Wonderful World ;8o)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of Jeremy Crow} Jeremy Crow on Twitter {For The Easily Amused} Blogaholics Anonymous {E-Mail Blogging Group} Itching For Coffee {Community Blog}

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Christmas Countdown - 2010 - The Crow Knows - 5 Days

The assault on Christmas that everyone is talking about is hitting a fevered pitch. You have atheists out there preaching tolerance through the elimination of Christmas decorations in every “public” spot they can find one, and let's be real here, that isn't very tolerant. I mean, if we are looking at the problem like adults, I can think of things that are a hell of a lot more offensive than a cross, a manger, or a Santa Claus. This is because it all ties into a theory that I have had for a very long time now, which would be that the average person who gets offended by most things is just an asshole.

Now of course I have joked about the average “enlightened” American just being an asshole with a cause enough to make myself practically famous for it, but if we were to be serious, it can be humorous should you let it be. I mean the first thing I always do when I run into someone who is offended by the plight of the “non Christians” to not be offended by such assaults as a diorama of the baby Jesus polluting their Post Office, is ask them what their favorite sports teams are. Nine out of Ten times they are either huge fans of the typical “asshole” teams {Yankees fan living in the Boston area, Cowboys fan living no where near Dallas, Redwings fan living in Flyers territory etc etc etc} or they outright hate sports and want to take the opportunity to complain about sports salaries. Why is this? Because they enjoy the misery of others that are either a local sports fan, or are just happy to have the diversion of sports that the salaries mean nothing to them. It gets worse.

Lately I have seen the uber-non Christians, out in full force. The Penn Gillette's who have great insight into Libertarian politics but are so completely intolerant towards other people's religious views that they become a laudable asshole at the mere mention of anything God related. Their superiority over what they consider “being lied to” in and of itself is a religion, and perhaps if it wasn't for the actual tolerance of Christians, they should be banned from public places. The question here is of “faith” and what one person believes is almost always different than what another person believes. This doesn't exactly make anyone stupid, but often we fall into the trap of believing it does. Shouting down someone who has {and let's be real here a far more popular} belief system does add to the asshole mentality.

Then there is the crying about commercialism as it pertains to the holidays. Let's understand one thing here, but this is a capitalist society, and it is the reason America has been the greatest society in history. I don't care about the commercialism of any holiday. Be it Christmas, Halloween, Mother's Day or even Groundhogs day if they could get a better PR agent for it. Anything that spurs commerce is a good thing in a free society, and for the betterment of all involved. Packed stores mean more jobs, more overtime, and more goods being manufactured, and any time I have been able to poke under the surface, you find that the average “anti-Commercialism” style asshole, can be brought out into the sunlight as someone who is against those things as well. These fall into two distinct categories. You have the people who actually do want the collapse of the American capitalist society, and hopefully a fall into some sort of Progressive socialism, where those other “enlightened” people rule over the rest of us. Then you have the “useful idiots” that either parrot anti capitalist rhetoric because they want to be smart, or seriously want it to end thinking something other than a socialist slavery ensues. The “pure anarchy” idiots that seem to think no rules is cool, but haven't read enough history to know it ends in despotism every time.

The fact of the matter is, Christmas makes kids happy. Sure there are kids out there that don't have enough, or their parents have done something to ruin what would usually be a happy event {I can only imagine how fucked up a strict “Hate God” atheists child ends up} whether it be poverty, alcoholism, addiction, or knowitallism. This is NOT the fault of everyone or society in general. We were all born with free will, and many turn it into a free for all. Some along the line become jaded by the actions of others but most become jaded by the actions of self. I have said for a very long time that “We are what our parents make us and if you choose to stay that way blame YOU,” keeping in mind that I say this NOT as a devout Christian that has enjoyed every Christmas. Quite the contrary, as I have come from a couple of messed up parents that should have taken a test before they became parents. I made a conscious decision to overcome this. This is why I am a local sports fan, quite happy that every athlete gets the most money they possibly can for their services, fearing God, and doing the best I can to give my children a happy Christmas, while at the same time wishing my Jewish friends a Happy Chanukah, my Muslim friends a peaceful Ramadan, my black friends a Happy Kwanzaa {although my black friends look at me and say “Get the fuck outta here”} and if I am aware of them, any other holiday that comes up. In other words, it's stupid to hate a holiday, and if it is that bad, seek help! ;8o)

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Sunday, December 19, 2010

Christmas Countdown Past - 2009 - Finale

A Note About this Repost from the Madman Behind the Curtain - I told you before I loved this story, but part 3 left me with a bit of a quandary. The sweet ending involves someone who is no longer in the picture, who had since broken my little girl's heart. What was I to do with this? Drag up sad memories? Change it to someone else? Kill the person in a humiliating way that can be laughed about from here to eternity? I guess you'll just have to read it and find out! You can see the original un-edited version of this HERE .. Jeremy

Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2009 - Lazius Boycrazius' Miracle on 34th Street - Part 3 - {December 24, 2009} {See Part One Here} {See Part Two Here}

This is where it gets a bit sketchy for me as the days barreled along. When I was younger Christmas would never come, but every year Christmas sneaks up on me more often as I get older. TAFAKK was finding himself more and more bogged down with the company shrink at Macy's who never could seem to live and let live. The Macy's corporation was thrilled with the huge sales that they were having at the store, and the egghead do-nothing psychiatrist that the ACLU lawyers forced on them was preoccupied with TAKAKK's insistence that he was Kris Kringle. I have to tell you that there are two types of crazy in this world and TAFAKK was definitely the lesser of both. I would say that I couldn't tolerate the know it all shrink for 3 minutes if I had to see him everyday.

He finally did it though when The Superdaddyman went to pick up Kris Kringle after work on the twentieth of December. Imtoocutus went along with him, and the two of them were in the lobby waiting for him to get out of another one of those infernal mental sessions. I heard about it all second hand, and I was shocked about it after the fact. The shrink came walking out yelling at TAFAKK about how Santa Claus doesn't exist and that is why he wasn't Santa Claus. Imtoocutus never being one to stay out of a fight or anyone's business started badgering the Psychiatrist about TAFAKK being the actual Santa Claus, until the shrink looked right at her and said, “Little girl it's unhealthy for you to be involved with such fantasy, and why don't you just grow up!”

Imtoocutus of course saw the opportunity to wreak real havoc on what was already a bad situation, and started bawling her eyes out. The Superdaddyman wasn't about to put up with this and went charging across the room only to get there a few seconds to late. It appears that Jolly Ol' Saint Nick could throw a mean roundhouse himself, and to make a long story short the shrink had 911 on the phone and TAFAKK in a paddy wagon faster than you could say “crybaby.” This meant that when Superdaddyman had come home from the police station, where bail was denied, he was not in a very happy mood. For that matter I wasn't in a happy mood either, since I couldn't see why anyone would create a situation like that stupid head shrinker did, but I was assured that he was fired that night, broken nose and all. This still couldn't end well as The Superdaddyman was ripping through internet sites looking for a way to get a legal degree overnight and represent TAFAKK in court the next day. I couldn't let this happen to either of them.

I spent the night running through Facebook, Myspace, Twitter and every other viral medium that I had at my disposal. I had created such a commotion in the chat rooms and message boards, that I think most of the organized free world was ready to defend Santa Claus against the secular legal system and while I was at it I made sure Dr. Egghead would never get a job again!Sure I wasn't all that keen on TAFAKK and his quest to be known as Santa Claus but at the same time I had made my belief known that he was a “good crazy” as apposed the the Kim Jong Il style crazy the shrink wanted everyone to think he was. One of my legal eagle friends had come up with a plot that was pure genius and all I had to do was get The Superdaddyman to leave me in charge of the witness list. As always I was in luck as he was still racking his brain trying to figure out the whole issue of how to recover the password he had just created a half hour ago to Duey Sooem and Howe's website.

It was a long weekend unfortunately and by the end of it TAFAKK was completely defeated. When I saw him in the courtroom he had the look of “Bubba's Bitch” all over his face, and was completely dejected. I ran over to give him a hug and there was no cheer in his face. My heart was breaking at the very sight of him, and what could I do to get him out of this state, and back to making Christmas a reality for all of the children that he had helped over the last month. He didn't say anything, and the shrink and the District Attorney were making a show trial out of a simple arraignment. The judge didn't look amused by the whole show dedicated to whether or not there actually was a Santa Claus or not. Myself, I could see his point. Who in their right mind would want to face the electorate after just ruling on whether or not there was a Santa Claus? I was starting to think that should I pull this off, I could save two souls today.

TAFAKK refused his invitation by the prosecution to take the stand and defend himself. This made the shrink feel rather smug, but it reflected heavy in the face of TAFAKK who just sat there looking completely dejected. I really couldn't blame him. The full weight of the city of Megalopolis was being thrown down on top of his head to determine if he was a crazy old fraud or not, and as he had muttered to me earlier, without those that believe in him, he lost the war. It was hard to not feel his pain, and in a way I really did wish that he was Santa Claus. Wouldn't you?

The prosecution rested feeling pretty good about themselves. In reality it was just the one witness, on behalf of the the prosecution and another that was there rather unwillingly. The shrink under no doubt, exclaimed how there is no Santa Claus, and that that meant TAFAKK was definitely not Santa Claus. The other was the manager of Macy's who sweated his way through a pile of badly framed questions, and then the Superdaddyman in his one fit of brilliance asked him the one question they had avoided, “Do you believe in Santa Claus?”

The entire courtroom had gotten quiet, as the manager of Macy's himself sat there fumbling through what obviously was a horrible situation for him. On the one hand, he could lie in court, and ruin his chance at freedom thanks to the whole perjury thing or he could tell the truth {or at least what I perceived as the truth} and have the entire shopping world consider him to have no faith in the man he had been using to create the greatest sales in the history of the store. I don't think anyone faced with such great peril could have gotten such a broad smile on his face when he stood up and proclaimed, “Of course I believe in Santa Claus! He's sitting right there!” and with great bravado he pointed at TAFAKK who looked up at him with a tear in his eye, and some of the color coming back into his face. The Superdaddyman had somehow lucked into breaking apart at least half of the prosecutions case. It was up to me to sink it all together.

The judge called The Superdaddyman up to the bench to present his witness list, and he resigned the obligation to me. I stood up and started dragging the several Staples Boxes that we had brought in with us. I handed a note to TAFAKK as I walked by that I had scribbled in the last few minutes as I saw the light almost come back into his face. I don't know if I really meant what I had wrote in it or not, but it seemed like the right thing to do. The judge looked down to see the 250 pounds of paper that I was, with great effort, trying to drag up to the bench with me, and then spoke up, “Young lady, how many witnesses do you plan on calling?” and after I had affirmed that it would be roughly 19 million, he then spoke out, “You do realize that every one of them has to be present since this is just an arraignment?”

I stopped screwing up my back and stretched up a bit to reply. “Your honor, they are all here,” and with that I pointed out the window. The judge who hadn't once looked out the window, turned really quickly to see that the “rent a mob” plan that I had executed the night before worked like a charm. He was staring out at every square foot of Megalopolis being filled elbow to elbow with at the very LEAST 19 million people holding up signs, ranging from “Free Santa” to “Leave My Santa Alone” and he turned back to me with a look of horror on his face. “Every last one of them is looking forward to taking the stand, and defending Kris Kringle as being THE Santa Claus and not just that there is a Santa Claus.”

TAFAKK looked up again with a little more light in his eyes, and then slowly opened the note I had handed to him which had inscribed on it, “I believe in you” and he stood up shouting “I have presents to deliver tonight!”

The judge took another look out the window and then back at Kris Kringle sitting before him. He waved his head back and forth a bit and then said, “Yes you do my friend,” and slammed the gavel down on the desk before stating “Case Dismissed” which echoed all the way to the crowd outside who let out a gigantic cheer that told the world Megalopolis that Christmas Eve was the largest city on Planet Earth! I quickly gave Kris a hug and started walking him outside to meet his adoring fans.

The news crews were everywhere and holding microphones up in his face as the millions upon millions that flooded the streets chanted “Santa Rocks! Santa Rocks!” which only died down when he held up his arms to silence everyone on the streets. He spoke into the PA system that was set up so all the news crews could get him at once, “I love you all, but tomorrow is Christmas! We all have a lot of work to do or children around the world will wake up to just another day! Christmas is NEVER just another day!” and the crowd went wild, but at the same time everyone in a very orderly fashion started filing out of the streets to enact upon the Santa Doctrine as it had been laid out by the big guy himself.

Kris had departed soon after that. He, of course had a ton of work to do if you really believed that he was old father Christmas, which I was still quite skeptical about. As I was sitting in the living room with all the evils's finishing off their gifts and proceeding to break all of them I noted that my mother had not called yet. Sure she was useless but the one thing I could count on was her waiting around before calling us so that she could act put upon because we didn't call her first. You can't explain to some people the difference between parents and kids, but I figured it out a long time ago. It's the other two that I get really upset for. Later that day when the phone rang and it was our mother, full of lies, full of excuses, and unapologetic about it all, I knew then that what I had asked of Kris Kringle was impossible, and perhaps a bit unfair. I knew that all along anyway. Still I like to think I learned a little something about human nature and decency, and I should appreciate that anyway.

This was when Superdaddyman handed me a note. He explained to me that Kris Kringle wanted him to give it to me after my mother called. I was at least happy that Kris didn't completely forget me, but it wasn't all that joyful. Of course like any card I opened it and shook it hoping money would fall out. RATS, no money, but there was a note which read, “Lazius Boycrazius, I didn't want to tell you the dirty little secret of being Santa Claus. I think you helped me prove it even if you didn't realize it. I can't change any 'person' unless they actually want to change,” I looked away from the note for a minute because I could feel the tears starting to well up. I didn't really want to hear that, because he had given me hope in the end. I continued on, “That doesn't mean I can't change the people that really want to. With that I must ask you to go and open the front door.”

I looked at the note again, and couldn't grasp why he wanted me to go to the front door, but Captain ADHD who was reading the note over my shoulder told me that I should go open the front door. Just to shut him up more than anything I walked over to the front door thinking to myself that this was stupid, and ripped the door open dramatically to make a statement, and found myself staring at Bohemian Boycrazius, Mainey Boycrazius, and my Aunt Bradybunchious Marriedus all dressed to the nines and waving tickets to a Trans-Siberian Orchestra show. Auntie Bradybunchius piped right up, "Some fat guy in a red suit showed up and gave me this flying sleigh so I figured I'd take my two favoritest nieces out for some girly time!" and I started jumping up and down.

Of course Mainey had to pipe right up, "Yeah cuz boys are stupid!" ;8o)

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Christmas Countdown Past - 2009 - Part 2

Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2009 - Lazius Boycrazius' Miracle on 34th Street - Part 2 - {December 23, 2009} {See Part One Here}

It was an unusually long ride home. Between the screaming mini evils's and the new “guest” that the bleeding hearted Superdaddyman had agreed to let stay with us until Christmas eve, the Superdaddymobile was crammed. So now apparently the artist known as Kris Kringle {TAKAKK} is homeless. Who would have seen that coming, but oh noooo. We get to bring him home with us. I can't even fathom what he was thinking on this one, and that is saying something after 13 years of analyzing the Superdaddybrain! Perhaps he is hoping that Mr Thinkshe'sSantaClaus is THAT type of whacko and will finish us all off? I don't know and I don't care I at the very least had installed that Brinks system thanks to a raging case of creepy little brother and creepier little sister. I may just never come out of my cell!

Now of course perhaps he is bringing the Jolly Old Elf home to show the world that he could potentially have someone older than Greektradgedius Inyiddish in the house, or worse yet he is executing a hook up! I may never be able to get that image out of my head and I blame the Daddyman full on! The boy genius is still raving on about how he gets to share his room with Santa Claus. I couldn't even heal my hands with all the smacking around he truly needs. TAKAKK is doing the whole making his list and checking it twice thing. You'd think a guy dressed in red with an army of 3 foot tall slaves could get his own place for the next month, but then again I could always be out of that loop.

As I suspected Greektradgedius Inyiddish and TAKAKK got along famously. The fact that they remember the whole “Jesus on the Cross” thing might make Christmas a little more of a reminiscent holiday for them who knows? I held back from asking them the “Did George Washington actually get a spanking for chopping down the cherry tree?” question that had entered my mind and decided to retire to my cell. This is my happy place, since I can execute top secret communications {and then post them to Myspace and Facebook} and try to get a grasp on what is really going on with that TAKAKK guy.

The very next day was all it took for my little world to be wrecked up again, as I got a phone call from the Superdaddyman. He was prattling on about needing me to go out to Macy's and deal with issues for him because he was busy. I'm all for getting out of school and that, but what does going to Macy's have to do with anything and why is it his, or my problem? Ok never mind I forgot who I was talking too, and simply gathered up my gear to head into Macy's and check on a problem that probably involved a big crazy man that thinks he's Santa Claus. Never mind that I have no license, or that I am still a minor. Just run over to Macy's and deal with a whack job other than my jailor, does that sound sensible? Yeah I didn't think so either, but again it gets me out of school.

Macy's was a zoo! The line going around the corner was all on it's way to TAKAKK and he wasn't sitting on his throne up front. I thought I was going to have to bust ugly all over some of these single moms who were trying to accuse me of cutting in line. “Do I look like I desperately have to see Santa lady? Did you notice I forgot my kids? As a matter of fact I forgot to have them all together!” I refrained from telling her that if I were her I would have lived by my example, but I didn't have time to beat her behind and get to the bottom of this, and then get back to school for the cute teachers later in the day. My sacrifices are never taken into account now are they?

There was TAKAKK arguing with the store manager, and a few employees. All of them were telling him the way they saw things, and he was ignoring them and stating his own views. He seems to be every bit as stubborn as the Superdaddyman, which solves one of those questions I had had. The manager was just ranting at him, “You can't tell the customers to shop at other stores!” and then he reloaded, “It's your job to steer customers to OUR items for sale, what is wrong with you!” and I must admit that the conversation seemed rather sensible even if I was walking into it rather late.

“No you see that is where you are wrong sir!” came a booming voice from what was just yesterday a very kindly man with whiskers, “Christmas is about the children! If a child wants a toy that you don't have I will tell the parents where to get it, and if your price is the difference between getting a toy or getting two toys I will send them elsewhere!” and here I could only think that it was a great thing that the kids were so loud that they couldn't hear this. He went on of course, “My duty is first and foremost to the children and to try and support the parents that have scrimped all year just to be able to afford the gifts for them, and if you don't like it ...”

The answer to the “don't like it” question was left hanging as a woman walked over and tapped the manager on the shoulder. “Are you the manager here?” she said in a rather waning voice. Before the manager could even confirm she continued, “You see my husband was laid off for the holidays, and we were going to spend our last savings to get Johnny the Robbie Robot that he wanted,” the look on the managers face was disdained but the woman continued, “Well thanks to your Santa Claus we was able to get that robot over at Kay-Bee for half the price, and then came back here to get him some new clothes to go with it. I don't know what games you guys are pulling here but I like it,” her face broke into a big grin, “If Macy's cares about me then I care about Macy's. I'll be going home and calling all my friends and telling them that they owe it to themselves to come in here.”

The manager was flustered, but jabbled out a “Thank You” in great detail as the woman walked away. He glanced over at TAKAKK and said, “Well you have children to see, keep up the good work!” he then stopped him on his way and said “You wouldn't happen to have those price lists would you, I think every employee here should know these prices and adjust if we can or send the customers along to make room for the other customers.”

TAKAKK looked towards me as he said, “Sorry sir, they are all up here,” and with that he pointed at his head, “It's a gift that I have but I will work on a list tonight if you wish,” and after the manager agreed to it he was sent along to deal with the screaming children. He gave me one of those creepy old man winks as he walked by, and I was still perplexed as to why I was even here to witness this. Again I have learned not to question these things because Lord knows the narrator in all those stupid Superdaddyman stories never comes to me for editing advice.

Later that night after dinner I was taking the dishes from the dinner table and TAKAKK was still sitting there writing down his list of prices. Twelve years of public school had never put as much information in my head as was coming out of TAKAKK's and being put on paper. He had just about every toy ever made, and I pointed out to him that no child was going to be looking for an Atari 2600. He smiled and said, “Oh you never know, and look at that price anyway,” as I was thinking that there was a reason it was so cheap. Before I could even ask the question he went on, “It's my job to know where everything is and how to get it for the best price. The elves went union, and it's very hard to get them to produce like they used to so I need some help now and then.”

Oh the whacky old man. His own belief in the fantasy, was so overpowering that he could almost get me to go along with it. Thankfully I learned my way around a fantasy or two dealing with the guy downstairs downloading tons of it {even though he thinks we don't know} and of course the woman to whom my whole “gift” was based on. Her life crossed over into fantasy so long ago that I simply labeled it all “lies” and got on with my life. As nice of an old man, whiskers or not, I wouldn't give him Monaco odds on being able to install a clue in my mother. We are after all talking about a woman who lost her kids and still denies it. I tried to walk him back into the world of reality a bit since I am the patron evils's of lost causes, “You know if they really wanted to they could have their own people get these prices and you don't have to spend all of your free time writing them all down?”

He smiled at me the same way I have seen a lot of teachers do. That “silly little girl” smile has been the staple of my existence, but on him it wasn't so infuriating. “They couldn't even get their hands on most of these prices. A lot of them are forgotten about on the back shelves of places like Big Lots, and Odd Job Lots. See these here won't even be in BJ's until next week, but come Thursday at 9am they will be opening them on the floor and if I get parents there ..” he stopped short at my surprised look and then added, “It gets harder to disbelieve with time. It's the opposite of how hard it became too believe. I blame myself for not being there enough for you, but I'm here now.”

Holy creepy whackjobs Superdaddyman! I threw down my veil of skepticism quick enough to defend from this assault on my sensibilities. This is a nice old man with whiskers. Nothing more, and I have to deal with that, and he has to do whatever it is borderline insane old men do this time of the year. I don't have to play the game if I don't touch the dice. My racing mind was spared by the footsteps of someone coming up behind us. I barely had time to get my face into my hands when the voice of the Superdaddyman said, “Oh My God! An Atari 2600, and look at that price!” … To Be Continued

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Christmas Countdown Past - 2009 - 6 Days

A Note About this Repost from the Madman Behind the Curtain - Well in 2008 I had come up with the stroke of genius that I should do "A Christmas Story" as explained by Captain ADHD. It actually took a few people half a page to realize it was Captain ADHD telling the story instead of everyone's favorite super villain turned super hero. I had actually fallen in love with that blog despite the lack of readers, but the most important reader of them all loved it. That's why I decided that she should have her own the next year, and I think this was even better! I hope you enjoy .. Jeremy

Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2009 - Lazius Boycrazius' Miracle on 34th Street - Part 1 - {December 22, 2009}

It can be a cruel cruel world out there, but I have never fostered the belief that Santa Claus was real. Don't get me wrong, I think a fat man in a red suit promising Christmas Cheer and all that junk is nice, but keeping control of the two smaller factions of the Terrorist Organization Known as the Evils's {TOKE} is hard work, and without my controlled form of “beat down” Captain ADHD alone would become too powerful for his own good. Now of course being the “muscle” behind our little slice of criminal nirvana alone but to have to deal with all that yammering, stammering from two lunatics within my own criminal organization just makes it all that much more difficult. In the end I just hit them with the “yeah yeah sure sure” when it comes to the whole Santa Claus thing and go about my hectic life of keeping track of actors, and happenings around the “Twilight” saga.

Now of course it was one of those silly work furloughs that The Superdaddyman carted us all off to New York to see something he called the greatest parade on earth, and he went on and on about having an “in” with the big guy. He talked about things like penguins and Secretaries of State who look good in skirts, and let's get real here, I plead the fifth when it comes to the inner workings of that guy. In the end it was a trip to New York City and more opportunity for me to end my career as “criminal muscle” and potentially start my career as “Robert Pattison” stalker extraordinaire. I merely needed to get this whole “watching balloons and talking to a fat guy in a Red Suit” stuff out of the way.

Now in all fairness, the giant Underdog, and Snoopy were pretty cool, the bands were a bit less annoying when you see them live, and as a late teenage Evils's I can always find the value in something centered around Macy's to be of pretty important value. Two hours of watching people march, and carry things does get old though. Serious facebook time has been wasted on all of this, and I haven't quite mastered the cell phone as a means of web communication, so the battery is dying from all the text messages of “I'm going to kill one of these twits,” without an end in sight. Nobody can quite get the smell of New York City without standing in it with a few million others, even on the day after Thanksgiving. I was nudged out of my half sleepy warbling by my captor {The Superdaddyman} as what appeared to be the end of this lunacy wandered towards us. There it was, off in the distance, a large float with the biggest, reddest man on it since Ted Kennedy was alive. Of course this one was standing and waving and smiling at everyone, which was a stark contrast to that other fat red elf.

The sheer humiliation of being related {but in denial} to the two little freaks bouncing around as if this was Santa himself, was insane. They smacked, poked, pushed, prodded, and harassed me the whole time about how Santa was on his way, and then assumed that from this they were finally in the promised land. I think perhaps the whole concept of “scare tactics” based on “Santa know if you've been bad or good” perhaps makes Kris Kringle a viable necessity, albeit total fiction or else these little bastards would have closets full of coal. Still furious that there wasn't a “Twilight Saga” float this year I counted my blessings that I could at least plot the biggest sequel to “Escape from New York” in the history of mankind, had it not been for that stupid Superdaddyman and his flagrant name dropping that was going to drag my unwilling victim ass, into Macy's to meet the fat guy himself. Heaven forbid that I ever get past the age of ten in any near future venue!

Watching the fake praise thrown at the feet of this Santa Claus was not even amusing after a while. Yeah I have to admit that he was charming, perhaps even personable. He was far better than the drunk they had last year, and in his own way the real whiskers was a nice touch. Kids were running all around him, and he was without a doubt very good at inter-idiot skills as he promised them everything from an X-Box 360 to Holidays named after them. That which he couldn't outright give them, he simply “moved” them into different things like that guy on “The Mentalist” and you gotta give him credit for that. The Superdaddyman was making the rounds and giving “shout outs” to his peeps, while I of course was stuck guarding the two smaller Evils's in the line. Unfortunately I was paying attention as the Fat Guy at the front of the line calling himself Kris Kringle with that Jonestown ferocity was faced with his first real Santafail moment, as the parents of a Croatian adopted refugee made it to the front of the line, apologizing profusely because the child couldn't speak English. I chuckled to myself as I waited for the grand Santafail, followed by my brilliantly executed “I told you so” rhetoric.

Unfortunately the rhetoric was put on hold as the man in the big red suit quickly hoisted her up on his lap and started speaking to her in something that sounded like Italian, but much harder to understand, “I što želite za Božić mali anđeo?” which was perplexing as the little girls face just lit up, and tears filled her eyes. She grabbed the Santa Claus {for lack of a better word} and started chirping in her own sweet little voice a mile a minute. They both conversed for quite a bit, and it was obvious that they both understood each other, so this really threw a wrench in my whole Santafail theory. The good news was that the other two Evils's driving me mental were too busy bothering each other to notice this, and I had plausible deniability. Of course the line that I was mired in with the other twits was getting smaller every minute, and that could pose some problems.

Seeing my little sister {I guess she's codenamed Imtoocutus} just blathering on and on and on about all the things that she wants, was torture. I mean any kid that asks Santa for clothes, and doesn't even apply any designers that she wants, is just plain weird. This was what she asked everyone for on her birthday, and they all just placated her, making me have to sit through a girl getting all excited over Wal-Mart and Target's latest fall fashions. Making wretching noises didn't change the tenor of it all, and I was forced to try and blame it on DNA issues as I am only 50% genetically related to the Eviltard. This also gives me an opportunity to rag on and on about that simpleton Superdaddyman who like totally gave her these genes. The color schemes she goes for as well, um .. let's just say we won't go there.

Then there was the whole Captain ADHD going on about how he really does need something called a Global thermonuclear incendiary device? Who the hell knows what one of those are but the Santa fraud sitting on the Santa throne seemed to know and was actively trying to talk him out of it. Needless to say if Captain ADHD wants one then there is a chance that anyone playing Santa would want to talk him out of it. On the other hand it isn't clothes so I would have to call him a bit more normal than the reject over there talking an angry looking elf's ear off. I think that the “diabolical one” as Superdaddyman would put it, was almost convinced that NERF makes some rather realistic thermoglobalthingymadingies, and was about to hop off of his lap. I was all for that because it would get us out of this line with the disease factories coughing all over me, but that wasn't going to be so easy now was it?

“And what do you want for Christmas young lady?” the non drunk more realistic than most Santa asked as he grabbed me by the arm. Hello? Can anyone here spell inappropriate touching? Well nobody is going to call me out for ruining Christmas for the mind numb robots and especially the ones that I have to live with, so I chose to not start screaming and beating him about the head. I did shoo the other two away so that I could have a “talk” with Santa. He added, “So what is your name young lady?”

“My name is Lazius Boycrazius and what is yours?” and he very cheerily pointed out that his name was Kris Kringle, and I chuckled a bit. The poor delusional old man didn't need me driving him over the edge so I simply said, “Well I'm not here to play the Santa game, I know that there is no such thing as Santa Claus, but you do seem to be a very nice old man with whiskers, and let's just leave it at that?”

His smile didn't break for a moment and he looked at me with a bit of comedy in his eyes. He started speaking in the usual patronizing voice but as he was with the little evils's was kind enough to at least get a bit of respect. “You haven't had it very easy, I imagine and somewhere along the way, you have lost faith in father Christmas I see?” his smile was after all infectious and I can see why the Macy's Santa makes the big bucks, “What can I do to restore your faith in me this year? I'm sure there is something you really want that only the REAL Santa Clause can give you?”

The man in the jolly red suit was patiently waiting as I eyeballed everyone staring at us. I couldn't crush everyone waiting in line and I couldn't hold UP the line any longer. I figured I would throw something out there rather snarky, and at the same time completely impossible, in the interest of “playing the game.” I cleared my throat and said, “Well if you really are the real Santa Clause then perhaps you could do the one thing that no man on planet Earth has done?” his face was alight with the challenge and my lips curled into a bit of an evil smirk, “You could give my mother a clue, instead of giving me anything at all. You could do it on behalf of my brother and sister, and give them the greatest Christmas of all?”

The light in his eye changed dramatically as he became somewhat somber. He didn't seem too out of sorts though as he stroked his beard, and considered what I had asked of him, “Well this one isn't going to be easy, and I can't make any promises, but I will do the best that I can,” he said with uncertainty in his voice. He looked up at me and asked, “This would restore your faith in father Christmas though, I have your word?”

Knowing full well that it is the impossible dream of even the most mind numb brother, I was perfectly safe in pledging my soul to Christmas itself as I nodded my agreement. I spoke up at that time saying, “If you can't I will still consider you just a nice old man with whiskers, but I sincerely doubt that even if you were Santa Claus you wouldn't be able to fix that,” I shot him a smile, and then added, “It's almost unfair of me to rest it all on that.”

He reached out and grabbed my hand to shake it, and his hand was unusually warm. He shook it up and down, and then said, “So it is up to Santa Claus to save the very spirit of Christmas in you, and I am up for the task. Nothing in this world is really that easy after all.” … to be continued

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