Christmas Countdown Past - From 2010 - Finale

Oh yeah, walking through countless feet worth of snow, shackled with a blindfold on is a real treat. We were surrounded by penguins carrying automatic weapons before I had even had the chance to shake the cobwebs off. On a brighter note Santa had had his sleigh equipped with airbags or I'm sure they would have had to scoop me up and dispose of me. Rudolf had gone mental just like Santa had hoped, but the sheer number of penguins had overcome him, and I saw him getting bound up and tied to a sled before they had actually thrown all the chains and the blindfold on me. Santa was no slouch either, I think he had been taking martial arts of some sort, and it ain't pretty watching a seven foot hulk of a man getting all Bruce Lee on twenty or so three foot tall penguins, but alas the sheer numbers did him in as well. As for me, not so much.
I'm happy to say that I wore my stay puft jacket considering my breath was coming out, crystallizing and falling in front of me. It made it hard for me to ask the first few hundred questions, but once I got warmed up I was on a roll, “Why are you evil? How far is it now? Why do I have a blindfold on? How come you don't live somewhere warmer?” and in the beginning I had them right where I wanted them. Well that was until they gagged me as well.
We trudged and we trudged until I was just about at the breaking point of my little legs. What a brilliant idea to just fly off to Antarctica on a moments notice, just to find a heavily armed fortress waiting for us. To be honest I was completely in the dark until I heard a voice that could only be my arch nemesis say, “See! I told you that a gag would work!” and I couldn't even tell him off with the stupid gag in my mouth. Hell I couldn't even use my secondary weapon {a good pinch} with my hands shackled together. Heaven forbid he show any gratitude that I at least TRIED to save his useless butt!
Of course they shackled me to the wall right beside Captain ADHD and I saw the Superdaddyman shackled to the wall on the other side of him. There was no sign of Lazius Boycrazius, and apparently Santa and the reindeer were taken elsewhere. The penguins and their automatic weapons were all around us, in the corner of the room was a rather large pile of batteries, how odd. Penguins came in and out dumping large handfuls of batteries in the pile, and my curiosity didn't last long when Superdaddyman said, “At least we know what happens to all those batteries that die quickly at home,” which had Captain ADHD nodding along. I was still gagged, the bastards!
Captain ADHD took advantage of the silence by talking to himself. You've never seen a person hold more involved conversations with himself than this twelve year old mastermind. Most of the time he seems to be encouraging others to overhear what he is saying, in a passive aggressive sort of way, and this time was no different. Of course I was too busy trying to work the gag away from my mouth with my tongue to take too much notice but something he mumbled got the attention of the penguins really fast. “Of course those weapons they are carrying are super secret government issue, and rumor has it that military and various unsavory Chicago thugs get their hands on them,” Don't ask me how he knows these things, but let's just say he does a lot of internet research on things the average twelve year old doesn't.
Penguins went scurrying about the second he said that, and within a few minutes a larger than normal {meaning about three feet tall} penguin came walking in and smacked Captain ADHD across the face. After pulling out a step ladder of course, because despite the Captain's slightly smaller size he is still a giant as compared to the average penguin. The penguin then jumped off the ladder just as Captain ADHD seemingly kicked it out from under his feet, “What do you know kid?” the penguin lashed out at him. Take it from me, that was a stupid question.
“I know that you all seem to be rather well stocked, and my best guess would be that a certain evil bastard with bulging eyes and a lack of Christmas appreciation, is probably behind it,” the Captain said in a bit of a mumble which means his passive-aggressive skills are being sharpened as we speak. This of course brought the step ladder back, and another smack across his face. I of course had just about worked the gag out of my mouth, and was about to say the name, that he was eluding too. After all I had fallen prey to one of this evil doers plots in the past, although it was nice to be respected as a queen. It only fits my adorable personality. Of course the penguin put in charge of watching me firmly reattached the gag before I could quite get it off my mouth.
Of course around the corner and into the cell walked the Ghost of Easter past walked into the cell, and he didn't need a step ladder to walk over and smack Captain ADHD. “You are a shrewd one, but keep in mind that you are MY prisoner at the moment,” Rahm Emanuel said to Captain ADHD. “You've been very active keeping my bid to take over Chicago, and I had to do something about that didn't I?”
Captain ADHD spit blood into Rahm's face and said, “You haven't seen anything yet, you freak! You don't think I haven't taken steps to make sure the chaos ensues even if I am away from the computer?” which is no idle threat, trust me I've seen this kid at work, “Tomorrow every major newspaper in the country will receive expertly Photoshopped images of you and a goat in lingerie!” which bought him another smack across his face, but Rahm was done with him for the moment, as he turned to look at me.
“As for you Ms. Toocutus, you should have listened to your brother and gotten the six gallons of gasoline, 3 balls of yarn, eighteen number two pencils, a jar of pickles, and two brass thimbles, when you had the chance, but you didn't!” he let out a fiendish laugh that didn't scare me of course. Lack of mortality sense is an advantage of a ten year old girl after all. “That's the one thing I have going for me, is that you are to busy yammering away to listen to any good advice,” and what the hell did he expect? That's also the character traits of a ten year old girl!
Little did Rahm know that my greates super power couldn't be quelled for long. Actually ask around and you will know that NOBODY can keep my quiet for this long, unless of course it brings some advantage to me! Using nothing more than sheer mental force the gag ripped away from my mouth, and I used my super ability to evil quite proper! “Why did you kidnap us? Does the president know you are here? Why do your eyes bulge out like that when you are angry? How come you are turning red? Why do you think the penguins will be able to stop us? Didn't your mother hug you as a baby? Why are you evil? Where is my sister?”
The stream of useless non stop questions that left my mouth beguiled him and before he knew it he was taken in by my spell, and worse yet, he started answering my questions mindlessly, “Because I need you fools put away so I can take over the world through Chicago .. Of course he doesn't, he only knows what I tell him .. I don't know .. Screw you .. Because they are evil like me .. NO .. Chicago …... I don't know!” and with that last answer I had him!
My super fast evil mind knew that he had let the cat out of the bag! The president only knows what he tells him, and the president had told me that the penguins had my sister. Rahm doesn't know where she is. Instantaneously I knew what I had to do! I scrunched my face up as tight as I could and started screaming like I had fallen on a pile of broken glass, “LA LA LA LAZIUS .. LAZIUS BOYCRAZIUS!!!!” I screamed out with everything I had, huge crocodile tears flying everywhere. Rahm just looked at me all bemused, as if he thought what I was doing was simply senseless.
“HA!” he cried out into the night sky. “Now you know the real reason I have brought you fools down here! Even your voice can't penetrate the frozen air of the South Pole! I even made sure that we placed sound barriers all around the continent to muffle what little ..” THUMP!
The sound of Lazius Boycrazius's voice after Rahm {smack dab in the middle of his rant} took a near fatal blow to the back of his head, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY LITTLE SISTER BITCH!” shot out almost as loud as my own. Where do you think I get it from? I simply perfected the process.
Penguins came flying out of nowhere trying to subdue the rampaging eighteen year old criminal mastermind as she started throwing hay-makers all around. Her new boyfriend Importeus Boycrazius sauntered into the room with a scared look on his face, “I guess I vil vait in ze cah,”
Lazius Boycrazius stopped long enough to look at him and say, “That's great baby, can you just untie Santa in the next igloo, I should only be a minute,” to which he nodded and got out of there. I don't think the average boy wants to watch his girlfriend getting all super bad ass on a gang of penguins after all. She then continued smashing, throttling, and smacking skulls. It was turning into a bloody mess when she stopped and looked at the big penguin laying in a crumpled heap, and yelled down to him, “and you a-holes are going to buy me a new pair of boots cuz you got your blood all over them,” and then kicked him for good measure. Santa came running in at this point with a royally pissed off Rudolf standing next to him with at least eleven penguins impaled on his antlers. I had a faint feeling of deja vu as Rudolf urinated on Rahm Emanuel's head.
I can see how Santa get's all those toys on his sleigh, as the pile of penguins, and a rather lethargic wanna be gangster were all loaded up in the back. Lazius Boycrazius and Importeus Boycrazius both got back in his car and she spit on the pile as they drove off. I'll have to remember to ask her later how they managed to drive out here, intermixed in about seven hundred other hugely important questions that have been eating away at me for hours at least. Santa looked at us all and said, “Everyone get in the sleigh, I barely have time to get you back, drop these clowns off at the Megalopolis penitentiary, and get all the the toys out to the good boys and girls,” he scratched his beard while we filed in, “fortunately that list gets shorter and shorter every year.”
With a lashing of his whip and a thundering of hoofs the sleigh went flying into the night sky. I looked back quiet for a change feeling that somehow it went too easily in the end and thus we must have forgotten something. I went through a mental checklist as I noticed one of my favorite socks in the pile of mismatched socks. The remote to my Barbie VCR must be in that other pile, and lord only knows how many of those batteries were mine. In the end, I was just happy that Christmas is on the way again, and I have plenty of people to hug and squeeze and love and hold and name them George and Georgette! Santa was shouting out Ho Ho Ho into the sky, and it seemed to fit the scene. Even if I won't remember any of this in another four years. Ignorance is bliss. ;8o)
Meanwhile back in Antarctica a strange sound comes from one of the lone igloos in the middle of the continent. It sounds a lot like Christmas carols sung off key and with a lot of the words changed around. Of course there is nobody around to hear them. The evils's all being gone, Santa and his reindeer having already dropped them off {after a stopping at Walmart to get popcorn for Imtoocutus who had found something to nag about that she had forgotten between the “are we there yet” and “I have to pee”} and was heading north to fill his sleigh and rush around the globe. “You better not spit, you stupid little #$%*, you better not bite, you ain't that cute tonight! Superdaddyman's still chained to this wall …..”

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2010 - Part 2

Now don't get me wrong. I did find this whole scenario kinda strange, but I live with a bunch of characters as it is, and I have learned that anytime I try to assume that things are normal they get stranger. It's not like I don't ask a million questions a day {hey I'm ten and a girl, it's part of the job} and I already had a million just walking out the door. The jolly fat man in the red suit didn't look so jolly, and don't get me started on the gang of biker rejects pulling the sleigh. I was about to throw the first question out there when Santa said, “Look we're pressed for time here, and I already know what you are going to say. That's the advantage of keeping the list and checking it twice,” he chuckled at his own joke and continued, “There will be plenty of time for questions when you get in the sleigh,” and with that I hopped in. “I haven't seen you in four years, good to see they let you live this long,” he then said as he swatted at the reins.
I was thinking “Ha Ha” at this point, but the grave nature of the task at hand was still weighing heavily on me. It's not like I actually remember meeting Santa, or heading off to the South Pole before. I did finally say, “So what are we supposed to do when we get down there? I don't have many recollections of the last time I was at the South Pole,” and I left it at that. I mean he would have to realize sooner or later that we're talking about half my life ago anyway.
Santa looked at me and said, “Well I don't know really. We're going to have to go down there and kick some serious penguin butt. That was kinda the plan that the Superdaddyman used when he rescued me,” he swatted at the reins again and the already pissed off looking reindeer turned around and looked at him. “Of course after Superdaddyman failed miserably Rudolf showed up and went all medieval on their sorry asses. Since he still doesn't like them very much, I'm hoping we can just start with that plan and save ourselves a lot of trouble.”
This made sense to me anyway, but of course there was that lingering feeling that it couldn't possibly be that easy. After all I have read enough of Superdaddyman's delusional tales to know that it NEVER goes that easily, and worse yet if I'm not mistaken this is only the second part of the tale, which means there will be a lot of awkward fill before we can get to the whooping of penguin butt anyway. All in all, I am happy to know that we will be taking on criminal masterminds that are at the very least shorter than I am. Of course in the interest of being honest I did throw out there, “I can see kidnapping Superdaddyman, because he'd fall for almost anything, as long as you stroke his ego, but aren't you a bit worried that these guys had the speed and mental skills to capture Captain ADHD?” then I thought about it for another moment, “Or worse yet the sheer force to kidnap Lazius Boycrazius?”
Santa laughed, “Oh NEVER underestimate the diabolical evil of the penguins!” and at that Rudolf {or was it Dancer?} snorted in agreement, “It's not easy to coordinate the efforts to sneak into every home on earth and steal socks. Then to go back and get the remote controls, while at the same time jacking up the volume on every car stereo!” he then stroked his beard as if he was thinking, “Technically speaking, what I do every year is child's play compared to the amount of sheer evil that they can accomplish on a 365 day basis!” and as I thought of this he had a point. Drawers full of mismatched socks and a fortune in replacement remotes alone is the type of chaos liberal activists try and fail at on a weekly basis.
“So why do you need me?” I piped up. I mean aside from being absolutely adorable and able to get away with almost everything I do, I can't see what much use I will be in this endeavor. Aside from telling the tale, while the others are held captive I can't really see what else I am to do.
Santa sure knew how to make a girl feel good about herself, let me tell ya, when he said, “I don't actually know. I thought you would be a real pain in the rear, but Rahm Emanuel insisted that we take you along, and I'm not really comfortable with pissing that guy off. You ever woken up next to a reindeer head?” Santa shivered at that statement. I had an idea what he was talking about there since the “rabbit hole” incident. As a matter of fact I have been meaning to get even with Rahm for that whole ordeal, but I haven't come up with the money for the six gallons of gasoline, 3 balls of yarn, eighteen number two pencils, a jar of pickles, and two brass thimbles my stupid brother says I need to get even properly {don't ask} and have had to put it on hold for now. This can't be very good.
“I definitely understand,” I finally said to Santa, “That guy can kill you with his creepy eyes alone!”
Santa gave another shudder and said, “I'm just thankful he's Jewish because the things he would have done to me for his yearly lump of coal. Not that I don't have to worry about a lot of evil lil bastards in Chicago as it is,” which on that note gave an extra sharp snap of the reigns. Rudolf turned his head and spit at him.
At this moment a strange noise came out of the front of the sleigh. A ringing sound and I could hear a groan from my escort as he reached up under the sleigh's footfalls to pull out the receiver of a red phone. Oh boy, this can't be good, or at the very least coherent. “You know you shouldn't call me when I'm driving,” he said into the receiver. He covered the mouthpiece and then said to me, “That stupid humming of the teleprompter every time he talks gets on my last nerve,” and I had one of my questions answered without even asking it, “Look sir, I need to hand you over to Imtoocutus so I can drive .. Imtoocutus, the one you sent me to pick up .. No sir he's been kidnapped and can't rescue himself, you were talking to Imtoocutus .. The one I picked … UGH .. Here you talk to him,” and with that he handed me the phone.
“.. Let me be clear. I need a sack of White Castle here. The first lady has me on a new diet, and the light cigarettes alone are making me hungry for some White Castle ..” and I pulled the phone away from my ear. After a few seconds I put it back, “.. I refuse to be held hostage by the Republicans not letting me have White Castle,” and after I looked back at Santa he shrugged at me.
I listened {off and on} to another twenty minutes of “White Castle” and at least twenty minutes of “McDonald's” and then something about “Kraft Macaroni & Cheese” but I was really starting to lose consciousness at that point. Santa was getting pretty sick of me turning from the phone and asking a perfectly legitimate question every few minutes .. “Are we there yet?” and he even got to the point of yelling at me, “WHEN I WAS A BOY, WE NEVER GOT THERE .. AND WE LIKED IT!” which disrupted the president long enough to change back from “Kraft Macaroni & Cheese” to a story about the longest trip he ever took to get to a White Castle!
Finally as if it had been weeks since I had seen land we could see off in the distance a great white mass of land. Yep, that would have to be Antarctica, and I could feel my sigh of relief as I was sick of looking at nothing but ocean for the last few hours. Listening to tales of all the crap Obama would eat if his wife would let him hasn't helped either. Santa placed his hand on my shoulder and said, “Better buckle up, there's no way the penguins will leave this place undefended like last time,” and what the hell was that supposed to mean? I didn't have to wait long to find out either as big turrets started lifting out of the ice like a really corny scene from one of the Terminator movies. As corny as it was six surface to air missiles being launched at you isn't as exciting as it sounds.
There was a red glow that came out of the front of the sleigh now as a flashing “evasive maneuvers” light came on. What the hell does Santa need a red alert notification system on his sleigh for? Of course as if he had read my mind Santa shouted out over the hiss of passing missiles, “There are still lots of Christians in Lebanon and Israel!” but that was lost in the mire of eight jets crossing the horizon and flying strait at us. Holy Moses these penguins are serious!
The first pass by revealed that all I could see in the cockpits were the very tops of little black heads. As they passed by the second time they unleashed everything they had, and let me tell you, I for one was rather shocked at how fast and maneuverable a sleigh pulled by reindeer's can be! Unfortunately it couldn't last forever, as we felt the jolt of one the back end of the sleigh tearing apart from the gunfire of one of the jets, and a fast dive from the sky and strait towards the ice below. You have no clue the speed from up to down in a crisis situation but even if I used the bad words Santa was shouting the whole way down I wouldn't have had the time to think them up before the sleigh and reindeer went thumping into the ground .. To be continued

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2010 - Part 1

I grew up hearing the tales of a far off land, where mountains of mismatched socks, and huge piles of lost remote controls. I had heard once or twice that I had been involved in a great quest to rescue Santa Claus from this very location, way down south. Way WAY down south, where the Superdaddyman had always believed that the evil penguins live. Now mind you, I may be young, but I don't buy into all that hype about how those cute little penguins in the Linux promos can be as evil as I hear, and quite frankly I was just a little too young to remember, or even buy that whole story about the “Battle to Save Christmas” so I just smile and let my dad {who I know is the Superdaddyman, but it's better to let him have the fantasy and act cute} sell his stories to the public.
While on that tale, let me say, that despite all the talk of how the Superdaddyman is my arch-nemesis, nothing could be further from the truth. I mean puh-leze I am just a ten year old girl, despite my evil genius, so like most things I just want to hug him and squeeze him and love him and hold him and name him George! Wouldn't you? Of course it is a quiet day here at the Casa-Di-Evils's and that alone makes me extra loveable, in a “wish I had someone to pester” sort of way. I think at the very least nobody in their right mind {oh look who I'm talking about and that statement seems kinda silly} would leave a ten year old girl with the ability to get away with anything, alone. Of course it's not like I am that idiot Captain ADHD {want to hug him and squeeze him and love him and hold him and name him George!} who you can't trust to NOT build some super secret and dangerous spy equipment on the roof to try and extort a Meeeeeeellliiiiioooooonnnn dollars from the world, the second you leave him alone, but I can hold my own! This is definitely odd indeed.
Now back to my second favorite subject {next to everyone else's business} which would be ME! You see I happen to be concerned about Christmas this year. After sending my three hundred page annotated list of demands to Santa Claus I had remembered a few things that I had forgotten. Don't you hate it when that happens? I was just about to sit down to deal with this oversight, and perhaps add a few hundred more things that were at best trivial, but all the same very important to me. The little things like bracelets {and NOT those stupid Disney Princess ones .. UGH} socks, and a jacket that doesn't make me feel like a snow ball. I give these people an A for effort, but they are woefully inept when it comes to outfitting evil genius such as mine! Um .. in a cute sort of way, of course.
That was when the idea hit me! POPCORN! Everything is better when you are eating popcorn! Off I went to the cupboard leaving the unfinished secret communique between myself and Santa, to find to my great horror, that there was no Orville Redenbaucher happiness in a bag! Now we have a problem that the lack of adult supervision finally revealed a glaring hole in my life! Who in the name of God am I supposed to walk around behind nagging .. um .. encouraging to get me more microwave popcorn! I should have seen the obvious lack of father and siblings as the true horror that it was, instead of waking up and jumping up and down on everything like I had. Hey! I'm only ten here, make up your own unsupervised nirvana ok? This was when I heard the noise coming from that place I hear stories of called “The Superdaddycave,” and realized that there was an opportunity to be nosey.
Using that super speed I was born with {yet refuse to use in front of anyone in fear that they might expect me to use it to do something} I was in the control center of the Superdaddycave and staring at the most curious red phone, in the center of the desk ringing. Funny how I had never noticed it there before? Something about that red phone and it's lack of buttons, kinda made me thing that it had “hands off” written all over it, so I picked it up and answered it. Hello? I'm ten and a girl remember?
I didn't even say anything yet when this strange hum came over the phone, so I was a bit intimidated by it up until a voice finally came out of the hum, “Hello, Superdaddyman, this is the Obama,” I didn't even have time to point out that I wasn't the Superdaddyman before he continued in the same actor-ish manner like he was reading from a script and didn't want to be interrupted. Oh is he in for it if he doesn't like interruptions, “You see we have a crisis that is of the utmost national interest,” I again tried to throw in that I wasn't the Superdaddyman but again he just talked right over me. I've heard about people like this, “Let me be clear. It appears that the penguins are back at it again and they have kidnapped the Superdaddyman, Lazius Boycrazius, and Captain ADHD, and even though you are kidnapped I will need you to go strait down to the South pole and rescue them,” and what the heck do you say to such an idiotic statement? Nothing of course because he didn't give me a chance, “I have called in a few favors and procured a couple of our operatives, who you have worked well with in the past to swing by and pick you up, so that you can go and rescue yourself from the penguins and hopefully get back in time for Christmas. This is of the utmost importance because I hear the holidays can be rather busy for not only yourself but the operative I have picked for this mission,” I wasn't even able to get out that I wasn't the Superdaddyman, or how if I was I could rescue myself when he finished up his talk, “They will be there to pick you up as soon as possible, and America thanks you for your service.”
When the humming stopped I finally said “But I'm not the Superdaddyman,” and knew it wasn't heard by the abrupt hang up that followed it. I took this opportunity to raise the level of irony by talking to myself out loud. Of course some would say that I don't need to have irony to talk to myself, but they are lying and wouldn't know cute if it fell out of the sky and crushed them, “So the Superdaddyman was telling the truth about the penguins down at the south pole,” I thought for a minute on that statement and then audibly uttered, “Maybe I shouldn't go down there and save him because then I would have to admit it!”
That was silly after all because even at my age I understand that a call from the president means that you have to respect the office. Lord only knows what I am supposed to do to save my idiot father and my idiot siblings {who I want to hug and squeeze and love and hold and name them George and Georgette!} but maybe whoever it is coming to pick me up will have some ideas. I just hope they have a boat because my teacher explained the south pole to me and you can't get there in the Superdaddymobile, that's for sure. I thought to myself that I better get ready {without popcorn!} and wait by the front door.
Bundled up warm in one of those stupid jackets that makes me feel like a gigantic mushroom, I waited for several minutes {you know .. forever!} wondering when whoever would be getting here. Snow was lightly falling but not accumulating very much on the lawn. This of course was the time I heard faint bells that appeared to be growing louder and louder and louder, until I heard a spilt second before I saw the great thud on the yard. This great thud came from eight enormous reindeer pulling a big sleigh with a larger than life fat guy in a red suit. The krinkled eyes from behind all that beard looked at me through the window in the door and with that he started waving me out to join him. The only thing I could think of was that all those Santa Claus' laps I had sat on all these years were nothing compared to the representation of this seven foot tall giant all dressed in red and in his own way looking kinda bad ass, and the gigundous reindeer standing at the front of the sleigh with the red nose and all the tattoos. Yeah I think we can kick some penguin butt … To be continued

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2009 - Finale

A Note About this Repost from the Madman Behind the Curtain - I told you before I loved this story, but part 3 left me with a bit of a quandary. The sweet ending involves someone who is no longer in the picture, who had since broken my little girl's heart. What was I to do with this? Drag up sad memories? Change it to someone else? Kill the person in a humiliating way that can be laughed about from here to eternity? I guess you'll just have to read it and find out! You can see the original un-edited version of this HERE .. Jeremy
Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2009 - Lazius Boycrazius' Miracle on 34th Street - Part 3 - {December 24, 2009}
This is where it gets a bit sketchy for me as the days barreled along. When I was younger Christmas would never come, but every year Christmas sneaks up on me more often as I get older. TAFAKK was finding himself more and more bogged down with the company shrink at Macy's who never could seem to live and let live. The Macy's corporation was thrilled with the huge sales that they were having at the store, and the egghead do-nothing psychiatrist that the ACLU lawyers forced on them was preoccupied with TAKAKK's insistence that he was Kris Kringle. I have to tell you that there are two types of crazy in this world and TAFAKK was definitely the lesser of both. I would say that I couldn't tolerate the know it all shrink for 3 minutes if I had to see him everyday.
He finally did it though when The Superdaddyman went to pick up Kris Kringle after work on the twentieth of December. Imtoocutus went along with him, and the two of them were in the lobby waiting for him to get out of another one of those infernal mental sessions. I heard about it all second hand, and I was shocked about it after the fact. The shrink came walking out yelling at TAFAKK about how Santa Claus doesn't exist and that is why he wasn't Santa Claus. Imtoocutus never being one to stay out of a fight or anyone's business started badgering the Psychiatrist about TAFAKK being the actual Santa Claus, until the shrink looked right at her and said, “Little girl it's unhealthy for you to be involved with such fantasy, and why don't you just grow up!”
Imtoocutus of course saw the opportunity to wreak real havoc on what was already a bad situation, and started bawling her eyes out. The Superdaddyman wasn't about to put up with this and went charging across the room only to get there a few seconds to late. It appears that Jolly Ol' Saint Nick could throw a mean roundhouse himself, and to make a long story short the shrink had 911 on the phone and TAFAKK in a paddy wagon faster than you could say “crybaby.” This meant that when Superdaddyman had come home from the police station, where bail was denied, he was not in a very happy mood. For that matter I wasn't in a happy mood either, since I couldn't see why anyone would create a situation like that stupid head shrinker did, but I was assured that he was fired that night, broken nose and all. This still couldn't end well as The Superdaddyman was ripping through internet sites looking for a way to get a legal degree overnight and represent TAFAKK in court the next day. I couldn't let this happen to either of them.
I spent the night running through Facebook, Myspace, Twitter and every other viral medium that I had at my disposal. I had created such a commotion in the chat rooms and message boards, that I think most of the organized free world was ready to defend Santa Claus against the secular legal system and while I was at it I made sure Dr. Egghead would never get a job again!Sure I wasn't all that keen on TAFAKK and his quest to be known as Santa Claus but at the same time I had made my belief known that he was a “good crazy” as apposed the the Kim Jong Il style crazy the shrink wanted everyone to think he was. One of my legal eagle friends had come up with a plot that was pure genius and all I had to do was get The Superdaddyman to leave me in charge of the witness list. As always I was in luck as he was still racking his brain trying to figure out the whole issue of how to recover the password he had just created a half hour ago to Duey Sooem and Howe's website.
It was a long weekend unfortunately and by the end of it TAFAKK was completely defeated. When I saw him in the courtroom he had the look of “Bubba's Bitch” all over his face, and was completely dejected. I ran over to give him a hug and there was no cheer in his face. My heart was breaking at the very sight of him, and what could I do to get him out of this state, and back to making Christmas a reality for all of the children that he had helped over the last month. He didn't say anything, and the shrink and the District Attorney were making a show trial out of a simple arraignment. The judge didn't look amused by the whole show dedicated to whether or not there actually was a Santa Claus or not. Myself, I could see his point. Who in their right mind would want to face the electorate after just ruling on whether or not there was a Santa Claus? I was starting to think that should I pull this off, I could save two souls today.
TAFAKK refused his invitation by the prosecution to take the stand and defend himself. This made the shrink feel rather smug, but it reflected heavy in the face of TAFAKK who just sat there looking completely dejected. I really couldn't blame him. The full weight of the city of Megalopolis was being thrown down on top of his head to determine if he was a crazy old fraud or not, and as he had muttered to me earlier, without those that believe in him, he lost the war. It was hard to not feel his pain, and in a way I really did wish that he was Santa Claus. Wouldn't you?
The prosecution rested feeling pretty good about themselves. In reality it was just the one witness, on behalf of the the prosecution and another that was there rather unwillingly. The shrink under no doubt, exclaimed how there is no Santa Claus, and that that meant TAFAKK was definitely not Santa Claus. The other was the manager of Macy's who sweated his way through a pile of badly framed questions, and then the Superdaddyman in his one fit of brilliance asked him the one question they had avoided, “Do you believe in Santa Claus?”
The entire courtroom had gotten quiet, as the manager of Macy's himself sat there fumbling through what obviously was a horrible situation for him. On the one hand, he could lie in court, and ruin his chance at freedom thanks to the whole perjury thing or he could tell the truth {or at least what I perceived as the truth} and have the entire shopping world consider him to have no faith in the man he had been using to create the greatest sales in the history of the store. I don't think anyone faced with such great peril could have gotten such a broad smile on his face when he stood up and proclaimed, “Of course I believe in Santa Claus! He's sitting right there!” and with great bravado he pointed at TAFAKK who looked up at him with a tear in his eye, and some of the color coming back into his face. The Superdaddyman had somehow lucked into breaking apart at least half of the prosecutions case. It was up to me to sink it all together.
The judge called The Superdaddyman up to the bench to present his witness list, and he resigned the obligation to me. I stood up and started dragging the several Staples Boxes that we had brought in with us. I handed a note to TAFAKK as I walked by that I had scribbled in the last few minutes as I saw the light almost come back into his face. I don't know if I really meant what I had wrote in it or not, but it seemed like the right thing to do. The judge looked down to see the 250 pounds of paper that I was, with great effort, trying to drag up to the bench with me, and then spoke up, “Young lady, how many witnesses do you plan on calling?” and after I had affirmed that it would be roughly 19 million, he then spoke out, “You do realize that every one of them has to be present since this is just an arraignment?”
I stopped screwing up my back and stretched up a bit to reply. “Your honor, they are all here,” and with that I pointed out the window. The judge who hadn't once looked out the window, turned really quickly to see that the “rent a mob” plan that I had executed the night before worked like a charm. He was staring out at every square foot of Megalopolis being filled elbow to elbow with at the very LEAST 19 million people holding up signs, ranging from “Free Santa” to “Leave My Santa Alone” and he turned back to me with a look of horror on his face. “Every last one of them is looking forward to taking the stand, and defending Kris Kringle as being THE Santa Claus and not just that there is a Santa Claus.”
TAFAKK looked up again with a little more light in his eyes, and then slowly opened the note I had handed to him which had inscribed on it, “I believe in you” and he stood up shouting “I have presents to deliver tonight!”
The judge took another look out the window and then back at Kris Kringle sitting before him. He waved his head back and forth a bit and then said, “Yes you do my friend,” and slammed the gavel down on the desk before stating “Case Dismissed” which echoed all the way to the crowd outside who let out a gigantic cheer that told the world Megalopolis that Christmas Eve was the largest city on Planet Earth! I quickly gave Kris a hug and started walking him outside to meet his adoring fans.
The news crews were everywhere and holding microphones up in his face as the millions upon millions that flooded the streets chanted “Santa Rocks! Santa Rocks!” which only died down when he held up his arms to silence everyone on the streets. He spoke into the PA system that was set up so all the news crews could get him at once, “I love you all, but tomorrow is Christmas! We all have a lot of work to do or children around the world will wake up to just another day! Christmas is NEVER just another day!” and the crowd went wild, but at the same time everyone in a very orderly fashion started filing out of the streets to enact upon the Santa Doctrine as it had been laid out by the big guy himself.
Kris had departed soon after that. He, of course had a ton of work to do if you really believed that he was old father Christmas, which I was still quite skeptical about. As I was sitting in the living room with all the evils's finishing off their gifts and proceeding to break all of them I noted that my mother had not called yet. Sure she was useless but the one thing I could count on was her waiting around before calling us so that she could act put upon because we didn't call her first. You can't explain to some people the difference between parents and kids, but I figured it out a long time ago. It's the other two that I get really upset for. Later that day when the phone rang and it was our mother, full of lies, full of excuses, and unapologetic about it all, I knew then that what I had asked of Kris Kringle was impossible, and perhaps a bit unfair. I knew that all along anyway. Still I like to think I learned a little something about human nature and decency, and I should appreciate that anyway.
This was when Superdaddyman handed me a note. He explained to me that Kris Kringle wanted him to give it to me after my mother called. I was at least happy that Kris didn't completely forget me, but it wasn't all that joyful. Of course like any card I opened it and shook it hoping money would fall out. RATS, no money, but there was a note which read, “Lazius Boycrazius, I didn't want to tell you the dirty little secret of being Santa Claus. I think you helped me prove it even if you didn't realize it. I can't change any 'person' unless they actually want to change,” I looked away from the note for a minute because I could feel the tears starting to well up. I didn't really want to hear that, because he had given me hope in the end. I continued on, “That doesn't mean I can't change the people that really want to. With that I must ask you to go and open the front door.”
I looked at the note again, and couldn't grasp why he wanted me to go to the front door, but Captain ADHD who was reading the note over my shoulder told me that I should go open the front door. Just to shut him up more than anything I walked over to the front door thinking to myself that this was stupid, and ripped the door open dramatically to make a statement, and found myself staring at Bohemian Boycrazius, Mainey Boycrazius, and my Aunt Bradybunchious Marriedus all dressed to the nines and waving tickets to a Trans-Siberian Orchestra show. Auntie Bradybunchius piped right up, "Some fat guy in a red suit showed up and gave me this flying sleigh so I figured I'd take my two favoritest nieces out for some girly time!" and I started jumping up and down.
Of course Mainey had to pipe right up, "Yeah cuz boys are stupid!" ;8o)

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2009 - Part 2

Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2009 - Lazius Boycrazius' Miracle on 34th Street - Part 2 - {December 23, 2009}
It was an unusually long ride home. Between the screaming mini evils's and the new “guest” that the bleeding hearted Superdaddyman had agreed to let stay with us until Christmas eve, the Superdaddymobile was crammed. So now apparently the artist known as Kris Kringle {TAKAKK} is homeless. Who would have seen that coming, but oh noooo. We get to bring him home with us. I can't even fathom what he was thinking on this one, and that is saying something after 13 years of analyzing the Superdaddybrain! Perhaps he is hoping that Mr Thinkshe'sSantaClaus is THAT type of whacko and will finish us all off? I don't know and I don't care I at the very least had installed that Brinks system thanks to a raging case of creepy little brother and creepier little sister. I may just never come out of my cell!
Now of course perhaps he is bringing the Jolly Old Elf home to show the world that he could potentially have someone older than Greektradgedius Inyiddish in the house, or worse yet he is executing a hook up! I may never be able to get that image out of my head and I blame the Daddyman full on! The boy genius is still raving on about how he gets to share his room with Santa Claus. I couldn't even heal my hands with all the smacking around he truly needs. TAKAKK is doing the whole making his list and checking it twice thing. You'd think a guy dressed in red with an army of 3 foot tall slaves could get his own place for the next month, but then again I could always be out of that loop.
As I suspected Greektradgedius Inyiddish and TAKAKK got along famously. The fact that they remember the whole “Jesus on the Cross” thing might make Christmas a little more of a reminiscent holiday for them who knows? I held back from asking them the “Did George Washington actually get a spanking for chopping down the cherry tree?” question that had entered my mind and decided to retire to my cell. This is my happy place, since I can execute top secret communications {and then post them to Myspace and Facebook} and try to get a grasp on what is really going on with that TAKAKK guy.
The very next day was all it took for my little world to be wrecked up again, as I got a phone call from the Superdaddyman. He was prattling on about needing me to go out to Macy's and deal with issues for him because he was busy. I'm all for getting out of school and that, but what does going to Macy's have to do with anything and why is it his, or my problem? Ok never mind I forgot who I was talking too, and simply gathered up my gear to head into Macy's and check on a problem that probably involved a big crazy man that thinks he's Santa Claus. Never mind that I have no license, or that I am still a minor. Just run over to Macy's and deal with a whack job other than my jailor, does that sound sensible? Yeah I didn't think so either, but again it gets me out of school.
Macy's was a zoo! The line going around the corner was all on it's way to TAKAKK and he wasn't sitting on his throne up front. I thought I was going to have to bust ugly all over some of these single moms who were trying to accuse me of cutting in line. “Do I look like I desperately have to see Santa lady? Did you notice I forgot my kids? As a matter of fact I forgot to have them all together!” I refrained from telling her that if I were her I would have lived by my example, but I didn't have time to beat her behind and get to the bottom of this, and then get back to school for the cute teachers later in the day. My sacrifices are never taken into account now are they?
There was TAKAKK arguing with the store manager, and a few employees. All of them were telling him the way they saw things, and he was ignoring them and stating his own views. He seems to be every bit as stubborn as the Superdaddyman, which solves one of those questions I had had. The manager was just ranting at him, “You can't tell the customers to shop at other stores!” and then he reloaded, “It's your job to steer customers to OUR items for sale, what is wrong with you!” and I must admit that the conversation seemed rather sensible even if I was walking into it rather late.
“No you see that is where you are wrong sir!” came a booming voice from what was just yesterday a very kindly man with whiskers, “Christmas is about the children! If a child wants a toy that you don't have I will tell the parents where to get it, and if your price is the difference between getting a toy or getting two toys I will send them elsewhere!” and here I could only think that it was a great thing that the kids were so loud that they couldn't hear this. He went on of course, “My duty is first and foremost to the children and to try and support the parents that have scrimped all year just to be able to afford the gifts for them, and if you don't like it ...”
The answer to the “don't like it” question was left hanging as a woman walked over and tapped the manager on the shoulder. “Are you the manager here?” she said in a rather waning voice. Before the manager could even confirm she continued, “You see my husband was laid off for the holidays, and we were going to spend our last savings to get Johnny the Robbie Robot that he wanted,” the look on the managers face was disdained but the woman continued, “Well thanks to your Santa Claus we was able to get that robot over at Kay-Bee for half the price, and then came back here to get him some new clothes to go with it. I don't know what games you guys are pulling here but I like it,” her face broke into a big grin, “If Macy's cares about me then I care about Macy's. I'll be going home and calling all my friends and telling them that they owe it to themselves to come in here.”
The manager was flustered, but jabbled out a “Thank You” in great detail as the woman walked away. He glanced over at TAKAKK and said, “Well you have children to see, keep up the good work!” he then stopped him on his way and said “You wouldn't happen to have those price lists would you, I think every employee here should know these prices and adjust if we can or send the customers along to make room for the other customers.”
TAKAKK looked towards me as he said, “Sorry sir, they are all up here,” and with that he pointed at his head, “It's a gift that I have but I will work on a list tonight if you wish,” and after the manager agreed to it he was sent along to deal with the screaming children. He gave me one of those creepy old man winks as he walked by, and I was still perplexed as to why I was even here to witness this. Again I have learned not to question these things because Lord knows the narrator in all those stupid Superdaddyman stories never comes to me for editing advice.
Later that night after dinner I was taking the dishes from the dinner table and TAKAKK was still sitting there writing down his list of prices. Twelve years of public school had never put as much information in my head as was coming out of TAKAKK's and being put on paper. He had just about every toy ever made, and I pointed out to him that no child was going to be looking for an Atari 2600. He smiled and said, “Oh you never know, and look at that price anyway,” as I was thinking that there was a reason it was so cheap. Before I could even ask the question he went on, “It's my job to know where everything is and how to get it for the best price. The elves went union, and it's very hard to get them to produce like they used to so I need some help now and then.”
Oh the whacky old man. His own belief in the fantasy, was so overpowering that he could almost get me to go along with it. Thankfully I learned my way around a fantasy or two dealing with the guy downstairs downloading tons of it {even though he thinks we don't know} and of course the woman to whom my whole “gift” was based on. Her life crossed over into fantasy so long ago that I simply labeled it all “lies” and got on with my life. As nice of an old man, whiskers or not, I wouldn't give him Monaco odds on being able to install a clue in my mother. We are after all talking about a woman who lost her kids and still denies it. I tried to walk him back into the world of reality a bit since I am the patron evils's of lost causes, “You know if they really wanted to they could have their own people get these prices and you don't have to spend all of your free time writing them all down?”
He smiled at me

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2009 - Part 1

A Note About this Repost from the Madman Behind the Curtain - Well in 2008 I had come up with the stroke of genius that I should do "A Christmas Story" as explained by Captain ADHD. It actually took a few people half a page to realize it was Captain ADHD telling the story instead of everyone's favorite super villain turned super hero. I had actually fallen in love with that blog despite the lack of readers, but the most important reader of them all loved it. That's why I decided that she should have her own the next year, and I think this was even better! I hope you enjoy .. Jeremy
Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2009 - Lazius Boycrazius' Miracle on 34th Street - Part 1 - {December 22, 2009}
It can be a cruel cruel world out there, but I have never fostered the belief that Santa Claus was real. Don't get me wrong, I think a fat man in a red suit promising Christmas Cheer and all that junk is nice, but keeping control of the two smaller factions of the Terrorist Organization Known as the Evils's {TOKE} is hard work, and without my controlled form of “beat down” Captain ADHD alone would become too powerful for his own good. Now of course being the “muscle” behind our little slice of criminal nirvana alone but to have to deal with all that yammering, stammering from two lunatics within my own criminal organization just makes it all that much more difficult. In the end I just hit them with the “yeah yeah sure sure” when it comes to the whole Santa Claus thing and go about my hectic life of keeping track of actors, and happenings around the “Twilight” saga.
Now of course it was one of those silly work furloughs that The Superdaddyman carted us all off to New York to see something he called the greatest parade on earth, and he went on and on about having an “in” with the big guy. He talked about things like penguins and Secretaries of State who look good in skirts, and let's get real here, I plead the fifth when it comes to the inner workings of that guy. In the end it was a trip to New York City and more opportunity for me to end my career as “criminal muscle” and potentially start my career as “Robert Pattison” stalker extraordinaire. I merely needed to get this whole “watching balloons and talking to a fat guy in a Red Suit” stuff out of the way.
Now in all fairness, the giant Underdog, and Snoopy were pretty cool, the bands were a bit less annoying when you see them live, and as a late teenage Evils's I can always find the value in something centered around Macy's to be of pretty important value. Two hours of watching people march, and carry things does get old though. Serious facebook time has been wasted on all of this, and I haven't quite mastered the cell phone as a means of web communication, so the battery is dying from all the text messages of “I'm going to kill one of these twits,” without an end in sight. Nobody can quite get the smell of New York City without standing in it with a few million others, even on the day after Thanksgiving. I was nudged out of my half sleepy warbling by my captor {The Superdaddyman} as what appeared to be the end of this lunacy wandered towards us. There it was, off in the distance, a large float with the biggest, reddest man on it since Ted Kennedy was alive. Of course this one was standing and waving and smiling at everyone, which was a stark contrast to that other fat red elf.
The sheer humiliation of being related {but in denial} to the two little freaks bouncing around as if this was Santa himself, was insane. They smacked, poked, pushed, prodded, and harassed me the whole time about how Santa was on his way, and then assumed that from this they were finally in the promised land. I think perhaps the whole concept of “scare tactics” based on “Santa know if you've been bad or good” perhaps makes Kris Kringle a viable necessity, albeit total fiction or else these little bastards would have closets full of coal. Still furious that there wasn't a “Twilight Saga” float this year I counted my blessings that I could at least plot the biggest sequel to “Escape from New York” in the history of mankind, had it not been for that stupid Superdaddyman and his flagrant name dropping that was going to drag my unwilling victim ass, into Macy's to meet the fat guy himself. Heaven forbid that I ever get past the age of ten in any near future venue!
Watching the fake praise thrown at the feet of this Santa Claus was not even amusing after a while. Yeah I have to admit that he was charming, perhaps even personable. He was far better than the drunk they had last year, and in his own way the real whiskers was a nice touch. Kids were running all around him, and he was without a doubt very good at inter-idiot skills as he promised them everything from an X-Box 360 to Holidays named after them. That which he couldn't outright give them, he simply “moved” them into different things like that guy on “The Mentalist” and you gotta give him credit for that. The Superdaddyman was making the rounds and giving “shout outs” to his peeps, while I of course was stuck guarding the two smaller Evils's in the line. Unfortunately I was paying attention as the Fat Guy at the front of the line calling himself Kris Kringle with that Jonestown ferocity was faced with his first real Santafail moment, as the parents of a Croatian adopted refugee made it to the front of the line, apologizing profusely because the child couldn't speak English. I chuckled to myself as I waited for the grand Santafail, followed by my brilliantly executed “I told you so” rhetoric.
Unfortunately the rhetoric was put on hold as the man in the big red suit quickly hoisted her up on his lap and started speaking to her in something that sounded like Italian, but much harder to understand, “I što želite za Božić mali anđeo?” which was perplexing as the little girls face just lit up, and tears filled her eyes. She grabbed the Santa Claus {for lack of a better word} and started chirping in her own sweet little voice a mile a minute. They both conversed for quite a bit, and it was obvious that they both understood each other, so this really threw a wrench in my whole Santafail theory. The good news was that the other two Evils's driving me mental were too busy bothering each other to notice this, and I had plausible deniability. Of course the line that I was mired in with the other twits was getting smaller every minute, and that could pose some problems.
Seeing my little sister {I guess she's codenamed Imtoocutus} just blathering on and on and on about all the things that she wants, was torture. I mean any kid that asks Santa for clothes, and doesn't even apply any designers that she wants, is just plain weird. This was what she asked everyone for on her birthday, and they all just placated her, making me have to sit through a girl getting all excited over Wal-Mart and Target's latest fall fashions. Making wretching noises didn't change the tenor of it all, and I was forced to try and blame it on DNA issues as I am only 50% genetically related to the Eviltard. This also gives me an opportunity to rag on and on about that simpleton Superdaddyman who like totally gave her these genes. The color schemes she goes for as well, um .. let's just say we won't go there.
Then there was the whole Captain ADHD going on about how he really does need something called a Global thermonuclear incendiary device? Who the hell knows what one of those are but the Santa fraud sitting on the Santa throne seemed to know and was actively trying to talk him out of it. Needless to say if Captain ADHD wants one then there is a chance that anyone playing Santa would want to talk him out of it. On the other hand it isn't clothes so I would have to call him a bit more normal than the reject over there talking an angry looking elf's ear off. I think that the “diabolical one” as Superdaddyman would put it, was almost convinced that NERF makes some rather realistic thermoglobalthingymadingies, and was about to hop off of his lap. I was all for that because it would get us out of this line with the disease factories coughing all over me, but that wasn't going to be so easy now was it?
“And what do you want for Christmas young lady?” the non drunk more realistic than most Santa asked as he grabbed me by the arm. Hello? Can anyone here spell inappropriate touching? Well nobody is going to call me out for ruining Christmas for the mind numb robots and especially the ones that I have to live with, so I chose to not start screaming and beating him about the head. I did shoo the other two away so that I could have a “talk” with Santa. He added, “So what is your name young lady?”
“My name is Lazius Boycrazius and what is yours?” and he very cheerily pointed out that his name was Kris Kringle, and I chuckled a bit. The poor delusional old man didn't need me driving him over the edge so I simply said, “Well I'm not here to play the Santa game, I know that there is no such thing as Santa Claus, but you do seem to be a very nice old man with whiskers, and let's just leave it at that?”
His smile didn't break for a moment and he looked at me with a bit of comedy in his eyes. He started speaking in the usual patronizing voice but as he was with the little evils's was kind enough to at least get a bit of respect. “You haven't had it very easy, I imagine and somewhere along the way, you have lost faith in father Christmas I see?” his smile was after all infectious and I can see why the Macy's Santa makes the big bucks, “What can I do to restore your faith in me this year? I'm sure there is something you really want that only the REAL Santa Clause can give you?”
The man in the jolly red suit was patiently waiting as I eyeballed everyone staring at us. I couldn't crush everyone waiting in line and I couldn't hold UP the line any longer. I figured I would throw something out there rather snarky, and at the same time completely impossible, in the interest of “playing the game.” I cleared my throat and said, “Well if you really are the real Santa Clause then perhaps you could do the one thing that no man on planet Earth has done?” his face was alight with the challenge and my lips curled into a bit of an evil smirk, “You could give my mother a clue, instead of giving me anything at all. You could do it on behalf of my brother and sister, and give them the greatest Christmas of all?”
The light in his eye changed dramatically as he became somewhat somber. He didn't seem too out of sorts though as he stroked his beard, and considered what I had asked of him, “Well this one isn't going to be easy, and I can't make any promises, but I will do the best that I can,” he said with uncertainty in his voice. He looked up at me and asked, “This would restore your faith in father Christmas though, I have your word?”
Knowing full well that it is the impossible dream of even the most mind numb brother, I was perfectly safe in pledging my soul to Christmas itself as I nodded my agreement. I spoke up at that time saying, “If you can't I will still consider you just a nice old man with whiskers, but I sincerely doubt that even if you were Santa Claus you wouldn't be able to fix that,” I shot him a smile, and then added, “It's almost unfair of me to rest it all on that.”
He reached out and grabbed my hand to shake it, and his hand was unusually warm. He shook it up and down, and then said, “So it is up to Santa Claus to save the very spirit of Christmas in you, and I am up for the task. Nothing in this world is really that easy after all.” … to be continued

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2008 - Finale

A Note About this Repost from the Madman Behind the Curtain - Well I guess I said it enough that I really liked this finale. My kids liked it, and that was a bonus. Starting tomorrow it will be intermixing the 2010 Christmas Countdown and the last of the reposts and I thank you for following me down memory lane thus far .. Jeremy
Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2008 - Captain ADHD Tells The Christmas Story - Part 3 - {December 24, 2008}
Of course they hadn’t heard the last of me! I am and have always been the same criminal mastermind that holds this pathetic city hostage at my merest wish, despite the fact that the coming out process was in effect when this tale was being spun. That official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, would have been beyond the scope of ordinary boys and girls at this point in time, but I borrowed a page out of Imtoocutus’s book and started my steady flow of nagging and bribery. I started diligently picking up extra chores around the house. Well not the ones they wanted me to do, but the ones that would better serve my goals and objectives.
The first chore I took upon myself was the exhausting task of answering the phone whenever someone called. “Hello, you have reached the Casa di Evil’s where the best gift you could get anyone would be the official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock!” I had to start hanging up on the ones that said I’d shoot my eye out because they were simply taking up valuable marketing time. In the end it was that rotten Lazius Boycrazius that convinced me that I should move on to other chores {I think anyway, it was kinda a blur after the first few punches} and even suggested a few of them that seemed to mimic most of her chores. Tragically I was too tired to take on any of those chores and decided it was best for me to retire to my parlor for a while to think up more “useful” chores that didn’t involve things like “work” and would of course reach my true objective.
Now mind you during this time of my long and fulfilling life thus far the Superdaddymoron was married to the one that he commonly refers to as EX3. It’s hard to remember all the time, since he has been obviously trying to teach Liz Taylor a thing or two about the whole ordeal, but she was the one that only seemed to be with other girls after they broke up. I can only imagine the amount of cooties that two women can produce in a day! Uck! Now as my memory serves her and Greektradgedius Inyiddish were both fighting diligently over who got to ruin the Christmas turkey. Take it from a survivor of both of their cooking, that either of them could have done it quickly and efficiently without all of the emotional battery that they expended to get from point A to point B, but even a six year old super villain can catch on to the fact that it is the emotional abuse leading up to the confrontation that kept them both young. Being a male cursed with that vile Jeremy Crow’s DNA I should probably get used to women like that, but let’s get back to the point here. Jeremy Superdaddyduh Crow is a certified turkey craven lunatic, and it’s probably the only thing that keeps him putting up with the holidays at all. Well that and because you are what you eat I suppose.
Now by the time Christmas day had rolled around I had just about exhausted all of my resources on getting that official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock. The day of Christmas in fact I remember gloomily sorting through the crap everyone had actually gotten me. A new computer, Playstation 2, a new bicycle, television, see in the dark infrared glasses like the marines use, and a pile of other unfulfilling crap. I watched my stupid little sister run around with a box over her head yelling “A Box a Box !!! Look daddy I got a box!!!” like some little freak! I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be that young and stupid, but as I carry on, the only real pleasure in it all was the usual tragedy of watching the Superdaddyslob walking around with a bottle of Maalox in his hand dealing with three different families all sitting around and hating on each other. Sure I knew that EX3 {who in the end had the honor of ruining the turkey} was leaving later that day. I’m not stupid after all, and I watched her leave every night for the last month or so and had noticed that all of her things were gone, when I was .. um .. scouting out the house. Let’s face it though, my lack of official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock kinda meant that everyone else should have a horrible Christmas. I realize that it probably wasn’t going to get to that box loving moron that sleeps in the other room, but I have years to get even with her!
This was when it happened! The dogs that had been barking at the door all day, held at bay from their carnal needs had been accidentally {muahahahaha?} let in, and they made a b-line strait for the turkey that was cooling off next to the stove. Of course Maggie jumped up to grab it and the stupid dog knocked herself out against the cabinet, and Tommy just sat there staring at it using his mental abilities to get Greektradgedius Inyiddish out of her throne in the living room to come in and give him a piece of it. As usual it worked like a charm as she came out telling him what a good dog he was. She carved off a good slab and loudly explained that this was the fatty part of the breast and tossed it to him. It was pure insanity from the moment it hit the floor. Maggie who was starting to come around seized the piece of turkey from Tommy {cuz he is a loser} and started devouring it. Tommy resorted to plan two and started whining. Greek Tradgedius found another huge chunk of fat in the breast and gave it to Tommy, and the fun began.
Maggie started up first as she had devoured her chunk of turkey the fastest. It was coming out both ends like something out of the exorcist!! She was running around hurling on everyone’s pant legs, while Tommy ground his butt into the carpet leaving a trail of sick behind him. Within minutes they had traded places and the rooms that earlier were strewn with wrapping paper were now strewn with something of a far more biodegradable matter, and the smell … oh my God the smell of the doggie sick all over everything was enough to start Imtoocutus to joining in on the fun. Now there were two dogs and an idiot hurling all throughout the living room. You couldn’t buy a script like this! {or perhaps you could, feel free to leave a comment and my people can meet up with your people and we can do lunch} Greektradgedius Inyiddish was running around demanding that someone clean up the mess and fix her dog. Lazius Boycrazius was having a fit of the giggles, and Superdaddydoofus was sitting on the back porch with a cigarette in one hand and a poisonous turkey leg in the other. I actually think that he was hoping one or the other would kill him.
Several hours later, we had just about cleaned up all of the mess, and I was about ready to call it a night, when I heard the doorbell upstairs ringing. I didn’t think much of it since I had almost had the Playstation 2 completely apart, so that I could see what really made it tick, and then I heard footsteps on the stairs leading down to my lair. They weren’t the usual footsteps that I hear above me which actually made me put down the pile of spare parts I had left over while trying to reconstruct the PS2. I finally heard the voice as it walked around the corner, and was shocked to see my maternal grandfather standing there with a package for me. He had that look of irresponsibility on his face that I so admire about him, and I could hear his faithful accomplice {my grandmother} upstairs keeping everyone else occupied. “Hey Booboo you haven’t opened my Christmas present yet,” he said to me as he came walking around the corner.
I was totally elated as I knew my faithful accomplice in anything that would get under that Superdaddygoons skin, couldn’t possibly let me down! I seized the package from him, which coincidentally didn’t occur to me at the time was about thirty times to large to have an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, but you know how my mind gets when I enter Super ADHD mode. I ripped the paper open, throwing it in every direction. The box was HUGE, and it had a picture of a real creepy looking kid that belonged in a Brady Bunch rerun smiling at me, while holding a couple of sticks. My mind was thinking “nun chucks” but then again my mind wasn’t thinking much at all as this box was WAY too big for nun chucks and Lord knows this 70’s castaway would only hurt himself with a pair. As I tore open the box I saw … a drum set.
Now the look of bewilderment on my face must have said it all but my Bumpa {no comments, the guy brings me all the contraband I’ll call him whatever he wants} simply smiled at me and said, “If you can’t get what you want, get even,” and winked at me. A small black spot started forming in my brain as it dawned on me what wonderful headaches I could start handing out with this. It should only take a few days before someone brings a gun into the house after all! It was through that drum set that I finally had the tools necessary to hone my super evil skills of ADHDing properly as well. I was like a tone deaf Keith Moon on crack, and most of the family couldn’t even walk into the same room as me when I got going! All in all it wasn’t the worst Christmas I ever had, but it still seems to stick out in my mind like that jerk that used to beat you up in school, whatshisname out in Arkansas now. I would have to say it is in my top ten Christmas’s of all time, and that’s my story. I’m sticking to it. Signed .. The Sweet and Innocent .. Captain ADHD ;8o)

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2008 - Part 2

Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2008 - Captain ADHD Tells the Christmas Story - Part 2 {December 22, 2008}
Of course life does go on in Megalopolis. Aside from my quest to get that official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, and the various plots that the Powers that Be {PTB} concocted to keep me from it, there was the case of this bully at school. You know the type, who is about 3 years older than everyone else and can’t seem to get past the fifth grade. The inbreeding and such had also managed to mutate him larger than most of the eighth graders that he should have been with, but luck would have it, he gets to hang out with the fifth graders, and at the time, beat up all the first graders. Myself being included in all of this, it was hard for me to save up the necessary funds to buy my own official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock. Fortunately I hadn’t planned on spending my lunch money on food anyway, but I took the problem to that Superdaddydolt, and all he had to say was the pitiful old crap of “You just have to stand up to that bully and punch him in the mouth,” yeah like that was going to happen, and then of course added, “Bullies are bullies because secretly they are cowards.”
Well in this case bullies can be bullies because the pain of trying to think makes them mean. Perhaps it is because he was roughly seven freaking years older than me, and gets angry that he has to get on his knees and reach down to punch me. Never seemed to stop him come to think of it, but perhaps he was just an inbdred redneck with nothing better to do, I really could have cared less. I wasn’t stupid enough to hit him back no matter how many times he had beaten me up. Now if I had that official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, I probably could have just shot his sorry butt and had done with it, but noooooooooooo, we had to play the game. It was then that I realized that I had strange evilling abilities that were unhoned, and bursting to get out of me. Sort of like Harry Potter, but not in such a head up your butt, doo gooder sort of way. My first nemesis, aka Lazius Boycrazius had been developing her diabolical skills already but not at such a young age as I. This of course can be explained away by my superiority and leadership that has guided TOKE {The Terrorist Organization Known as the Evils’s} into the international force that it has become today, but I digress. As always I am worried that my superior intellect could be confusing to those trying to keep up after all.
Well you see it was that one day, on my way home from school after yet another dejection in my quest to get the official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock. This time it was that one eyed kid who sells the strange smelling herbs on the playground who always has a knack for getting anything you need. When he told me that I would shoot my eye out I came pretty close to asking him what had happened to his, but thought better of it. He was notoriously mean too you see, and besides I had to get my stupid little sister home and she could hardly move in that stupid snow suit. Well as luck would have it along came that stupid bully and he had just gotten word from the strange kid that I was trying to procure a certain official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock. He wasn’t showing up to help, let me tell you, and he nailed me strait in the face with an ice ball. My eyes had teared up horribly, and he started calling me a crybaby. Nobody calls me a crybaby and gets away with it! Well actually he did on this occasion but I digress yet again!
Having had enough of all this crap I heard a small voice in the back of my head saying “Use the force Luke!” which made me know instinctively it was time for me to go home and get my pills, but it also reminded me of all the painstaking effort I had taken in hacking into the Superdaddydummy’s computer network! I was simply twittering with ideas, or perhaps it was the lack of pills, but my stifled abilities had come out of me, and I had a plan we will just call Operation Get The Stupid Dummy That Steals My Lunch Money And Make Him Pay Really Badly {OGT .. uh .. SD .. Oh screw it THE PLAN} and it should have come to me all along. A simple little prank that would forever change his ability to bully me, and far more effective than having to have my jaw wired shut if I were to hit him. You see it was so simple that I was almost ashamed of myself for not coming up with it sooner, but at six years old I was just starting to come into my own.
First I did what just about anyone else would have done, and speed blitzed all the credit servers on the internet. Once I had stocked piled enough credit in the name of the Bully’s parents, I withdrew all of the cash and immediately started transferring it between their bank accounts and special bank accounts that I had been playing around with when I was bored in the Cayman Islands and Switzerland. The trick was to use the speed of Captain ADHD to make sure that thousands of transactions would get through before the IRS could figure it out. By the time the IRS had come to take the Bully’s parents away, he had already been sent off to live with his grandmother in the Ozarks or some other place where the hillbilly’s live, and I was home free. It was a bit simplistic in nature, but I had confirmed that it would work using the Ovaltine Little Orphan Annie Ouija Board that I had gotten in the mail. Now I could get back to the important things like manipulating my way into that official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock … To be continued

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2008 - Part 1

A Note About this Repost from the Madman Behind the Curtain - Well as I had eluded to in the last post, this was done in a hurry, and it was done in desperation, and in my opinion it was done well. I remember when I was writing it too, because despite the misery that last November and December was, the whole time I was banging this out, I was thinking about how it would have been received years before. My fantasy .. oh well, but it was loved by my favorite critics .. My daughter and my son .. Jeremy
Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2008 - Captain ADHD Tells the Christmas Story - Part 1 - {December 21, 2008}
Ah I remember the good old days before I was the most diabolical force known to mankind. Yes in those days I was simply a little boy, with all the hopes and dreams of any little boy, and my time was better spent trying to con people out of what I wanted for Christmas, and less on trying to hold the world hostage for one meeeeeeeeeelion dollars. Yes I tended to run around with boxes over my head, yelling about how it was the greatest box I had ever gotten, but I was so young, ever so young and lost in the dementia of Christmas itself. Later on separated as I was from the family I understood, I was once again smitten with the idea of Christmas, and getting that one great toy. The only toy I ever needed, and will always cherish, I had even written uber class essays on my wonderful decisions to my teacher, just to have her break my poor little heart with those five little words, “You’ll shoot your eyes out,” and a big fat C on them.
You see this is where the whole world started their evil plan to get me at all costs. It started with my fool of a mother {I think they codenamed her The Mother of all the Evils’s or MAE} and was infiltrated into the very school that was supposed to teach me things. My father was no help, that simpering Jeremy Crow, and who is he fooling, I know he is also the Superdaddyman, but all good super villains know how to keep their enemies secrets for their own purposes, and obviously had been brought to all those that would seek to help true genius as myself! Operation Get the Captain {or OGC I suppose} had been in the works for years, and it appeared that I was no closer to getting that official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, but I am after all the boy with a plan! Quitting is not, and has never been a part of my vocabulary, and even when I was young and dumb, I was able to formulate a plot, if the goal was great enough. Who wouldn’t want an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock after all?
I had had some minor success formulating a few plots here and there along the way, and as my cognitive skills were forming around me, I had worked my own special brand of magic in preparations for the big plan. What is a man without a plan? Even at the ripe old age of 5, which seems like half my life ago, I was practicing the skills of manipulation. Sure there was that kid on the playground who I got to stick his tongue to the pole, and the urine I had put in my teachers coffee {give me a C and her smart butt remarks will she} but most of my new found eviling skills were being honed properly cracking into the Superdaddydolt’s server, and deleting all those stupid movies with the people screaming in the bedroom, and wrestling or something. Never could understand how they were supposed to wrestle properly without a ring and tights on anyway, but that is neither here nor there. It was all a question of breaking them all down. The secret to any good criminal mastermind, even when fledgling in nature is to wear down the hopeless do gooders! Give them something else to worry about so that you can sneak in under the radar.
Santa Clause was out by this point. That fat old bastard told me that I would shoot my eye out to, and let’s face it, after waiting two hours in line to hear that he deserved what I did to his whiskey bottle, after I snooped around a bit in his hut. Always remember to bring an accomplice on those missions, because the Clause always seems to have a lot of little security people wearing tights and pointy hats everywhere. It was pretty simple really, I sat on his lap, gave him my list of demands, “My father says I can’t have an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, and I told him that you would kick his Superdaddybutt unless I get it!” to which he had the audacity to say to me the fatal five words, and what was I supposed to do then? Just take it like a girl? Speaking of girl this is where the little sister comes in handy, as she was up next yammering away like the little idiot that she is and touching absolutely EVERYBODY. I swear after about five minutes of that she had lulled the fat traitor into a sense of dull apathy, and I struck like the burgeoning criminal mastermind should at times like these. Bottle was found, the stupid looking dog with the fake antlers on its head had a place to relieve itself, I had a place to relieve myself, and Lord only knows that red nosed old fraud was probably thrilled to see that he had almost twice as much whiskey on his next break! I of course tried unsuccessfully to petition all the other Santa Clauses with the bells out front of Wal-Mart, and the grocery stores, just to find out that they had gotten to all of them too.
I could feel the evil coursing through my every vein as OGC was being plotted and planned behind my back, and like all of the inferior class super villains you read about in the comic books, I was starting to plot harder to get my official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock. Now mind you characters like the Joker, or Lex Luthor, or even that stupid Vulture guy were never blessed with my superior skills at committing unmitigated evil, so you can only expect their plots to go wrong, but then again sadly in my youth I wasn’t quite honed in the fine arts of Evil-Fu myself. Many other plots came and went, and I was quite melancholy when some of my greatest allies in the war against the Superdaddyman couldn’t understand the overwhelming need for an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock. Even Greektradgedius Inyiddish was no help in all of this. Her reply of those five hated words meant that the overwhelming “guilt beat down” that I was hoping she would lay on the Superdaddyfool wasn’t coming. Bringing the idea to Greektradgedius Intraining not only brought those five words but the string of obscenities that spilled out before and after them was enough to turn my face purple. If I wasn’t already one of the foremost evil geniuses in the world I might have even thought I could bring this up to therapist and get a bit of sympathy about it all!
I guess while we are on that subject they apparently had gotten to her too. All I had to say was, “I want an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock and all of these halfwits around me don’t seem to understand the cataclysmic importance of this!” and she used the five words on me! I had always thought that she was on MY side, and worse than that she came pretty darn close to talking me out of it! Mental note should be inserted here that I forced her into early retirement just like that witch who used to be my teacher. You can’t expect a super villain to accept treachery at such a base level can you? In the end I had finally determined that it was going to take some pretty shifty dealings to get an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, but what else was I supposed to do at this point? Oh they’ll see … To be continued

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2007 - Finale

Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2007 - How the Fed-Ex Driver Stole Christmas - Part 2 {December 23, 2007}
Along the way the mean FedEx Drivery fool, finds reason to believe that the Evils’s can still Yule. So again he amasses the fiendish FedEx Drivery Trick, “I’ll rob the UPS driver and steal all of those presents, now wouldn’t THAT be slick!”
And through the window FedEx Driver saw the great tree, he broke in the door when he heard a small buzz like a bee. He turned around fast, and he saw a small Evils’s! Little Imtoocutus, who was a lot more than two.
The FedEx Driver had been caught by this tiny Evils’s daughter who'd got out of bed to break her brother’s toys before he could get them. She stared at the FedEx Driver and said, "WHY?" and then followed it with an ear piercing trail of words that is rarely distinguishable to anyone anyway.
But, you know, that old FedEx Driver was so smart and so slick He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick! "Will you SHUT UP," the FedEx Driver cried, "You’re going to wake everyone up!" but that didn’t stop her a bit for it never does, "Please be quiet and I’ll give you THIS" came out next as he held out a box of candy he stole from another house.
And his ill gotten candy shut the Evils’s up. Then he patted her head and he got her a drink and he sent her to bed. And when Imtoocutus went to bed with her cup, HE back to the tree and then blew the thing up!
But as we know already the FedEx driver is a dolt. He knows not what happens when you wake an Imtoocutus up! All the same he went back to his truck to crack open another beer, started driving down the street, and from behind him he hears, “Where we goin? How we getting there? Are we there yet?” Followed by about 1000 other questions. Imtoocutus was right behind him, and he still didn’t learn his lesson!
Leaving Imtoocutus on the side of the road had been too easy! It was quarter past dawn... All the Evils’s, still a-bed, All the OTHER Evils’s, still a-snooze When he cracked open a package of cheese snaps he stole the words rang out loud and clear, “Can I have one? Are those good? Where did you get those? For the simpleton FedEx Driver still had his stow away near!
Three thousand feet further, his stow away gets thrown out, he rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it! "I hope I finally lost that twit!" he was FedEx Driver-ish-ly humming. "They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming! They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do! Their mouths will hang open a minute or two and as for Imtoocutus, just say BooHoo!"
"BooHoo?” the FedEx driver heard from Imtoocutus’s mouth, "Where we going? Who are you? Why we driving away from my house?" The reaction of abstract from the FedEx Drivers almost made him crash the smelly old truck. “Hey can you stop here? Oh stop and buy me one of those? Can you take me there next?” Kept trailing out this night is starting to suck!
The FedEx Driver spun round and headed back to the house. “I am going to break that door down again and tie you to the couch!” The plan was being ruined and worse should he hear, the sound from the house was happy! It wasn’t the sound of sad that the FedEx Driver had hoped for at all. In the doorway stood a man, not to short, not too tall!
“I found all your gifts as I was driving down the road, I picked them all up and brought them to you for it was on the way,” came from the door. The moan of the FedEx Driver was drowned out by the whining and non stop babble of Imtoocutus sitting behind him.
Every Evils’s over in Evils’s-Ville, the tall and the small, Was singing! Since the got their presents and all! He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME! Now he is stuck with a ranting Evils’s Dame!!!
And the FedEx Driver, with his FedEx Driver-feet ice-cold in the snow, Stood puzzling and puzzling: "Where we going next? Why are you standing in the snow? Is it cold?" He threw Imtoocutus towards the door and he ran to his truck, slammed the door behind him and sped off for luck!
And what happened then...? Well...in Evils’s-Ville they say that the FedEx Driver's small dick shrank three sizes smaller from standing in the snow! And the minute his ugly FedEx Pants didn't feel quite so tight, He whizzed with his truck through the bright morning light screaming “Fuck you Evils’s I’ll get you next year!”
Behind him came the little nagging voice, “You know you shouldn't swear? Why do you have such a potty mouth? Don’t you know any better? My daddy always says ...”
You're a monster, from FedEx. Your head’s an empty hole.
Your shoes are full of tacks, you're a brainless blood fart.
Mr. FedEx Driver.
Oh and now you expect US to come pick up Imtoocutus … RIGHT ;8o)

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2007 - Part 1

A Note About this Repost from the Madman Behind the Curtain - So when I started the finale to the 2007 Christmas Countdown I was back on planet earth in more ways than one. I don't think I even got 100 hits, mostly do to my own giving up writing most of the year, and party because I didn't promote myself anymore. The other problem, which became the subject of the finale was that my entire Christmas was turned on its head when Fed-Ex had created chaos for me with all the gifts I had ordered. They lost them, then they kept delivering them to the wrong houses, and their "tough shit" attitude about it all was giving me ulcers. I had just gotten done with the toughest few months of my life as I dealt with my father and his "illnesses" and couldn't handle the extra burden at all, so this was how I poked a bit of fun on the whole thing .. Jeremy
Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2007 - How the Fed-Ex Driver Stole Christmas - Part 1 - {December 22, 2007}
Every Evil’s over in Evil’s-ville liked Christmas a lot... But the FedEx Driver, who lived just north of Evils’s-Ville, did NOT!
The FedEx Driver hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be that his back hurt from carrying the crap. It could be, perhaps, that his extra work interferes with his nap. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that his dick was two sizes too small.
But, whatever the reason, the crap or lack of nap, He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Evils’s, staring up from his truck with a yawn, FedEx Drivery frown at the warm lighted windows across the snow covered lawn. For he knew all the Evils’s down in Evils’s-Ville over there was busy now, running around like lunatics because they had not a care.
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer, "Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!" Then he growled, with his FedEx Driver fingers nervously drumming, "I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!" For, tomorrow, he knew... all the Evils’s in there would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their stuff! And then! Oh, that Crow! That Jeremy Crow! Crow! Crow! Yanno! That's one thing he hated! The Superdaddyman! The Caped Pervader! And especially Jeremy Crow! Then the Evils’s, young and old, would sit down to a feast. And they'd burp! And they'd slurp! And they'd Burpin! Slurpin! Droolin! Yulin!
They would feast on Evils’s-candy, and rare Evils’s-roast beast which was something the FedEx Driver couldn't stand in the least! And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all! Every Evils’s down in Evils’s-Ville, the tall and the small, would start fighting together, with Greektradgedius yelling. They'd grab each other by the throat, and the Evils’s would start bitching!
I didn’t get what I wanted! And they'd Cry, Whine, and Bitch! And the more the FedEx Driver thought of this Evils’s-Christmas-Bitch, The more the FedEx Driver thought, "I must stop this whole thing!" "Why, for fifteen years I've put up with it now!" "I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! ...But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea! THE FEDEX DRIVER GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA! "I know just what to do!" The FedEx Driver laughed in his throat. And he made a quick dash to his truck. And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great FedEx Drivery trick! "I have all their gifts in here, and I don’t give a SHIT!"
"All I need is an excuse..." The FedEx Driver looked around. “I’ll say I delivered the gifts, when nobody was home! They can’t do a thing because nobody intelligent will answer the phone!”
"If they catch on to my ploy, I will tell them I’m off to find them, and leave the gifts in the middle of nowhere hooked to the door of an abandoned cabin!” THEN He loaded some bags and some old empty smelly socks hoisted all of the Evils’s gifts on his rickety old FedEx truck. Then the FedEx Driver said, "Crap I better stop and get beer!" and he drove away quick as he could to a different town, but still near.
All the roads were quite fine, as the plow trucks had been through. “I’ll still put down in the log that a snow storm had blew!” All the Evils’s were all dreaming sweet dreams without care when the FedEx Driver was throwing their gifts out the window, why should he care. "There’s the house they are supposed to be at," the old FedEx Drivery Claus hissed and he climbed to the drive, unzipped his trousers and on their snow covered lawn he then pissed. “That’s about all you little bastards deserve!” as his zipper then pinched. He drew grumpy faces in piss, and crossed that bit off his list! Why do they get off the naughty list? Santa’s head must be wood! But, if Santa won’t do it, then FedEx Driver could. He got stuck in his zipper only once, for a moment or two. It was probably all that beer he was drinking along the way "I should go piss on their porch after a belt more or two!"
Then he slithered and slunk, back to his big smelly truck. He drove down the road again, and he should have gotten stuck. He knocked over mailboxes, but tore out of sight, he threw the last of the packages out the window as he escaped into the night!
Then he slunk to the computer. He entered his data! Delivered at 5:08! Those idiots will never know, and they can’t get an answer! Our switchboard employs the best lingual dancers! He pulled out the DVD player he saved for him self, and loaded porno movies he had stolen as well. You should feel sorry for whoever plans to eat at this table in the break room next! For they are in for a really nasty surprise left behind …
You're a mean one, from FedEx. You really are an ass!
You're as dependable as a crack whore! You're as useful as a sinking wharf. Mr. FedEx Driver.
You're a bad Disney Movie, missing a couple of Dwarfs! … To be continued …