Mental Notes and Random Musings

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2010 - Finale

2011-12-20T03:54:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah, walking through countless feet worth of snow, shackled with a blindfold on is a real treat. We were surrounded by penguins carrying automatic weapons before I had even had the chance to shake the cobwebs off. On a brighter note Santa had had his sleigh equipped with airbags or I'm sure they would have had to scoop me up and dispose of me. Rudolf had gone mental just like Santa had hoped, but the sheer number of penguins had overcome him, and I saw him getting bound up and tied to a sled before they had actually thrown all the chains and the blindfold on me. Santa was no slouch either, I think he had been taking martial arts of some sort, and it ain't pretty watching a seven foot hulk of a man getting all Bruce Lee on twenty or so three foot tall penguins, but alas the sheer numbers did him in as well. As for me, not so much.
I'm happy to say that I wore my stay puft jacket considering my breath was coming out, crystallizing and falling in front of me. It made it hard for me to ask the first few hundred questions, but once I got warmed up I was on a roll, “Why are you evil? How far is it now? Why do I have a blindfold on? How come you don't live somewhere warmer?” and in the beginning I had them right where I wanted them. Well that was until they gagged me as well.
We trudged and we trudged until I was just about at the breaking point of my little legs. What a brilliant idea to just fly off to Antarctica on a moments notice, just to find a heavily armed fortress waiting for us. To be honest I was completely in the dark until I heard a voice that could only be my arch nemesis say, “See! I told you that a gag would work!” and I couldn't even tell him off with the stupid gag in my mouth. Hell I couldn't even use my secondary weapon {a good pinch} with my hands shackled together. Heaven forbid he show any gratitude that I at least TRIED to save his useless butt!
Of course they shackled me to the wall right beside Captain ADHD and I saw the Superdaddyman shackled to the wall on the other side of him. There was no sign of Lazius Boycrazius, and apparently Santa and the reindeer were taken elsewhere. The penguins and their automatic weapons were all around us, in the corner of the room was a rather large pile of batteries, how odd. Penguins came in and out dumping large handfuls of batteries in the pile, and my curiosity didn't last long when Superdaddyman said, “At least we know what happens to all those batteries that die quickly at home,” which had Captain ADHD nodding along. I was still gagged, the bastards!
Captain ADHD took advantage of the silence by talking to himself. You've never seen a person hold more involved conversations with himself than this twelve year old mastermind. Most of the time he seems to be encouraging others to overhear what he is saying, in a passive aggressive sort of way, and this time was no different. Of course I was too busy trying to work the gag away from my mouth with my tongue to take too much notice but something he mumbled got the attention of the penguins really fast. “Of course those weapons they are carrying are super secret government issue, and rumor has it that military and various unsavory Chicago thugs get their hands on them,” Don't ask me how he knows these things, but let's just say he does a lot of internet research on things the average twelve year old doesn't.
Penguins went scurrying about the second he said that, and within a few minutes a larger than normal {meaning about three feet tall} penguin came walking in and smacked Captain ADHD across the face. After pulling out a step ladder of course, because despite the Captain's slightly smaller size he is still a giant as compared to the average penguin. The penguin then jumped off the ladder just as Captain ADHD seemingly kicked it out from under his feet, “What do you know kid?” the penguin lashed out at him. Take it from me, that was a stupid question.
“I know that you all seem to be rather well stocked, and my best guess would be that a certain evil bastard with bulging eyes and a lack of Christmas appreciation, is probably behind it,” the Captain said in a bit of a mumble which means his passive-aggressive skills are being sharpened as we speak. This of course brought the step ladder back, and another smack across his face. I of course had just about worked the gag out of my mouth, and was about to say the name, that he was eluding too. After all I had fallen prey to one of this evil doers plots in the past, although it was nice to be respected as a queen. It only fits my adorable personality. Of course the penguin put in charge of watching me firmly reattached the gag before I could quite get it off my mouth.
Of course around the corner and into the cell walked the Ghost of Easter past walked into the cell, and he didn't need a step ladder to walk over and smack Captain ADHD. “You are a shrewd one, but keep in mind that you are MY prisoner at the moment,” Rahm Emanuel said to Captain ADHD. “You've been very active keeping my bid to take over Chicago, and I had to do something about that didn't I?”
Captain ADHD spit blood into Rahm's face and said, “You haven't seen anything yet, you freak! You don't think I haven't taken steps to make sure the chaos ensues even if I am away from the computer?” which is no idle threat, trust me I've seen this kid at work, “Tomorrow every major newspaper in the country will receive expertly Photoshopped images of you and a goat in lingerie!” which bought him another smack across his face, but Rahm was done with him for the moment, as he turned to look at me.
“As for you Ms. Toocutus, you should have listened to your brother and gotten the six gallons of gasoline, 3 balls of yarn, eighteen number two pencils, a jar of pickles, and two brass thimbles, when you had the chance, but you didn't!” he let out a fiendish laugh that didn't scare me of course. Lack of mortality sense is an advantage of a ten year old girl after all. “That's the one thing I have going for me, is that you are to busy yammering away to listen to any good advice,” and what the hell did he expect? That's also the character traits of a ten year old girl!
Little did Rahm know that my greates super power couldn't be quelled for long. Actually ask around and you will know that NOBODY can keep my quiet for this long, unless of course it brings some advantage to me! Using nothing more than sheer mental force the gag ripped away from my mouth, and I used my super ability to evil quite proper! “Why did you kidnap us? Does the president know you are here? Why do your eyes bulge out like that when you are angry? How come you are turning red? Why do you think the penguins will be able to stop us? Didn't your mother hug you as a baby? Why are you evil? Where is my sister?”
The stream of useless non stop questions that left my mouth beguiled him and before he knew it he was taken in by my spell, and worse yet, he started answering my questions mindlessly, “Because I need you fools put away so I can take over the world through Chicago .. Of course he doesn't, he only knows what I tell him .. I don't know .. Screw you .. Because they are evil like me .. NO .. Chicago …... I don't know!” and with that last answer I had him!
My super fast evil mind knew that he had let the cat out of the bag! The president only knows what he tells him, and the president had told me that the penguins had my sister. Rahm doesn't know where she is. Instantaneously I knew what I had to do! I scrunched my face up as tight as I could and started screaming like I had fallen on a pile of broken glass, “LA LA LA LAZIUS .. LAZIUS BOYCRAZIUS!!!!” I screamed out with everything I had, huge crocodile tears flying everywhere. Rahm just looked at me all bemused, as if he thought what I was doing was simply senseless.
“HA!” he cried out into the night sky. “Now you know the real reason I have brought you fools down here! Even your voice can't penetrate the frozen air of the South Pole! I even made sure that we placed sound barriers all around the continent to muffle what little ..” THUMP!
The sound of Lazius Boycrazius's voice after Rahm {smack dab in the middle of his rant} took a near fatal blow to the back of his head, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY LITTLE SISTER BITCH!” shot out almost as loud as my own. Where do you think I get it from? I simply perfected the process.
Penguins came flying out of nowhere trying to subdue the rampaging eighteen year old criminal mastermind as she started throwing hay-makers all around. Her new boyfriend Importeus Boycrazius sauntered into the room with a scared look on his face, “I guess I vil vait in ze cah,”
Lazius Boycrazius stopped long enough to look at him and say, “That's great baby, can you just untie Santa in the next igloo, I should only be a minute,” to which he nodded and got out of there. I don't think the average boy wants to watch his girlfriend getting all super bad ass on a gang of penguins after all. She then continued smashing, throttling, and smacking skulls. It was turning into a bloody mess when she stopped and looked at the big penguin laying in a crumpled heap, and yelled down to him, “and you a-holes are going to buy me a new pair of boots cuz you got your blood all over them,” and then kicked him for good measure. Santa came running in at this point with a royally pissed off Rudolf standing next to him with at least eleven penguins impaled on his antlers. I had a faint feeling of deja vu as Rudolf urinated on Rahm Emanuel's head.
I can see how Santa get's all those toys on his sleigh, as the pile of penguins, and a rather lethargic wanna be gangster were all loaded up in the back. Lazius Boycrazius and Importeus Boycrazius both got back in his car and she spit on the pile as they drove off. I'll have to remember to ask her later how they managed to drive out here, intermixed in about seven hundred other hugely important questions that have been eating away at me for hours at least. Santa looked at us all and said, “Everyone get in the sleigh, I barely have time to get you back, drop these clowns off at the Megalopolis penitentiary, and get all the the toys out to the good boys and girls,” he scratched his beard while we filed in, “fortunately that list gets shorter and shorter every year.”
With a lashing of his whip and a thundering of hoofs the sleigh went flying into the night sky. I looked back quiet for a change feeling that somehow it went too easily in the end and thus we must have forgotten something. I went through a mental checklist as I noticed one of my favorite socks in the pile of mismatched socks. The remote to my Barbie VCR must be in that other pile, and lord only knows how many of those batteries were mine. In the end, I was just happy that Christmas is on the way again, and I have plenty of people to hug and squeeze and love and hold and name them George and Georgette! Santa was shouting out Ho Ho Ho into the sky, and it seemed to fit the scene. Even if I won't remember any of this in another four years. Ignorance is bliss. ;8o)
Meanwhile back in Antarctica a strange sound comes from one of the lone igloos in the middle of the continent. It sounds a lot like Christmas carols sung off key and with a lot of the words changed around. Of course there is nobody around to hear them. The evils's all being gone, Santa and his reindeer having already dropped them off {after a stopping at Walmart to get popcorn for Imtoocutus who had found something to nag about that she had forgotten between the “are we there yet” and “I have to pee”} and was heading north to fill his sleigh and rush around the globe. “You better not spit, you stupid little #$%*, you better not bite, you ain't that cute tonight! Superdaddyman's still chained to this wall …..”

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2010 - Part 2

2011-12-20T03:52:00.000-05:00

Now don't get me wrong. I did find this whole scenario kinda strange, but I live with a bunch of characters as it is, and I have learned that anytime I try to assume that things are normal they get stranger. It's not like I don't ask a million questions a day {hey I'm ten and a girl, it's part of the job} and I already had a million just walking out the door. The jolly fat man in the red suit didn't look so jolly, and don't get me started on the gang of biker rejects pulling the sleigh. I was about to throw the first question out there when Santa said, “Look we're pressed for time here, and I already know what you are going to say. That's the advantage of keeping the list and checking it twice,” he chuckled at his own joke and continued, “There will be plenty of time for questions when you get in the sleigh,” and with that I hopped in. “I haven't seen you in four years, good to see they let you live this long,” he then said as he swatted at the reins.
I was thinking “Ha Ha” at this point, but the grave nature of the task at hand was still weighing heavily on me. It's not like I actually remember meeting Santa, or heading off to the South Pole before. I did finally say, “So what are we supposed to do when we get down there? I don't have many recollections of the last time I was at the South Pole,” and I left it at that. I mean he would have to realize sooner or later that we're talking about half my life ago anyway.
Santa looked at me and said, “Well I don't know really. We're going to have to go down there and kick some serious penguin butt. That was kinda the plan that the Superdaddyman used when he rescued me,” he swatted at the reins again and the already pissed off looking reindeer turned around and looked at him. “Of course after Superdaddyman failed miserably Rudolf showed up and went all medieval on their sorry asses. Since he still doesn't like them very much, I'm hoping we can just start with that plan and save ourselves a lot of trouble.”
This made sense to me anyway, but of course there was that lingering feeling that it couldn't possibly be that easy. After all I have read enough of Superdaddyman's delusional tales to know that it NEVER goes that easily, and worse yet if I'm not mistaken this is only the second part of the tale, which means there will be a lot of awkward fill before we can get to the whooping of penguin butt anyway. All in all, I am happy to know that we will be taking on criminal masterminds that are at the very least shorter than I am. Of course in the interest of being honest I did throw out there, “I can see kidnapping Superdaddyman, because he'd fall for almost anything, as long as you stroke his ego, but aren't you a bit worried that these guys had the speed and mental skills to capture Captain ADHD?” then I thought about it for another moment, “Or worse yet the sheer force to kidnap Lazius Boycrazius?”
Santa laughed, “Oh NEVER underestimate the diabolical evil of the penguins!” and at that Rudolf {or was it Dancer?} snorted in agreement, “It's not easy to coordinate the efforts to sneak into every home on earth and steal socks. Then to go back and get the remote controls, while at the same time jacking up the volume on every car stereo!” he then stroked his beard as if he was thinking, “Technically speaking, what I do every year is child's play compared to the amount of sheer evil that they can accomplish on a 365 day basis!” and as I thought of this he had a point. Drawers full of mismatched socks and a fortune in replacement remotes alone is the type of chaos liberal activists try and fail at on a weekly basis.
“So why do you need me?” I piped up. I mean aside from being absolutely adorable and able to get away with almost everything I do, I can't see what much use I will be in this endeavor. Aside from telling the tale, while the others are held captive I can't really see what else I am to do.
Santa sure knew how to make a girl feel good about herself, let me tell ya, when he said, “I don't actually know. I thought you would be a real pain in the rear, but Rahm Emanuel insisted that we take you along, and I'm not really comfortable with pissing that guy off. You ever woken up next to a reindeer head?” Santa shivered at that statement. I had an idea what he was talking about there since the “rabbit hole” incident. As a matter of fact I have been meaning to get even with Rahm for that whole ordeal, but I haven't come up with the money for the six gallons of gasoline, 3 balls of yarn, eighteen number two pencils, a jar of pickles, and two brass thimbles my stupid brother says I need to get even properly {don't ask} and have had to put it on hold for now. This can't be very good.
“I definitely understand,” I finally said to Santa, “That guy can kill you with his creepy eyes alone!”
Santa gave another shudder and said, “I'm just thankful he's Jewish because the things he would have done to me for his yearly lump of coal. Not that I don't have to worry about a lot of evil lil bastards in Chicago as it is,” which on that note gave an extra sharp snap of the reigns. Rudolf turned his head and spit at him.
At this moment a strange noise came out of the front of the sleigh. A ringing sound and I could hear a groan from my escort as he reached up under the sleigh's footfalls to pull out the receiver of a red phone. Oh boy, this can't be good, or at the very least coherent. “You know you shouldn't call me when I'm driving,” he said into the receiver. He covered the mouthpiece and then said to me, “That stupid humming of the teleprompter every time he talks gets on my last nerve,” and I had one of my questions answered without even asking it, “Look sir, I need to hand you over to Imtoocutus so I can drive .. Imtoocutus, the one you sent me to pick up .. No sir he's been kidnapped and can't rescue himself, you were talking to Imtoocutus .. The one I picked … UGH .. Here you talk to him,” and with that he handed me the phone.
“.. Let me be clear. I need a sack of White Castle here. The first lady has me on a new diet, and the light cigarettes alone are making me hungry for some White Castle ..” and I pulled the phone away from my ear. After a few seconds I put it back, “.. I refuse to be held hostage by the Republicans not letting me have White Castle,” and after I looked back at Santa he shrugged at me.
I listened {off and on} to another twenty minutes of “White Castle” and at least twenty minutes of “McDonald's” and then something about “Kraft Macaroni & Cheese” but I was really starting to lose consciousness at that point. Santa was getting pretty sick of me turning from the phone and asking a perfectly legitimate question every few minutes .. “Are we there yet?” and he even got to the point of yelling at me, “WHEN I WAS A BOY, WE NEVER GOT THERE .. AND WE LIKED IT!” which disrupted the president long enough to change back from “Kraft Macaroni & Cheese” to a story about the longest trip he ever took to get to a White Castle!
Finally as if it had been weeks since I had seen land we could see off in the distance a great white mass of land. Yep, that would have to be Antarctica, and I could feel my sigh of relief as I was sick of looking at nothing but ocean for the last few hours. Listening to tales of all the crap Obama would eat if his wife would let him hasn't helped either. Santa placed his hand on my shoulder and said, “Better buckle up, there's no way the penguins will leave this place undefended like last time,” and what the hell was that supposed to mean? I didn't have to wait long to find out either as big turrets started lifting out of the ice like a really corny scene from one of the Terminator movies. As corny as it was six surface to air missiles being launched at you isn't as exciting as it sounds.
There was a red glow that came out of the front of the sleigh now as a flashing “evasive maneuvers” light came on. What the hell does Santa need a red alert notification system on his sleigh for? Of course as if he had read my mind Santa shouted out over the hiss of passing missiles, “There are still lots of Christians in Lebanon and Israel!” but that was lost in the mire of eight jets crossing the horizon and flying strait at us. Holy Moses these penguins are serious!
The first pass by revealed that all I could see in the cockpits were the very tops of little black heads. As they passed by the second time they unleashed everything they had, and let me tell you, I for one was rather shocked at how fast and maneuverable a sleigh pulled by reindeer's can be! Unfortunately it couldn't last forever, as we felt the jolt of one the back end of the sleigh tearing apart from the gunfire of one of the jets, and a fast dive from the sky and strait towards the ice below. You have no clue the speed from up to down in a crisis situation but even if I used the bad words Santa was shouting the whole way down I wouldn't have had the time to think them up before the sleigh and reindeer went thumping into the ground .. To be continued

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2010 - Part 1

2011-12-20T03:51:00.000-05:00

I grew up hearing the tales of a far off land, where mountains of mismatched socks, and huge piles of lost remote controls. I had heard once or twice that I had been involved in a great quest to rescue Santa Claus from this very location, way down south. Way WAY down south, where the Superdaddyman had always believed that the evil penguins live. Now mind you, I may be young, but I don't buy into all that hype about how those cute little penguins in the Linux promos can be as evil as I hear, and quite frankly I was just a little too young to remember, or even buy that whole story about the “Battle to Save Christmas” so I just smile and let my dad {who I know is the Superdaddyman, but it's better to let him have the fantasy and act cute} sell his stories to the public.
While on that tale, let me say, that despite all the talk of how the Superdaddyman is my arch-nemesis, nothing could be further from the truth. I mean puh-leze I am just a ten year old girl, despite my evil genius, so like most things I just want to hug him and squeeze him and love him and hold him and name him George! Wouldn't you? Of course it is a quiet day here at the Casa-Di-Evils's and that alone makes me extra loveable, in a “wish I had someone to pester” sort of way. I think at the very least nobody in their right mind {oh look who I'm talking about and that statement seems kinda silly} would leave a ten year old girl with the ability to get away with anything, alone. Of course it's not like I am that idiot Captain ADHD {want to hug him and squeeze him and love him and hold him and name him George!} who you can't trust to NOT build some super secret and dangerous spy equipment on the roof to try and extort a Meeeeeeellliiiiioooooonnnn dollars from the world, the second you leave him alone, but I can hold my own! This is definitely odd indeed.
Now back to my second favorite subject {next to everyone else's business} which would be ME! You see I happen to be concerned about Christmas this year. After sending my three hundred page annotated list of demands to Santa Claus I had remembered a few things that I had forgotten. Don't you hate it when that happens? I was just about to sit down to deal with this oversight, and perhaps add a few hundred more things that were at best trivial, but all the same very important to me. The little things like bracelets {and NOT those stupid Disney Princess ones .. UGH} socks, and a jacket that doesn't make me feel like a snow ball. I give these people an A for effort, but they are woefully inept when it comes to outfitting evil genius such as mine! Um .. in a cute sort of way, of course.
That was when the idea hit me! POPCORN! Everything is better when you are eating popcorn! Off I went to the cupboard leaving the unfinished secret communique between myself and Santa, to find to my great horror, that there was no Orville Redenbaucher happiness in a bag! Now we have a problem that the lack of adult supervision finally revealed a glaring hole in my life! Who in the name of God am I supposed to walk around behind nagging .. um .. encouraging to get me more microwave popcorn! I should have seen the obvious lack of father and siblings as the true horror that it was, instead of waking up and jumping up and down on everything like I had. Hey! I'm only ten here, make up your own unsupervised nirvana ok? This was when I heard the noise coming from that place I hear stories of called “The Superdaddycave,” and realized that there was an opportunity to be nosey.
Using that super speed I was born with {yet refuse to use in front of anyone in fear that they might expect me to use it to do something} I was in the control center of the Superdaddycave and staring at the most curious red phone, in the center of the desk ringing. Funny how I had never noticed it there before? Something about that red phone and it's lack of buttons, kinda made me thing that it had “hands off” written all over it, so I picked it up and answered it. Hello? I'm ten and a girl remember?
I didn't even say anything yet when this strange hum came over the phone, so I was a bit intimidated by it up until a voice finally came out of the hum, “Hello, Superdaddyman, this is the Obama,” I didn't even have time to point out that I wasn't the Superdaddyman before he continued in the same actor-ish manner like he was reading from a script and didn't want to be interrupted. Oh is he in for it if he doesn't like interruptions, “You see we have a crisis that is of the utmost national interest,” I again tried to throw in that I wasn't the Superdaddyman but again he just talked right over me. I've heard about people like this, “Let me be clear. It appears that the penguins are back at it again and they have kidnapped the Superdaddyman, Lazius Boycrazius, and Captain ADHD, and even though you are kidnapped I will need you to go strait down to the South pole and rescue them,” and what the heck do you say to such an idiotic statement? Nothing of course because he didn't give me a chance, “I have called in a few favors and procured a couple of our operatives, who you have worked well with in the past to swing by and pick you up, so that you can go and rescue yourself from the penguins and hopefully get back in time for Christmas. This is of the utmost importance because I hear the holidays can be rather busy for not only yourself but the operative I have picked for this mission,” I wasn't even able to get out that I wasn't the Superdaddyman, or how if I was I could rescue myself when he finished up his talk, “They will be there to pick you up as soon as possible, and America thanks you for your service.”
When the humming stopped I finally said “But I'm not the Superdaddyman,” and knew it wasn't heard by the abrupt hang up that followed it. I took this opportunity to raise the level of irony by talking to myself out loud. Of course some would say that I don't need to have irony to talk to myself, but they are lying and wouldn't know cute if it fell out of the sky and crushed them, “So the Superdaddyman was telling the truth about the penguins down at the south pole,” I thought for a minute on that statement and then audibly uttered, “Maybe I shouldn't go down there and save him because then I would have to admit it!”
That was silly after all because even at my age I understand that a call from the president means that you have to respect the office. Lord only knows what I am supposed to do to save my idiot father and my idiot siblings {who I want to hug and squeeze and love and hold and name them George and Georgette!} but maybe whoever it is coming to pick me up will have some ideas. I just hope they have a boat because my teacher explained the south pole to me and you can't get there in the Superdaddymobile, that's for sure. I thought to myself that I better get ready {without popcorn!} and wait by the front door.
Bundled up warm in one of those stupid jackets that makes me feel like a gigantic mushroom, I waited for several minutes {you know .. forever!} wondering when whoever would be getting here. Snow was lightly falling but not accumulating very much on the lawn. This of course was the time I heard faint bells that appeared to be growing louder and louder and louder, until I heard a spilt second before I saw the great thud on the yard. This great thud came from eight enormous reindeer pulling a big sleigh with a larger than life fat guy in a red suit. The krinkled eyes from behind all that beard looked at me through the window in the door and with that he started waving me out to join him. The only thing I could think of was that all those Santa Claus' laps I had sat on all these years were nothing compared to the representation of this seven foot tall giant all dressed in red and in his own way looking kinda bad ass, and the gigundous reindeer standing at the front of the sleigh with the red nose and all the tattoos. Yeah I think we can kick some penguin butt … To be continued

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2009 - Finale

2011-12-19T03:34:00.001-05:00

A Note About this Repost from the Madman Behind the Curtain - I told you before I loved this story, but part 3 left me with a bit of a quandary. The sweet ending involves someone who is no longer in the picture, who had since broken my little girl's heart. What was I to do with this? Drag up sad memories? Change it to someone else? Kill the person in a humiliating way that can be laughed about from here to eternity? I guess you'll just have to read it and find out! You can see the original un-edited version of this HERE .. Jeremy
Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2009 - Lazius Boycrazius' Miracle on 34th Street - Part 3 - {December 24, 2009}
This is where it gets a bit sketchy for me as the days barreled along. When I was younger Christmas would never come, but every year Christmas sneaks up on me more often as I get older. TAFAKK was finding himself more and more bogged down with the company shrink at Macy's who never could seem to live and let live. The Macy's corporation was thrilled with the huge sales that they were having at the store, and the egghead do-nothing psychiatrist that the ACLU lawyers forced on them was preoccupied with TAKAKK's insistence that he was Kris Kringle. I have to tell you that there are two types of crazy in this world and TAFAKK was definitely the lesser of both. I would say that I couldn't tolerate the know it all shrink for 3 minutes if I had to see him everyday.
He finally did it though when The Superdaddyman went to pick up Kris Kringle after work on the twentieth of December. Imtoocutus went along with him, and the two of them were in the lobby waiting for him to get out of another one of those infernal mental sessions. I heard about it all second hand, and I was shocked about it after the fact. The shrink came walking out yelling at TAFAKK about how Santa Claus doesn't exist and that is why he wasn't Santa Claus. Imtoocutus never being one to stay out of a fight or anyone's business started badgering the Psychiatrist about TAFAKK being the actual Santa Claus, until the shrink looked right at her and said, “Little girl it's unhealthy for you to be involved with such fantasy, and why don't you just grow up!”
Imtoocutus of course saw the opportunity to wreak real havoc on what was already a bad situation, and started bawling her eyes out. The Superdaddyman wasn't about to put up with this and went charging across the room only to get there a few seconds to late. It appears that Jolly Ol' Saint Nick could throw a mean roundhouse himself, and to make a long story short the shrink had 911 on the phone and TAFAKK in a paddy wagon faster than you could say “crybaby.” This meant that when Superdaddyman had come home from the police station, where bail was denied, he was not in a very happy mood. For that matter I wasn't in a happy mood either, since I couldn't see why anyone would create a situation like that stupid head shrinker did, but I was assured that he was fired that night, broken nose and all. This still couldn't end well as The Superdaddyman was ripping through internet sites looking for a way to get a legal degree overnight and represent TAFAKK in court the next day. I couldn't let this happen to either of them.
I spent the night running through Facebook, Myspace, Twitter and every other viral medium that I had at my disposal. I had created such a commotion in the chat rooms and message boards, that I think most of the organized free world was ready to defend Santa Claus against the secular legal system and while I was at it I made sure Dr. Egghead would never get a job again!Sure I wasn't all that keen on TAFAKK and his quest to be known as Santa Claus but at the same time I had made my belief known that he was a “good crazy” as apposed the the Kim Jong Il style crazy the shrink wanted everyone to think he was. One of my legal eagle friends had come up with a plot that was pure genius and all I had to do was get The Superdaddyman to leave me in charge of the witness list. As always I was in luck as he was still racking his brain trying to figure out the whole issue of how to recover the password he had just created a half hour ago to Duey Sooem and Howe's website.
It was a long weekend unfortunately and by the end of it TAFAKK was completely defeated. When I saw him in the courtroom he had the look of “Bubba's Bitch” all over his face, and was completely dejected. I ran over to give him a hug and there was no cheer in his face. My heart was breaking at the very sight of him, and what could I do to get him out of this state, and back to making Christmas a reality for all of the children that he had helped over the last month. He didn't say anything, and the shrink and the District Attorney were making a show trial out of a simple arraignment. The judge didn't look amused by the whole show dedicated to whether or not there actually was a Santa Claus or not. Myself, I could see his point. Who in their right mind would want to face the electorate after just ruling on whether or not there was a Santa Claus? I was starting to think that should I pull this off, I could save two souls today.
TAFAKK refused his invitation by the prosecution to take the stand and defend himself. This made the shrink feel rather smug, but it reflected heavy in the face of TAFAKK who just sat there looking completely dejected. I really couldn't blame him. The full weight of the city of Megalopolis was being thrown down on top of his head to determine if he was a crazy old fraud or not, and as he had muttered to me earlier, without those that believe in him, he lost the war. It was hard to not feel his pain, and in a way I really did wish that he was Santa Claus. Wouldn't you?
The prosecution rested feeling pretty good about themselves. In reality it was just the one witness, on behalf of the the prosecution and another that was there rather unwillingly. The shrink under no doubt, exclaimed how there is no Santa Claus, and that that meant TAFAKK was definitely not Santa Claus. The other was the manager of Macy's who sweated his way through a pile of badly framed questions, and then the Superdaddyman in his one fit of brilliance asked him the one question they had avoided, “Do you believe in Santa Claus?”
The entire courtroom had gotten quiet, as the manager of Macy's himself sat there fumbling through what obviously was a horrible situation for him. On the one hand, he could lie in court, and ruin his chance at freedom thanks to the whole perjury thing or he could tell the truth {or at least what I perceived as the truth} and have the entire shopping world consider him to have no faith in the man he had been using to create the greatest sales in the history of the store. I don't think anyone faced with such great peril could have gotten such a broad smile on his face when he stood up and proclaimed, “Of course I believe in Santa Claus! He's sitting right there!” and with great bravado he pointed at TAFAKK who looked up at him with a tear in his eye, and some of the color coming back into his face. The Superdaddyman had somehow lucked into breaking apart at least half of the prosecutions case. It was up to me to sink it all together.
The judge called The Superdaddyman up to the bench to present his witness list, and he resigned the obligation to me. I stood up and started dragging the several Staples Boxes that we had brought in with us. I handed a note to TAFAKK as I walked by that I had scribbled in the last few minutes as I saw the light almost come back into his face. I don't know if I really meant what I had wrote in it or not, but it seemed like the right thing to do. The judge looked down to see the 250 pounds of paper that I was, with great effort, trying to drag up to the bench with me, and then spoke up, “Young lady, how many witnesses do you plan on calling?” and after I had affirmed that it would be roughly 19 million, he then spoke out, “You do realize that every one of them has to be present since this is just an arraignment?”
I stopped screwing up my back and stretched up a bit to reply. “Your honor, they are all here,” and with that I pointed out the window. The judge who hadn't once looked out the window, turned really quickly to see that the “rent a mob” plan that I had executed the night before worked like a charm. He was staring out at every square foot of Megalopolis being filled elbow to elbow with at the very LEAST 19 million people holding up signs, ranging from “Free Santa” to “Leave My Santa Alone” and he turned back to me with a look of horror on his face. “Every last one of them is looking forward to taking the stand, and defending Kris Kringle as being THE Santa Claus and not just that there is a Santa Claus.”
TAFAKK looked up again with a little more light in his eyes, and then slowly opened the note I had handed to him which had inscribed on it, “I believe in you” and he stood up shouting “I have presents to deliver tonight!”
The judge took another look out the window and then back at Kris Kringle sitting before him. He waved his head back and forth a bit and then said, “Yes you do my friend,” and slammed the gavel down on the desk before stating “Case Dismissed” which echoed all the way to the crowd outside who let out a gigantic cheer that told the world Megalopolis that Christmas Eve was the largest city on Planet Earth! I quickly gave Kris a hug and started walking him outside to meet his adoring fans.
The news crews were everywhere and holding microphones up in his face as the millions upon millions that flooded the streets chanted “Santa Rocks! Santa Rocks!” which only died down when he held up his arms to silence everyone on the streets. He spoke into the PA system that was set up so all the news crews could get him at once, “I love you all, but tomorrow is Christmas! We all have a lot of work to do or children around the world will wake up to just another day! Christmas is NEVER just another day!” and the crowd went wild, but at the same time everyone in a very orderly fashion started filing out of the streets to enact upon the Santa Doctrine as it had been laid out by the big guy himself.
Kris had departed soon after that. He, of course had a ton of work to do if you really believed that he was old father Christmas, which I was still quite skeptical about. As I was sitting in the living room with all the evils's finishing off their gifts and proceeding to break all of them I noted that my mother had not called yet. Sure she was useless but the one thing I could count on was her waiting around before calling us so that she could act put upon because we didn't call her first. You can't explain to some people the difference between parents and kids, but I figured it out a long time ago. It's the other two that I get really upset for. Later that day when the phone rang and it was our mother, full of lies, full of excuses, and unapologetic about it all, I knew then that what I had asked of Kris Kringle was impossible, and perhaps a bit unfair. I knew that all along anyway. Still I like to think I learned a little something about human nature and decency, and I should appreciate that anyway.
This was when Superdaddyman handed me a note. He explained to me that Kris Kringle wanted him to give it to me after my mother called. I was at least happy that Kris didn't completely forget me, but it wasn't all that joyful. Of course like any card I opened it and shook it hoping money would fall out. RATS, no money, but there was a note which read, “Lazius Boycrazius, I didn't want to tell you the dirty little secret of being Santa Claus. I think you helped me prove it even if you didn't realize it. I can't change any 'person' unless they actually want to change,” I looked away from the note for a minute because I could feel the tears starting to well up. I didn't really want to hear that, because he had given me hope in the end. I continued on, “That doesn't mean I can't change the people that really want to. With that I must ask you to go and open the front door.”
I looked at the note again, and couldn't grasp why he wanted me to go to the front door, but Captain ADHD who was reading the note over my shoulder told me that I should go open the front door. Just to shut him up more than anything I walked over to the front door thinking to myself that this was stupid, and ripped the door open dramatically to make a statement, and found myself staring at Bohemian Boycrazius, Mainey Boycrazius, and my Aunt Bradybunchious Marriedus all dressed to the nines and waving tickets to a Trans-Siberian Orchestra show. Auntie Bradybunchius piped right up, "Some fat guy in a red suit showed up and gave me this flying sleigh so I figured I'd take my two favoritest nieces out for some girly time!" and I started jumping up and down.
Of course Mainey had to pipe right up, "Yeah cuz boys are stupid!" ;8o)

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2009 - Part 2

2011-12-19T03:31:00.004-05:00

Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2009 - Lazius Boycrazius' Miracle on 34th Street - Part 2 - {December 23, 2009}
It was an unusually long ride home. Between the screaming mini evils's and the new “guest” that the bleeding hearted Superdaddyman had agreed to let stay with us until Christmas eve, the Superdaddymobile was crammed. So now apparently the artist known as Kris Kringle {TAKAKK} is homeless. Who would have seen that coming, but oh noooo. We get to bring him home with us. I can't even fathom what he was thinking on this one, and that is saying something after 13 years of analyzing the Superdaddybrain! Perhaps he is hoping that Mr Thinkshe'sSantaClaus is THAT type of whacko and will finish us all off? I don't know and I don't care I at the very least had installed that Brinks system thanks to a raging case of creepy little brother and creepier little sister. I may just never come out of my cell!
Now of course perhaps he is bringing the Jolly Old Elf home to show the world that he could potentially have someone older than Greektradgedius Inyiddish in the house, or worse yet he is executing a hook up! I may never be able to get that image out of my head and I blame the Daddyman full on! The boy genius is still raving on about how he gets to share his room with Santa Claus. I couldn't even heal my hands with all the smacking around he truly needs. TAKAKK is doing the whole making his list and checking it twice thing. You'd think a guy dressed in red with an army of 3 foot tall slaves could get his own place for the next month, but then again I could always be out of that loop.
As I suspected Greektradgedius Inyiddish and TAKAKK got along famously. The fact that they remember the whole “Jesus on the Cross” thing might make Christmas a little more of a reminiscent holiday for them who knows? I held back from asking them the “Did George Washington actually get a spanking for chopping down the cherry tree?” question that had entered my mind and decided to retire to my cell. This is my happy place, since I can execute top secret communications {and then post them to Myspace and Facebook} and try to get a grasp on what is really going on with that TAKAKK guy.
The very next day was all it took for my little world to be wrecked up again, as I got a phone call from the Superdaddyman. He was prattling on about needing me to go out to Macy's and deal with issues for him because he was busy. I'm all for getting out of school and that, but what does going to Macy's have to do with anything and why is it his, or my problem? Ok never mind I forgot who I was talking too, and simply gathered up my gear to head into Macy's and check on a problem that probably involved a big crazy man that thinks he's Santa Claus. Never mind that I have no license, or that I am still a minor. Just run over to Macy's and deal with a whack job other than my jailor, does that sound sensible? Yeah I didn't think so either, but again it gets me out of school.
Macy's was a zoo! The line going around the corner was all on it's way to TAKAKK and he wasn't sitting on his throne up front. I thought I was going to have to bust ugly all over some of these single moms who were trying to accuse me of cutting in line. “Do I look like I desperately have to see Santa lady? Did you notice I forgot my kids? As a matter of fact I forgot to have them all together!” I refrained from telling her that if I were her I would have lived by my example, but I didn't have time to beat her behind and get to the bottom of this, and then get back to school for the cute teachers later in the day. My sacrifices are never taken into account now are they?
There was TAKAKK arguing with the store manager, and a few employees. All of them were telling him the way they saw things, and he was ignoring them and stating his own views. He seems to be every bit as stubborn as the Superdaddyman, which solves one of those questions I had had. The manager was just ranting at him, “You can't tell the customers to shop at other stores!” and then he reloaded, “It's your job to steer customers to OUR items for sale, what is wrong with you!” and I must admit that the conversation seemed rather sensible even if I was walking into it rather late.
“No you see that is where you are wrong sir!” came a booming voice from what was just yesterday a very kindly man with whiskers, “Christmas is about the children! If a child wants a toy that you don't have I will tell the parents where to get it, and if your price is the difference between getting a toy or getting two toys I will send them elsewhere!” and here I could only think that it was a great thing that the kids were so loud that they couldn't hear this. He went on of course, “My duty is first and foremost to the children and to try and support the parents that have scrimped all year just to be able to afford the gifts for them, and if you don't like it ...”
The answer to the “don't like it” question was left hanging as a woman walked over and tapped the manager on the shoulder. “Are you the manager here?” she said in a rather waning voice. Before the manager could even confirm she continued, “You see my husband was laid off for the holidays, and we were going to spend our last savings to get Johnny the Robbie Robot that he wanted,” the look on the managers face was disdained but the woman continued, “Well thanks to your Santa Claus we was able to get that robot over at Kay-Bee for half the price, and then came back here to get him some new clothes to go with it. I don't know what games you guys are pulling here but I like it,” her face broke into a big grin, “If Macy's cares about me then I care about Macy's. I'll be going home and calling all my friends and telling them that they owe it to themselves to come in here.”
The manager was flustered, but jabbled out a “Thank You” in great detail as the woman walked away. He glanced over at TAKAKK and said, “Well you have children to see, keep up the good work!” he then stopped him on his way and said “You wouldn't happen to have those price lists would you, I think every employee here should know these prices and adjust if we can or send the customers along to make room for the other customers.”
TAKAKK looked towards me as he said, “Sorry sir, they are all up here,” and with that he pointed at his head, “It's a gift that I have but I will work on a list tonight if you wish,” and after the manager agreed to it he was sent along to deal with the screaming children. He gave me one of those creepy old man winks as he walked by, and I was still perplexed as to why I was even here to witness this. Again I have learned not to question these things because Lord knows the narrator in all those stupid Superdaddyman stories never comes to me for editing advice.
Later that night after dinner I was taking the dishes from the dinner table and TAKAKK was still sitting there writing down his list of prices. Twelve years of public school had never put as much information in my head as was coming out of TAKAKK's and being put on paper. He had just about every toy ever made, and I pointed out to him that no child was going to be looking for an Atari 2600. He smiled and said, “Oh you never know, and look at that price anyway,” as I was thinking that there was a reason it was so cheap. Before I could even ask the question he went on, “It's my job to know where everything is and how to get it for the best price. The elves went union, and it's very hard to get them to produce like they used to so I need some help now and then.”
Oh the whacky old man. His own belief in the fantasy, was so overpowering that he could almost get me to go along with it. Thankfully I learned my way around a fantasy or two dealing with the guy downstairs downloading tons of it {even though he thinks we don't know} and of course the woman to whom my whole “gift” was based on. Her life crossed over into fantasy so long ago that I simply labeled it all “lies” and got on with my life. As nice of an old man, whiskers or not, I wouldn't give him Monaco odds on being able to install a clue in my mother. We are after all talking about a woman who lost her kids and still denies it. I tried to walk him back into the world of reality a bit since I am the patron evils's of lost causes, “You know if they really wanted to they could have their own people get these prices and you don't have to spend all of your free time writing them all down?”
He smiled at me

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2009 - Part 1

2011-12-19T03:30:00.000-05:00

A Note About this Repost from the Madman Behind the Curtain - Well in 2008 I had come up with the stroke of genius that I should do "A Christmas Story" as explained by Captain ADHD. It actually took a few people half a page to realize it was Captain ADHD telling the story instead of everyone's favorite super villain turned super hero. I had actually fallen in love with that blog despite the lack of readers, but the most important reader of them all loved it. That's why I decided that she should have her own the next year, and I think this was even better! I hope you enjoy .. Jeremy
Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2009 - Lazius Boycrazius' Miracle on 34th Street - Part 1 - {December 22, 2009}
It can be a cruel cruel world out there, but I have never fostered the belief that Santa Claus was real. Don't get me wrong, I think a fat man in a red suit promising Christmas Cheer and all that junk is nice, but keeping control of the two smaller factions of the Terrorist Organization Known as the Evils's {TOKE} is hard work, and without my controlled form of “beat down” Captain ADHD alone would become too powerful for his own good. Now of course being the “muscle” behind our little slice of criminal nirvana alone but to have to deal with all that yammering, stammering from two lunatics within my own criminal organization just makes it all that much more difficult. In the end I just hit them with the “yeah yeah sure sure” when it comes to the whole Santa Claus thing and go about my hectic life of keeping track of actors, and happenings around the “Twilight” saga.
Now of course it was one of those silly work furloughs that The Superdaddyman carted us all off to New York to see something he called the greatest parade on earth, and he went on and on about having an “in” with the big guy. He talked about things like penguins and Secretaries of State who look good in skirts, and let's get real here, I plead the fifth when it comes to the inner workings of that guy. In the end it was a trip to New York City and more opportunity for me to end my career as “criminal muscle” and potentially start my career as “Robert Pattison” stalker extraordinaire. I merely needed to get this whole “watching balloons and talking to a fat guy in a Red Suit” stuff out of the way.
Now in all fairness, the giant Underdog, and Snoopy were pretty cool, the bands were a bit less annoying when you see them live, and as a late teenage Evils's I can always find the value in something centered around Macy's to be of pretty important value. Two hours of watching people march, and carry things does get old though. Serious facebook time has been wasted on all of this, and I haven't quite mastered the cell phone as a means of web communication, so the battery is dying from all the text messages of “I'm going to kill one of these twits,” without an end in sight. Nobody can quite get the smell of New York City without standing in it with a few million others, even on the day after Thanksgiving. I was nudged out of my half sleepy warbling by my captor {The Superdaddyman} as what appeared to be the end of this lunacy wandered towards us. There it was, off in the distance, a large float with the biggest, reddest man on it since Ted Kennedy was alive. Of course this one was standing and waving and smiling at everyone, which was a stark contrast to that other fat red elf.
The sheer humiliation of being related {but in denial} to the two little freaks bouncing around as if this was Santa himself, was insane. They smacked, poked, pushed, prodded, and harassed me the whole time about how Santa was on his way, and then assumed that from this they were finally in the promised land. I think perhaps the whole concept of “scare tactics” based on “Santa know if you've been bad or good” perhaps makes Kris Kringle a viable necessity, albeit total fiction or else these little bastards would have closets full of coal. Still furious that there wasn't a “Twilight Saga” float this year I counted my blessings that I could at least plot the biggest sequel to “Escape from New York” in the history of mankind, had it not been for that stupid Superdaddyman and his flagrant name dropping that was going to drag my unwilling victim ass, into Macy's to meet the fat guy himself. Heaven forbid that I ever get past the age of ten in any near future venue!
Watching the fake praise thrown at the feet of this Santa Claus was not even amusing after a while. Yeah I have to admit that he was charming, perhaps even personable. He was far better than the drunk they had last year, and in his own way the real whiskers was a nice touch. Kids were running all around him, and he was without a doubt very good at inter-idiot skills as he promised them everything from an X-Box 360 to Holidays named after them. That which he couldn't outright give them, he simply “moved” them into different things like that guy on “The Mentalist” and you gotta give him credit for that. The Superdaddyman was making the rounds and giving “shout outs” to his peeps, while I of course was stuck guarding the two smaller Evils's in the line. Unfortunately I was paying attention as the Fat Guy at the front of the line calling himself Kris Kringle with that Jonestown ferocity was faced with his first real Santafail moment, as the parents of a Croatian adopted refugee made it to the front of the line, apologizing profusely because the child couldn't speak English. I chuckled to myself as I waited for the grand Santafail, followed by my brilliantly executed “I told you so” rhetoric.
Unfortunately the rhetoric was put on hold as the man in the big red suit quickly hoisted her up on his lap and started speaking to her in something that sounded like Italian, but much harder to understand, “I što želite za Božić mali anđeo?” which was perplexing as the little girls face just lit up, and tears filled her eyes. She grabbed the Santa Claus {for lack of a better word} and started chirping in her own sweet little voice a mile a minute. They both conversed for quite a bit, and it was obvious that they both understood each other, so this really threw a wrench in my whole Santafail theory. The good news was that the other two Evils's driving me mental were too busy bothering each other to notice this, and I had plausible deniability. Of course the line that I was mired in with the other twits was getting smaller every minute, and that could pose some problems.
Seeing my little sister {I guess she's codenamed Imtoocutus} just blathering on and on and on about all the things that she wants, was torture. I mean any kid that asks Santa for clothes, and doesn't even apply any designers that she wants, is just plain weird. This was what she asked everyone for on her birthday, and they all just placated her, making me have to sit through a girl getting all excited over Wal-Mart and Target's latest fall fashions. Making wretching noises didn't change the tenor of it all, and I was forced to try and blame it on DNA issues as I am only 50% genetically related to the Eviltard. This also gives me an opportunity to rag on and on about that simpleton Superdaddyman who like totally gave her these genes. The color schemes she goes for as well, um .. let's just say we won't go there.
Then there was the whole Captain ADHD going on about how he really does need something called a Global thermonuclear incendiary device? Who the hell knows what one of those are but the Santa fraud sitting on the Santa throne seemed to know and was actively trying to talk him out of it. Needless to say if Captain ADHD wants one then there is a chance that anyone playing Santa would want to talk him out of it. On the other hand it isn't clothes so I would have to call him a bit more normal than the reject over there talking an angry looking elf's ear off. I think that the “diabolical one” as Superdaddyman would put it, was almost convinced that NERF makes some rather realistic thermoglobalthingymadingies, and was about to hop off of his lap. I was all for that because it would get us out of this line with the disease factories coughing all over me, but that wasn't going to be so easy now was it?
“And what do you want for Christmas young lady?” the non drunk more realistic than most Santa asked as he grabbed me by the arm. Hello? Can anyone here spell inappropriate touching? Well nobody is going to call me out for ruining Christmas for the mind numb robots and especially the ones that I have to live with, so I chose to not start screaming and beating him about the head. I did shoo the other two away so that I could have a “talk” with Santa. He added, “So what is your name young lady?”
“My name is Lazius Boycrazius and what is yours?” and he very cheerily pointed out that his name was Kris Kringle, and I chuckled a bit. The poor delusional old man didn't need me driving him over the edge so I simply said, “Well I'm not here to play the Santa game, I know that there is no such thing as Santa Claus, but you do seem to be a very nice old man with whiskers, and let's just leave it at that?”
His smile didn't break for a moment and he looked at me with a bit of comedy in his eyes. He started speaking in the usual patronizing voice but as he was with the little evils's was kind enough to at least get a bit of respect. “You haven't had it very easy, I imagine and somewhere along the way, you have lost faith in father Christmas I see?” his smile was after all infectious and I can see why the Macy's Santa makes the big bucks, “What can I do to restore your faith in me this year? I'm sure there is something you really want that only the REAL Santa Clause can give you?”
The man in the jolly red suit was patiently waiting as I eyeballed everyone staring at us. I couldn't crush everyone waiting in line and I couldn't hold UP the line any longer. I figured I would throw something out there rather snarky, and at the same time completely impossible, in the interest of “playing the game.” I cleared my throat and said, “Well if you really are the real Santa Clause then perhaps you could do the one thing that no man on planet Earth has done?” his face was alight with the challenge and my lips curled into a bit of an evil smirk, “You could give my mother a clue, instead of giving me anything at all. You could do it on behalf of my brother and sister, and give them the greatest Christmas of all?”
The light in his eye changed dramatically as he became somewhat somber. He didn't seem too out of sorts though as he stroked his beard, and considered what I had asked of him, “Well this one isn't going to be easy, and I can't make any promises, but I will do the best that I can,” he said with uncertainty in his voice. He looked up at me and asked, “This would restore your faith in father Christmas though, I have your word?”
Knowing full well that it is the impossible dream of even the most mind numb brother, I was perfectly safe in pledging my soul to Christmas itself as I nodded my agreement. I spoke up at that time saying, “If you can't I will still consider you just a nice old man with whiskers, but I sincerely doubt that even if you were Santa Claus you wouldn't be able to fix that,” I shot him a smile, and then added, “It's almost unfair of me to rest it all on that.”
He reached out and grabbed my hand to shake it, and his hand was unusually warm. He shook it up and down, and then said, “So it is up to Santa Claus to save the very spirit of Christmas in you, and I am up for the task. Nothing in this world is really that easy after all.” … to be continued

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2008 - Finale

2011-12-18T05:04:00.001-05:00

A Note About this Repost from the Madman Behind the Curtain - Well I guess I said it enough that I really liked this finale. My kids liked it, and that was a bonus. Starting tomorrow it will be intermixing the 2010 Christmas Countdown and the last of the reposts and I thank you for following me down memory lane thus far .. Jeremy
Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2008 - Captain ADHD Tells The Christmas Story - Part 3 - {December 24, 2008}
Of course they hadn’t heard the last of me! I am and have always been the same criminal mastermind that holds this pathetic city hostage at my merest wish, despite the fact that the coming out process was in effect when this tale was being spun. That official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, would have been beyond the scope of ordinary boys and girls at this point in time, but I borrowed a page out of Imtoocutus’s book and started my steady flow of nagging and bribery. I started diligently picking up extra chores around the house. Well not the ones they wanted me to do, but the ones that would better serve my goals and objectives.
The first chore I took upon myself was the exhausting task of answering the phone whenever someone called. “Hello, you have reached the Casa di Evil’s where the best gift you could get anyone would be the official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock!” I had to start hanging up on the ones that said I’d shoot my eye out because they were simply taking up valuable marketing time. In the end it was that rotten Lazius Boycrazius that convinced me that I should move on to other chores {I think anyway, it was kinda a blur after the first few punches} and even suggested a few of them that seemed to mimic most of her chores. Tragically I was too tired to take on any of those chores and decided it was best for me to retire to my parlor for a while to think up more “useful” chores that didn’t involve things like “work” and would of course reach my true objective.
Now mind you during this time of my long and fulfilling life thus far the Superdaddymoron was married to the one that he commonly refers to as EX3. It’s hard to remember all the time, since he has been obviously trying to teach Liz Taylor a thing or two about the whole ordeal, but she was the one that only seemed to be with other girls after they broke up. I can only imagine the amount of cooties that two women can produce in a day! Uck! Now as my memory serves her and Greektradgedius Inyiddish were both fighting diligently over who got to ruin the Christmas turkey. Take it from a survivor of both of their cooking, that either of them could have done it quickly and efficiently without all of the emotional battery that they expended to get from point A to point B, but even a six year old super villain can catch on to the fact that it is the emotional abuse leading up to the confrontation that kept them both young. Being a male cursed with that vile Jeremy Crow’s DNA I should probably get used to women like that, but let’s get back to the point here. Jeremy Superdaddyduh Crow is a certified turkey craven lunatic, and it’s probably the only thing that keeps him putting up with the holidays at all. Well that and because you are what you eat I suppose.
Now by the time Christmas day had rolled around I had just about exhausted all of my resources on getting that official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock. The day of Christmas in fact I remember gloomily sorting through the crap everyone had actually gotten me. A new computer, Playstation 2, a new bicycle, television, see in the dark infrared glasses like the marines use, and a pile of other unfulfilling crap. I watched my stupid little sister run around with a box over her head yelling “A Box a Box !!! Look daddy I got a box!!!” like some little freak! I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be that young and stupid, but as I carry on, the only real pleasure in it all was the usual tragedy of watching the Superdaddyslob walking around with a bottle of Maalox in his hand dealing with three different families all sitting around and hating on each other. Sure I knew that EX3 {who in the end had the honor of ruining the turkey} was leaving later that day. I’m not stupid after all, and I watched her leave every night for the last month or so and had noticed that all of her things were gone, when I was .. um .. scouting out the house. Let’s face it though, my lack of official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock kinda meant that everyone else should have a horrible Christmas. I realize that it probably wasn’t going to get to that box loving moron that sleeps in the other room, but I have years to get even with her!
This was when it happened! The dogs that had been barking at the door all day, held at bay from their carnal needs had been accidentally {muahahahaha?} let in, and they made a b-line strait for the turkey that was cooling off next to the stove. Of course Maggie jumped up to grab it and the stupid dog knocked herself out against the cabinet, and Tommy just sat there staring at it using his mental abilities to get Greektradgedius Inyiddish out of her throne in the living room to come in and give him a piece of it. As usual it worked like a charm as she came out telling him what a good dog he was. She carved off a good slab and loudly explained that this was the fatty part of the breast and tossed it to him. It was pure insanity from the moment it hit the floor. Maggie who was starting to come around seized the piece of turkey from Tommy {cuz he is a loser} and started devouring it. Tommy resorted to plan two and started whining. Greek Tradgedius found another huge chunk of fat in the breast and gave it to Tommy, and the fun began.
Maggie started up first as she had devoured her chunk of turkey the fastest. It was coming out both ends like something out of the exorcist!! She was running around hurling on everyone’s pant legs, while Tommy ground his butt into the carpet leaving a trail of sick behind him. Within minutes they had traded places and the rooms that earlier were strewn with wrapping paper were now strewn with something of a far more biodegradable matter, and the smell … oh my God the smell of the doggie sick all over everything was enough to start Imtoocutus to joining in on the fun. Now there were two dogs and an idiot hurling all throughout the living room. You couldn’t buy a script like this! {or perhaps you could, feel free to leave a comment and my people can meet up with your people and we can do lunch} Greektradgedius Inyiddish was running around demanding that someone clean up the mess and fix her dog. Lazius Boycrazius was having a fit of the giggles, and Superdaddydoofus was sitting on the back porch with a cigarette in one hand and a poisonous turkey leg in the other. I actually think that he was hoping one or the other would kill him.
Several hours later, we had just about cleaned up all of the mess, and I was about ready to call it a night, when I heard the doorbell upstairs ringing. I didn’t think much of it since I had almost had the Playstation 2 completely apart, so that I could see what really made it tick, and then I heard footsteps on the stairs leading down to my lair. They weren’t the usual footsteps that I hear above me which actually made me put down the pile of spare parts I had left over while trying to reconstruct the PS2. I finally heard the voice as it walked around the corner, and was shocked to see my maternal grandfather standing there with a package for me. He had that look of irresponsibility on his face that I so admire about him, and I could hear his faithful accomplice {my grandmother} upstairs keeping everyone else occupied. “Hey Booboo you haven’t opened my Christmas present yet,” he said to me as he came walking around the corner.
I was totally elated as I knew my faithful accomplice in anything that would get under that Superdaddygoons skin, couldn’t possibly let me down! I seized the package from him, which coincidentally didn’t occur to me at the time was about thirty times to large to have an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, but you know how my mind gets when I enter Super ADHD mode. I ripped the paper open, throwing it in every direction. The box was HUGE, and it had a picture of a real creepy looking kid that belonged in a Brady Bunch rerun smiling at me, while holding a couple of sticks. My mind was thinking “nun chucks” but then again my mind wasn’t thinking much at all as this box was WAY too big for nun chucks and Lord knows this 70’s castaway would only hurt himself with a pair. As I tore open the box I saw … a drum set.
Now the look of bewilderment on my face must have said it all but my Bumpa {no comments, the guy brings me all the contraband I’ll call him whatever he wants} simply smiled at me and said, “If you can’t get what you want, get even,” and winked at me. A small black spot started forming in my brain as it dawned on me what wonderful headaches I could start handing out with this. It should only take a few days before someone brings a gun into the house after all! It was through that drum set that I finally had the tools necessary to hone my super evil skills of ADHDing properly as well. I was like a tone deaf Keith Moon on crack, and most of the family couldn’t even walk into the same room as me when I got going! All in all it wasn’t the worst Christmas I ever had, but it still seems to stick out in my mind like that jerk that used to beat you up in school, whatshisname out in Arkansas now. I would have to say it is in my top ten Christmas’s of all time, and that’s my story. I’m sticking to it. Signed .. The Sweet and Innocent .. Captain ADHD ;8o)

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2008 - Part 2

2011-12-18T05:01:00.001-05:00

Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2008 - Captain ADHD Tells the Christmas Story - Part 2 {December 22, 2008}
Of course life does go on in Megalopolis. Aside from my quest to get that official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, and the various plots that the Powers that Be {PTB} concocted to keep me from it, there was the case of this bully at school. You know the type, who is about 3 years older than everyone else and can’t seem to get past the fifth grade. The inbreeding and such had also managed to mutate him larger than most of the eighth graders that he should have been with, but luck would have it, he gets to hang out with the fifth graders, and at the time, beat up all the first graders. Myself being included in all of this, it was hard for me to save up the necessary funds to buy my own official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock. Fortunately I hadn’t planned on spending my lunch money on food anyway, but I took the problem to that Superdaddydolt, and all he had to say was the pitiful old crap of “You just have to stand up to that bully and punch him in the mouth,” yeah like that was going to happen, and then of course added, “Bullies are bullies because secretly they are cowards.”
Well in this case bullies can be bullies because the pain of trying to think makes them mean. Perhaps it is because he was roughly seven freaking years older than me, and gets angry that he has to get on his knees and reach down to punch me. Never seemed to stop him come to think of it, but perhaps he was just an inbdred redneck with nothing better to do, I really could have cared less. I wasn’t stupid enough to hit him back no matter how many times he had beaten me up. Now if I had that official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, I probably could have just shot his sorry butt and had done with it, but noooooooooooo, we had to play the game. It was then that I realized that I had strange evilling abilities that were unhoned, and bursting to get out of me. Sort of like Harry Potter, but not in such a head up your butt, doo gooder sort of way. My first nemesis, aka Lazius Boycrazius had been developing her diabolical skills already but not at such a young age as I. This of course can be explained away by my superiority and leadership that has guided TOKE {The Terrorist Organization Known as the Evils’s} into the international force that it has become today, but I digress. As always I am worried that my superior intellect could be confusing to those trying to keep up after all.
Well you see it was that one day, on my way home from school after yet another dejection in my quest to get the official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock. This time it was that one eyed kid who sells the strange smelling herbs on the playground who always has a knack for getting anything you need. When he told me that I would shoot my eye out I came pretty close to asking him what had happened to his, but thought better of it. He was notoriously mean too you see, and besides I had to get my stupid little sister home and she could hardly move in that stupid snow suit. Well as luck would have it along came that stupid bully and he had just gotten word from the strange kid that I was trying to procure a certain official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock. He wasn’t showing up to help, let me tell you, and he nailed me strait in the face with an ice ball. My eyes had teared up horribly, and he started calling me a crybaby. Nobody calls me a crybaby and gets away with it! Well actually he did on this occasion but I digress yet again!
Having had enough of all this crap I heard a small voice in the back of my head saying “Use the force Luke!” which made me know instinctively it was time for me to go home and get my pills, but it also reminded me of all the painstaking effort I had taken in hacking into the Superdaddydummy’s computer network! I was simply twittering with ideas, or perhaps it was the lack of pills, but my stifled abilities had come out of me, and I had a plan we will just call Operation Get The Stupid Dummy That Steals My Lunch Money And Make Him Pay Really Badly {OGT .. uh .. SD .. Oh screw it THE PLAN} and it should have come to me all along. A simple little prank that would forever change his ability to bully me, and far more effective than having to have my jaw wired shut if I were to hit him. You see it was so simple that I was almost ashamed of myself for not coming up with it sooner, but at six years old I was just starting to come into my own.
First I did what just about anyone else would have done, and speed blitzed all the credit servers on the internet. Once I had stocked piled enough credit in the name of the Bully’s parents, I withdrew all of the cash and immediately started transferring it between their bank accounts and special bank accounts that I had been playing around with when I was bored in the Cayman Islands and Switzerland. The trick was to use the speed of Captain ADHD to make sure that thousands of transactions would get through before the IRS could figure it out. By the time the IRS had come to take the Bully’s parents away, he had already been sent off to live with his grandmother in the Ozarks or some other place where the hillbilly’s live, and I was home free. It was a bit simplistic in nature, but I had confirmed that it would work using the Ovaltine Little Orphan Annie Ouija Board that I had gotten in the mail. Now I could get back to the important things like manipulating my way into that official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock … To be continued

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2008 - Part 1

2011-12-18T04:58:00.001-05:00

A Note About this Repost from the Madman Behind the Curtain - Well as I had eluded to in the last post, this was done in a hurry, and it was done in desperation, and in my opinion it was done well. I remember when I was writing it too, because despite the misery that last November and December was, the whole time I was banging this out, I was thinking about how it would have been received years before. My fantasy .. oh well, but it was loved by my favorite critics .. My daughter and my son .. Jeremy
Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2008 - Captain ADHD Tells the Christmas Story - Part 1 - {December 21, 2008}
Ah I remember the good old days before I was the most diabolical force known to mankind. Yes in those days I was simply a little boy, with all the hopes and dreams of any little boy, and my time was better spent trying to con people out of what I wanted for Christmas, and less on trying to hold the world hostage for one meeeeeeeeeelion dollars. Yes I tended to run around with boxes over my head, yelling about how it was the greatest box I had ever gotten, but I was so young, ever so young and lost in the dementia of Christmas itself. Later on separated as I was from the family I understood, I was once again smitten with the idea of Christmas, and getting that one great toy. The only toy I ever needed, and will always cherish, I had even written uber class essays on my wonderful decisions to my teacher, just to have her break my poor little heart with those five little words, “You’ll shoot your eyes out,” and a big fat C on them.
You see this is where the whole world started their evil plan to get me at all costs. It started with my fool of a mother {I think they codenamed her The Mother of all the Evils’s or MAE} and was infiltrated into the very school that was supposed to teach me things. My father was no help, that simpering Jeremy Crow, and who is he fooling, I know he is also the Superdaddyman, but all good super villains know how to keep their enemies secrets for their own purposes, and obviously had been brought to all those that would seek to help true genius as myself! Operation Get the Captain {or OGC I suppose} had been in the works for years, and it appeared that I was no closer to getting that official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, but I am after all the boy with a plan! Quitting is not, and has never been a part of my vocabulary, and even when I was young and dumb, I was able to formulate a plot, if the goal was great enough. Who wouldn’t want an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock after all?
I had had some minor success formulating a few plots here and there along the way, and as my cognitive skills were forming around me, I had worked my own special brand of magic in preparations for the big plan. What is a man without a plan? Even at the ripe old age of 5, which seems like half my life ago, I was practicing the skills of manipulation. Sure there was that kid on the playground who I got to stick his tongue to the pole, and the urine I had put in my teachers coffee {give me a C and her smart butt remarks will she} but most of my new found eviling skills were being honed properly cracking into the Superdaddydolt’s server, and deleting all those stupid movies with the people screaming in the bedroom, and wrestling or something. Never could understand how they were supposed to wrestle properly without a ring and tights on anyway, but that is neither here nor there. It was all a question of breaking them all down. The secret to any good criminal mastermind, even when fledgling in nature is to wear down the hopeless do gooders! Give them something else to worry about so that you can sneak in under the radar.
Santa Clause was out by this point. That fat old bastard told me that I would shoot my eye out to, and let’s face it, after waiting two hours in line to hear that he deserved what I did to his whiskey bottle, after I snooped around a bit in his hut. Always remember to bring an accomplice on those missions, because the Clause always seems to have a lot of little security people wearing tights and pointy hats everywhere. It was pretty simple really, I sat on his lap, gave him my list of demands, “My father says I can’t have an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, and I told him that you would kick his Superdaddybutt unless I get it!” to which he had the audacity to say to me the fatal five words, and what was I supposed to do then? Just take it like a girl? Speaking of girl this is where the little sister comes in handy, as she was up next yammering away like the little idiot that she is and touching absolutely EVERYBODY. I swear after about five minutes of that she had lulled the fat traitor into a sense of dull apathy, and I struck like the burgeoning criminal mastermind should at times like these. Bottle was found, the stupid looking dog with the fake antlers on its head had a place to relieve itself, I had a place to relieve myself, and Lord only knows that red nosed old fraud was probably thrilled to see that he had almost twice as much whiskey on his next break! I of course tried unsuccessfully to petition all the other Santa Clauses with the bells out front of Wal-Mart, and the grocery stores, just to find out that they had gotten to all of them too.
I could feel the evil coursing through my every vein as OGC was being plotted and planned behind my back, and like all of the inferior class super villains you read about in the comic books, I was starting to plot harder to get my official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock. Now mind you characters like the Joker, or Lex Luthor, or even that stupid Vulture guy were never blessed with my superior skills at committing unmitigated evil, so you can only expect their plots to go wrong, but then again sadly in my youth I wasn’t quite honed in the fine arts of Evil-Fu myself. Many other plots came and went, and I was quite melancholy when some of my greatest allies in the war against the Superdaddyman couldn’t understand the overwhelming need for an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock. Even Greektradgedius Inyiddish was no help in all of this. Her reply of those five hated words meant that the overwhelming “guilt beat down” that I was hoping she would lay on the Superdaddyfool wasn’t coming. Bringing the idea to Greektradgedius Intraining not only brought those five words but the string of obscenities that spilled out before and after them was enough to turn my face purple. If I wasn’t already one of the foremost evil geniuses in the world I might have even thought I could bring this up to therapist and get a bit of sympathy about it all!
I guess while we are on that subject they apparently had gotten to her too. All I had to say was, “I want an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock and all of these halfwits around me don’t seem to understand the cataclysmic importance of this!” and she used the five words on me! I had always thought that she was on MY side, and worse than that she came pretty darn close to talking me out of it! Mental note should be inserted here that I forced her into early retirement just like that witch who used to be my teacher. You can’t expect a super villain to accept treachery at such a base level can you? In the end I had finally determined that it was going to take some pretty shifty dealings to get an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock, but what else was I supposed to do at this point? Oh they’ll see … To be continued

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2007 - Finale

2011-12-17T05:09:00.001-05:00

Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2007 - How the Fed-Ex Driver Stole Christmas - Part 2 {December 23, 2007}
Along the way the mean FedEx Drivery fool, finds reason to believe that the Evils’s can still Yule. So again he amasses the fiendish FedEx Drivery Trick, “I’ll rob the UPS driver and steal all of those presents, now wouldn’t THAT be slick!”
And through the window FedEx Driver saw the great tree, he broke in the door when he heard a small buzz like a bee. He turned around fast, and he saw a small Evils’s! Little Imtoocutus, who was a lot more than two.
The FedEx Driver had been caught by this tiny Evils’s daughter who'd got out of bed to break her brother’s toys before he could get them. She stared at the FedEx Driver and said, "WHY?" and then followed it with an ear piercing trail of words that is rarely distinguishable to anyone anyway.
But, you know, that old FedEx Driver was so smart and so slick He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick! "Will you SHUT UP," the FedEx Driver cried, "You’re going to wake everyone up!" but that didn’t stop her a bit for it never does, "Please be quiet and I’ll give you THIS" came out next as he held out a box of candy he stole from another house.
And his ill gotten candy shut the Evils’s up. Then he patted her head and he got her a drink and he sent her to bed. And when Imtoocutus went to bed with her cup, HE back to the tree and then blew the thing up!
But as we know already the FedEx driver is a dolt. He knows not what happens when you wake an Imtoocutus up! All the same he went back to his truck to crack open another beer, started driving down the street, and from behind him he hears, “Where we goin? How we getting there? Are we there yet?” Followed by about 1000 other questions. Imtoocutus was right behind him, and he still didn’t learn his lesson!
Leaving Imtoocutus on the side of the road had been too easy! It was quarter past dawn... All the Evils’s, still a-bed, All the OTHER Evils’s, still a-snooze When he cracked open a package of cheese snaps he stole the words rang out loud and clear, “Can I have one? Are those good? Where did you get those? For the simpleton FedEx Driver still had his stow away near!
Three thousand feet further, his stow away gets thrown out, he rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it! "I hope I finally lost that twit!" he was FedEx Driver-ish-ly humming. "They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming! They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do! Their mouths will hang open a minute or two and as for Imtoocutus, just say BooHoo!"
"BooHoo?” the FedEx driver heard from Imtoocutus’s mouth, "Where we going? Who are you? Why we driving away from my house?" The reaction of abstract from the FedEx Drivers almost made him crash the smelly old truck. “Hey can you stop here? Oh stop and buy me one of those? Can you take me there next?” Kept trailing out this night is starting to suck!
The FedEx Driver spun round and headed back to the house. “I am going to break that door down again and tie you to the couch!” The plan was being ruined and worse should he hear, the sound from the house was happy! It wasn’t the sound of sad that the FedEx Driver had hoped for at all. In the doorway stood a man, not to short, not too tall!
“I found all your gifts as I was driving down the road, I picked them all up and brought them to you for it was on the way,” came from the door. The moan of the FedEx Driver was drowned out by the whining and non stop babble of Imtoocutus sitting behind him.
Every Evils’s over in Evils’s-Ville, the tall and the small, Was singing! Since the got their presents and all! He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME! Now he is stuck with a ranting Evils’s Dame!!!
And the FedEx Driver, with his FedEx Driver-feet ice-cold in the snow, Stood puzzling and puzzling: "Where we going next? Why are you standing in the snow? Is it cold?" He threw Imtoocutus towards the door and he ran to his truck, slammed the door behind him and sped off for luck!
And what happened then...? Well...in Evils’s-Ville they say that the FedEx Driver's small dick shrank three sizes smaller from standing in the snow! And the minute his ugly FedEx Pants didn't feel quite so tight, He whizzed with his truck through the bright morning light screaming “Fuck you Evils’s I’ll get you next year!”
Behind him came the little nagging voice, “You know you shouldn't swear? Why do you have such a potty mouth? Don’t you know any better? My daddy always says ...”
You're a monster, from FedEx. Your head’s an empty hole.
Your shoes are full of tacks, you're a brainless blood fart.
Mr. FedEx Driver.
Oh and now you expect US to come pick up Imtoocutus … RIGHT ;8o)

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2007 - Part 1

2011-12-16T10:43:00.001-05:00

A Note About this Repost from the Madman Behind the Curtain - So when I started the finale to the 2007 Christmas Countdown I was back on planet earth in more ways than one. I don't think I even got 100 hits, mostly do to my own giving up writing most of the year, and party because I didn't promote myself anymore. The other problem, which became the subject of the finale was that my entire Christmas was turned on its head when Fed-Ex had created chaos for me with all the gifts I had ordered. They lost them, then they kept delivering them to the wrong houses, and their "tough shit" attitude about it all was giving me ulcers. I had just gotten done with the toughest few months of my life as I dealt with my father and his "illnesses" and couldn't handle the extra burden at all, so this was how I poked a bit of fun on the whole thing .. Jeremy
Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2007 - How the Fed-Ex Driver Stole Christmas - Part 1 - {December 22, 2007}
Every Evil’s over in Evil’s-ville liked Christmas a lot... But the FedEx Driver, who lived just north of Evils’s-Ville, did NOT!
The FedEx Driver hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be that his back hurt from carrying the crap. It could be, perhaps, that his extra work interferes with his nap. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that his dick was two sizes too small.
But, whatever the reason, the crap or lack of nap, He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Evils’s, staring up from his truck with a yawn, FedEx Drivery frown at the warm lighted windows across the snow covered lawn. For he knew all the Evils’s down in Evils’s-Ville over there was busy now, running around like lunatics because they had not a care.
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer, "Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!" Then he growled, with his FedEx Driver fingers nervously drumming, "I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!" For, tomorrow, he knew... all the Evils’s in there would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their stuff! And then! Oh, that Crow! That Jeremy Crow! Crow! Crow! Yanno! That's one thing he hated! The Superdaddyman! The Caped Pervader! And especially Jeremy Crow! Then the Evils’s, young and old, would sit down to a feast. And they'd burp! And they'd slurp! And they'd Burpin! Slurpin! Droolin! Yulin!
They would feast on Evils’s-candy, and rare Evils’s-roast beast which was something the FedEx Driver couldn't stand in the least! And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all! Every Evils’s down in Evils’s-Ville, the tall and the small, would start fighting together, with Greektradgedius yelling. They'd grab each other by the throat, and the Evils’s would start bitching!
I didn’t get what I wanted! And they'd Cry, Whine, and Bitch! And the more the FedEx Driver thought of this Evils’s-Christmas-Bitch, The more the FedEx Driver thought, "I must stop this whole thing!" "Why, for fifteen years I've put up with it now!" "I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! ...But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea! THE FEDEX DRIVER GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA! "I know just what to do!" The FedEx Driver laughed in his throat. And he made a quick dash to his truck. And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great FedEx Drivery trick! "I have all their gifts in here, and I don’t give a SHIT!"
"All I need is an excuse..." The FedEx Driver looked around. “I’ll say I delivered the gifts, when nobody was home! They can’t do a thing because nobody intelligent will answer the phone!”
"If they catch on to my ploy, I will tell them I’m off to find them, and leave the gifts in the middle of nowhere hooked to the door of an abandoned cabin!” THEN He loaded some bags and some old empty smelly socks hoisted all of the Evils’s gifts on his rickety old FedEx truck. Then the FedEx Driver said, "Crap I better stop and get beer!" and he drove away quick as he could to a different town, but still near.
All the roads were quite fine, as the plow trucks had been through. “I’ll still put down in the log that a snow storm had blew!” All the Evils’s were all dreaming sweet dreams without care when the FedEx Driver was throwing their gifts out the window, why should he care. "There’s the house they are supposed to be at," the old FedEx Drivery Claus hissed and he climbed to the drive, unzipped his trousers and on their snow covered lawn he then pissed. “That’s about all you little bastards deserve!” as his zipper then pinched. He drew grumpy faces in piss, and crossed that bit off his list! Why do they get off the naughty list? Santa’s head must be wood! But, if Santa won’t do it, then FedEx Driver could. He got stuck in his zipper only once, for a moment or two. It was probably all that beer he was drinking along the way "I should go piss on their porch after a belt more or two!"
Then he slithered and slunk, back to his big smelly truck. He drove down the road again, and he should have gotten stuck. He knocked over mailboxes, but tore out of sight, he threw the last of the packages out the window as he escaped into the night!
Then he slunk to the computer. He entered his data! Delivered at 5:08! Those idiots will never know, and they can’t get an answer! Our switchboard employs the best lingual dancers! He pulled out the DVD player he saved for him self, and loaded porno movies he had stolen as well. You should feel sorry for whoever plans to eat at this table in the break room next! For they are in for a really nasty surprise left behind …
You're a mean one, from FedEx. You really are an ass!
You're as dependable as a crack whore! You're as useful as a sinking wharf. Mr. FedEx Driver.
You're a bad Disney Movie, missing a couple of Dwarfs! … To be continued …

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2007 - The Lily Franklin Christmas Countdown

2011-12-15T12:38:00.001-05:00

A Note About this Repost from the Madman Behind the Curtain - Although 2007 was the only year that I incorperated one of my web novels into my Christmas Countdown, I think my popularity had shrunk to the point where hardly anyone actually read it. I did get a few comments off the blog saying it was good, and a few saying that it was unfairly heartbreaking. I knew it was a little of both, but it revitalized for a bit my ability to add to my cyber-novels. For those who don't know who Lily Franklin it has to do with a Cybernovel I have been working on for years called "The Slammer" .. Look it up sometime? .. Jeremy
Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2007 - Lily Franklin Christmas Countdown {December 24, 2007}
The Slammer – An Ever Growing Web Novel – Chapter 4.8
It was Christmas Eve when Jay had first gone to an Applebee’s restaurant, and Lily spent the whole evening complaining about it. The power had gone out at their home on the Cape, and Lily couldn’t accept having to spend Christmas somewhere other than their house. She nearly ruined the whole night for everyone, but Jay hadn’t noticed. That’s not much of a shock to anyone, of course, but it was a bit different actually then just that. Jay and her father were interacting more than usual, and she hadn’t even taken time to notice it. Her mother was starting to get rather cross with her, since she wasn’t too happy about the arrangements either, but was quietly trying to enjoy how Jay and her husband were seemingly making a good time of it. That is rather strange as Jay rarely contributed to making the most out of anything.
Jay of course had started his fascination at staring throughout the ceilings of Applebee’s at all of the memorabilia, and of course his father was encouraging this. He was after all getting more smiles and nods then he was used to. If it were turned around to the positive it would have been the makings of a very good Christmas. Lily of course was spending her first year out of the house as she was at Dartmouth and drove up the day before. She actually had been a rather spoiled child, and wasn’t becoming a better adult. Despite the fact that her sixteen year old brother had been so amazingly functionally disabled, she did avoid most of it. More to the point she often loathed her brother for changing what was already a privileged life into something less privileged. Of course nobody could blame a nineteen year old young woman for thinking this way, because it was soon to be one of the last normal things about Lily.
Jay ordered his dinner the first moment a waitress had come around, owed to the fact that his “menu” fascination had started many years before now, and even though he had never been to an Applebee’s he had memorized the menu. Lily and Jay’s father asked the waitress with a bit of a laugh to just hold on to that until the rest of the family was ready to order, and told her that Jay was just really excited to be there. The waitress gave them both a very toothy, and kind grin and replied that it would be no problem as she scuttled away with their drink orders. Lily found no humor in this, and still her mother was getting rather cross with her. Her father and her brother went back to patrolling the ceiling for more treasures that they had missed before. Lily still looked out the window, determined to show everyone involved that she would rather be elsewhere.
“You see Jay,” their father started explaining, “back in those days, they only used one baseball during a game.” Lily looked over long enough to see her brother nodding, while her father talked. For some reason her attitude had gone venomous with his attention actually being had by her father. The only times Lily had gotten attention from her brother, it never turned out very good. She was starting to blame the big oaf for the night, just because she was at the age where blaming her brother was just easier. “By the end of the game a ball like that one would move like you wouldn’t believe because it was all dented and squashed,” her father continued while she went back to looking out the window.
“I’ll probably go back north tonight and work on my …” Lily started but then trailed off when her mother shot her a look. Their father had stopped and looked at her with a grimace on his face. Lily had noticed how much older her father was looking these days. In an instant her mind locked on to that as being all of the extra time that he must have to spend with Jay now that she isn’t around for Jay to pester. She felt a pang of shame as her father shook his head ever so slightly and went back to talking to Jay. He had already spent the last few hours trying to be kind to a venomous daughter and obviously had given up. Lily took offense to this but it was probably more because he had never taken to ignoring her before, and that is where the spoiled brat part starts to sink into this all.
It was Lily’s mother who spoke next, and even though she received the same look from her husband that she had been giving to Lily, she was unwavering until the end, “I think it might be a good idea,” and she left it at that. Lily had been her little girl for the last nineteen years, and what Lily seemed to be feeling was the exact opposite of what she was actually feeling right now. As a woman she understood the angst, but it didn’t mean that she liked it in the least, and as most good parent will do, she simply decided that “letting go” of her daughter right now is the best thing to do. After all, they had many more Christmas’s to go through, and this one is simply a bit of a learning process, being apart the rest of the year and all.
Its funny how quickly things change, and how often they don’t for the better. When the family attorney finally got a hold of Lily the next day, she simply thought it was her family trying to call her as he was using her father’s cell phone. Her attitude of defiance was why she didn’t even bother to answer the first few times. She had been hanging out in the university library with the other two students in the entire campus that weren’t off with their family, and it was actually the other two getting grumpy with her phone going off so often that forced her to click the green button and say “What?”
I imagine if you had been there, you would have seen a face full of horror as she listened to the news of her parent’s death. The fact that it had happened probably within a half an hour after her wonderfully cold escape from the family that was doing their best to have a good time, despite their daughter doing he best to have the opposite. The world totally caved in on her, and the librarian that had sacrificed her Christmas day so that students with no plans would have some place to be was left shocked and speechless holding a frantic nineteen year old young lady who was totally losing it. Lily also knew that she somehow had to get from northern New Hampshire to southern Massachusetts while her young mind was filled with more emotions than the average person could ever possibly cope with, the worst of it all being shame and self loathing.
It wasn’t that hard getting from point A to point B though since the brother and sister that had been in the library with her immediately insisted that they drive her out. The hardest part of it all was all of the free time that she had to go even crazier on the way to see her brother who was near death himself in the hospital. The hatred she had in her own heart for being such a rotten person the night before wasn’t helping at all, but it did confirm her resolve as she had shown up at the hospital already set to make the hardest decision of her life since she decided to never play baseball again. The family attorney had met her at the hospital with all of the options for what she could do with her brother, and the family business, but it had fallen on deaf ears. Everything did fall into place in the end.
It wasn’t easy in the beginning, but she did have a few things going for her in all of it. Her brother, despite his autism never once gave anyone a hard time with his recovery. Actually it had been remarkable how well he dealt with all of it, and more to the point his nature in general was perfectly compatible with stringent rules, and basic order. Lily had to have nurses come live with them so that she could finish up her business education at the local Junior College, keep an eye on the company, and keep up with what her brother was doing. She didn’t have to worry about losing her social life because like Jay had accepted his treatment for the broken ribs and broken leg, she had accepted that she would no longer have one. Jay had become so placid at home that Lily had finally, through the encouragement of the doctors, let go of the nurses and simply gotten a maid. She wasn’t stupid though and made sure that she had gotten a rather large male as a maid though, just in case. This of course was how baseball came back into all of this.
Their maid, Bill, was actually a former boxer. The Boston area is full of former boxers so that isn’t very unusual, and when Bill had finally given up on his chosen career of being a boxer, he entered the non athletic world as a janitor. He was very good at it, and then over time had children of his own and through the musings of his wife had become the custodian of the company that Lily was now in charge of, where his wife had been a cranberry canner. Lily had taken to him and his wife and asked him to become the fulltime maid at their home, and to get him over the stigma of being a “maid” offered to pay him more than he and his wife made together, so that she could stay at home and work on other things. He was so proficient at the job though that it left him large amounts of free time alone with Jay, who wasn’t exactly the best of company on his good days. Although he never played the game, Bill was a huge fan of baseball, and he and Jay did have that in common when the games were on.
Lily came home from work one day to an empty house, and wasn’t too worried really, but she was curious as to what the two “boys” as she had taken to calling them were doing. Bill usually had dinner waiting for the two of them before he left for the night, and the kitchen was spotless clean, but there was no dinner. Lily really didn’t care because it really wasn’t part of Bill’s job, but he had become such a good cook over the last few months that she really appreciated it. She walked through the kitchen and peered out the back widow to see Bill, an incredibly large man, crouched down wearing catcher’s equipment that appeared to be made for a very small girl. What she saw next made her jaw drop in astonishment, and she stood perfectly still to admire it.
Her brother stood there wearing an old little league cap with the back adjuster unhooked so that it would fit his head. The brim was pointed down and he was wearing his old baseball glove, that also was a bit too small, but he didn’t seem to care in the least. The laundry basket next to him was about half full of baseballs and there was a scattered pile of them which Lily assumed was the rest sitting next to Bill on the ground. She hadn’t witnessed this in many years, and the sheer size of her “little” brother was intimidating even with the equipment that was obviously too small on him. She let out a bit of a gasp as Jay’s knee started lifting up in front of him. “He never did master a good wind up, and had always preferred the stretch” she whispered out loud to herself. The knee came up almost to the point where it touched his chest, and he outstretched his arm behind him in a wingspan that Lily also noted had gotten huge. As his entire body wheeled over itself to launch the ball at Bill, Lily could have sworn that she heard a hiss before the earth shattering CRACK hit the glove. Bill was very lucky that he has some of the strongest hands from his years of boxing because that small glove would have ensured that most people’s hands would have been shattered with such force.
Bill jumped up to his feet, probably not as fast as most because his knees are a bit older these days, but he exuberantly yelled back to Jay, “That’s it kid! Like I tell ya, you are the real deal!” and then he dropped the baseball in the pile with the rest, as Lily slid open the back door.
Lily noticed it like it was a message from God, but her brother looked strait at her. At this point in Lily’s life it was still extremely peculiar to get any sort of response from her brother, much less the big smile, like a ten year old who just got a wonderful Christmas present. Tears were filling Lily’s eyes, but she walked towards Bill who smiled at her too. “He’s amazing isn’t he?” Bill then said to her, as she came closer. Lily simply nodded at him.
She had totally lost her voice, but something inside of her was growing. She had forgotten what it was like to see her brother alive like this, and part of her was starting to feel ashamed of that, as she had that Christmas day when she had made that promise to herself that she was going to take care of everything. She had gotten so wrapped up in being an adult at this point in her life that she had forgotten that she knew all along, how to reach out to her brother. Perhaps she had simply decided to herself that he wasn’t reaching back enough, but he broke the awkward silence by speaking. She had totally forgotten what his voice sounded like too, so it completely startled her. “Can we go to Applebee’s tonight?” and until recently there were two things in Jay’s life that were constant. He only ate at Applebee’s and from that day forward he would only pitch to Lily, who had decided the next day to let “the business folks” take care of the company, while her and her brother made up for lost time. Jay was alive when the two of them spent the next day at the Sports Authority getting every piece of baseball equipment that two shopping carts would hold, and Bill was happier to watch her catch his pitches because, though he will never admit it, Jay was really killing his hands. … to be continued

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2006 - Finale

2011-12-15T12:35:00.000-05:00

A Note About this Repost from the Madman Behind the Curtain - In this finale to Christmas countdown 2006, I had almost reclaimed some of my past glory, with about 12,000 hits originally. It was fun to actually make something up again that incorperated my humor in a way that my readers felt involved again. I didn't do much of that again aside from my rants when I was on CT, but I don't count that much. It was a bit of a de-evolution. Tomorrow I will release a new 2010 blog entry before I get into more best of, just to mix things up a bit. Thanks for reading .. Jeremy
Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2006 - Superdaddyman Saves Christmas - Part 3 {December 24, 2006}
After touch down of Air Force One, the Superdaddyman and The Terrorist Organization Known as the Evils’s hop off the plane to see the smoke of the Penguins secret fortress. It’s a bit nippy out but this is the sunny part of the year down here at least. “Stay with me gang we need to attack …” and before the sentence could be finished Captain ADHD and MiniEvil took off screaming towards the fortress. “Well so much for a sneak attack,” the Superdaddyman quipped as he started after them with Imtoocutus and Notsocutus right along side him, Lazius Boycrazius and Instagatorus Boycrazius lagging behind whining about it being too far. “When we get there you ladies all know your role while those two are creating the diversion!”
“What in the name of … Hey … Don’t touch THAT! … Where the hell did they go!!!!” comes echoing over the hill to the secret fortress as captain ADHD and MiniEvil use their blinding mastery of the Martial ADHD all over them. As the gang graces the top of the hill and looks past the mountain of mismatched socks they can see the little streaks of light flashing around the inside from the screaming around that the two of them are doing.
Down the hill goes running the Superdaddyman carrying the fiendishly evil Imtoocutus and Notsocutus {hey they are 6 they get sick of walking pretty fast} and they are at the bottom when they hear from back at the top of the hill, “Hey there’s my favorite sock!” come out of the mouth of Lazius Boycrazius and the pounding footsteps of a charging angry Teenager on the hill as she yells “Oh it is so on now Bitch!!” on her way past the Superdaddyman and the little evils’s. Istigatorus Boycrazius right behind her {you know followers at that age} screaming out obscenities of her own. Hell hath no fury like a couple of angry girls who lost their accessories and have realized it so “all of a sudden” as they go crashing through the door knocking it off of the hinges, “You sock stealing little Bitches, I’m going to …” and the rest was muffled out by the sounds of fists hitting penguin flesh. Boys might seem tough but there is nothing tougher than a 14 year old girl having a visit from her friend after all.
Upon entering the Fortress the leader of the wicked penguins points strait at Superdaddyman, “I knew only you could stoop this low Superdaddyman!!” he then deflects a blow from Lazius Boycrazius to start running towards the back door, just to have the way be blocked by Imtoocutus and Notsocutus. “What the hell are you two going to do to me, you’re the only two hear that are actually smaller than me and I don’t find either of you all that cute!” which was met with a “Why” by Imtoocustus. “Because I am evil!” the penguin leader responded which drew a “Why” from Notsocutus. “Because all penguins are … OUCH!” he screeches out as Instagatorus Boycrazius grabs him by the neck and Lazius Boycrazius starts scratching his face frantically. “Ok that’s it! Bring me the weapons!!!!” he yells out.
It was diabolical in its execution, but the penguins must have prepared for this. A gang of little penguins came from the other side of the door dragging an X-Box and wide screen which they set up against the wall which immediately turned the two chaotic blurs that were screaming around the room initiating chaos into mind numb zombies on the floor in front of it. The look of horror on Superdaddyman’s face told the whole story as he watched his own interrogation and sedation tactics being used against him! The next pile of penguins came out with large piles of designer clothes and shoes and tossed them on the floor. The two “enforcers” of the crowd were gone in a second and trying to pull the different clothes out of each other’s hands. When the penguins threw Chocolate into the pile Superdaddyman knew he was cooked because Imtoocutus and Notsocutus were off like a broken lightbulb too. “So Superdaddyclown,” the penguin leader begins, “I never thought it would be so easy to get you here and finally take care of our ‘other’ little problem at the same time!” he said right before a pile of penguins with bats started pummeling our Caped Pervader.
When he came to, the Superdaddyman found that he was tied to a rather large table. He can’t help but think how tacky this truly is, but that’s what you get for taking on a renegade gang of penguins after all. How in the name of God is Superdaddyman going to show his face at the PTA meetings again after enduring a very bad James Bond scene with a bit of Scooby Doo thrown in with it? “So what the hell do you think you’re going to do with me now Penguins?” the Superdaddyman yells out to the echoes of his own voice. “Do you expect me to talk?”
“Oh geeze Superdummyman! Who the hell is living in a James Bond movie now … Well No Superdaddydork I expect you to die” the penguin leader yells out with a huge tone of mockery in his voice. Superdaddyman looks at the ceiling in shock as he wonders how the penguin read his mind like that. “I read the script you idiot!” the penguin responds as if to his very thoughts.
“So then you know that you are going to torture me then?” the Superdaddyman exclaims. “You wouldn’t even think to stoop that low you diabolical piece of filth!” Superdaddyman then adds.
“Oh you bet I will, because I have resell rights on all of the video tapes!” the penguin yells back with a fiendish cackle, “and the torture scene alone is worth at least a million copies! I changed it around a bit because I didn’t like that whole ending with you being the hero and all. Of course being diabolically evil has it’s draw backs like thinking up stooped things to say so that I can talk your ear off, but then again that is how the ‘lesser’ evil doers get caught!” he claps his hands together and yells out “Commence with the torture!”
Superdaddyman lifts his head enough to see the door open across from him and a scantily clad brunette walk through it. The horror on Superdaddyman’s face can only mean one thing! It’s the Mother of all the Evils’s {MAE} and she has that look in her eye! She also happens to have the black thigh high stockings and the bustier that tells Superdaddyman that she means business too! It’s always been Superdaddyman’s Kryptonite to see a hot pair of legs in stockings, but this is beyond the type of torture that Superdaddyman can even handle. She’s doing that walk that gets him super hot too, as she gets that hot little grin when she sees {very very obviously from a bit south of the belly button} that her little strip show on the way to the table is working too! Oh the agony of those tight jeans that Superdaddyman had to wear in hopes that Condi would check out his ass … ACK! “You know you want to Superdaddyfool! And you know that she is going to punish you with every womanly way that she has … MUAHAHAHAHA!” the penguin barks out at Superdaddyman.
“Never!” Superdaddyman kind of squeaks instead of yells but after clearing his throat he continues, “I don’t want to taste the thousands of men that have touched her last week alone, and knowing her she has showered since 4000 men ago!” but of course it trails off as her silky toes start gliding along the Superdaddycalf. The agony of it all starts to be revealed in the face of the Superdaddyman as he turns his head and closes his eyes tight while biting his tongue.
BANG! The sound of a chunk of the roof being smashed in makes TME jump off of the Superdaddyman, and the thunderous noise of hoofs hit the ground. It’s RUDOLF!! And he is fucking PISSED! Contrary to what people have heard about Rudolf you see he isn’t exactly the cute and cuddly of all the reindeer. Quite the contrary actually since he was stopped for his third DWI back in the seventies he had to serve a few years in the pen where he lifted weights, and learned how to make a good shiv so he really is pretty bad ass. His nose is still red but then again the big Tribal tattoo on his shoulder kinda makes up for it. His immediate charge at the penguin leader knocks him and the table over and Rudolf keeps smashing through everything until the leader of the penguins is completely outside with Rudolf beating the ever loving crap out of him {as you would too if the last thing you remember was a bat by this clown against your head} and the rest of the penguins started funneling outside to try to break up the mêlée.
Superdaddyman was none to slow getting up and running for the back door when his hands were finally free. Once on the other side he saw the rest of the evils’s still droned out by their new things, except for the two little evils’s who had fallen asleep from all the excitement. Superdaddyman being no dummy decided that it was best to leave them all here until he got Santa as they probably are about ready to turn on him anyway, so he proceeded past the next door where Santa was tied up to a chair with one of those red balls in his mouth, and a black leather mask on. These penguins really are a suck bunch let me tell ya, but there were two penguins in here working Santa over still. Upon seeing the Superdaddyman they immediately started running towards him which was rather stupid because Superdaddyman simply moved and they went sliding out the door which Superdaddyman then closed behind them. The floors are ice after all.
Immediately Superdaddyman removed the mask and the red ball from Santa, and he just started yelling out, “Oh the things your ex wife did to me, and the smell!” his gagging for air as he was fighting to get his hands free while Superdaddyman untied his hands, “Geeze, she’s cute in that thong and all but I’d get her a shower for Christmas if she was ever a good girl. Blech!” he then grabs his hat and throws it on and bellows “Let’s get the hell out of here before I forget that I am a Saint!” as he then kicks in the door to where the Reindeer are being kept, “Come on guys we have to get all of those socks and remote controls and bring them back with us. We can’t let those little bastards win!”
Outside there was a big pile of penguins next to the big pile of socks. Rudolf was standing there with one leg raised urinating on the leader of the elves when Santa spoke up, “Rudolf! What have I told you about gloating?” Santa then looks over at one of the other elves and then adds “That’s just disgusting!”
The evils’s 8 million socks 3 million remote controls and Superdaddyman all squeezed into the sleigh quite easily as Santa does have the Lincoln Navigator of sleighs after all, and with that the Jolly Old Elf whips at the reins while the reindeer start running down the ice to a perfect take off. Superdaddyman is glad to get this over with and get back to Megalopolis, “it’s just a bit to warm down South here” he says to Santa as they both start chuckling. Santa has been lecturing the evils’s on the values of being naughty or nice, and it’s a good thing to see them stare at him like he’s an idiot as well, but the Superdaddyman couldn’t help but chuckle as Santa told them that he’s going to go easy on them this year because they whooped ass Santa Style ;8o)

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2006 - Part 2

2011-12-13T11:00:00.002-05:00

Meanwhile back in Megalopolis in the Superdaddycave everyone’s favorite Super Villain turned Crime fighter is tapping away at his faithful computer friend {probably writing porn the pervert} when the super secret red phone goes off on his desk. There is a look of bewilderment upon the face of the Superdaddyman as the dust is forming on that phone since the person who is usually on the other end has told the Superdaddyman once and for all that he wants to hear no more talk about the penguins which of course made the Superdaddyman assume that the world can have what it gets for being so ignorant to the plight of true evil! After the third annoying beep the Superdaddyman finally gives in and picks up the phone, “Hello Mr. President, to what do I owe this honor,” with a bit of sarcasm in his voice.

“Hey SD, this is Dubya,” the voice on the other end starts off with making the Superdaddyman have a bit of Déjà vu since he could have sworn he had already acknowledged that it was the President, “We have a serious emergency here that is in immediate need of your help. The ramifications of it threatens the very world as we know it, and I just want to be the first to say that you were right all along about the penguins!” which of course opened up the ears of the Caped Pervader a little more wide at this point. “The world is in great turmoil and we couldn’t think of anyone else to contact, but you see it appears that the penguins have kidnapped Santa …”

“Kidnapped Santa!” the Superdaddyman blurted out, “He’s one of the toughest Mo’s out there! How could they do that if he went all Santa Fu on their asses,” Superdaddyman paused a moment and then added, “It was their Christmas gift from me last year, I got a discount on the lessons.”

“I don’t know how it happened really, but I got a frantic call from Mrs. Claus and then organized the scrambling of Air Force One to come and get you. Condi is going to brief you on everything, and she is wearing a pantsuit so don’t think it’s another excuse to gawk at her legs, this is important stuff Superdaddyman!” the President takes a moment and then says, “I have to go because Spongebob Squarepants is coming on in a bit, but I want you to think about that old saying that ‘The enemy of my enemy is my friend’ because you are going to need all the help you can get in this one. Do it for your country and all of the little evils’s out there that are counting on you!” and with that the receiver on the phone clicked.

Superdaddyman sat sullen for a moment as he sat staring at the computer screen. He knew what the President meant, and he didn’t know if he was up for having to face two beasts in one evening, but the very fate of Christmas depended on him. More over, in this case in particular, the very enemy that he had been entrusted in protecting the people of Megalopolis from, without a doubt was the only hope to help save Santa. They are after all very big fans of Santa Claus themselves and probably would be able to put aside their petty differences with the Superdaddyman to help save Father Christmas, and then we all could part enemies once again to do battle another day. As the Superdaddyman opens his trusty communication device {AOL Instant Messenger} he sends out the call for a treaty negotiation and a “sit down” so that perhaps they can figure out what to do next, and then get over to the base to meet Air Force One even if Condi isn’t wearing a skirt.

“I’ve called you all here today to talk about combining our Super Powers to help the human race, and perhaps save Christmas,” the rumblings after the thought of saving the human race ended the moment saving Christmas had come out. “You see the penguins …” which brought Superdaddyman to a stop as the gang started hissing. Even The Terrorist Organization Known as the Evils’s {TOKE} has lost a favorite sock, or the remote control once or twice and is not too enamored with the evil Penguins at all, “You see the Penguins have kidnapped Santa Claus,”

Upon those words it was all that Captain ADHD {the diabolical mastermind behind TOKE} could take as he slammed his fist on the table “Those big Meanie Heads! If they think that they can get away with harming Santa, then I will get them!” which immediately had the rest of the TOKE brood making gestures of agreement immediately. The Superdaddyman is no dummy of course and finds it all to be a little too easy that his sworn enemies would so easily be persuaded to join forces with him, but it is Santa Claus after all.

“We will need all of you in on this to make the mission complete. Lazius Boycrazius and Instigatorus Boycrazius will be the muscle of the operation. Captain ADHD and Mini Evil will be in charge of the beguilement maneuvers. Imtoocutus and Notsocutus will be in charge of creating the cover of noise. You’re all in on this right because Air Force One is waiting for us on the other side of Megalopolis, and there will be no turning back once we get going?” which created the nod of agreement that starts the whole Quest to save the big guy we shall call Operation Save Christmas {OSC} and hopefully will succeed with hardly any casualties.

Walking onto Air Force One was a big deal to the Superdaddyman {he’s thinking that he can still get a view of Condi’s ass after all} and the evils’s of course just made a b-line for all of the most expensive looking things so that they could start tossing them around. The words of the Secretary of State were the first thing that Superdaddyman was greeted with as he walked into the living area of Air Force One, “Don’t stare at my ass either, this is an important mission and I don’t want you to get side tracked!” she immediately blurted out to the long face of Superdaddyman. “We’re going to get you to the South Pole and you all are going to take it from there. Um … why are you all wearing T-Shirts and jeans?” she looked them all over with a puzzled look on her face, “You do realize it is about 60 degrees below zero at the South Pole right?”

“That’s all, damn! Hey you guys get out your tank tops I thought it was going to be like Buffalo, but apparently it’s going to be a lot warmer,” the Superdaddyman yelled out to the back of the plane on deaf ears, as the evils’s were too busy breaking things and getting germs all over everything left intact. Once a terrorist always a terrorist, but the Superdaddyman looks back at Condi and says, “Now that that’s settled why don’t we sit over her and you can cross your legs and let me see a little ankle?” which gets a groan from the Secretary. “Fine we’ll do it your way, I’ll just sneak peeks at things when you aren’t looking, I was just trying to make it easy on you.”

“I don’t think you are capable of taking anything seriously are you?” she said and then decided to add, “Never mind, you’re going to the South Pole to foil a diabolical scheme by a bunch of penguins and save Santa Claus, I should get my head examined,” then she lifted up her pant leg to show Superdaddyman a little calf, “I will deny this if you tell anyone,” she then said under her breath as she walked by the Superdaddyman which of course got him hot … To be continued

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2006 - Part 1

2011-12-12T12:06:00.002-05:00

A Note About this Repost from the Madman Behind the Curtain - This as a few people know was a combination of many of my online worlds. The old world didn't completely get it, but in all fairness, there wasn't many of the old crowd reading it. For the two or three of you that read the story of my online existence you will remember the "Incredimail" phase, and one of my jokes that went on in those groups was that I would tell people that "Penguins were evil" every time someone posted a cute penguin. Later on I started making "Tux" graphics like the one above to get a laugh about the joke. A mostly new audience found these Christmas Countdown entries and were laughing pretty good about them in the groups. I hope you enjoy .. Jeremy

Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2006 - Superdaddyman Saves Christmas - Part 1 {December 22, 2006}

A long way from the North Pole in a different type of workshop at the farthest south place that anyone could possibly find themselves from the Jolly Old Elf of Christmas, past the mountain of unmatched socks lives the very Anti-Santa’s that plague the world while the ladies call them “cute!” It has been a long existence of one evil plot after another {which brings us back to all those socks that they had stolen from everyone’s dryers} which has brought them to this point, the very season of what shall be their most fiendish plot of all time, the very theft of Christmas itself! You all obviously know who I am talking about in this fiasco as the fiendish Penguins and their scheme to spread misery!

“364 days a year we do what is necessary to rob the human race of any joy! We steal one of their socks! We break into their cars and turn the volume to max for when they start it up! We even go as far as to make sure that the lid is always left up on their toilet seats, and all of their mayonnaise jars are too damn tight!” the head of the evil penguin gang rants. “No matter how hard we try, and how close we come, that fat asshole from up north goes around and gives out toys and joy and totally recharges all of the humans that we so dutifully tried to make miserable!” Of course it is without fail that the ranting penguin is being reassured by the other penguins around him. “This shall be our year! This will be the time that we have all waited for! I have the very plan that will take down the spirits of the entire human race once and for all!” he shouted while pounding his fist, and the “Ooo’s and Ahhh’s” of the other penguins. “We shall kidnap Santa Claus!”

The gasps from the crowd of penguins as they all look around the piles of remote controls that they have all stolen over the years, some tripping over piles of lost {ha ha} toys, when another penguin finally yells out, “I can make us elf disguises! He’ll never see us coming!” and the thunderous cheers from the rest of the Penguin hive echo out throughout the South Pole. “This plan can’t fail, and then I would love to see how those humans get all joyous without their hero Santa Claus!”

The penguins started furiously working on their “less than thought out” plan, but that is how penguins operate after all. The penguins in the sweat shops started slaving over their sewing machines that they haven’t used since they tried the whole Leprechaun scandal in Ireland, but this time they are taking to it with a renewed vigor. They sewed up the little hats, and the little green jackets, and the little brown pants. To finish off the whole costume they even made little red noses and big pointy ears {because penguins don’t have ears silly} so they could disguise themselves as elves. They are a rascally lot those fiendish little penguins. They never even considered the thought of getting to the North Pole because as we all know as we have checked our dryers and scurried to change the volume on our car stereos that the Penguins have their ways of getting around. Upon completion and sizing they all stood around donning their rather sad looking elves costumes and the leader of the penguin clan read from a checklist that one of the other penguins had compiled while they organized the dastardly plot.

The penguin shouted out “Milk?” to which one of the voices in the crowd replied with a check, “Cookies?” which also received the same reply. “What the hell is the carrot for anyway?”

“That nosey little bastard Rudolf likes those I hear!” shouted out a voice in the back which had all of the penguins chattering in agreement, “The last thing we want is that stupid nose of his going off when we are corning in on the fat man do we?”

“We all know the hard part is going to be getting that old jerk here, has anyone thought about the transportation scenario?” which had him looking back and forth throughout the crowd of dumbfounded penguins. Looking around some more he finally gets that look on his face, you know the one that shows the pure evil that penguins truly are comprised of, “I have the perfect way of getting that big red oaf here, so one of you guys get me the bottle of Vodka!”

Meanwhile back at the North Pole the Jolly Old Elf himself was frantically walking back and forth checking his list and then of course checking it again. He picks up a toy here and he picks up a toy there, and the elves are running around frantically trying to get the toys finished because after all Christmas is only 4 days away. It’s crunch time in the land of Joy and Holly, and none of the Elves that hang out in this pole would ever want to let the children down. As they were running hilly nilly, the sound of a gigantic whistle goes off, and the elves all put down what they are working on. Santa’s Shop is not like the shop of the evil Penguins after all as they all have Union cards. Many of them start pulling out their smokes, and others start heading toward the coffee machine, but for the most part they all leave the workshop about as fast as they were working a minute or so previous. Santa being management keeps checking his list, and of course again while looking at toys. After about 15 minutes the whistle goes off again, and the elves start sauntering back in, and start taking up positions around the shop.

“Pipkin? What happened to the Barbie Doll for that little girl in Abu Dhabi?” but after no response for a minute or so, he walks over and taps the elf on the shoulder. “Pipkin? The Barbi Doll?”

“Uh ..” the little elf looked at Santa with vacant eyes, and then starts up again, “Um … I lost it,” and then looked away really quickly before Santa could get a good look at him, and then he tried to wander away.

“Pipkin? Are you feeling ok? Your voice sounds pretty strange.” Santa asked the elf as he tried to walk away but the only thing he heard in return was from someone behind him, that yelled out “Fuck this … Get HIM!!” and he felt a pig pile of little elves pounce on him.

Now most people of course don’t realize {which means that penguins are probably less likely to realize} that Santa is a pretty tough Mo. You try lugging around billions of toys each year without getting a bit muscled, and with that Santa stood up and started throwing penguins everywhere. “You little assholes! I knew you penguins couldn’t go for long without trying to screw with the Claus!” With that he kicked another one strait in the nuts. “Time for Santa to get all North End on your wicked little asses!” Santa then grabbed another one and threw him square into the wall before the penguin leader hits him over the head with a baseball bat.

“That’s the problem with these humans, they never shut up!” the leader of the penguins yells out as he stands on Santa. “Have you guys got the transportation all set?”

“Yeah boss, the reindeer are trashed. They couldn’t even make it through that whole bottle of Smirnoff, I was thinking about taking advantage of Blitzen, God did SHE get the right name ….”

“Look I don’t want to hear about it, just drag Santa to the Slay and lets fly his sad ass back to the South Pole!” barked out the leader of the penguins. The scurrying penguins came back to life for the moment as they began to drag Santa to his own sleigh where eight drunken reindeers were laughing about the penguins dragging Santa Clause. Rudolf was laying there knocked unconscious {look at that red nose and tell me that he doesn’t have quite the tolerance to booze … he’s practically a Kennedy!} and seeing little stars.

When the elves finally recovered from their own throttling they ran to get Mrs. Clause who was out getting a facial, and a pedicure, and was not very happy as the elves came barging in during her mango scrub, “You mean to tell me that those penguins from down south kidnapped Santa?” she exclaimed with a bit of disbelief, “Didn’t he go all Santa-Fu all over them?” she then added as she remembered all of the classes that they got from a friend last year.

“Oh he was all Mid-Evil Santa on them Mrs. C, like back when he wore white and kinda looked like Gandalf from The Lord of the Rings movies, but one of them whacked him with a bat like they did to all of us!” the elf exclaimed to her, as he watched her reach into her bag to grab her cell phone. “Um … Ok … like they did to one of us and the rest fainted,” he then added after her stern glance.

“Yes this is Mrs. Clause up at the North Pole, and we have an emergency here. Santa’s been kidnapped by those damn penguins, and we are going to need the best of the best. I need you to get me Superdaddyman!” …. To be continued …

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2005 - Finale

2011-12-11T10:17:00.001-05:00

A Note About this Repost from the Madman Behind the Curtain - As I had said before this was the biggest mainstream online community blog I had ever done. This blog entry also suffers from another problem. Of all the entries I ever posted this is the only one that never survived my Exodus from Myspace to my own blog site. A lot of people didn't notice when I re-wrote it in a monster hurry in 2006, but a few did. I wasn't satisfired with the rewrite as I shouldn't have been. In this entry I try to rewrite it better, and for truth in advertising, you can see the original rewrite here. The other thing that needs to be pointed out is that one of my greatest inspirations for writing over the years was featured as the third ghost in this entry. Her name was Elonna Rochelle and unfortunately a few years back she was taken from this world and brought to a better one. I always make sure that anyone reading this entry understands how important to me and many other people online she was, and how horribly we all miss her. This is for you my twisted friend from Oklahoma, and now from heaven above .. Jeremy

Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2005 - The Jeremy Crow Christmas Carol - Part 3 {December 24, 2005}

Awoken once again Jeremy Scrooge heard nothing at all but felt a long lick across his face , and jumped up startled to see a ghost all dressed in leather and holding a riding crop. "I take it you must be the ghost of Christmas yet to come huh?" said a still very startled Jeremy Scrooge. He wasn't startled enough to NOT grab the riding crop out of the Ghosts hands.

"Oh bitch, you did not just do that?" the ghost said to him and then got a very evil grin on her face, "I kinda like a man that takes control though, are you going to spank me now, I've been so damn bad after all?" and she turned to show Jeremy Scrooge her ass, while wiggling it playfully.

"Oh boy, you're going to be a real hoot, I see. How's about you give me a name and then we can go about this evening, and then I can get Christmas over with ok?" Jeremy Scrooge said with his usual lack of humor, "That Lynn ghost that over-emphasizes everything already told me that you were coming" but to be more to the point that part of the nightmare was more along the lines of someone yelling every fourth word at him.

"Oh Geeze, you should hear her on the phone, she is pure death on your ears, um ... Oh yeah my name is Elonna, but you can call me mistress, so put on this leash and I will walk you through your ..." she stopped short and looked at the obviously cross looking Jeremy Scrooge, "Ok fine, I'll wear the leash, but how do you know how to get there?" again she looked at Jeremy Scrooge and grabbed his hand, "Tight Ass, not that that's a bad thing" and then she licked him on the face again before they disappeared.

The scene was very familiar as Jeremy Scrooge could see himself sitting over in the chair in the corner that Greektradgedius once sat in. His hair was as grey as hers once was, and he figured he would go without the question and answer about what happened to her, as he could tell by his own hair that more years than what she had had passed, and even felt himself a bit sad about it. There was a frantic knocking at the door, like someone on the other end was more trying to annoy than enter. Popping in the door was a little evil, that had somehow transformed into a college aged evil, and the clatter around the room made Jeremy Crow very aware that she was late, and this was normal. She still had the dimples and the chipmunkish voice, although a bit deeper, and somewhat easier to understand. A beautiful little thing to even rival the last two ghosts that had invaded the life of the current Jeremy Crow, she still had a flair for the dramatic, as she ran right over to the older Jeremy Scrooge, and gave him a hug and a peck on the cheek, "Sorry daddy, but you know how the traffic is this time of the year!"

Ane equally beautiful woman who could only be Big evil came out of the kitchen to greet her little sister, and give her a breif scolding for being just late enough to avoid helping with the cooking. Her apron was quite matronly and the current day Jeremy Crow was more than slightly amused as he had more than once pictured her to be a nesting influence in the years to come. This sort of confirmed it, but it was the most peculiar sight around her legs, that immediately grabbed his attention, as Jeremy Scrooge finally gazed upon the littlest evil of them all. She was cute as a button, and for the life of Jeremy Scrooge he couldn't even remember any of his evils's ever being this small at all. Even with the glowing examples of what his evils's had been like in Christmas' past this one still stood out as being so tiny and so cute, that it could only mean one thing and started welling up his eyes.

Shaking off the sentimentality as fast as he possibly could, Jeremy Scrooge finally belted out “Why did they all come to my house? I would have thought that I would have a life by now, and they would have all been gone, and where is Middle Evil?” the demanding tones in his voice made the Elonna Ghost chuckle, at his requests for information. "I figured they would be living with me until the end of time, and what about me? Don't I ever get to have a life after giving up my best years for all of this?"

“What do I look like an encyclopedia?” the Elonna ghost belted back at him. "You know, you're kinda hot when you are crabby, but you do need to let up a bit!" and after a few moments of looking at Jeremy Scrooge’s face scowling at her, she started in again with, “Look, this ain’t your house sugar, you gave it to Big Evil and her husband, when you and your wife got a little place of your own, a little ways away from here. Hell your wife went off to be with her family while you came here, and I’ll tell you, that talk she gave you about having 358 days a year together so missing each other for 7 being a snap was sweeter than … um … this … well .. um … that actually ties into that life part you talked about anyways. You didn’t think you were going to be alone forever did ya? Middle evil is in the Air Force and he is flying jets just like YOU always told him he could, and this year was his year on, but you saw him last month,” after looking around curiously, she added, “You actually thought you were gonna get out of coming here this year till that sweet lil Angel there called you up, crying because she didn’t know how to make breakfast and said ‘I’m too Yiddle bumpa’ .. oh man ya big softie you” she said right before she licked his face again.

By this time Jeremy Scrooge wasn’t actually listening to Elonna Ghost anymore, as he was simply staring at the Really Little Evil. She entertained everyone, and tried to steal everyone’s attention, who were talking to others. The whole time she was playing hostess to everyone, she was holding on to the pant leg of her grandfather, as if she was afraid he was going to leave. Even the current day Jeremy Scrooge knew that that probably wasn't going to happen too easily with this little elf clutching on to him. Little Evil then started handing out everyone’s presents as she has for the last 16 years or so, and when the other Jeremy Scrooge sits down Really Little evil takes up her place between his feet on the floor. The younger Jeremy Scrooge stands there fascinated by what is happening as the first gift gets to Really Little Evil, and she starts tearing off the wrappings. The tears already started pouring out of his eyes as he remembered the last two evil's unwrapping their gifts.

“A BOX A BOX …. LOOK BUMPA I GOT A BOX,” and she starts running around like a little lunatic waving her box in the air for everyone to see. It was after all the greatest box that anyone had ever gotten. She does the whole tour, showing her box to everyone that had gathered in the house, and when she is worn out from her little adventure running around she leaps into her grandfather’s lap, and gives him a hug after dropping the greatest box she had ever gotten.

“Well you see baby girl, the gift is inside of the box, and you need …” started the older Scrooge in a kind sounding voice, as the Younger Scrooge feels a hand on his shoulder, and he tries to pull away with tears in his eyes. The Elonna Ghost, although sympathetic knew that, as her supervisor Lynn had promised did her job quite well already. The current day Jeremy Scrooge found himself reaching out to grasp onto almost anything as the room slowly starts to fade away, and it gets dark.

When Jeremy Scrooge awakens at his desk he wiggles his mouse to see that it says that it is only 6 am December 25th on his computer, and there are dozens of Christmas cards from his friends waiting in his e-mail box on the desktop. The overwhelming fear that he had slept through Christmas was all around him, which was a far cry from the constant day dreaming that he WOULD {damn Lynn Ghost} sleep strait through Christmas. Somehow he managed to delete everything he was writing, while most likely rolling his head around on the keyboard. Sitting straighter up he see’s the very first card on the desktop and immediately like a little lightbulb had appeared over his head he grabs the phone. Dialing the phone he listens to it ring a few times …. “Merry Christmas Lori” he says into the phone “No I just wanted to see how everything went with your kids yesterday ….. Good good ….. no I am going to wake the kids up in a little bit …… well yeah I am amazed that they can sleep in on Christmas day too, but I think they are content is all …… well actually it’s all about the kids yanno, I learned that from my dad ……” ;8o)

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2005 - Part 2

2011-12-10T10:25:00.001-05:00

So again the noise from inside the little room of the blogging computer was filled with the alarming noise of clattering, and jumbling around, as Jeremy Scrooge awakens to see a very beautiful young Ghost standing there watching him sleep. “Me sorry for waking you sweets, but I am the Ghost of Christmas Presents!!! Yeah, I like being that one … but um … you can call me Twinks”, her smiling little face was almost as sickening as the one of Pegahoot from the daytime, as her sunny disposition was pure wolfs bane to a crabby man like Jeremy Crow.

“I’m sure that in all of the cliché’ you mean of Christmas Present, little miss?” said the whicked miser from his perch at the desk.

“Well if that’s how you see it, then I shall bring back all of the stuff I bought you then” she said with a giggle and stuck out her tongue at him, before she want back to walking around the room touching everything. “Hey SCROOOOOOGE wotcha hiding in this here box” she says with a twang of Texan in her.

“I would think that barging into a person’s home and touching his things would be against ‘haunting policy’ miss, and I will thank you to put my things down … you’re like a little kid!” he said as he jumped out of his seat and took the box away from her and put it back on the shelf. He then turned around to see her playing with his stuffed animals on his guest bed, “Excuse me?”

“Sorry, I’m a union Ghost, so I am on my cappuccino break, check back with me in 10 kk?” she said and started to giggle as she picked up Curious George, “I bet your kids love this one eh Sweets? … Oh lookie over here pictures …”

“Ok … so where are YOU taking me?” the now quite un-amused Jeremy Scrooge barked out at her, but she seemed to take no notice as she started thumbing through his picture albums. “Excuse me, you kinda seem to be a little lost in all of this … Miss Twinks did you call yourself?” he said while trying not to smile as the things she does really can be quite charming.

“Oh no, no , no, I happen to know exactly where I am, I am in your study at the moment, but I assure you when I get lost, I can simply disappear, I am a ghost … um … yanno? Is that what you say?” she giggled and went back to thumbing through his pictures, and right when Jeremy Scrooge was about to grab the pictures away from him she held one up right in front of his face “Who’s she?”

“Um … that would be my ex wife, she left last Christmas you see,” he said rather remorsefully.

“So is she the mother of your kids? … um wait .. she can’t be she’s pretty young huh huh huh?” and with that he saw where the name Twinks comes from as a twinkle lit up in her eyes.

“No she was my last wife, and not the one who is the mother of the kids, she acted more like a mother to them then their own actually, so as you can see in the pictures it gets confusing at times, but …”

“But she left too, and you add that as another one of those things that you use to hate the holidays … You aren’t very good at this whole secrecy thing … yanno?” and with that she put the pictures down and grabbed Jeremy Scrooge’s hand “Don’t worry, I won’t bite sweets, unless you touch my toes, then all bets are off” and the second she winked at him the scenery changed, and they were surrounded by people in the living room upstairs.

The Scenery was pretty much the same, just minus all of the in-laws that were in this location the year previous. A frazzled man who looks quite older than the one that we had looked upon in the past Christmas scenes is running around waiting on 3 kids a Grandmother, 3 of her 70 something year old friends, his Aunt, her fiancé, and her two children, while they all bitch. The scene isn’t the happiest thing on Earth, but it seems to be going along the normal routines if you look at it the way it is working out.

“I hate those two yanno, my cousins, since my Aunt came back from her ivory tower that her ex husband had her locked away in for 20 years those two have been here to take any joy possible out of Christmas,” said Jeremy Scrooge with a glint of anger in his eye “Both years that I was without my kids on Christmas those two, made sure that I didn’t have Christmas at all!” he garbled out.

“How did they do that sweets, they look perfectly fine sitting over there?” was the response from the Twinkly Ghost as she started playing around with the things on top of the TV set.

“My first Christmas without the kids my Grandmother nagged me to go to my Aunts for Christmas dinner, and I had promised to go to the Crisis Center to put on the AA meeting because everyone else was out of town, it started at 7:30 pm so I had to leave by 7. It was all simple they promised me, as they would be eating at 5” Jeremy Scrooge stops for a second to grab a family portrait out of the Twinkly Ghosts hands and place it back on the TV “As they always do they called up to say they would be late, and I reminded them every 20 minutes that I had to leave, and I hadn’t eaten. Promises, made about making sure I eat before I go. Time ticked until it was finally 6:30, and I was actually getting pretty angry, and it was Christmas night, so nothing was open for me to eat on the way. They had the nerve to get angry at ME for not abandoning the people at the shelter that night, and when my Aunt was finally going to put food down for me at 6:45, and they showed up, and demanded that she make them drinks. I slammed the door pretty hard on the way out, and swore that I would NEVER let any of them ruin another holiday!

“Years I spent from that point on making enemies of the family, because I refused to go to family gatherings hosted by my aunt, because it has always led to complete and utter disappointment in the past, and look at what it earned me. They all sit here while I wait on them … ACK!” and as he looks at the Twinkly Ghost, he starts to ramble a bit, “Are you crying, why are you crying, this isn’t very sad?”

“I just hate to hear stories that sound so sad, I mean look at everyone here, they seem to be enjoying themselves, and you are simply doing whatever it takes to kill time. I mean don’t you ever take a second to enjoy what you have at the moment?” she said in a sweet voice, and it forced Jeremy Scrooge to look around and wonder about it for a moment, “You look like you don’t want to be here, but here is what you got, you could just make the most of it yanno?” and she sniffled back a tear, just before a loud boom and a puff of smoke opened up in the background. Nobody seemed to notice it except Jeremy Scrooge, and Twinks, who then added “Uh Oh, it’s the boss, just look remorseful, I already got a written warning this month and I need the benefits sweets!”

There in the cloud of smoke stood a beautiful brunette which made Jeremy Scrooge jump back a bit, and forced the Twinkly Ghost to say, “She isn’t that scary, sweets, she just likes to make a grand entrance, come on stop cowering”

The Ghost boss started to speak, “Twinks, how many times do I have to tell you, to stop playing with everything when you haunt someone, you AREN’T Santa Claus, so you DO have a schedule to KEEP … and what is he doing COWERING behind you, will YOU show some DIGNITY and stand up … Look my name is Lynn and I run the Ghost dispatch … stand up!” and she stood there looking at Jeremy Scrooge as the word Lynn seemed to change his stance a bit.

“Sorry, but you looked like my second wife, and she always has a habit of just appearing when I need to be kicked … um … might I say that this Twinks here is doing a wonderful job, and she has actually changed me around quite a bit, I am thinking all happy puppies and other various cute and furry things right now …”

The Lynn Ghost cut him off and said “Hey look man I am a GHOST … I am not STUPID, and I have been trained by a black belt in AA to see through BULLSH*T, um … well unless I happen to like the sound of the BS then I might play for a while, but YOU aren’t in the least bit mortified in YOUR behavior AT ALL are YOU?”

Looking at the Twinkly Ghost Jeremy Scrooge says “Does she always emphasize everything like that?” which gets immediate nods from Twinks, and a laugh from Lynn Ghost, as well, “Um well … ah … no … I actually happen to be quite famous for sitting in my own piles, it happens to be quite warm and comfortable to me you see …”

The Lynn Ghost again cuts him off and replies, “But it starts to STINK after a while and the FLIES are MURDER, but I can see where you are at, I’ve been there quite a bit in my days. I shall have to PULL OUT all of the stops with YOU Mr. Scrooge. Twinks, take him back, I am going to call in a special favor and get the … GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME!!!”

“Thank God I might add, it’s bad enough to have to watch those little bastards spilling food on the carpet and ignoring it when I can clean it up, but while standing here all invisible, it is pure torture!” Jeremy Scrooge stated as he reached for the hand of Twinks.

She says back, as she takes his hand “Awww sweets, they are just kids!”

“I was talking about my a-hole cousins ….” Was the last thing that you heard from the mouth of Jeremy Scrooge in this setting as the two of them vanished … To Be Continued ;8o)

Christmas Countdown Past - From 2005 - Part 1

2011-12-09T11:03:00.004-05:00

A Note About this Repost from the Madman Behind the Curtain - This is a repost of the three part story that led up to the finale of my first ever Christmas Countdown back in 2005 {December 22 to be exact} and was originally posted on Myspace. I like to go back and remember where I was at the time, and when I had posted this blog entry I had been banned from Yahoo, but was topping the blog lists on Myspace and didn't much care. The finale of this three part series, was the biggest blog entry I had ever did. It had over 20,000 hits originally, and kinda debunks my theory that porn was what sold. In this case it was a great love for my online friends at the time. For anyone that only remembers the bad times, I just want you to enjoy these three blog entries, and remember that I had my good spots and I had some wonderful friends, who blended into my world beautifully. For those that weren't around at the time, welcome to my world.

I had for the most part given up on the Mental Notes blogs for my political, health and tech pursuits as of late but figured I should at least keep the Christmas Countdown tradition going for one more year. Maybe more, who knows .. Jeremy

Repost From The Christmas Countdown 2005 - The Jeremy Crow Christmas Carol - Part 1 {December 22, 2005}

A long, long time ago, in a land that isn’t too far away from this one there lived a crabby old miser, who went by the name of Jeremy Scrooge. He was a mean {ok we ain’t saying old} mean man, with absolutely no love in his heart for anything that had to do with Christmas. His story is not dissimilar to those of many others, but mean Jeremy Scrooge had a tale, like any of us as well, and here is how it goes … The scene plays out with the knocking at the door, and Scrooge sitting at his PC hacking away at his latest blog entry …

“Who’s there to disturb me while I am hard at work to create the next masterpiece of blog nirvana?” said a very crabby Scrooge, who peered up from his keyboard at the door to his office.

“It’s me sir, Don McCratchet, and I have a favor to ask of you, sir,” was the words that came from behind the door. As usual Scrooge simply ratta tatted away at his keyboard pretending nothing was said, but Don simply opened the door and peered inside to the cold stare of Scrooge, “I was hoping with tomorrow being Christmas and all, that I could spend the day with my wife Cathy, and Tiny Daniel, who has been sick with a cold from his half naked head, sir?” still Scrooge stared at McCratchet with the icy stare of evil, “I can catch up on all of those funny blog comments the day after sir, I promise.”

Loathing, on his face, and a scowl upon his lips Jeremy Scrooge looked upon his faithful side kick in the war against boredom and said “Christmas! Humbug Yanno! Since I imagine that you will be no good to me with your mind elsewhere anyway McCratchet then I guess it is alright, but you better be working at those comments twice as hard on Monday, or there will be hell too pay!” and with that he was back to typing a blog about staring at QT’s in the town square.

“Oh thank you Mr. Scrooge, and a Merry Christmas to you sir” said a jubilant Don McCratchet, as he scuttled from the room. He wasn’t even there to hear the foul language that came from Scrooge’s mouth, and I won’t go into that here as this is a G rated blog today you see.

The knock on the door was from an old and dear friend, and she didn’t even bother to knock, as she already knew what that would yield. “Helloooo Scrooge my old friend. I was just on my way by and I wanted to extend my invitation to my house to share Christmas day with Sean and the kids, and you know we would love you to be there,” and that smile … to Jeremy Scrooge it was like vinegar in your eyeballs, as he pretended not to hear her, and go about his work, “I SAY, IF YOU ARE …”

“I bloody heard you the first time, and stop acting like I am deaf, my time is my own, and I think that Christmas is for fools and idiots, and I fear Miss Pegahoot, that I am going to be busy doing things like writing, so I bid you good day!” which wasn’t much of a deterrent as she just stood there smiling at Jeremy Scrooge and you can see how it bristles him so.

“Well, I just wanted you to know that there are people who love you, you old curmudgeon, despite your less than sunny disposition. You don’t want to end up like your old friend Punkin, all lost in the nether of Blogdom as she had given up on her own gifts, and denied the …”

“You leave her out of this, a finer partner in crime there will never be and I don’t want to hear you speak another word, now GOOD DAY!” said Mr Scrooge as he walked her to the door personally this time with his hand guiding her. The smile never left her face, and you know how Scrooge hates that, but he loves to be alone and that he finally has again, so he sits himself back at his keyboard, and begins to fret away again some more.

The time passes quickly, and the writing never actually finishes, and the time starts to drag into the time after and the time before. Jeremy Scrooge never actually knows when his eyes start to become to heavy to stay up, but they do, and he goes, and the next thing you know, there is a knocking at the door. Startled awake, Scrooge sits strait up in his chair, and bellows to the door “Be gone tonight, it is 11:45, and there is no need to peddle your wares here at this hour!” but the look on his face changes as he sees the ghostly form of his old friend Punkin coming through the door without it actually being open “What are you doing here, and how did you get through that door, the last time I checked you are not dead?” a very startled Jeremy Scrooge echoed out …

“Don’t ask me, it’s your dream, and to be honest with you, I am just happy you don’t have me in a nurses outfit, hanging out with you in a restaurant, you’re dreams are kinda famous after all,” and she stood there looking like a drum roll was supposed to be forthcoming … “Ok .. fine, I came here to tell you that there are gonna be 3 ghosts coming here tonight, and they are going to tell you off pretty good, you and all your stupid humbug crap. Look at me, I just got out of the hospital, and you don’t see me acting like a sad little girl do ya?” and then very faintly under her breath you could here her say “anymore” and then start coughing in a funny sort of way, which did not inspire, Jeremy Scrooge to laugh a bit. “Ok fine put me on Iggy Mr. but I have your IM and the other Ghosts do too, so you better start listening,” and with that she turned around and started floating away, until she smacked strait into the door, “Ha Ha, very funny,” she proclaimed while looking upward, and you could here a kind of giggle coming from the sky, but she opened the door and walked through it, as fate is an untrustworthy bastard sometimes.

Jeremy Scrooge of course starts talking to himself, as he often does “Damn Ghosts IMing me, trying to cheer me up, I’ll do what I want when I want …. To … whoa … sleepy ….” And with that he trailed off into yet another fit of sleep, just to be woken again 5 minutes later by very loud giggling, and a beautiful blonde ghost standing in front of him.

“Hi Love, I am the Ghost of Christmas past, but you can call me Flirty, I was sent here because I used to live in your town and story has it that I am the only attractive woman you never noticed, so I am here to dance and act silly until you see me now!” and she does the most adorable spin which comes pretty damn close to making Jeremy Scrooge smile, “Ok, I thought I’d try that one, but really I am here to take you back in time to show you some things you might not have been paying attention to the first time around, all you need to do is take my hand,” and with that the beautiful young ghost reaches out her hand to him, but then adds “and no funny business Mr. I heard about you, through something called a blog.”

Upon touching the Flirty Ghosts hand Jeremy Scrooge was transported back several years to a time he had almost forgotten, it was a trailer home with a 3 foot tree all decorated with popcorn and cranberries, and around it stood a beautiful young woman holding a small child, and a young girl standing next to her. The tree had no lights on it, but around it were many presents all wrapped in various ways. Some of them were big, some small, some wrapped rather neat, others rather sloppy, but they all had names on them. Some said “Big Evil”, some said “Mother of All Evils’s” the bulk of them said “Middle Evil” and there were even a few that said “Superdaddyman” and with that the face on Jeremy Scrooge lit up with glee, as he said “I remember this Christmas like it was yesterday, it was the first Christmas that Middle Evil was old enough to know what Christmas even was” and the Flirty Ghost simply nodded at him and pointed to the little boy who could barely walk as he opened up his first present …

“A box! A BOX!!! Look daddy I got a BOX!!” the little boy yelled as he ran around in circles, and started dancing and laughing. It was so obvious that he didn’t even know that the gift was inside the box, but he was so excited over just getting a box that the man sitting over in the chair that looked half dead from working 6o plus hours a week sat up and started laughing, and held out his arms until the little boy went running into them for a big bear hug.

“That was me!” Jeremy Scrooge yelled out “Oh BooBoo, come here, don’t you see your father?” Jeremy Scrooge yelled out to the little boy, who didn’t hear or see him.

“That man on the chair over there is his father, Mr. Scrooge. That man who used to do anything to see his children playing and laughing. The man who used to be you …” The Flirty Ghost said to a very soulful looking Jeremy Scrooge who simply looked back at her.

“We’re only going to have one more Christmas together as a family after this,” Jeremy Scrooge says to the Flirty Ghost, who gives him a stern look in response, but he continues “This was actually one of my happiest Christmas memories, why would you haunt me with one of my very few, for I know you are not going to let me stay here, your cruelty is horrible, and I want to be gone from this memory” and with that the Ghost takes his hand and they reappear in the very home that Jeremy Scrooge lives in now.

Gathered around this 8 foot tall brilliantly decorated tree, are now three evils’s as there is a third “Little Evil” who is barely two years old, while Middle Evil dances around handing out gifts from the pile of presents that is stacked over 4 feet high, and 6 feet across. At 4 years old he is already an accomplished reader, and he is actually the only child in his preschool class that can read. The little evil is having the first real Christmas that she can actually remember, and when she opens her first gift and starts running around frantically yelling “Daddy, daddy I got a BOX, look a box!!” in her little Minnie Mouse voice, the man standing next to the Ghost starts to laugh, and Jeremy Scrooge peers around him to see himself 4 years ago, laughing, and enjoying the company of his kids.

“You never would have known that I was in court 4 days before today, fighting my ex-wife’s second appeal to get the children back, and the kids knew nothing. I invited her to be here but she was so furious at me she refused,” Jeremy Scrooge said to the Flirty Ghost standing next to him, “The kids up until now had never actually gotten more than a few cheap presents, and a bunch of family’s fighting, I went out and got a loan against my taxes so that I could spoil them rotten this year,” and as the two of them looked around you could see nothing but beautifully jubilant children dancing and opening gifts, and you could hear Christmas music playing, but the most noticeable thing you could see was the man sitting in the chair in the corner, and the little girl on his lap as he is still trying to explain to her that the gift is inside the box, while fighting off his own laughter.

“You know we can’t stay here either J~ and we have to get back to the present, you still have two more of my friends coming to see you, before the night is over” and the Flirty Ghost reached out her hand as Jeremy Scrooge tried ever so hard to avoid it, you could see how he desperately wanted to stay here, and alas he could not, as the hand of the Ghost finally found his shoulder … To Be Continued ;8o)

Dieting for Dummies and Smarties Too - Volume 1

2011-08-08T15:29:00.000-04:00

The diet days of summer. Realistically I wouldn’t be dieting right now, I would be enjoying the fruits of already being down to my cut up weight in the 170s but I just didn’t hit my stride properly and now I have spent the summer catching up. This time last year I was hovering around 171 and looking sharp as I had been since the end of June. As I write this today I was around 178 and looking pretty damn good in my own rights, but not exactly thrilled with myself all the same.

Here’s what is at issue with me and why I figured I would write this up, but I live with a bunch of people that have no desire to eat well. That’s probably not exactly correct, they THINK they eat well, but they don’t and grazing on what they leave for me to eat is my problem. Throw in the fact that single fatherhood has left me with an irrational fear of throwing out food, and you have disaster. While they don’t eat well they make too much food and will never again eat it themselves. Part of my diet has been throwing away the food {which gives me withdrawals trust me} and not allowing them to think it disappeared because I liked it. In itself it would sound mean but it is a vicious cycle that has to be stopped and denial is not a great way to live.

Here are a list of my “trouble foods” and how I am dealing with them. You will have to figure out your own trouble foods and then try to see a trend and follow it. First and foremost are hot dogs. I love me some hot dogs, which is a bane in this house. They will cook hot dogs and cheeseburgers twice a week and leave a dozen or so in the refrigerator until I eat them. I desperately want them every time I open the fridge, and in the end it is smarter to just throw them in the trash. It is a learning process for all of us as I hate throwing away the food, and they nail a cross in the front yard to hang themselves on because it makes me an unappreciative prick. Don’t fool yourselves, but people that make sure all you have to look at is bad for you food are like a bucket of crabs dragging you back down in the bucket with them every time you try to crawl out. They also like to be martyrs for the stupidest shit so ignore them as they start pounding the cross in the front yard too.

Next there are the seventeen varieties of cookies that have to pollute every single space of cupboards. They are “for the kids” and it is unfair for a meanie head like myself to thing that a cupboard should hold things like oatmeal, or ricecakes or something that tastes like crap but doesn’t make me hate myself when I eat them. In the end I can tell you that “the kids” eat hardly any of these cookies, it is just a bushwah {New England word, learn it love it} to do the wrong things in the name of martyrdom as well. I can avoid the cookies but I miss having no room for healthy stuff. Then you have all the damn macaroni and cheese that comes in a nice little box and realistically should have just enough to feed everyone and no leftovers. Yeah well there is always about 3 lbs of the high fat low nutritional crap sitting in the fridge until I throw it away too.

I counter these things with healthier stuff, and of course where most of my money goes towards things that are inevitably inedible while you are on a diet, but also expensive when you have to throw it all away, it is hard to pay premium dollars for the healthy stuff I want. Here’s where I improvise a bit and I am pretty fortunate that I have a degree in nutrition. Even if it doesn’t always hit me right how to get the right foods into myself, or I have a lack of time to do so I have learned how to make my own drinks and bars. In a perfect world we should all be able to take one of those MRP {Meal Replacement Packs} that usually cost about 3 dollars each if you buy them in bulk, but then again I never have 100 dollars to plunk down on them. I’m also too cheap to pay around 4 dollars each for them when I buy them 40 dollars at a time. Technically 3 to 4 dollars for a complete meal is pretty cheap but I have to augment them further because 300 calorie meals don’t cut it for me, as I am a bodybuilder for all intensive purposes. This is where my ingenuity and stinginess comes in handy, because I just make my own.

To make your own MRPs you really just need two things, protein, carbohydrates and a diet pill. The right types of these things are the hard part and here is where the ingenuity comes in. The types of protein that you want are “bio-available” which means easily absorbed and digested. Sure we would love a steak, but eat it all the time and you get some serious tummy issues. This is where Whey Protein comes in. If you wonder what whey is, it is just the liquid in your cottage cheese, and don’t turn your head at that, it is the most muscle available protein there is and because of that it doesn’t easily turn to fat and digests much better than flesh of some sort. Thanks to the whey revolution you can get it really really cheap now and even at your supermarket or Walmart. I say to try them all find out what has the best combination of cost and taste {Chocolate always tastes great, but some might like the other flavors} and you are half way there.

The second phase is the carbohydrates. You need dietary fiber more than anything else. It makes you feel full and it doesn’t spike your sugars. Most people know thanks to the “oat bran revolution” that oatmeal {whole grain oats yanno?} is going to be the kicker on all of this. Here is where you need to invest in a decent coffee grinder, and by that I mean one that can grind espresso. You take one cup of oatmeal to one half cup of whey protein powder and grind it into a fine powder. Mix this with water and drink it with a decent multivitamin, like Nature’s Way or something similar, and you have a perfect after workout shake. If you mix it in a blender with a half dozen ice cubes you will have something similar to a McDonald’s shake only it will have about 30 grams of protein, 30 grams of carbs {at least 6 to 8 of those are dietary fiber} and a gram or two of fat, as well as a full days supply of vitamins. All of this is brought to you for less than a dollar and people like myself can double it up if we need to and get around 500 calories instead of just 250. If you don’t grind up the oatmeal you can eat it hot with the whey protein too and it isn’t exactly a sports bar but it is a lot healthier and will make you feel a lot more full.

In the end I have to do this a couple of times a day. Eat a monstrous salad in between {full bag of spring mix, shredded carrot, mushrooms, good hand full of shredded cheddar, can of tuna, red onions, or whatever else I feel like and fat free dressing} and usually a bag of popcorn somewhere in between there. Then hopefully there is some chicken or something to eat later in the evening, or I have Greek yoghurt to go along with the 3 others I ate during the day. I assure you that it isn’t always easy but the results are worth it. Above all else DO NOT let all of the negative factors in your life keep you down. The jealousy of others is unavoidable, the misunderstanding of others is unavoidable, but let me tell you the dumb ass interference of others is. Stop worrying about everyone else’s feelings and take care of your own for a change. God loves you and so do I ;8o)

Other Crap This Weirdo Publishes... The Crow's Nest {The Homepage of Jeremy Crow} Mental Notes & Random Musings {Daily Blog} Mental Rants & Political Rage {For Those That Like His Political Rantings} Mental Imagry & Random Perversion {Adult Stories .. Assume they are rated X} Itching For Coffee {Community Blog} Jeremy Crow on Twitter {For The Easily Amused} Blogaholics Anonymous {E-Mail Blogging Group}

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Nothing that was printed here was intended to offend anyone, and if it did, screw ya, you begged for it. If you believe that there are some measures that can be taken to change me, then please feel free to pray for me, and while you are at it yourself, because you read this far, and if you hated every minute of it, then you are an idiot, not me, or the other people who like what I have to say! .. Jeremy

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We're All Communist Now - Volume 1

2011-08-05T11:10:00.000-04:00

I think we’ve gone on long enough being afraid to call Barack Obama and the bulk of the Democratic Party in America what they are. I think in reality they aren’t even Marxists as most people who have accepted them for what they are usually say. No unfortunately we in American society have allowed the news media to demonize anyone that threw around the word “Communist” for its shock value, and now we are faced with an actual communist, and a gang of communists in charge in Washington DC. What’s worse is like Europe we have two parties controlled by Progressives making up the bulk of our political landscape and as they get worse and we lose more, most people still sit in denial over it. Here is a rundown of what makes them communist revolutionaries and not just Marxist sympathizers.

Barack Obama ran a shadow campaign that transformed based on the audience it stood in front of. The news media did no background checking on him, and in the end we were left with a man who was sired by two Marxists, raised by radicals, and spent his entire life getting educated and being a community organizer. In Europe this would make him a radical thinker looking for revolution. In America it is a far cry from the type of thing we think of, so it gets lost in translation. On that note, while the news media trumps him up as the greatest thinker of all time nobody in America has any proof of that because for the first time in history the GPA and documentation of a Presidential candidate was completely off limits. What we were left with was an opaque individual with no history, who read everything that was put in front of him, and didn’t have any real ideas of his own, just a bunch of slogans like “Yes We Can” and “Hope and Change” with no real description of what these things were. Ok that’s fine, because all politicians are con men, I get it.

Obama was blessed of course with the worst candidate since Michael Dukakis to run against. This was by design. Everyone who has a brain knows that the Hew Hampshire primary can be fixed so with a good old fashioned “fix” John McCain won that election, since anyone can vote in a GOP primary in NH, including Independents, Democrats, and Visiting College Students etc all flood in and get McCain the nomination and that momentum carries him through with the help of a mainstream media that takes it’s orders from the DNC. You can be in denial about it, but I am one of the few New Hampshire natives that demands the “first in the nation” primary be given to a state with party limitations on its primary process. Progressive evolution has destroyed the primary system and now we have a president that benefited from all of the patience. Again it wasn’t hard on Obama as McCain wasn’t popular in the least, and what should have been his base, stayed home and didn’t bother to vote.

Once elected President it was more of the same Communist revolutionary rhetoric, mixed in with what people would call Keynesian Economics. Now of course the Keynesian economic model is great for idiots because in theory it looks like it will work. It never has in the history of THAT flawed theory, but Democrats aren’t very fond of capitalism anyway so they will fall for most anything. In theory {even by Keynes himself} the Keynesian economic theory is only to create a more stable stock market by making no highs and lows. It is supposed to take the gamble out of the financial world, not push it upward. Now the economists that support the theory either don’t know this or they actually know what it will do. What it will do is collapse the currency sooner or later and that is a very important step towards communism, because everyone needs to be poor and desperate to accept complete authority to be placed upon them. This was phase one in it all with TARP, endless stimulus, and worst of all the printing of money for the sake of spreading it around. Quantitative Easing, they call it and we have already had two of those and many think a secret third round of it is going on. In communism 101 the more inflation the poorer you make everyone, because if the cost of everything doubles, you know for a fact your salary doesn’t. What was the price of gasoline these days?

The next phase which is very important is to flood the system with people living off of the system. By the time they finally stopped talking about increasing unemployment benefits for everyone, they had them up to 99 weeks {three weeks shy of 2 whole years} in which you could get paid to NOT work. Again we have this belief that everyone wants to work and we refuse to accept that there are huge swaths of society that don’t. You end up with an ever expanding cart full of people being pulled by others, and by moving the goal posts forward for some and further away for others you create an environment where it almost looks stupid TO work. The more people stop pulling the cart and jump into the cart the harder it is for those that will to pull. In time the cart stops completely when it is too full and not enough people to pull it. This is completely by design because it would cause a financial meltdown. We go back to all these endless stimulus packages that takes money from YOUR CHILDREN since all of it was borrowed and uses it to create government jobs at the city, state, and federal level, so that what YOU pay in taxes now goes to finance government jobs that create more government spending, and more borrowing. The Sick Cycle Carousel of the government that is slowly becoming communist.

To keep these balls juggling towards totalitarianism at the government level the President now calls on his minions. His minions, being those that have been created to depend on the government for its livelihood, so by standing at a podium every chance he gets and talking about the “Rich” he has a captive audience. This has been a standard fare of everyone from Mao Zedong, to Vladimir Lenin, to Joseph Stalin, to Adolf Hitler, to Hugo Chavez, to Fidel Castro, to Che Guevara to every communist dictator that ever existed. The “Eat the Rich” mentality is insane considering that the top 25% of society in America already pays almost ALL taxes, and to simply demand more from them and less from those that simply take from society is only geared towards filling the cart. The problem is there are already too many people in the cart to convince most of them that what they do is wrong, and unproductive. Many people actually think they contribute to society while they suck the life out of it and worse yet accuse the job creators and the earners of being more like them than they are. It usually ends in bloodshed with the other communist dictators and revolutionaries I listed.

Just to name a last reasoning for the overthrow of the American way of life from within you have the Mexican invasion. I know I should be more polite, but we are at the end game of the destruction of America after all. I can be called a racist, and I often am just for speaking truth. I actually have a lot of Hispanic friend and as they are either Puerto Rican, or Dominican they whole heartedly agree with what I am about to say so I am comfortable with it. We have allowed our Southwest and many bigger metropolitan areas of this country become invaded by a whole bunch of people that have no desire to be Americans. In other parts of this world it would be considered an act of war and in many of them it led to that. When Serbia was having large swaths of it being taken by Albanian refugees they tried to throw them out, and the United Nations and Bill Clinton decided to fight back against Serbia and set the stage for a large portion of their land {Kosovo} to be stolen by the enemy invaders and given to Albania through fiat. Now as we have a huge amount of Mexicans mostly but other ethnicity as well sneak into America, weigh down our system, take jobs from Americans and bring their unchanging values with them. These values include the refusal to speak the English, refusal to assimilate into American life, or even have any intention to stay here once they have reached their allotted goals. Those that seek to simply give these people blanket amnesty no matter what cute name they give it, are simply seeking to complete the last and most important part of communist revolution in a progressive world view, install democracy with a permanent underclass to keep the voting simply hellbent for more control because we can’t take care of ourselves.

The founding fathers of America whom have been demonized, lied about, spun, and redesigned by the Progressives in this country had a simple goal when they created America. To create a country that was free and could govern itself. Even as certain Americans use such trivial issues by today’s standards as racism, sexism, homophobia, theological extremism, intellectual demonization and you name it to smear them and anyone who believes in them, you can see a pattern form. Even if you are so full of vitriol that all you can do is hate on anyone who doesn’t agree with you, you can see a certain level of thinking that never quite passes the smell test. Those that simply parrot what they hear from the people that tell them that they are smarter, and have the degrees to prove it, need to think very hard and try to focus on one thing, through all of this. If people like Barack Obama truly are that much smarter than you are then why do they still hide the proof of it? The answer is a lot easier than you think it is. Because a lot of people let him, and we’re doomed if that is the way of the world now ;8o)

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The Twins of Kane - Genesis [A Teaser]

2011-08-03T15:36:00.001-04:00

Authors Note: As I button up lose ends and work on redesigning and rewriting "The Twins of Kane" I just wanted to throw a tease out there to keep what little interest there is in it alive. This is actual rewrite copy of what was Chapter 1.1 from the original Cybernovel. I have stopped posting the story online as I am hoping to sell it, and want most of it to be surprising. Enjoy and I hope you will see this in book stores by my birthday ;8o) You an of course purchase my first e-book Superdaddyman and More from the Mind of Jeremy Crow Here if you so desire!

The Twins of Kane - A Teaser of "Genesis - Chapter 1"

As I sit here in front of this laptop computer preparing to write the story that had unfolded around me over the past several weeks, I have a hard time knowing where to start. I never wanted to write a novel, or anything for that matter. I was a reluctant high school graduate, and I wasn’t exactly encouraged along to finish either. My English skills aren’t great and I think I learned more about the English language over those same last few weeks than I had all the years before them. No I had no initiative aside from taking care of my son, in this little rat-hole of a town about twenty minutes outside of Wichita, and not even placed prominently on any map. Many would say when you find Wichita you’re pretty lost, but Atkins Green, named after a yet another field of nothing out here in the Midwest means you are even more lost than Wichita.

This is why I never really cared much about my place in the world. I worked, I took care of my son, I got by, and as I start this tale at the beginning of my ordeal, I should say I was one of the few employed people in the town. Many would say that that was going to be a short lived state of my being since the town itself has a negative survivability rating. Even as I am typing this out I can’t believe how much more complicated my vocabulary is than it used to be but that is part of the jading process I underwent. It was a miracle that I had anything to do with the world, but little do any of you know that I had a big part to play in history. Most of you won’t believe it, but I am happy to explain it to you all the same, just so that I can put it all into perspective and go on with my own life.

I guess to be fair I should let you know who I am. My birth name is Anastasia Jones. Everyone calls me Stacy because only my father called me Anna. That was a short lived usage of my name since my father had died when I was very young. My name was given to me by my father because he thought it would have so many nicknames that I would never get bored with it. I did get bored with it around a year or so after my father died and my mother spent more time brooding over it, and the housewife life that she had hoped to maintain until she got rid of the sacrifice she made for it. That would be me, and because of what a rotten Christian she was, I was merely taken care of for the sake of keeping up appearances. My father originally wanted to name me Samantha after his favorite witch on ABC TV, but my already bitter about something or other, mother put a stop to that. In the end he sold her on Anastasia because at the very least it was the name of a Tsar’s daughter. I still think the fact that she was murdered by the Bolsheviks had more to do with why she accepted it. I won’t lie to you but I hate that woman.

It was a simple life really, my son and I weren't really going much of anyplace, but we got by, as I had said before. My work at the diner wasn't exactly fulfilling but it was mine, and it paid the bills that my loser of an ex husband never did. I was young and stupid when he left us, so despite the fact that he lived on the other side of this town, I have never been able to get him to pay child support on time or even in fair amounts. The only times he ever saw his son was when he had some new romantic interest that wanted children and then he could parade Jake around as the son he loves and wouldn't want to force to compete with some “other” child. I guess I see all men through the eyes of the one that I so foolishly gave my heart to back when I was 15 years old, but most reactions are quite rudimentary in nature. It was going on at least 2 years since he had even been near Jake when the explosion happened removing that burden from his little 14 year old life, and I would be a liar if I didn't say that I saw both sides of the issue with fascination. Needless to say that I have been a devout “man hater” for all of the last 14 years, and I never thought I would see any differently. So taking joy in watching my ex husband's death wasn't exactly a stretch.

The only thing that gets to me in this town is that I personally have never had any privacy. My ex-husband runs around doing whatever he wants, and the second I get seen with a man, or the rumors spread about some sort of impropriety, and it is front page news around here. Other than that prick, who knocked me up at the ripe old age of 15, I’d still be a virgin. I’ve kind of gotten the drift from all of my friends that have also been bedded by him, that I might have been better off remaining a virgin and pretending that sex was disgusting, just like he made me feel when we were together. Sorry about that I tend to go off on my rants now and again, but this is the first time I have ever sat down and written something important. I’m sure you all are just having a good laugh over it, but I need to get the background out there.

I can only imagine as this long tale of a very short amount of time, by your or anyone else’s standards, can only get better written or more descriptive as it goes on, but it is all so vividly burned in my mind that I get a little confused even as I try to put it all in order of when it all happened. This makes no sense to any of you I am sure and for my own part I hope that I can make it all sensible or more legible as I go. If not for you than for me as I had said before. The beginning is hard but it’s only because there were so many beginnings along the way. The one that I am pretty sure was the first beginning is still my favorite, but that wasn’t because it was so beautiful or anything, it was purely because it was less confusing, and more explainable in the fact that it had no real explanation. As the beginnings started rolling in they had far too many explanations and got worse on me with each telling.

I guess I should start there as I still remember seeing the explosion off on the horizon that wiped out the Skillings Factory that was pretty much all the employment in this pathetic town. Now you know exactly why I said I was one of the lucky few that had a job. It could have been much worse, when you consider that the 43 people that died, including that scumbag of a father, would have easily been 500 had it been a few hours later when the day crew started their shift. Where I had just been opening the diner it was in preparation for all of the day crew that were going to be getting fed before work, so we are still talking a good two hours yet before that parking lot would be full. I don't even know why I had turned around at that moment to see the gigantic mushroom a mile away, but I had, and here we are the next day and they still don't know what caused it. The fact that I do, is why I am sitting here putting my already poor typing skills to the task, because I haven't even had the courage to explain how I was left holding the bag in the end. Yes I have been left holding the bag a lot in my life, but this one is special in the sense that you really couldn't even rationally prove it if you had seen it like I had.

The theories on how this explosion happened ranged from gas leaks, to electrical malfunctions, but of course it all comes down to the fertilizer that they were making in there. We all know how that explodes when the flame touches it, but in this case there is still no proof of the flame that had touched it. Don't think that they didn't have every security measure in place to keep flame from the product, if only to protect the product. Even out here in Kansas those EPA folks, have their methods of watching everything that goes on, in a dangerous industry, so again where the fire came from is a very fascinating thing for those that investigate explosions. Myself on the other hand happen to look at things like this as being that which just happens, so I wasn't all that curious really, when the people started prophesying rumors. The buzz for the next day just around my diner was mind numbing but again, small towns make gossip the official sport, and this diner is after all the bar to which they all hang out and discuss things. I had other things to pay attention to. That happened into my diner the very next day, and those that know me will tell you it was very foreign territory for me. It was after all the last thing I ever would have focused my attention on, but then again it was the only thing that any women in direct sight of him could focus their attention on. The feeling of actually being “normal” for a change had escaped me at the time, and now that we are past all of that, nothing feels normal about it at all.

People had all piled into the diner the next day to “discuss” the happenings from the day prior, and try to make some sort of sense out of what had happened. Nothing like a bunch of high school drop outs trying to discuss science and place it all into perspective, to start your morning off right. I looked over the counter to Burton, the resident town “do nothing” who simply sits in here and stares at me all day, like I would assume a starving dog stares at meat, and realized that even a huge explosion doesn't change everything. I try not to refill his coffee too often because of my hopes that he will perhaps get up and leave sooner that often goes unfulfilled, but a girl has to dream doesn't she? Of course he's not the only one that does it around here, but you would assume that most men would simply stop looking at the woman that hasn't been on a date in 10 years despite her ability to be “hot” as her son pointed out after a PTA meeting. It was his way of explaining why his teacher couldn't stop hitting on me so bad that it made him uncomfortable. I haven't been back to PTA since then but I do have to go to work, so I don't appreciate this at all most of the time. I can shoot men down, because I hate them and that works out really well for me, but I really hate the ones that think that they complete me, or that I would be lucky to have them. Those men I shoot down with a certain level of verve, because I happen to also be a lot smarter than most of the men I meet, which also comes in handy.

This doesn’t jive well with the whole fact that I don’t know how to type. I was above average in the typing classes at school but fifteen years of not doing it, will of course rust anyone’s skills. The fact that every single one of the men I have met aren’t half as smart as I am also doesn’t jive very well considering that aside from the town drunks, the town losers, or should I say the REAL drunks and losers because I paint most of them here with that brush, I am the poorest of them all. Of course “poor” by Midwestern, out in the middle of nowhere standards is different than “poor” in the city or whatnot. I could get “services” if I wanted to, but that is beneath me, and if that makes you wonder than I worry about you. I figure I am allowed to hate men and be judgmental as long as I can prove that I don’t need any of them, or can elevate myself enough to judge fairly. Otherwise I am just white trash and then all I am doing is being petty and jealous. I envy nobody, because I can and have done it, and now I have done so much more it’s hard not to have a slight ego about it. Then again it’s harder to have a heaven may care attitude too.

I was in the middle of refilling the coffees of a few of the now unemployed guys who were sitting in the corner talking about where they were going to move, because that was ALL the jobs in this area, that had gone up in that amazing fireball the day before this moment. They were a few of the realistic ones because without the Skillings Plant there are no jobs here, and it didn't take a rocket scientist to realize that all of that insurance money they were going to receive, was going to build two new factories in some underdeveloped nations. I can appreciate people that don't take time to mourn, and strike the hot iron because time is not your friend right now. I haven't even bothered to talk about the death of Jake's father with him, and I'm pretty sure that he knows and doesn't want to talk about a man that he hasn't seen in two years. Dead or alive he wasn't anyone of any importance to him anyway. He doesn't have to be forced to mourn the death of a man, who wasn't in his life like most people would expect their children to, and that's the way I am going to leave it. These guys feel the same way about a job that isn't going to mourn the loss of their jobs, and that is why they have hope. The rest of the place was filled with those that are crying in their coffee over losing that place. That was when the door opened, and a rush of warmer than usual April air came flowing in, making everyone turn to look except the busy waitress of course.

As I look back writing this it was a strange transformation in me as I had gone from worrying about everyone else, because it’s human nature, to obsession with the days that came after this moment to take the time to mourn my own security. That factory doesn’t exist, this town doesn’t exist, this diner doesn’t exist, and everything I have known for thirty years ceases to exist. I should have spent a little more time feeling sorry for myself while I had the opportunity. I was going to desperately need the practice, but during all that self righteous, scratching to survive, and putting the feelings security and development of the only male I don’t hate above my own have not trained me for self pity. Perhaps that had a lot to do with the situation I was about to find myself in, and now that I am writing this it’s kind of funny in its own right.

I was preoccupied now with getting orders in and starting new coffee pots when I heard gasps coming from the ladies behind me. It was a very strange sound actually because there aren't any “girlie girls” around here, and that was a “girlie girl” series of gasps followed by giggling, and I swear that one of the gasps was from Mary, the “God Woman” as people call her behind her back. I probably should have never turned around to see the stranger as he was sidling himself up to the last seat on the counter. His hair was long and wavy, eyes deep opal blue, shoulders broad, chin strong, and I was unable to take my eyes away from him what so ever. I was completely locked into his stare as he was looking down the counter strait at me, and the coffee pot slipped from my hands and went crashing to the floor, but I still couldn't take my eyes away from his stare until he looked away. Completely startled by the removal of his eyes I looked down immediately to see the mess I had made at my own feet, to which I dropped to my knees to start cleaning up. A great deal of my quickness to get down behind the counter was actually from a terrified feeling of looking at that beautiful man again, since I didn’t like the feeling I had in my stomach after seeing him. It was a feeling that could be described as guilt, mixed with lust, and then the foreboding. I could still hear giggling and other noises that women make when they swoon, and I actually could feel an emotion that I had never felt before, even when my own husband was sleeping with every woman in the neighborhood, and that was jealousy.

I can’t even begin to stress to any of you, the feelings that were running through every vein and capillary in my body. That man at the end of the counter was irrationally beautiful, and by irrationally I meant not only was there no explanation for it, but he made me and every other woman in the place completely irrational. I was trembling because part of me knew that I would do something foolish again the second he held my gaze. The fear was as I said before irrational, and so was the desperate need to stand up and stare at him again. The jealousy that one of these other women would get his attention was pretty scary too. Well to be fair I should say that it is only pretty scary now as I look back at it. At the time it was all perfectly rational, but for the love of all that is good I couldn’t have told you why at the time. That beautiful man awaited me and I couldn’t put it off forever, even if all he awaited was a waitress in a diner. It could have made me cry if I had dwelt on it he was that amazing to look at.

I slowly stood up brushing the long blond hair that I was too lazy to get cut for about a decade from my face, and every move I am making at this point is thought out and calculated, as I am so afraid of what is to come of anything at this point, but I still had to do my job. I even made note to myself that I was disappointed that I had never had my hair taken care of before now. In a movie star sort of way I could pretend that my hair was “movie star tussled” but my mind could only tell me that I needed to get more beautiful really quickly or I could die from the loss of my opportunity. This job of mine also includes waiting on this man who is in total control of my emotions at the end of the counter, and it was sucking the life out of me. I was indeed able to look down the counter to see him sitting there with his face pointing down into a rather large and old looking book, and staying disenfranchised from everyone around him now. The women all staring at him and obviously swooning still was making me seethe and I was growing so amazingly uncomfortable at my own emotions, as I walk towards the end of the counter to simply try to talk to this man who I had never seen before today but feel like I had envisioned my whole life. I was within 3 feet of him at this point and he looked up to stare right into my eyes again, as my entire body was paralyzed by him, and I couldn't move my lips, which was a good thing because I wouldn't have been coherent, I am sure. His lips did move as he uttered the words “black coffee please,” and went straight back to his book.

Once released from his spell I looked down for a moment to at least try to figure out what he was reading and realistically, that was no help whatsoever as the text in the book wasn't even recognizable to me, like a strange form of Eastern language like Russian only more strange than that. I had actually seen Russian before and this was not it, but it was closer to that as my mind looked at it, then English. My mind was more focused on getting a cup of scalding black coffee in front of this man without causing injuries. I think it might have been a hopeless cause at that point but I had to all the same. The methodology of how I was going to do it was another story but I chose the “carrying of the cup” method as I would at least spill a lot less coffee, that dropping a whole pot again. I focused on the cup and made damn sure that I did not look up to see that face again, as I did manage to get the cup in front of him before he spoke again, “it's Aramaic, which happens to be a dead language, but it is very close to Afghan, so many people think that Jesus spoke Afghan, even though it was Aramaic, which is actually a fascinating language if you want to really study the bible,” and then trailed off as he grabbed the coffee cup scalding hot as it was, and took down a large gulp. … To be continued

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A Murder of Crows - Volume 30

2011-08-01T14:38:00.000-04:00

This is a repost of my writings from Itching For Coffee ... Where I often post writings with other talented writers ...

I have been railing against the United Nations for a long time now, for a host of reasons, but to narrow it down to the most basic, I would have to say that the real issues are simple. Wrapping your head around it is also pretty simple, unless you really don’t want to and then it is another story. The UN is a collection of all the countries that are recognized by the UN and for the most part every country has a say in how the UN does its daily work. The bulk of the UN is made up of dictators, despots, communists and fascist regimes to the tune of well over 80% of its membership, and of the other 20% that is left over there are less than a handful of countries that aren’t basically socialist and leaning towards the despotism through democracy that a lot of the other regimes are. In and of itself that is NOT a recipe for a free exchange of ideas in a free society. There is no real “togetherness” unless by “together” you mean the 80 plus percent of the United Nations that generally oppresses the people held slaves by birthplace.

Now more over when you scratch the surface a little deeper you have nothing more than the makings of that wonderful New World Order that Progressives have been clamoring for forever. The despot nations suck the marrow out of the bones of the capitalist societies that maintain a certain level of liberty, while undermining the liberty itself until they can drag them down with them. The United States not only houses the United Nations, but it also does most of the funding of the United Nations, and those that assume that we should because we are the most powerful or the “luckiest” of all these nations is way off base. It’s like an entity taking your money away from you so that they can fund your neighbor’s property, the whole time your neighbor’s agenda is purely to kill YOU. Some people would think that is just great but the chances are pretty good that you would not. This of course is why seriously oppressive nations like Iran get “sanctions” put on them when they do evil stuff, while at the same time so does Israel for simply defending itself.

Now of course the United Nations is a wholly progressive arm of globalism which means that a lot of the “unreported” stuff that it does is completely within the norms of what Progressives do, while at the same time completely and utterly evil. Lately the news {if you read actual news services} has been talking about how the United Nations itself was running a slavery and sex trafficking business out of Bosnia, pretty much the whole time America was fighting the war for them. You can read about it here rather than having my own words bungle it all up. This is actually an old story, as parts of the world that are a lot more a sensitive to these types of atrocities, and those that blame anything the UN does as “America” and imperialism were belting these stories out like crazy back in 2002. Now it has finally started cracking legitimate news sources here and is being buried by mainstream ones. On the other hand what is “mainstream” these days as most people get their news from Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert?

I on the other hand have taken a much different slant on the whole issue at hand with the United Nations. When the United States has a Democrat in the Whitehouse we inevitably head down the path of Progressive UN politics and for the worst every time. First and foremost aside from Truman, who was close personal friends with a particular Jewish man from school, the Democratic Party in this country has always been a landing spot for anti-Semites. Clinton spent an inordinate amount of time sending his people over to Israel to interfere with their election process and in the end had gotten Ehud Barak elected over there. While this was going on the wholesale slaughter of innocent people in Rwanda which had started under his predecessor, but really hit its stride when in 1994, 580,000 machetes were being imported into Rwanda expressly for the genocide. Everyone knew it, the United Nations ignored it, but they were right on board with the Israeli elections and the breaking down of the Israeli nation. Later on the same flawed logic was used when America was thrown into the Bosnian civil war {and as someone who works with refugees of Bosnia, don’t tell me about the Serbians, it was mostly Bosnians killing Bosnians} because unlike the African nations these people being slaughtered were white. Another trait of the Progressive left is racism, and the United Nations is always on board with that as well.

Further on down the road we watched the United Nations force America into the conflict in Kosovo, for the same reasoning. White people being killed by Serbians who for the most part were defending their own land, and the United Nations, the news media and our president at the time spun it differently. It was an all out assault to demonstrate that the United Nations at will could assist in the theft of land from one body of people and give it to another, and with the Democrat we had in the Whitehouse it was played perfectly. The Albanians that stole the Serbian land, went on to basically give it to Albania, which is a trend as long as a dictatorship is involved. Nobody really goes on and on about the Democratic values of the nation of Serbia but it is a far cry from that of Albania, and in the end the UN almost always sides with the more oppressive people. We see this going on with Israel now, as the horribly oppressed Palestinians {oppressed by any and all governance that THEY impose upon themselves from Arafat to Hamas} seem to get all of the attention of the United Nations and Israel gets ll of the sanctions. Why you might ask? Well again the United Nations has no issue with land being conquered as long as despotism reins in the newly conquered land.

Now as the typical Progressive left line is that Israel is the conqueror, that is ok for them. There is no historical acknowledgement that Israel re-conquered land that even the Romans allowed them to govern themselves with an overseer. Factually speaking the Israelis stood on that land almost a millennium before Mohammed was born, and the Muslim faith was created. The Palestinian name is a spinoff of the people who were at odds with the Jews back in the beginning known as the Philistines, but there is NO similarity between the two cultures as the religion of peace had completed its own genocidal ways on the Philistines, as it had the Byzantines and every other culture in the region, except the Jews, who rose again and took back their land and installed a quasi-democracy with European socialist leanings. What do you expect they escaped European oppression after all?

This brings me to another great lie that the United Nations and their friend in the media and the hard Progressive left bring to you on a day to day basis. Jordan and all of that land that was stolen from .. you guessed it if you have been paying attention, the Palestinians. Never a once does the UN, the media, the President {Democrat or Republican to be fair} or anyone else, save a few that are called “radicals” or “liars” ever bring up the stolen Palestinian land east of the Israeli border, and that is because there are two factors that blaming the Jordanian theft wouldn’t solve. The first is that whole oppression problem as the United Nations and the despots that run it are sick and tired of a democracy sitting there in the middle east, and secondly that whole Jew problem. To the Progressive left there has always been a “Jew Problem” and regardless of whether you follow history or not every left wing dictator has sooner or later gone after wiping out the Jews. From Hitler to Stalin to even all of the dictators that preceded those two {because I am not afraid to say that it is in the cultural nature of those people and not just pleasant “accidents” of who they elect to lead them} because it is an easy face to apply to the beginning phases of the cultural warfare that all dictators need to survive.

Now as the United Nations play its games. It has a Progressive left President in Barack Obama to arm its psychopathic ways. The United Nations spouts class envy, mostly at the United States who fuels its very existence. The president agrees with everything that they say and it is always just a waiting game with them. Sooner or later with the right combination of celebrities, causes, reeducation and most of all time, they always get into a better position to fundamentally transform the world. You need to remember that the next time Angelina Jolie whines to a camera about how Darfur is out of control, then she sits down with the other UN ambassadors and eats lobster dinners paid for by American taxes, and not a single thing gets done to stop the genocide. You remember that the next time Barack Obama stands in front of a podium and talks about “the rich” not paying its fair share, despite the fact that the richest 1% of America pays 37% of the taxes and has 19% of the income while the bottom 50% has 13% of the income and pays 3% of the taxes. Remember where that talk ALWAYS starts and ends. The Jews have all the money and we need to take it back. It’s been a winning proposition to all Progressive left causes throughout history and it sickens me when the very people who cheered along the hate and class envy act like they didn’t see it coming in the end. ;8o)

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The New World Order VS The Real World Order - Volume 9

2011-07-28T23:42:00.002-04:00

Get the new e-book from the mind that brought you this! Superdaddyman and More from the Mind of Jeremy Crow, is over 400 pages of fun and excitement with the Superdaddyman and the Evils's!

Heaven forbid that I get any relief these days but I find myself in a bit of a quandary. Over the last year I had thrown myself so headlong into Facebook games that I ended up with an awful lot of friend that have no business being associated with me after I quit playing them. I had that epiphany that said I should stop wasting my life working on the perfect café, or building the most beautiful and highest level frontier, and I got back into my writing, for better or for worse. This of course gave me more time to throw my political beliefs on my wall and this creates the problems. You see, nobody minds a conservative as long as they sit down and shut up and accept that there are people out there trained to be smart and their words cannot be refuted no matter how amazingly stupid they are. Then it always reverts to name calling and label placing. Remember the whole spiel about how the first Black president was finally going to end that racism issue. If you believed that then you are as crazy as the multitudes of people that throw racism around worse than when there actually was racism.

The problem started back at the turn of the century and I don’t mean the one that everyone thinks about these days, when a year afterwards planes hit the World Trade Center, I mean a hundred years previous when we were attacking Spanish south of us and building canals between South and North America. Actually the blame starts with a Roosevelt which most liberals would assume would come out of the mouth of a conservative, but I don’t mean Franklin, I mean Theodore. You see Theodore Roosevelt was the first Marxist inspired elitist Progressive and the forgiveness of his particular brand of evil really gets to me. A hundred years or so later and we are dealing with a world changed for the worst, and even people on my side of the isle are struck stupid by the mere mention of his name. I have to suffer often from the people that blindly follow his legacy and I hate it to no avail.

When Theodore Roosevelt was elected the Vice President to William McKinley it was to stem off the insurgence of the Progressive era. Although McKinley was the first Progressive with his high tariffs and imperialistic pursuits he paled in comparison to the next two. Threatening to place Roosevelt in office as a strong contender to McKinley he was forced to add Roosevelt and of course when McKinley was assassinated by anarchist Leon Czolgosz, Teddy Roosevelt came to power. The continuation of a very different America began, with the installation of labor unions, the government seizure of huge quantities of land, and of course most notable, the beginning of the end of certain traditions that had actually held the nation pretty firm on its own.

Without going into too many details about Roosevelt’s elitist viewpoints and his intellectual perspectives on a day’s work let’s just cut to the chase and spell out the worst of the worst. When Roosevelt had buckled under the pressure to step down after his nearly two full terms as president were over, due to the Washington rule of decorum {a president is a president, not a king and two terms is enough} William Howard Taft was elected president in a landslide. Roosevelt continued the family tradition of being a pest. He criticized his successor often and in the end decided to run against him in his newly formed “Bull Moose” party for a third term. The Republicans that had rejected his bid to be nominated again for the Republican ticket, stayed away from him, the disenchanted “Progressive” Republicans voted for him and as usual ALL of the Democrats voted for Woodrow Wilson. I contend that Roosevelt was just as happy with that outcome as if he had won election himself.

This created an interesting shift in power along the way because we now had a full born Marxist in the Whitehouse and as amusing as it might seem the actual conservatives of the age were in the Democratic party. None of the Democrats at the time could have been happy with the Wilson regime, and realistically the more liberal minded of the parties was the Republicans at the turn of the century. Now the country was faced with an absolutely maniacal leader who was completely hellbent on transforming America into a German style Socialist autocracy, and with that came all of the benefits of German style socialism. Severe racism, extreme class envy, total xenophobia, the worst forms of intellectual elitism, and it was a two fold issue because this was caused by a Republican {which at the time was sensible} and a Democrat {which at the time would be unheard of} and through this alliance the worst could be installed. The more progressive Republicans could vote for Wilson’s reelection, and the Democrats who didn’t pay attention could take comfort in the fact that a Democrat was finally going to win reelection. In the end Wilson had enough of the Democratic Party’s values of racism to hold pat, and enough of the Republican’s values of liberal vitriol for the less intelligent non college educated riff raff to be a perfect match.

Wilson of course had to lie his way into office again by reminding everyone that he kept us out of World War 1. He threw us right into it once elected and not for good reasons either. By the time the United States had finally entered the war they were perhaps more of a Calvary than anything else but the United States did turn the war around and the Keiser was defeated. This opened the door for some of the most underhanded dealings that anyone would ever know about had the Progressive era not taken hold. You see while Wilson was behind the scenes creating the very menace that plagues us to this day {segregating the military, forcing Britain to dismantle its Navy and sever all ties from Japan, fighting to relinquish American sovereignty to a League of Nations, prohibitions that created criminal empires, oppression against a country that is best known for the most egregious evil on its best of days much less its worst, etc etc} he was dismantling the educational system to make sure that with time nobody would know the truth about history. This is the evil of the Progressives like the man we have in the Whitehouse now. It’s PROGRESS that creates the CHANGE not revolution. By the time you have the boiling water around you, you are one dead frog.

As I was saying earlier these people sooner or later infiltrated both parties of the political landscape here in America. The last election afforded us a Roosevelt Republican running against a Wilson Democrat, and we had NO CHOICE in the matter. I am not one to rant and rail about how we should have had McCain. Same boat, but with the news media actually blaming the president instead of everyone but the president, and how this was accomplished in the end was by what I had pointed out before. The educational system in this country has been reduced to rubble by people that want to shape minds instead of teach them. Very few of the hopeful and noble teachers in today’s society are objective, and for the most part the only place that is far worse as far as a hard left bias is the news media. In both regards the Progressives {following Karl Marx} have taken over the media and the educational system so that they can pollute the minds of others. I thought that I was above this but often I find myself in arguments with people that have no facts, no relative bearing on the topic at hand, and without a doubt no intelligence but a pile of feelings that they think make up for it degenerating to name calling when I don’t accept that they are smarter than me because I don’t agree with their news channels or their professors. That’s not a debate, that’s an indoctrination gone bad, and I don’t have to put up with it anymore.

You see what has bothered me more than anything else these days is the fact that I, Jeremy Crow, go to work every day, cleaning toilets at a factory that makes asphalt products to save you a bit of money on your energy bills and make the rain on your roof less loud. It’s a legitimate use of my skills creating products that people want and need. It pays me well enough to support my kids to the tune of about 40k a year and it is just enough money to qualify me for NO public services whatsoever. I don’t qualify for Medicaid, food stamps, free lunch program, or anything else and I am far from comfortable. As a matter of fact if it weren’t for the fact that legitimate charities like the toy drives in my town take pity on me because I do scratch to survive Christmas might not be as bright around here, but I would make do if I didn’t have that. Now unlike some of the pathetic out there {and I’m sorry I have every right to say that} that allow themselves to be used to help collapse the system by burdening people like myself that DO pay our own way AND part of someone else’s way out there, I am extremely proud that I am not a burden on other people’s hard work. If you see that as an evil attitude then fuck yourself and go away, you’re worthless to my world.

What burns me up more than anything is the people out there that spend a long time in college and then they come out as an “intellectual” or as I like to say, someone that couldn’t actually feed and clothe themselves if someone didn’t pay them to just be smarter than everyone else. This is the legacy of Progressivism that is a huge Moron Go Round of people teaching and people learning to go teach, that simply sucks away the resources of the world and worse yet creates a new level of idiot out there that thinks they have the right to simply be right because one of these people told them that they are. That’s fine and all, but I don’t have time for that, and the chances are better than average that that person is beyond salvation, so forgive me if you see me driving them away. It doesn’t make me a hater, a racist, a misogynist or a homophobe, but if anyone truly believes that it does then I thank God that none of those words really have any meaning anymore. Thank Teddy and Woody for that too ;8o)

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Some More Reasons I Am Jeremy Crow Afterall - Volume 16

2011-07-27T16:06:00.001-04:00

Get the new e-book from the mind that brought you this! Superdaddyman and More from the Mind of Jeremy Crow, is over 400 pages of fun and excitement with the Superdaddyman and the Evils's!

Oh I stress and I strain but in reality I am what I am. Encouraged along by others I have been trying to be more entrepreneurial and it would be a complete failure if not for the humor it has given me over the last few weeks. I started looking to market items online in hopes of supplementing my income {sh*t plus whatever equals profits} and for the most part it has been a little different than I thought it would go. In reality though it is going exactly as I thought it should go with a few caveats. First of all I know exactly how I treat advertisements for people’s stuff for sale when I see it. With a yawn and a maybe someday, and like anyone else who starts marketing products, I thought I would be different. Oh I’m different alright or so many people have tried to tell me. This is not a bad thing because after all it gives me blog material as I explain the obvious in my John Madden like form because I am the last to find out what I already knew.

The bright side of all of this is that it has made me laugh to make things that are either promotional in nature to whatever it is I happen to be doing, {see Mental Notes Crap or Superdaddyman Crap for examples} or it happens to push along a bit of my political agenda. {see Obama Crap, see Republican Crap or see Democrat Crap for examples} Despite the fact that I have sold one shirt {to my mother} and one mug {to myself} I have had so many laughs making the stuff it hasn’t been a failure at all. On the contrary, the fact that it brings trolls out from under the bridge and also makes people either laugh {or come out from under the bridge} or get indignant, is a huge plus for someone like myself that has huge attention needs. It’s also nice to know that I am building a catalog of products that are licensed to me and give me a profit should someone someday come along and happen to find them. It’s almost like my 401k that I contribute to work, only I don’t have to throw my own money into it to have nothing in the end! Even as I have deleted and re-written this blog {in case anyone noticed but I doubt it} because someone pointed out to me that I had f*cked up all of my wares anyway and I had to go and delete them all because I just don't have time to fix all the screw ups. Technically that is kind of funny when I think about it too.

Then there was the e-book. Part of me is saying, what the hell was I thinking? The other half is saying, it was an excellent conversation piece when it was published. Some day it will be part of what I hope to be a large catalog of books written by me, and it has been a semi-state motivational tool to continue on with my writing. I have been editing one book rather patiently {and realizing that more people will download free portions of my book to comment on the spelling errors than buy it has taught me well} and adding at least a fractional chapter to the other two every day, has me on the right path. You live, you love, you laugh, and you pray that you learned something along the way. I’m even thinking of packaging up all of my dirty blogs for some sort of book just to add another byline in the whole thing. Thank God the book sellers don’t actually post the sales amounts on the book pages or I’d be screwed, but on that note I have been blessed with most people showing up and “liking” it which is what they display.

All in all I have been listening to the advice of others {not taking all of it mind you} and kind of having a laugh about all of that as well. We had a pretty good laugh the other day about how I could make merchandise that is the exact opposite of how I think and it would probably sell gangbusters, but I have no desire to contribute to the delinquency of anyone. I know that sounds pretty strange coming from the world’s oldest delinquent but in reality, there are enough people out there making money off of the drones. I’d rather have better things to laugh about and fill my time until something changes for the better in my money making endeavors. Some would call that weakness, and I would just call it a different value set. It might be the wrong value set, but it is all my own and I have been proud of it for long enough to know that it isn’t worth changing at this stage of the game. I’m pretty happy with the things it HAS actually brought me, and you can’t put a price tag on that! ;8o)

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The Evolving Faces of Megalopolis - Volume 1

2011-07-26T13:48:00.001-04:00

Get the new e-book from the mind that brought you this! Superdaddyman and More from the Mind of Jeremy Crow, is over 400 pages of fun and excitement with the Superdaddyman and the Evils's!

It has been a long time coming as the streets of Megalopolis have started fogging over with the coming battle that must ensue for the fate of the world to finally be decided. The streets have been fraught with uninspected fair maidens; the Pink Mafia has been left wholly un-infiltrated and probably worse than all of that The Terrorist Organization Known as the Evils’s {TOKE} has been left to plot evil throughout Megalopolis and parts unknown. Yes apparently everyone’s favorite Super Villain turned Super Hero has been lacking in his responsibilities as he has been occupying his time with romantic interests. Yes it appears that there is ways to slow down if not completely stop the Caped Pervader as he defends the world from the monsters of our time.

Now in his defense he had assumed that many of these evil doers were attended to in his absence. When he had come back from his well deserved Superdaddyvaction, he learned quickly that the theory of “assume” means “you make an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’ theory” actually should be changed to the “Superdaddyman is an ass if he thinks things will be attended in his absence” theory. Pink Mafia Headquarters {PMHQ} looked like the place where they test the bombs out in Nevada {RENO} and it took him about four days to finally get a day’s worth of work done there. There were a bevy of new Tempspanicans to ensure that every inch of progress he made on the place was met with a half an inch of resistance at the best of times and two inches at the worst, but in the end he was able to overcome this horrible malady in only a way that a Superdeeduper Super Hero can!

The fair maidens being uninspected issue {FMBU} of course could become a problem as many a fair maiden is wandering the streets of Megalopolis showing off their legs in the amazing heat {HOLY AL GORE SUPERDADDYMAN IT IS FREAKING HOT OUT} but the Superdaddyman and even his simpering weenie alter ego Jeremy Crow {DOLT} have been busy inspecting the secret intel {filthy filthy dreams which need to be written down, translated, and sent off to the person who put them there} of The One as it has been made available. The Superdaddyman has been comfortable in the assumption {when you make an assumption you are an ‘ass’ and the ‘ump’ will ‘tion’ you} that others would be more than happy to fill the void of “fair maiden inspection” {FMI} albeit not as well as the Caped Pervader, in his absence.

This leaves us with the most diabolical of all evil that can possibly roam the streets of Megalopolis, as our brave, young {oh bite me and your opinions} Super Hero had expected the Criminal Detention Center {CAMP} that had been housing the Evils’s would continue the interrogation, beat downs and general self esteem destruction necessary when dealing with such evil as TOKE. This appears to have not been the case. More over it appears that with the help of Mophaka Al Queholic {MAQ} the Superdaddyman is going to have his hands full this week to say the least. Why is that you may ask? Well the CAMP that the Evils’s have been sentenced to has them on a furlough this week, and with that comes a myriad of new problems. Not the least of which would be the intentions of MAQ as it pertains to the Evils’s, the way the diabolical leader of MAQ Greektradgedius Inyiddish would like the Evils’s to accomplish their intentions, and of course Operation Clean and Conquer {BULLSHIT} that should link it all together!

So as the plans were laid out and handed to the Superdaddyman through that simpering idiot Jeremy Crow, it was supposed to go like this. Captain ADHD would clean his pre-teen version of “The Man Cave” which had already been done once with the close and impatient supervision of The Superdaddyman. This was commanded on high by the leadership of MAQ herself, and then once it was accomplished she then changed the rules so that it couldn’t be finished. The Superdaddyman had demanded that Captain ADHD find places for his enormous pile of crap that he has never eliminated any of in his entire twelve years, and using the amazing powers of “Irrationality” that had driven Lazius Boycrazius from not only the Casa, but Megalopolis all together she then said “No I want his detention cell {BEDROOM} to look exactly like this and he isn’t bringing any of that crap up into it” so that pile of crap sat in his “Man Cave” until it was finally taken out of all the boxes and strewn around like it had never been cleaned to begin with. Now she {technically it is still lying even if she really believes it} was going to “help” him do it this time, and the Superdaddyman gave her his awesome abilities of “Yeah Yeah Sure Sure” because he knew full well that it was BULLSHIT.

Now of course as stated before with the exodus of Lazius Boycrazius from the Casa Di Evils’s it was up to Captain ADHD to fill that void and thus enters his new and improved alter ego, Lazius Toycrazius! As he goes from the zipping ball of Tasmanian Devil like fury that blows through everything he isn’t supposed to, laying destruction and chaos behind him, the second you place him in his “Man Cave” with the express instructions to clean it, he grabs the first thing he sees plops down where he is and does NOTHING but play with whatever it is that caught his attention. Greektradgedius Inyiddish sits upstairs being sick like she almost always does when she lays down these proclamations. Her out in all of this is that she can rely on that dufus Jeremy Crow to be the asshole {as is always his job after a dumb ass idea from the mind of MAQ} and do what he said he would {because like an idiot he always keeps his word} and throw away absolutely everything in that room on Saturday.

Now of course the whole “throwing away absolutely everything” idea in theory sounds great, but everyone except our favorite Super Hero learns from their mistakes. The last go around of this strategy resulted in Lazius Boycrazius putting all of her Christmas presents to everyone else on top of her pile of “don’t give a crap” in the middle of her detention cell. They all went out with the trash and she attempted the “guilting process” that is a particularly skilled art form in females in the line of the Superdaddyman’s family. As a rank amateur it didn’t work in the least, but while on the subject neither did throwing out all of her crap. She cleaned her cell roughly three or four times in the next five years and even got thrown out of the Casa di Evils’s over it. GTIY gets to sit on her thrown and bark out orders, the Superdaddyman {through Jeremy Crow} gets to be the asshole, Chameleon ADHD gets to hang himself on a cross out front of the Casa as a misunderstood martyr, and Imtoocutus gets to walk around instigating the misery of everyone involved. Sounds like another beautiful day in this neighborhood huh? ;8o)

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Let's Talk About Health Baby - Volume 9

2011-07-25T15:07:00.001-04:00

Get the new e-book from the mind that brought you this! Superdaddyman and More from the Mind of Jeremy Crow, is over 400 pages of fun and excitement with the Superdaddyman and the Evils's!

It’s a strange little health debacle that I have gone through over the last few months that triggered back around my birthday and kind of snowballed from there. I was a loyal customer of Planet Fitness {the judgment free zone} and I had been since there was only ONE Planet Fitness. I had been for a lot of reasons but most of all had been the fact that it was cheap. There was also the fact that it was 24 hours and the fact that there were an awful lot of women to look at and trust me when you have NO social life whatsoever those two factors are pretty important.

Unfortunately there were a few cons that went along with having a membership there as well. There was the constant changing of rules as the place got way too big for its britches. First there was the installation of that stupid “lunk alarm” which depending on the day would go off all the time. It’s a big blue siren on the wall that goes off if people drop weights or grunt. I didn’t have a problem with the grunting as I started off like a lot of people, fat and pathetic and didn’t want to draw attention to myself. What did drive me bonkers about it was it created a carnival atmosphere when what I really wanted to do was work out, look at women, and then get the hell out of there. I would remain panicked that one day that thing would take me by surprise and I would injure myself, and fortunately that never happened.

Then there was the installation of the “dress code” and for the most part the dress code was only set up to start weeding out more bodybuilders and working class stiffs from the “judgment free zone” which the place was quickly becoming anything but. No jeans { and then later on it became no jeans shorts either}, no muscle shirts, and no bandanas or dew rags on your head. I was pretty iffy on this subject because where I didn’t wear anything on my head I walked into Planet Fitness on my first day in jean shorts and I worked out every day since in jean shorts. It was also becoming a problem as I couldn’t wear muscle shirts to work out and over the years I managed to become muscled, and regular shirts make it ever increasingly hard to work out in.

The last straw was the attitude that these rules installed in others as well. They may think there was a judgment free attitude going on, but trust me, once I started falling devoid of “judgment free benefits” it became very obvious very quickly. Along the way I would have to beg people to let me use machines as they sat and read a magazine or played text messages on it, and most of the time they would treat me like a real ass for doing so. Why was this you may ask? Well it was the way they were trained to behave from the moment they came in. The tours were becoming ever more alarming as I overheard them. The employees would walk people by me and explain how they don’t like bodybuilders and it is a laid back atmosphere where people couldn’t push you around. In today’s world you give someone permission to be an ass, they become a super ass, let me tell you.

It finally hit a beach head a while ago when they finally asked me to stop wearing my jeans shorts or I would be banned from the gym. Alongside a lot of other issues, like the fact that I had a girlfriend and was borderline disrespecting her by going to the gym and drooling over other women {she dumped me right after that too, so go figure} the lack of qualifications for “judgment free status” and the crowds of people that simply hindered a good workout, I signed up for a different gym and quit Planet Fitness. The other gym cost me more, but I got a keytag with it and could simply let myself in whenever I wanted to work out 24 hours a day 365 days a year and I could wear whatever the hell I wanted, so that was the big plus with it, that I could note from the beginning.

There were other plusses though that materialized almost immediately. I had never noticed how inadequate the “people friendly” gym was that I had been going to. There were a lot of factors in this but most notable was the lack of equipment they had. This was for many reasons but not the least of which was the fact that they tried to chase bodybuilders out. Not having good equipment will do that because obviously a bodybuilder needs more than just rudimentary equipment, and I had forgotten that over the years. I was doing my best with what little they had for equipment for so long that there was a small adjustment period in the new gym as I just got acclimated to all of the wonderful new toys to play with.

The people were different too. The “shut up and lift” attitude in the new gym was refreshing as I didn’t have to wait for equipment that was being blocked by ignorant people visiting the home planet anymore. No more standing in the way and gabbling about things and then staring at you because the people that took them on a tour convinced them that you were the enemy. If someone was reading a magazine, newspaper or texting on their phone they knew instinctively to do it out of the way. It was almost nirvana from the moment I walked in there. Even after my girlfriend at the time dumped me I didn’t even miss not having the women to look at because I was actually getting stuff done physically that I had been in my own state of ignorance for years about. Now that I am hopelessly in love with the woman I am going to marry here pretty soon it means even less as no other woman exists anyway.

I bring all this up because today was an interesting day for me all around at the gym. As both of you who actually read this know, I like to text my sweetheart between sets as if the two of us were working out together, while she is away from me. I usually tell her what weights I am accomplishing and how I feel as I am doing it {for those of you who don’t do this you should try it, as a motivational tool it is amazing} and she responds with encouragement. Today, I was working my legs and lower torso as I always do on Mondays and Fridays, and I was crushing {I mean crushing} my old standards of strength gains. I was easily slapping 40 to 60 extra pounds on absolutely everything I was doing and feeling good as I was doing it. This had EVERYTHING to do with my change in venue. The better machines, the better environment to be “ME” and not just “acceptable to a very pathetic norm” had really shone through on this day.

This is also very important because as far as my physical attributes are concerned my legs are completely lacking. Again it had everything to do with going to a gym that had almost no decent leg equipment, where they would humiliate you if you made a noise {and little did I know you almost have to grunt now and again when you are trying to get past a leg plateau} and my inability to get over myself and just push past my norms. That’s the part that my sweetheart helps me with, as she doesn’t accept the languishing Jeremy and pushes me past those things to the place I want to be. It felt great to share the triumphs of the day with her as I felt like the Incredible Hulk, and I can’t believe that thanks to my change in venue I am looking forward to Friday so I can get back at these legs of mine. I have NEVER said that before ;8o)

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God Bless the Idiots - Volume 19

2011-07-24T15:54:00.000-04:00

Get the new e-book from the mind that brought you this! Superdaddyman and More from the Mind of Jeremy Crow, is over 400 pages of fun and excitement with the Superdaddyman and the Evils's!

Up to my eyeballs is the level of bullcrap I have seen come out of Washington this last two years, and I just can’t see it ever getting any better. The last congress didn’t pass a budget for its entire time in office, and the new congress is being held hostage by the constraints of the very people that refused to pass a budget. Heaven forbid anyone even consider the legalities of it all. Passing a budget every year is the actual job of congress and I could be wrong but I think it is the law to do so. Now we are having it rammed down our throats that there has to be a raising of the debt ceiling or else we won’t pay our bills. It’s time for Barack Obama and Harry Reid to do what they do best, lie!

I think it was paramount for anyone out there that believes the things that come out of these two character’s mouths to understand why I don’t take them seriously. You are either so stupid you believe anything or you are so in bed with the whole con that you are just plain evil and in either case you aren’t worth my time. Obama came right out and said that “He can’t guarantee that Social Security checks won’t be sent out if the debt ceiling doesn’t get raised.” This of course flies in the face of Harry Reid’s famous line from earlier in the year when he was wagging his finger at people who call Social Security broke of “Social Security is solvent for the next 40 years.” Both are equally false, and it is to be expected. The say anything politics of the left is laughable at best, but more often than not it is about lying and praying that a complicit news media will hide the tape.

So even if we were to go off of these two statements you need to understand basic economics. The Federal Government brings in over 200 billion in taxes every month, and around 20 billion is slated towards “debt payments” while another 60 billion is what is owed Social Security recipients. Don’t get on me about exact numbers, because it isn’t important when you are talking about such a huge gap. This becomes a real issue when two of the three things that are absolutely necessary because of their promissory nature, are being held hostage, and they make up less than one quarter of the money taken in from taxes. The other being the pay of military {which will be talked about not going out soon} and you still have less than half of the money coming in. The problem is all the freebies that are handed out on a month to month basis, and the votes that are guaranteed to these two clowns as long as those payments go out.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are some people that need help in this world but about 50 percent of America is getting a government freebie of some sort, and I hate to be an ass but THOSE are the people that matter to the Barack Obama’s and the Harry Reid’s of the world. While the other 50 percent that work to pay for the freebies that these people get are cancelled out vote for vote in making sure that the freebies keep coming. This is NO time to give in if you are for a balanced budget and cutting the insane spending. Let the debt ceiling collapse and let Obama and Reid face an angry mob of senior citizens in Florida that don’t get a check because a welfare recipient in Detroit gets theirs first! In the end the welfare recipients “might vote” and are hardly informed, but the senior citizen “definitely votes” and knows exactly who did what and for what reason.

I do want to take a moment to point out the dumbest or most evil statement I have heard all week though. I’ll let you decide which it is. Harry Reid had the audacity to stand on the floor of the senate and call the Cut Cap and Balance bill “The worst piece of legislation to ever hit the floor of the senate,” and you need to think about that for a minute. No matter what camp you are in. The cut camp, the cap camp, the balance camp, or even the sucking at the public nipple camp, we are talking about a senate that has had “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” go through it and it was voted on and passed. This senate had Jim Crow go through it and it passed. This senate had law after law that was overturned by either the Supreme Court or another Senate along the way, not to even mention the crappy bills as of late that had to be voted on in the middle of the night or on Christmas Eve to hide it from the American people. Harry Reid leads a charmed life to have such pillars of colossal ignorance to preach to, let me tell ya. He alone makes reading a script full of lies day in and day out look so easy, when it comes from Obama. Heck it most likely is. ;8o)

Get the new e-book from the mind that brought you this! Superdaddyman and More from the Mind of Jeremy Crow, is over 400 pages of fun and excitement with the Superdaddyman and the Evils's!

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Things You Learn When You Get an ISBN - Volume 1

2011-07-23T14:17:00.001-04:00

Get the new e-book from the mind that brought you this! Superdaddyman and More from the Mind of Jeremy Crow, is over 400 pages of fun and excitement with the Superdaddyman and the Evils's!

Well who knew it was possible for me to actually accomplish something? I mean seriously folks, I just want to point out that it is NOT my MO to actually finish things that I start. Those that have known me a long time know this very well. I have the greatest of intentions when I start off a conquest to do something and there are piles of started and never finished conquests cluttering up my everything everywhere. Blogging was always great for me in those regards because I could write something for a half hour to an hour, post it and be done with it, and even though a lot of what I write takes on a “theme” and takes on a “continuity” it is still after all “finished” with each entry. You can take solace in those things that I have written into the blog with hopes that it will help me to finish them, and it never really does work out that way.

Well here is a feather in my cap finally, as I had it explained to me by the Irish Chic and my chosen McMother {for the fortieth fiftieth, oh I lose count, times over anyway} that I have written a book and it would sell. I just needed to go into the blog and make it book like, or whatever it was I needed to do. My mind immediately saw an easy solution to a long burning problem. I like easy after all, and the good news is like most of the easy things I start in my life I am usually so obsessed with it by the time I realize how difficult it is, I can get at least ninety percent of it done before I quit, so that I can really beat myself up for being a failure. Oh it's such a wonderful world when you have goals, dreams and insane aspirations for your own ruination all the time isn't it?

Well needless to say I forgot to do the “quitting” part this time, and let me tell you that this was NOT as easy as it would sound. Sure I have {get this} over 10,000 11pt font pages of content that I had personally written to choose from, and that would be a starving artists dream would it not? Yeah well, it did cut down the eighty percent that would make up the actual writing of the book, but despite the fact that I have over 1000 entries in a blog to sift through to complete a decent book, it was in the form of 1000 entries that were in no way shape or form in a usable format to publish a book. Last Saturday though I had the drive and determination to do this and do this I did. I sat down with three things open on my desktop {and thank GOD I have two monitors hooked up to my PC} which were a web browser opened up to this blog, notepad so that I could paste the entries I copied into it and remove all of the internet formatting, and of course MS Word which I was using to compile all of the entries I was copying into.

This is where I started seeing the value of perhaps someone buying an e-book with all of my recycled content in it. Aside from the obvious, that it is a great read when it is all laid out there in order, but as I sifted through ALL of my crap to get to the crap that people actually wanted I realized how daunting it was. In a way it was also like God's copyright protection as the average person wouldn't take the time it took me to get at all the stuff worth stealing. Reminds me of how I could care about someone stealing my credit card. If you are that hard up that you will spend all that time to get at the fifty buck of credit left on MY card, then hell you are welcome to it! It took me three strait days of non stop work just to get all of the entries into a document and then another two just to get it into a format that a book publisher would accept. Then it took me another couple of days to link all of it together with a table of contents. This was the perfect opportunity at any of these twists and turns to throw my hands up in the air and quit. I didn't.

Then you throw in a few of the other odd wrinkles that come up when you decide to publish an e-book like say, a cover? That was an interesting wrinkle as well since all of the graphics I have used for the Superdaddyman in the past were either borrowed {like the one Daniel made for me} or questionable {like the South Park characters I made, but might have copyright issues} and this led to me having to start from scratch on an actual Superdaddyman character. Thanks to Don it was pointed out rather quickly that it felt like taking your girlfriend's mother to the prom instead of your girlfriend. On that note I can't say how luck I am to have a talented fiance' that could help me with the coloring and decorating of the new Superdaddyman. Then she was able to help me come up with a cover that would appeal to someone like herself that doesn't read my crap.

I'm sure everyone is so sick already of me saying these things but I give my future wife a lot of credit for kicking me in the ass at times. She's definitely not the first woman to try, and more to the point she really hasn't tried that hard. As we were sitting around talking about our forever and a day plans, I had an epiphany and I still haven't really explained it to her all that much and it has a lot to do with why she doesn't like getting credit for the “me” that has been pushed into finally being “the me” that everyone else has tried to make me. It was a lot easier than I thought and it makes a lot of sense when it gets down to it. During the forever and ever she wholeheartedly wants to move up here and live with me and the kids happily ever after as long as we have each other. But there are two happily ever afters in my mind. There always has been. The happily ever after that gets the kids to adulthood, and then that happily ever after where I live alone and be a dirty old man. Well that's changed now, so I had to in an instant think of how the new happily ever after would go.

It went like this. The kids would get to adult hood just like planned. Then The One and I would work on OUR happily ever after, and that would entail remembering the key phrase which is OUR happily ever after. There would be no New England and everything I hate about it. There would be no Texas {sorry Mom and Dad} which holds no interest for her. There would be a happily ever after that included a little house in a little town where we would love our neighbors and enjoy OUR life together. She has that ability since her business doesn't require her to have an address anywhere in particular, and that's great. It's great that she loves spoiling me and taking care of me, but in the grand scheme of things I have to contribute to US. Realistically I can get a job and I can earn money and I have managed to do as best as I could taking care of my kids and I could do the same in a lot of places. I can't do that in any ol' place though and that is my goal. I knew it and it finally hit me officially that just getting by rooted to the place that I sit is NOT an option anymore, and THAT was exactly what my wonderful fiance' did for me. In a flash of an instant there was an honest urgency to be better for her. Like I said before, my doctor isn't going to ask me if I quit smoking for me, she is just going to be thankful I finally did it. When I win a Pulitzer, like everyone else who ever did it I can get up there and thank the people that made it happen, and not just stand there and thank myself ;8o)

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The Slammer - Chapter 6.1 - Falling Heroes

2011-07-19T14:02:00.000-04:00

Lily could see it written already. The Rise and Fall of Jack Foster would be plastered all throughout the sports world, and no matter what she did she couldn't get him to get the ball down. This might be ok if she could get his slider to slide, or his sinker to sink. Hell if she could get any of his pitches to move or leave the sweet spot, then they would be out of the forth inning already. The 11 to 7 score is making for a very very long game and if she can get Jack past this next batter, and maybe four more then he could have a win he doesn't deserve. The pitcher on the other side is a rookie and a BAD rookie at that, but on the other hand at least he is a bad rookie. Jack is a bad veteran today, and that translates to old.

The next pitch was a beautiful change up out. Of course Lily had signalled for a fast ball in. The sound of the bat striking the ball made it so that Lily didn't want to open her eyes. It was the sound of the batter swearing that got her eyes open again, and she saw the ball being tossed around the infield before it made it back to Jack. Must have been a line shot to someone in the infield, but she didn't know, she didn't care. Lily wanted the next person out, and fast. Jack looked in at Lily as the next batter came to the plate. Lily was now overthinking the game, and she hates doing that. Should she ask for a fastball that will not go fast and drop out at the end? Should she ask for a curveball that will probably rise on her? The batter at the plate could cream a curveball but can't hit the hight heat, what is the risk?

Lily applied the signal and Jack nodded. Lily actually had the thought that if Jack was so comfortable then it probably was a bad call. Then again Jack never shakes her off. He starts into his stretch wind up since the guy standing on second is pretty quick. The pitch came in and started rising just like Lily thought it would and the batter fouled it strait up. Not exactly the desired effect but Lily could work with that. She positioned herself under the ball and got the final out. Jack was already walking towards the dugout with his head down. Of course he deserved to, and it was up to Lily to get into the dugout and figure out what the hell is going on with Jack. Well what is wrong with Jack aside from the obvious that he is losing it really quickly.

Nobody likes to see a player who was so great for so long get old right in front of your eyes, but try being their catcher, and in the middle of a penant race. This thought had been going through Lily's mind over and over again, but her logical mind kept reminding her of some interesting facts throughout. She's already made history. She's already wealthy without baseball, and more to the point, she's already proved her worthiness in this game. Now is the hardest thing in the world for her, to carry the man who probably was the very reason she was crouched down behind the plate. The very reason that she was taking the baseball world by storm. The very reason that a very stupid reporter and a few fans of her skirts that never got around to changing the chanel believe that she is pregnant. Oh Jack Foster is more of an institution to baseball, he is the father figure she had been lacking since that eventful night her parents died after she had spoiled Christmas.

The worst of all of this was the way it was taking it's toll on Jack. His demeaner was changing, and he wasn't all that much fun to be around these days either. He skulked off the mound and sat on the bench in a foul mood. He was the only pitcher she had ever met that didn't have a zone. He had a zip code and enough room for everyone to be inside it. Even before she had been a member of the Red Sox, she would watch Jack on television making water bombs out of barf bags from the planes that he took to the away games and launch them into the crowd. It's why for at least fifteen of the last twenty years Jack has been THE biggest draw in baseball. He eliminated home field advantage by being THE person that was being rooted for in any venue, and don't think he didn't know that that in and of itself was worth a water bomb between innings that he pitched. Now he brings out the Boo-Birds in his own venue, and as fickle and harsh as a Boston fan is, you never get used to falling out of that pink cloud. Lily was having a hard time forgiving the fans for that, especially today.

Now as she starts pulling off her equipment to be the second batter in this inning Lily realizes that she is psyching herself off the batting "zone" that she maintains as she so desperately want to do whatever is neccessary to get this game out of reach and into the "easy win" category for her fallen hero. She didn't have the yips earlier, but they come on strong and hard and are a real bitch to shake. Years of doing "girlie things" have come in real handy as a catcher though, since Lily get's her gear off and on faster than anyone in the league. The YES network actually did a half hour special on it and she managed to catch it when she was in New York for that interleague series with the Mets. She had never seen it that way and wasn't offended in the least but there were plenty of women's groups that got up in arms on her behalf.

Standing in the batter's ring, Lily could feel her swing dropping a bit. She reminded herself to stop thinking about it and simply use that eye she was graced by God with. The batter ahead of her was enjoying the only pitcher in this park that could pitch worse than Jack throw the third ball to him. One and three the umpire signals, and Valez never gets the green light to swing, and for good reason. He's a big cut, little ability sort of batter but man can he play short stop. If this pitcher is THAT bad then he won't even be able to sneak an easy fast ball past him, and guess what? He didn't as ball four was signalled so that Valez could trot off to first base and await Lily's response at the plate.

You have no idea how difficult it is to hit a baseball in Major League Baseball. Seriously, if you do your job, which is to hit a baseball, forty percent of the time you go down as a God and have a plaque with your face on it in Cooperstown. The last person to do it wore one of these uniforms and did it before World War II ended, so it isn't exactly common. Any little life change, and Lily herself has mused over trying to hit a baseball with menstral cramps, can completely change how well you do something so intricate. And it's like a terrifying form of impotency during times like this when you get waht Lily affectionately and spitefully call it the yips and fall prey to your own mind. This is even more complicated when you have an eratic pitcher. Only the best hitters truly understand how far off base the science is when a bad pitcher throws to you. Especially if thier ball darts and moves. Most of the time you can stand there and watch a walk happen but good hitters hate that. They want to hit the fences everytime.

Lily not only is a great hitter, who is flirting around that magical four hundred that every baseball player dreams about, but she is also a girl who wants to help her daddy win the big game. Think about it a bit and you'll understand that all three factors are enough to make an emotional mess of anyone. Her stance in the batters box is even a bit awkward for a change, but it is by design as the balls tend to cut in on the batters hard with this guy. The first one demonstrated that as it came within an eyelash of hitting her kneecap. Add that to the mix as a catcher fears the kneecap shot more than any other errant pitch. She tightens her stance a bit more which doesn't add to her security, but appears to fool the pitcher into thinking it does. Don't think the pitcher doesn't have the yips as well faced by the proclaimed "Goddess of Baseball" as he had read it on the front page of his own morning paper that day.

The pitcher curled in using that strange windup that he does that nobody could get a clue about, but still had no problem either hitting the crap out of, or watching the balls add up all day. He doesn't bother using a stretch stance anymore as that had been an abstract failure. His arm comes over himself three quarters, as the ball started raging in with what appears to be a little more zip than it had to Lily's well trained eye. It also was still wobbling like a dying butterfly which in a year or two will make this a class A pitcher to be feared in the game. Today is not the time though, as Lily's arms swung the bat in with a punishing up swing that lifted the ball strait up in the air. The ball litterally left the vision of every person on the field, and most of the fans in the seats. Of course it didn't matter, as she also hit it with so much hip power that it won't even hit the earth in sight of this baseball field. The Goddess of Baseball has rendered this pitcher unworthy … to be continued

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And Then There Were Two - Volume 2

2011-07-18T14:31:00.000-04:00

I have been going through all of my old blogs in an effort to write a book using as many of them as I can, and hopefully make some money, for both of you that are wondering what I am up to. At this point I had to take a break because I have 350 pages [11 pt font to boot] of copy, paste, edit so far and my wrists are killing me worse than that time I found porntube! I have only gotten to the beginning of 2008 at that point as well, and as I had been telling myself the whole way, “You stop writing as much and you stopped writing humorous stuff,” I am finding out that I don't remember myself all that well either. To be honest with you I have been learning more about my last 6 years than I had thought I remembered even.

First I noticed that I had the big draw time when I was on Yahoo. My ego went insane and I crashed and burned. We all know this. Then came the Myspace time. Ego, crash, burn and a trend is born. What I hadn't realized as if I had put it out of my mind was something that had happened after the whole 2006 campaign of self destruction. I watched as my blogs got more political, excellently written to be fair, but horribly boring to the people that read me, and as I was there I was expecting it to get easier. Well it didn't because I had forgotten that I had a renaissance period where my popularity and writing came back in full force and I had totally blocked it from my mind. Of course again I waned and went more political because I am a moody son of a bitch, but 2007 believe it or not was my biggest writing year, and I had written so much more brilliantly than I had in the beginning that it was almost my self destructive side that was taking me off game.

It was also the most emotionally complex year for me, and I often forget about all of that too. It started with my destruction of an entire online community as many people out there in Cyber-ia remember, some fondly, most angrily. That still makes me smile, I'm sorry but it was a great closure to my whole “look at me look at me” attitude, and I have since gotten over that, thank GOD. It went for a while with a great hay-day to my writing, and then as I looked through the archives it all crashed and burned, and I was trying to figure out why? Well I know why as I was looking over a blog entry called “Superdaddyman Takes on the Iron Triad – Part 1” and was trying to figure out why there never was a part 2. Initially I read through it and said to myself, “Self, you need to finally write that Part 2” but when I was done I couldn't remember how the story ended. Go figure?

That's when it all dawned on me. In a span of about 3 months after I had written that I had rushed off to Florida to take care of my father who was in a coma, brought him back here, and spent a good portion of an already over-taxed life taking care of him and all of his affairs. Mix this in with the single father responsibilities, the full time employee responsibilities, and everything else, and I was basically done as a publicity hound. For the last 3 years I have basically accepted my mediocrity and written purely to amuse myself. The story itself also basically demonstrated the official end of my integrating my fans, girlfriends, and nemesis' online into my blogs, and I know exactly why that was. The woman I had been carrying out my online love life with off and on for almost two years finally smartened up and left me. The people who still looked at my blog to see what was up every once in a while finally forgot about me {except for Don and Cathy of course, as I noted they were the two in that story that still check in near daily, cuz they LOVE ME!! insert big grin smiley here} as they should because I am not very dependable. Most of all I had finally fallen to that state of obscurity that I wasn't worthy of stalkers anymore, and I have to say ego or not I am THRILLED that I am unworthy, trust me.

In all it wasn't worth all of my foibles, and more over it is kinda good that I had shrunken down to nothing so that I could take all of the crap I had written {I totaled it all, and it would equal 22,000 pages of 11pt type, son of a bitch did I do some writing over the years} and draw out all of the humorous, with a small amount of un-humorous background material that fits in with the time line and helps explain some of it, into a book that might be new and fresh to someone. I'm way more than half way there after 2 days of working on it, and the hard part really will just be formatting it and thinking up what it is realistically worth for a 700 page book of recycled crap. I'm also reasonably happy that my best writing went wholly unnoticed in the last two years and will be a welcome surprise in the whole kludge. In the end it doesn't matter because it is just a first step to finally being what so many have thought I could be. Sometimes even myself. ;8o)

P.S Still waiting for my last graphic to be accepted by the t-shirt company LOL

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Still Crowing After All These Years - Volume 1

2011-07-16T11:47:00.001-04:00

Well here I am, a newly accepted starving artist {in more ways than one} trying to get my writing rocking and rolling, and at the same time figure out a revenue stream to offset things like “overtime” and “more responsibility” at my own job. The answer was pretty clear as it was laid out by The One, that I should start selling crap online, and see how that goes. Well that in and of itself has become quite a daunting time waster and aside from the fact that I could get a decent blog out of it, makes me want to rip my hair out. Now those that actually understand me, please raise your hand? Thank you both, but I guess I will have to go more into detail for the other two reading this. You see I have one strange problem I inherited from my mother, which is the ability to deflect all that is goo into all that which is unattainable. This will satisfy two needs, one of which being the need to fail, and the other being the need to blame.

It works like this, you see I became an ok writer. I had popularity anyway, and it seemly looked like it would never go away. I was even able to carry it along with me to several places. No matter how good or inspired I got at it there was always a need to destroy it and quit. I did this several times and was either successful {at the quit and disappear part} or unsuccessful {as I would always come back} and then I would need a new thing to dominate my writing time, and make it official. The most notable go around was when I started my small career as an e-mail artist, and was rather successful at that too. Well until I quit, to go back to writing, or was it the websites that did it to me? Oh I can't even keep my failings strait, but you get my point here. This time is no different though but with a twist. My desire to write is for a change not just for me but for someone else {I already made my opinions known on the “You gotta do it for you” crowd} so my mind has to work a bit harder to derail me right now.

This is where the company that will brand my things comes in. It appears that everything I try to put on a T-Shirt or Coffee Mug or what have you is either too over the top political, too copyrighted, too closely related to something a content partner does, or too tasteless. This has been driving me up the wall, and has been making it hard to concentrate on the other things. This is Jeremy 101 at it's finest. Find a problem, immerse yourself in it, fail at what you really should be doing. My poor fiance is probably losing her own hair after each time I stomp my feet and say, “I quit!” just to have me turn around later and say, “Oh I think I have the problem solved now,” and then of course the “I quit!” when they refuse another graphic. Does it really matter? Well f*ck yeah it really matters! This is life changing stuff here as I jump up and down seeking approval dontchaknow?

I figured the safest thing I could brand is my own website, correct? Well now I have to think again on that one. Apparently, there are problems with this as well. For example the graphic that appears on the front page has to be perfectly untraceable in the least to anything anyone else has done. I have to take any mean spirited things that I have said about Zippy the Wonder POTUS out of clear eye shot. I have to make sure that whatever Google Ad appears on the side isn't infringing on the rights of one of the advertisers of the printing company. I have to make sure that it looks good, and I have to make sure that I fill out all of the forms properly. After all that work is completed I have probably wasted an hour or two of writing time and then I sit and wait for the denial of graphic by TOS in my e-mail box. “I quit!” followed by stewing over how I can make it work next time, followed by the Monotony-Go-Round that it has all become.

As you see I have taken painstaking efforts to use a graphic that not only have I made all the images and brushes for, but engineered the filters, and created the font! Yeah yeah I know that was a huge waste of time if it doesn't work but they have me by the shorties here until I make this work damnit! Obsessive compulsive are my two middle names after all. I have written a blog entry that in no way offends The Racist in chief {ok maybe just a little but most stones don't bleed people puh-leeze!} and I will be completely perplexed if this doesn't work all the same. I have made a pact with myself that after I hit the gym, post this blog, snap the screen cap, edit the graphic up and submit it, I am done at least for today. I have a lot of writing to do and a lot of great reasons to get it done. I hope you all have a great weekend. ;8o)

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Musical Methadone and Mental Masterbation - Volume 27

2011-07-15T15:49:00.000-04:00

It was a strange strange day, as the temperatures were changing ever so rapidly throughout the streets. The winds whipped around as if to say that crime fighting wouldn't be an inevitability but a necessity as a new but awkwardly familiar evil was in the air, so much so that even the mere masses without super crime fighting abilities could feel it. This is never a good thing for it makes the job of everyone's favorite super villain turned super hero that much more difficult with everyone expecting an end placed on all this evil and {as we all know} it is hard for most people to comprehend his level of heroic brilliance. Even the long shlog into Pink Mafia Headquarters is rather tentative the evil is cutting through the air like a knife at the moment.

The Caped Pervader isn't without his resources though in times like these. He's in contact the whole time on the Superdaddymobile Com Line with his newest and most important ally in the fight against evil, the One {1} or as she is most commonly referred to as Wifey Finkerbean {WFB} in her everyday disguise when she is out with that simpering weenie, Jeremy Crow {DOLT}. Our brave young crime fighter is lax on his duties of protecting the fair maidens of Megalopolis, as his mind is wandering about the newest plan {LOVE} and plotting such evil schemes as romance. Of course this does throw a new wrinkle into his mind as the musical scales in his head fill with such things as “love songs.” “There's a flame, flame in my heart. And there's no rain, can put it out. And there's a flame, it's burning in my heart. And there's no rain, ooh can put it out. So just hold me, hold me, hold me”

This is quite a dilemma for the Superdaddyman you see as he needs to draw upon all of his super abilities tonight as he has already been alerted {from the last few nights in particular} to another invasion by the evil Tempspanicans. Yes those foul creatures that inhabit the Pink Mafia Headquarters {PMHQ} from time to time, in an effort to be “efficient” in the manufacture of evilling devices, are anything but to a super hero that has every intention of cleaning up Megalopolis for good. Literally the Tempspanicans {from the nation of Tempspanica of course} are quite the handful. Certain things like “self respect” “civility” and most of all “cleanliness” appear to be as foreign as the language they speak in PMHQ. “Take the pain, inside my soul. And I'm afraid, so all alone. Take away the pain, is burning in my soul. Cause I'm afraid that I'll be all alone. So just hold me, hold me, hold me,” floating through the head of the Superdaddyman is NOT making it easy to use the proper amount of Smackdownfu on these people as they violate the very nature of a clean PMHQ.

The methadone for the “love songs” flowing through our brave young {STFU he is young damnit!} super heroes head aren't coming as quickly as they should. Partially because of the fact that it is a new dilemma in his head and partially because of the evil spell {hey we all have some evil in us!} that the One {1} has the Superdaddyman under. One would wonder if he even has the ability to fight evil with all the hearts and flowers that are floating about in his brain, but we are talking about the greatest crime fighter in history after all! Even the weaselly Jeremy Crow {DOLT} would know exactly how to settle this situation, should he need to. He just of course wouldn't have the superior abilities to pull it off like the Superdaddyman does! It was entering the contra-ban region {break room} of PMHQ that he spies out the perfect opportunity! The largest of all the Tempspanicans, all 7 foot 6 inches of English bangling monster from a southern region of Tempspanica {Africa} and the messiest of all of them is sitting playing on the computer, while a ginormous mess lays there just behind him on one of the cleaned an hour ago tables, and the Superdaddyman is ready to smack this bully down like he learned in those prison movies. “Hold on to my heart, to my heart, to me. Hold on to my heart, to my heart, to me. And oh no, don't let me go cause all I am. You hold in your hands, and hold me. And I'll make it through the night. And I'll be alright, hold on, hold on to my heart!”

“What the f*ck is wrong with you? Clean up your sh*t, before I use you to clean up your sh*t!” the Superdaddyman casually stated in his dulcet tones upon entering the lair. The Tempspanican jumped to his feet and started cleaning up the mess as quickly as his 7 foot of legs would carry him, apologizing the whole time. The awesome presence of the Superdaddyman obviously bringing any and all evil to it's knees before him. Heaven and earth can be moved in the very fabric of the bellows from such awe inspiring might and goodness! The Tempspanican set himself back down at the computer obviously in abstract terror, and knowing his place. He'll never try that again! “Well here comes Johnny with his pecker in his hand. He's a one ball man and he's off to the rodeo. And it's Allemande left and Allemande right. Come on ya f-*-c-k-i-n' dummy get your right step right. Get off stage ya goddam goof, ya know. Ya p-i-s-s me off, f-*-c-k-i-n' jerk, get on my nerves” ah there's the blessed methadone we needed!

All content in his super abilities our hero proceeds to walk out of the lair of the evil Tempspanicans ready to take on the rest of the PMHQ. The only thing to interfere with the progress of the brave crime fighter as he makes his way to the next obstacle to a great night was the tapping on his shoulder from Paco Taco {the arch nemesis} who had a huge smirk on his face. In his most bored look upon the face of the Superdaddyman revealed that it was time for Paco Taco to speak and he did, “Yanno? That wasn't his mess in there?” and that revelation hit like a shot across the bow. “He hadn't even eaten yet,” and of course Paco Taco took great delight in pulling what would appear to be a fast one on the Caped Pervader, before he walked off. Our Crime fighter stood there for a moment thinking over his next move into action. Definitely a night to put that dead mouse he found the night before in Paco Taco's desk for spoiling his hard fought victory! “Slap the turkey neck and it's hangin from a pigeon wing. You can't write if you can't relate. Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate. And my time is a piece of wax, fallin' on a termite. That's chokin on the splinters. Soy un perdedor. I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me? (Get crazy with the Cheeze Whiz)” ah sh*t not THAT song again! ;8o)

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Let's Talk About Health Baby - Volume 8

2011-07-13T13:47:00.001-04:00

You have to love my little Jeremy-isms especially as they pertain to “around the gym” but I want you all to understand that I speak only from experience here. My years of the University of New Hampshire's affectionately labeled “Foods and Doods” program sent me scurrying away with a degree I never used to earn a living, a head full of knowledge, and a starting point. Twenty years later I have found that experience from week to week is really all I remember about the whole ordeal, and that goes for both the mental, the physical, and even at times the spiritual aspect of diet and exercise. In the end most of my revelations on diet and exercise come as a complete accident.

My theory of the “Everything Day” was a great example of this. After my divorce from the mother of my children I started going out to Durham for an AA meeting every Thursday. I was in the process of starving myself anyway, so it was a good night to hang out with friends and eat pizza, and for the most part I imagined that it was because I needed nutrients somewhere. Initially I noticed strength and even weight loss gains that were very significant, and more over very startling. With a little obsessive research on my own I realized that humans like all animals will seek out the nutrients we lack the rest of the time when we allow ourselves to. It's like when I tell someone that a cat eats grass even if it is poisonous to them. Carnivores don't eat vegetation do they? Well apparently they do when they aren't getting the right nutrients in their cat food, and then they simply throw up the rest after they get the vitamins they lack. It's called instincts. In the end everyone who has done this “experiment” has had a much healthier diet and much better results. We can all white knuckle our way to that one day a week when kitty bar the door, it's on baby.

Lately I have had an interesting wrinkle to one of my favorite well proven theories. All people workout better when they have a dedicated every day training partner. The reasoning is endless, but the most important examples are the proper amount of rest between sets, when you alternate, the proper amount of “lift assistance” to finish out sets that are a bit too heavy, and if you are someone who lifts with a partner of the opposite sex, then ego gratification when you show off a little. All of these things are perfectly normal, and I go a step further to say that lifting with your significant other brings it to another level where as you have more quality time together, have something to share, and also have someone who more often than not will be completely honest with you about form and balance. Many don't have that luxury, and often many don't find someone who will share the same goals as them. This is pretty important too because we all know how the story goes. Spouse doesn't care about their health you stop caring about your health. You both grow equally miserable together. Well for those that have never tried it, the opposite is very much the truth as well.

Lately I have had to alter this theory a little since my fiance and I are separated by quite a few miles at this point of the game as we both get our houses in order. It's a bit painful but it is also cleansing as we both act not only like little kids in love, but also mature adults in logic. We both work out somewhat religiously and heaven forbid we both take a moment to think of something other than each other right now, but somehow it worked itself out, and again rather by accident. I found myself taking my cell phone into the gym with me to take pictures of myself between body parts, and then send them along to her, and to send her a text message between sets. We both shoot back encouragement to each other, and it has actually added an extra dimension to my workouts. It's also added a bit extra time between my sets that quite frankly was needed as I feel significant gains this last week. It also gives her an opportunity to keep a reasonable documentation through the pictures of how I am transforming my figure from week to week. Would I rather her be here with me working out beside me? Well of course damnit, but my ability to find a way to fill in the void was natural and very very effective. I think there is a possibility that this cat was outside eating grass and I didn't even realize it?

Take to heart one important message that I wanted to get across to all of my health followers. This is just another piece to a complicated puzzle of finding balance in your day to day workouts. You don't need to be “in love” with the person you work out with, and you don't even need to be “in the same room” with the person you work out with either. The important thing is to work out. Even if you have no real goal in mind the actual starting and continuing is the important part, until you find the groove that keeps you going, and then the purpose for why you do it will follow, as well as the ways to accomplish the goals you realize. There are ALWAYS people there to help you out. I have even found excellent videos from plain old people on YouTube that like me figured something out and then are so happy that they did they want to share it. The first step to any form of improvement is willingness to improve. The second step is the actual doing it. The third step is finding that groove that keeps you going, and the fourth step is learning to love the results no matter how small they appear, until you figure out again the “other” groove that makes the goals seem attainable. ;8o)

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Endings and Beginnings - Volume 1

2011-07-10T23:44:00.000-04:00

It's hard to imagine that a forty one year old know it all can continue to go on and on about the things he learns from day to day, and worse yet post it to a blog constantly like his own cheerleader to an audience of one, but here I am. I've known for many years, and you can blame my blog and the audience I used to have coupled with the audience I continue to have, for my various brain droppings but in the end I have found that putting things to type often places them in my brain forever, or at least until I learn differently. The one trend I have maintained throughout, and more to the point was the reason I started this blog, was that I was an abstract failure at love and relationships. I've worn it as a badge of honor at times and more often than not used it as a club to beat back any potential suitors that I have had. Ask around, my combination of fickle and jaded is almost legendary.

My last few relationships have been woefully inept, and I can blame whomever I want, but in the end I have done it to myself and willingly take credit for the failures that they were, and would do it all again were I in similar positions. My life is complicated and I don't like it that way, but I have managed to fit it into the rules of dating. My strict code of conduct was downright hated by my last two girlfriends, and in the end they have every right to hate me for it. I still don't apologize for who I am and why, and as full of shit as they thought I was, or at the very least tried to convince me I was, they were far worse and in spades. It's my ex wife's job to fuck up my kids and not mine. It's also not my job to assist in the fucking up of other people's kids, and if I spent time alone because of it, then in the end I was perfectly fine with that. Then you had the fact that I used these arguments as an excuse for why I was the way I was.

The reality of the matter is that it's been a long sting of women that I didn't trust enough to completely give myself over to, and without airing their laundry I will just say I was right, and at worst could say that I was wasting large quantities of my own time in an effort to maintain a level of normalcy while also maintaining a level of fucked up. The rules I imposed on my “relationships” for lack of a better word {no playing house, no interfering with real life issues, no introductions to the family for quite some time, and a myriad of etc's that get even sillier as I list them out} had more to do with what a rotten picker I was in women, than what I was doing to protect the normalcy of my house. Heaven forbid I just pick better women and stop giving in to the easier softer way. I could apologize for my relationship behavior, but while I am woefully inept at the whole thing, I also was proven right by the women I never let into my world completely. No harm no foul, or perhaps, no big loss.

Of course all of this could change if I accidentally let my guard down. That's what happened three weeks ago while I should have been moping over my last failed relationship. The last one was one of the “I'll never do THAT to you, until I do THAT to you” ones. In the end she said exactly what I said she would at the beginning of the relationship and until the very end swore she wasn't going to, until she did. The fact that I didn't care says more about me than it did about her. Worse than that I was ready to start the “moping” process I always enjoy after a ended relationship, but forgot to close up and act miserable so that all the women would avoid me. I tried to play the “aloof and unaffected” card I often do when I am not in total disgusting mopery, and it was a complete and utter failure. Well it was a failure as far as being unattainable. A woman walked into my life and she flat out refused to accept my unworthiness that I tried to display. In the beginning I assumed that when she realized how difficult it was to fall for me she would come to her senses and go on to better pastures. She didn't.

The fact of the matter was she flattered me immensely with her can do, will do attitude, and she made it happen. Let's be honest here, but I am so used to women coming along and then expecting me to fall for them and then carry them, that it took me totally by surprise that a wonderful woman who needed nothing from me came along and refused to accept my unworthiness of her. Because of her I quit smoking {exactly 3 weeks to the minute that I am writing this} and took an entire week off from work to spend a honeymoon like vacation with her, which she did about 90 percent of the work to make happen, and it was without a doubt ten of the greatest days of my life followed by the hardest good-bye for now that I had ever experienced. As I write this I can tell you all that are reading this that it is excruciating separation anxiety that I am feeling as I write this, and it actually feels wonderful. Did I really have the capacity to be so totally in love with someone that I didn't even know a month ago? The answer to that question is a complete and utter yes definitely.

There is a scary component to all of this as well, for those that know my history, because many of the usual reasons that my relationships end have been taken off the table already. Everything has fallen into place at such breakneck speed and so comfortably that there would have to be some intervention from God, that has completely stripped my will from the whole thing. I even came back from my vacation stating quite simply that she is going to be my final wife, which had Greektradgedius Inyiddish immediately pointing out to me that I should watch myself and take my time, blah blah blah blah. The usual things that anyone would be concerned for but what took me completely off guard was the reaction from Imtoocutus over the whole thing. She immediately started pointing out {and with a maturity that spread vast beyond her ten years on this earth} that her and Captain ADHD had had a discussion about her and they think she is great and I should keep her forever. It was extremely mature the way she defended the statement to GTIY and to go beyond that it also rendered her speechless. Yeah I broke that usual vow and introduced her to the kids. It was obvious to them anyway that the two of us are beautiful together and I am grateful that she was there to step up to the plate on what would appear to be her father's insanity if people didn't know better. Who should know better than the youngest daughter who until recently had made jokes about never meeting daddy's girlfriends.

I learned a lot about myself this week and aside from letting anyone reading this in on what is going on in my life, I want to share a few of these things. First and foremost I learned through the eyes of a wonderful woman that I am completely worthy of absolutely all the happiness that she is GIVING me. I learned that I am completely capable of being everything that a woman wants without the whole feeling that the other shoe is going to drop. Trust me when I say that is a big one. I also know what it is like to have someone to look up to. She has been my muse as I have been writing up a storm the last few weeks, desperately in need to complete my writings, and bring my life to the next level. The meaning I had found in my own inherent irresponsibility as of late completely drained from me, and yanno what? I also learned what people mean by the love of a good woman. It's a sad pile of pablum that everything you do has to be done because you want to. All of my years in Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me that the ONLY thing I 100% have to do for myself is not drink. Beyond that you can do anything you want for whatever damn reason you want and sometimes it is perfectly ok to do things for someone else. I'm pretty sure when I tell my doctor that I quit smoking for a woman she will be just as happy as if I did it for myself. I'm damn sure when these two books get finished, and I can get started on my graphic novel I plan to make out of the third, nobody is going to say, “but did you do it for you?” ;8o)

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Rhetoric and Reality - A Tale of Two Americas - Volume 4

2011-06-28T02:52:00.000-04:00

This presidential season is going to be a fun one for the most part, so I want to make sure I get my rundown out there ahead of time for all of you, so that you can either quote me or pick on me about it all, but don't doubt me here. I live in New Hampshire after all and I have a lot more insight on a lot of things thanks to a two year smashing of ads, bullshit, media spin and other crap that most people aren't going to get across the country because at least half of these people will be out of the race. My thoughts so far are pretty simple, and at this stage of the game I just want to talk about how the media is spinning these people on us. That's what we are going to see for the next year anyway, as every media figure spends large quantities of time trying to tell you how to think as opposed to .. yanno .. report news.

I'll start with the easy and the obvious ones first. We have Michelle Bachmann. She's a darling of the Tea Party which in and of itself will start towing the company line of “she is evil.” For those of you who haven't allowed Tea Party spin to shape your belief system that a bunch of old ladies holding signs are the second coming of Adolf Hitler, you probably are already laughing along with me. Basically I say this is easy because as a female conservative candidate, there are two things the media throws out. She's a slut or she's an idiot. Nobody in their right mind {and that even means the most far left communist leaning deniers} would go after Bachmann for being a slut and come out of it with any credibility, so the “idiot” angle has already started. They are starting off slow by installing comments like “ditsy” or “flaky” until they can start morphing them into more damning words, until they can flat out call her an “idiot” like they do Sarah Palin now. For those of you that don't understand me, just throw out that Sarah Palin is an idiot at the beginning of a sentence and watch how I treat you. Non thinking human beings should just be ground up into dog food as far as I am concerned.

Then we have the next tier of Tea Party favorites which I will briefly go into, just because the media will for a time at least simply treat them like they don't exist or don't have enough popularity to make it through Iowa. Ron Paul being the most notable, and despite the fact that I like the guy and agree with about two thirds of what he is about, there is the die hard Ron Paul supporter out there. These are usually former liberals that are now angry in a different direction, either as they get older or are far too young and just want to hate on their dumbass liberal parents. These people are totally intolerable because you CANNOT talk to them. They memorize cue cards and do not allow for any debate. It's like talking to an Obama supporter who ignores every one of his flaws and knows the cue card of “You're a racist” to anyone who doesn't like him. Ron Paul is the only candidate in the race I root against just in hopes that his fans will be miserable at the end of it all, or like I often say, “He is the Dallas Cowboys of politics. It's not the team it's the fans that you hate.”

Then you have Rick Santorum who in a perfect world, if the Tea Party truly was organized enough and able to take over the world with their evil plots of {gasp} freedom and liberty for everyone, would win the Republican nomination hands down. The major media simply pretends he's never on the stage unless he says something they can convince you is crazy, then he will be front and center and the voice of all Republicans. Many of his “crazy” beliefs on abortion, military, governmental lay offs, welfare reform, tax reform etc etc actually tend to be mainstream if purely on a person to person basis. The biggest problem we have with people like this is that in the battle of media time the average person who actually pays attention to the news tends to believe everything they hear. You never know, but I think with Michelle Bachmann in the race Rick Santorum has some problems ahead especially with people like myself who isn't so much anti-war as I am anti-endlesswar and don't appreciate the less than firm grasp of how wars in the middle east work that comes from Rick Santorum and I get the feeling that we could never see an end to any of them. Don't get me wrong. I believe in some blinding force and a decisive victory and then a return home. I don't think the average politician has the stones in general but Rick Santorum appears to be a go along with it for God knows how long. Type of guy.

I also think you have to put Newt Gingritch in this category. I don't know why he ends up with his head caught inside his ass as often as he does, but trust me when I say before he was speaker of the house and a philanderer, he was the strongest Reagan Conservative in the house. He was famous for having “after house meeting” press conferences where he would preach conservatism with the best of them. Now with that said he is not even in MY top 5 candidates because especially if you are in politics, people who cheat on their spouses are just plain dishonest and I don't want them. If you don't like that opinion then fuck ya, write your own blog. More to the point, I think anyone who is a well known politician having an affair on their spouse is not only dishonest but has very poor judgment skills. YOU WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH IT FOREVER and you will be forever judged by it. On that note though there are others who don't care about that or worse yet play the “they all do it card” {or as I like to say, I don't care if the world gets better Oprah is on} who will still vote for Newt.

Last in this category is Gary Johnson. Don't count him out either. He only stands for about half of what I do, but I really like the guy and trust him to always do the right thing when given the opportunity. He's a bit different of a Libertarian style candidate than Ron Paul and his supporters aren't obnoxious. The news is treating him like a joke and he didn't even get invited to the last debate, but as I said I like him, and would be perfectly happy to vote for him if he won the nomination. That's saying a lot considering that he is the only honestly pro-choice candidate in the race. Let's go back to Jeremy's rule on the pro-choice pro-life issues. I am very pro-life but I DO NOT think it is a political issue. It is a political football and they have been tossing that football around since the 70's. I like candidates that agree with my stance, but whether they do or not it will never change. Abortion is legal and will be until I am old and grey and well beyond.

Now before I get into the caveats of the candidates the news media is forcing on you, I want you to understand one thing and one thing alone before you formulate an opinion on any of them. The people who are singing the praises of these candidates, and telling you who you should like and why will NEVER vote for any of them. They already have their plans set to go into the polls, place their checkmark under the donkey's ass {meaning they probably don't even take the time to pick candidates individually and just vote strait ticket Democrat they are so in the bag} and if you don't see that for what it is worth then you don't stand a chance of understanding what they are trying to do. The top line candidates according to the media are either so full of flaws that they know they can destroy them during the general election, or they know the real Republicans will sit home rather than go vote for them. They still hold out hope that they can get enough Republicans to sit home because despite their spin to the contrary, at this point Obama gets murdered in this next election. It's laughable to see them bend the spoken word to say the opposite, but it is what they do.

In the interest of burying Caesar as opposed to singing his praises, let me start with Mitt Romney. The media desperately wants to get this guy the nomination because Barack Obama will be able to play Captain Progressive and tease him about all the things he did. It will work too and by the end of it no conservative will even bother to go out and vote. The first debate when Obama says, “I liked your healthcare plan so much I replicated it and now everyone hates it, blame you Mitt blame YOU,” and I don't care how good Mitt is at speaking he'll look like a complete dolt. Let's throw in the things that the average person doesn't bother to look up because they are too lazy. Romney threw the sitting Governor of Massachusetts under the bus, then took her job, and then did it REALLY REALLY BAD. He spent about 1 year pretending to be governor and then started the perpetual road trip running for president in every other state. He left his Lt. Governor there to get all the blame, do all the work and in the end swing from a noose when she ran for Governor. Even by the standards of someone who watches Massachusetts politics and think those nimrods are hilarious the way Romney turned a glowingly bipartisan state back to a left wing Socialist island was pretty scary.

Then we get to Tim Pawlenty, or as most people called him, Tim Who? He's a pretty decent candidate, but in the end he doesn't have the name recognition to get into the fray. I do like how he admits his mistakes. This is an issue that Romney doesn't have. Pawlenty did a “Cap n Trade” exploratory committee that he takes a lot of crap about. His explanation is priceless. I appointed a committee to see if it was a good idea. The committee decided it wasn't, I agreed with them, and we dumped the idea as a whole. That's the basic gist of what he said and I didn't want to put it in quotes because it was a paraphrase. Pawlenty also broke the public sector unions in his state and as you see Wisconsin and New Jersey explode with this issue, the fact that Pawlenty got a state like Minnesota {It doesn't make me popular to point this out but these people are stupid enough to elect Al Franken to the senate so that says something} to go right-ish and cut their spending and fix a LOT of their budgetary issues means he deserves legitimate consideration. The Pro-Life crowd out there can also take solace that Pawlenty got some serious abortion limiting legislation through as well.

Herman Cain is actually more top shelf than he gets credit for in the media. As someone who lives in NH and {to be fair and disclose} firmly in the Herman Cain camp himself, his campaign has legs. There is a very strong anti-politician lean going on in the country. The two knocks I constantly hear from the “right leaning” media {who aren't worth a pound of crap either} is that he doesn't have policy experience and he doesn't always think before he speaks. Trust me BOTH of which are very endearing to a lot of people right now. He's a very articulate man as well who's “My gret grandparents were slaves and now I am running for President of the United States .. WHAT A GREAT COUNTRY” campaign makes people fall in love with him. This isn't helping the media as they try to show him as a racist Islamaphobe these days partly because he is black but mostly because the average American feels the same way he does and understands exactly his point even when he says it wrong. If I were running for president you bet your ass that I would take a second look at any devout Muslim that I would “potentially” place in my cabinet BECAUSE they have separate sets of laws that are supposed to be ahead of any man's laws, and the average non-Muslim think they are pretty demented even if we do respect their right to have those beliefs. If you don't like it tough.

Lat but not least we have Jon Huntsman. Former governor of Utah. Most people reading this probably just learned that for the first time. He will be the most rammed down your throat candidate out there and rather than go into long unimportant explanations about why and what he is about let me sum up why the news media so desperately wants this guy to be the Republican nominee in 6 words for you. “John McCain with even less charisma” .. Now think of the last presidential election .. And the one that pitted Bill Clinton against Bob Dole .. Then the one that pitted Gerald Ford against Jimmy Carter .. This is the trend when the media picks your candidates ;8o)

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Still Evil After All These Years - Volume 1

2011-06-27T14:18:00.000-04:00

The call went out from a super secret locale, the hide out if you will, of one of the most diabolical criminals known to mankind. A very important ally but often an unwitting adversary, had placed this call, and the Superdaddyman was on it. This wouldn't have happened had he gotten the caller ID fixed but it is what it is, as the voice of Mini Evil's warden on the other end told our brave young {HEY! Write your own blog!} super villain turned super hero that there was a sit down that had to be watched closely going on on the other side of Megalopolis. She had even encouraged the Caped Pervader to bring along the fiendish Imtoocutus, so that he can pretend to watch her fiddle around in the water while secretly keeping watch over a dozen of the most diabolical minds in the universe plot their evil.

It started off smoothly enough. Imtoocutus was rather excited to get out of the compound known to all as the Casa di Evils's and take a road trip to diabolical places unknown. She immediately started demonstrating her powers of evil by packing for a two week trip to Europe, and when finished perched herself and her 35 pounds of crap behind the Superdaddyman in {what once was the super secret} Superdaddycave, doing the haven't quite gotten going version of “are we there yet .. are we there yet” forcing the Superdaddyman to use the line he had learned from his jailor when he was a little evil himself, “When I was a boy, we NEVER got there .. AND WE LIKED IT!” In the end the crap was all loaded into the new smaller version of the Superdaddymobile {and he barely escaped having to remove seats} and away they went.

It was like an explosion of chaos the second the Superdaddyman and Imtoocutus appeared at the secret beach location of Mini Evil's {and by Mini Evil we mean as tall as Superdaddyman now, what diabolical transformation device was used on this crazed evil lunatic over the last 5 years I will never know} penitentiary. Dozens of ADHD riddled lunatics were running around looking like huge hummingbirds tossing objects in the air. Beach balls, frisbees, whiffle balls, cupcakes, popcorn, cats, chunks of lawn, it was all up in the air with little streaks of super evil smoke going from point to point. It was pandemonium, and Mini Evils's warden was actually sitting there smiling and playing backgammon with her sister. How in the name of God Superdaddyman will never know. It was uncanny the way she would just lazily reach into one of the clouds of smoke screaming around the yard and pull out the right diabolical genius, said “Don't do that” to them, and then placed them back into the cloud of smoke to disappear again in the streak of cloud and lightning. Even the super vision abilities of the Superdaddyman are tested with so much raw evil in one place. Superdaddyman was finally able to recognize the fastest streak of them all and made a much more clumsy grab at it, but accomplished his goal. In front of the greatest super hero stood the most diabolical of all super villains, Captain ADHD himself.

Over the years the super abilities of Captain ADHD has evolved quite a bit. He still has the over powering ability to create chaos and at great speed, the ability to out irrational anyone in half a heartbeat, and of course the ability to argue beyond the point of return. Now that it is mixed in with an ever changing voice that can potentially out-whine Imtoocutus it has not only gotten more diabolical to maintain but a heck of a lot harder to tolerate. Well that is for anyone aside from Mini Evil's warden Softieatheart. She spent a few minutes explaining to the Superdaddyman {through his wretching and making sick faces} how she likes to give all the evil lil bastards a big hug and remind them that “Softieatheart loves them.” The Superdaddyman assured her that every day he pats the two evils's that haven't escaped the Casa di Evils's on the head every morning and tells them that Softieatheart loves them too. Many in attendance found humor in that, so the Superdaddyman let them believe that it was a joke and not the God's honest truth.

When the food was taken off the grill by Softieatheart's hubby {codename: Softieatheart's Hubby .. he doesn't star in these things very often yanno?} he made a mad dash for the table. The food no sooner hit the table then an eruption that looked like a cross between the Tasmanian Devil and a Type 5 {Finger of God} Tornado swirled around the table for about 15 seconds and what was left looked eerily like Watts after the riots, only with a bit more looting. The trails of smoke out in the front yard were slowing down as the day wound down, but still you couldn't see many faces, just a lot of belching and crumbs since food was introduced into the scenerio. Then an inner tube was introduced into the fracas. You could see it bouncing from bolt of lightning to wisp of smoke to tornado to lightning bolt again. Imtoocutus in her new roll that she has taken from the artist formerly known as Lazius Boycrazius walked over to the side of the melee reached into it and came out with the inner tube. All at once the mosh pit stopped and stared at her, then remembered the good old days when Lazius Boycrazius would pick them up and slam them all on their heads and saw the irony of the situation before erupting into chaos again.

Knowing full well around seven oclock that the Superdaddyman had done his bit for king and country he reached inside of the scrum and pulled out a child. Damnit wrong one, so he tossed it back in. On the next attempt he had the right one and he reminded Captain ADHD that it was time to go. The tower alarms went off and they sounded oddly like “But I don't wanna, but everyone else gets to stay, but the party isn't over yet, but I need to, but I'm supposed to, But but but but bawaaaaaaaah” which never works for him, but he's a slow learner. When the Superdaddyman was forced to pull him out of the pile of chaos again it was to remind Captain ADHD about how well it goes over when he punishes people for doing nice things for him. He moped over to the Superdaddymobile where Imtoocutus was already sitting and the show was officially on the road.

Back at the Casa di Evils's the diabolical Captain ADHD started his long search to find everyone and anyone that would listen to his tale of woe having been dragged away from such a great party that he had been at for about 28 hours at that point. Imtoocutus was exhausted from just being there four hours, but she does have the Lazius chromosome in her. Captain ADHD only has that chromosome when it is something he HAS to do, and if it is merely something he WANTS to do then he doesn't have a slow speed or an off switch. In the end he was resigned to the fact that he only had his cat to explain the woes of how nobody loves him everybody hates him and how worms actually taste. The cat of course is his true partner in crime in everything he does and patiently sits there while it is being explained to her. The Superdaddyman goes down to the Superdaddycave to check on something and give Captain ADHD time to cool off, and then goes back upstairs to explain “the law” to him. That was going to have to wait though as it was now eight oclock and Captain ADHD and his cat were both passed out on the bed exhausted from all the evil in the one case and exhausted from all the explanation on the other ;8o)

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And Then There Were Two - Volume 1

2011-02-08T14:47:00.000-05:00

The fiddling has ended, Rome is burned. I haven't got a clue whether I heard that somewhere or I came up with it all on my own, but it fits the scenario around here. The last few days have been a plethora of platitudes {yeah that sounds silly but bear with me here} not the least of which is my favorite single father line, “You'll never reach your 2000 attaboys, because everything is potentially an aweshit!” Needless to say as I write this I am headlong into the “angry” phase of recovering from an issue. Hopefully by the time I finish writing this I will be coming out the other end, but you never know because life is a funny thing, when you live it.

I put “The fiddling has ended, Rome burned” as my status on Twitter and Facebook Sunday night and I am pretty sure that most people thought it had to do with the Super Bowl, when in reality it had to do with the drama happening here during the Super Bowl. My daughter finally had the rage filled, vindictive moment she had been clamoring for during the past year, and she left this house in a blaze of glory, ensuring that any return she ever makes will add to my ulcer count. It probably won't because I have had enough of it all, and quite frankly had many months ago, but was just sitting around waiting for the bridge to burn. I finally got that and as depressing as it might have been when it happened there is still a modicum of relief that it is finally playing out. It never had to but at the same time it had to, and that is where the angry part happens.

I make no bones about the fact that I am a man who fights the urge to be a misogynist, and it's an uphill climb. I absolutely hate women, and when I put on a smiling face and attempt to be kind, it is mostly a smokescreen of discontent until whatever woman I happen to be dealing with finally does whatever it is that she needs to do to make me hate her. This is a long progression based on genetics and a family of women that live forever and send the men to an early grave. My father has officially broken the record of life expectancy as he turned 71 last November, and he was the first man to make it to 70 at all on both sides of my family. My great grandmother had died several years back at the age of 92, and she was the first in several generations to not make it to 100. I have long since given up on the jealousy of all this as I had realized that it probably was a gift from God. I attribute my father's willingness to live from the fact that after my mother my father had completely given up on women, raised me to the best of his ability and then escaped to another part of the country where he could be completely free from the women in his own family. He may actually be brilliant, but who knows, it could just be a divine intervention.

This was all predicated by two women in particular in my life, one being the infamous Greektradgedius Inyiddish, and the Diabolical Lazius Boycrazius. I have done very well to paint the picture of my life in general as a cartoon with some sort of a meaning from the mundane torture that it truly is. I take it all for better or for worse, wrap it up in a pretty package, tie a bow on it and then sell it to everyone and at times I have had success in it, and most of the time I have not. This story ended with Lazius Boycrazius storming out of the house, never to return in a blaze of glory that rocked my little world. She was, of course driven there by Greektradgedius Inyiddish, but she holds no innocence in any of this. As a father that tried to keep the peace but more often than not simply tried to ignore the agony, I knew it was going to happen and it is a bitter sweet level of angry that I have right now.

Let me just state the facts. GTIY never did accept LBC, and as I was in tears and yelling at her yesterday I finally got her to admit what I have known for a very long time. After exclaiming to her that I had no hope that she wasn't going to pick one of the other children and hold them to an unreachable standard, and make our lives a living hell until they charge out the door never to return again she said the magic words I knew were hidden in there, “They're different because of their genetics,” and I don't think she even realizes how awful that statement truly was. That statement needed to be out there so I could simply drop it all, and I gave her the “Yes ma'am” treatment for the rest of the conversation. I didn't care what she had to say anymore and I simply let her rant, just like I am letting her sit up there and pout right now. I don't care, because this is not my issue, and I am done with all that grief, but she better watch out when I find myself desperately clinging to what little bit of a relationship I have left with Captain ADHD, who will inevitably be the next one to take the abuse.

Facts and reactions from that last paragraph were that I was in tears because I lost my daughter in all of this. Despite her admittance that she was never really “one of us” she was and always will be my baby girl. For better or for worse and what made me furious with her was I {ME, JEREMY, The typical male to take the blame in this family} was now sitting here in the beginning process of one of the things that makes the women in my family intolerable, and there wasn't an ounce of understanding from one of the harpy's that takes these issues out on everyone. You see the great lie that GTIY throws out there, and I wasn't going to take for a second on that day was that LBC was the worst child she ever had to deal with. This infuriates me because on LBC's worst day she doesn't compare to the unspeakable hell that my mother put everyone through, and more to the point, she puts us all through to this day. To pretend that my 18 year old daughter is any worse than the 60 year old daughter that this woman ignored will NOT be tolerated anymore, and she might not have heard a word I said, but I said it, and I am still furious about it as I try to logically explain it to myself here. My daughter happens to be {despite her glaring flaws} one of the best women for her age produced in this fucked up family. With that said, let me start explaining why I am angry at HER.

My daughter of course, despite have a few extra values that many of the women in my family have is extremely lazy. She probably doesn't see it but what person does at 18? I think the perfect term here is a Natural Born Quitter. In many things she will give it the old college try for a very long time before she quits and in many other things she won't even make an attempt. She doesn't have what the males in the family have {genetics} which is the ability to take solace in doing the right thing and then the self righteousness that someone else is being irrational. All she had to do was clean her room. It sounds pretty stupid every time I say it out loud, but it's the truth. I couldn't defend her anymore, and in the end I had to simply let her take the abuse because she wouldn't do the one thing that was a stipulation of her leading a moderately peaceful life under this roof. Every time it came down to the gravel hitting the dirt the one condition she was given was to keep her room clean. Now mind you, it was horribly irrational to expect her to keep it clean all the time as GTIY whined about incessantly, but she never tried once. She created a disgusting pigsty, and she flaunted it in everyone's face. She let it destroy her life in general actually and in the end, I had to let go and let her fall apart.

This was a much larger progression of what she did to herself and I am done {yes completely done} with blaming myself for any of it. You order shit, you eat shit. I filled out a mountain of paperwork when she was in eighth grade so she could get a Future's Scholarship, which would have paid her way to any college she chose if she just kept her grades up. She didn't in the least, and kept me in four strait years of anguish over her throwing that away. She then somehow managed to still hold onto that at the very end, and then pretended to care about it. Then she never really had any intention of going through with it, and used all of this drama to blame everyone for why she was never going to go to college. She jumped the shark on my caring about any of this by throwing it in my face {through others} that she couldn't go because I {ME JEREMY The dad} had to come up with $1000 because of my income requirements, but I am too poor so it will never happen. Of course she never once talked to me about it, just threw that one around to everyone else. Poor poor LBC, because I could have come up with that $1000 at the snap of a finger, either through my father or as a loan against my 401k, but I wasn't going there with someone who made it so damn obvious that it was all a ruse.

Of course the fiddle started playing back in April, when of course after being told to clean her damn room, she chose instead to start packing up all of her stuff, and writing me a long letter explaining her frustrations, and how she was moving out after school ended. She then started being a horrible tenant, because she was a short timer. Her room went from an uncontrolled mess to a pigsty. When she was all graduated and ready for the move, surprise surprise, all of the people that blew smoke up her ass about how she didn't have to deal with us meanie heads, and our stupid rules, threw their hands up in the air, and didn't actually have a place for her to live. She didn't ask us to stay here, she simply announced it to all of us. With the fact that she was still pretending to be going to school in the fall I went and swallowed my pride to the “women” {fucking women} and managed to broker another deal for her to stay. Condition number 1, room has to be clean. Day 2 room was a pigsty, and so on and so forth. Later on down the road she “announced” that she would be going to school in January, sloppy ass mess of a room and all she was given what we thought would be the last chance in October when she officially turned 18, and three months of hell followed, as her and her lack of obligation fulfillment left me with a whiney grandmother every damn day. The beginning of last month I told her that it was time for her to leave. If you aren't a part of the cure you're probably a part of the cause.

Needless to say finally “the women” got together and determined that she had to have a deadline. The end of the month she would have to be gone, and they did bring it to me. I was so sick of it all I agreed, and at this point to be honest with you I was more sick of it on the daughter's end because she WAS bringing this all on herself at this point. A clean fucking room is a very small rent to pay in today's day and age. She desperately wanted to be thrown out. The fiddle was raging and Rome was burning at a furious pace. And to be honest with you I was amazed that they gave her another week to collect her crap and get out. She then started with the lying and self abuse, sleeping in her car one night when it was in the teens out, and blaming my grandmother for locking her out, which SHE NEVER DID. I had to be strong and not worry about her and her outright stupidity doing something like that. I relied on another one of MY platitudes, “She has her own higher power and I AIN'T IT,” because I of all people should know that when someone is going to self destruct you let them or they will never change. Then the lying about us not letting her have her things so she was sneaking them out of the house. The fires had hit the capital of Rome.

Finally her last Sunday had arrived. She had basically decided that she was going to move out on Monday instead, and didn't even bother to tell any of us. She came in late to GTIY sitting in the living room and simply “announced” that she was going out with her boyfriend would be back late and moving out the next day. Lets keep in mind that I was downstairs watching the Super Bowl so I didn't hear what happened so I am sure I should just blame both of them and carry on. She apparently went up to her room and threw her stuff out the window {a lie because later on GTIY said that she was piling things at the top of the stairs and her boyfriend was carrying it out} and my grandmother went up to hang out in my aunts part of the house while it was all going on. I knew nothing of any of this. Apparently my daughter storms around the house throwing things very quietly because I didn't hear any of it. As a matter of fact I didn't even know any of it happened until after my daughter had left, and went looking for my grandmother and found her upstairs. I was told what happened by my ex-wife, and actually was in denial about it.

Yesterday of course GTIY finally got me to explode with the whole “I don't want her in this house so you need to find a way to get her stuff to her,” story. I was enraged, but held my temper as best I can. My attitude was, “Is this bullshit never going to end?” My daughter had finally had the explosion that her and GTIY had desperately wanted and couldn't they just get on with their lives? Apparently not as my daughter had posted her little rant about how she wished she had killed her grandmother on Facebook. How fucking sweet is that? I gave up, she can burn out in her own misery but I won't be coddling her emotions on all of this. Life is unfair, and she's got a lot of years to learn that, and I have told her that enough already. GTIY is still upstairs pouting me into submission as I said before and she can turn blue {although I don't wish her dead} over it because as I had stated earlier, this is a lot of crap that she is too old to work through, and SHE has her own higher power and I AIN'T IT too! I'll give you one last platitude, “If you love something set it free, if it comes back, you better find out why before you accept it as back,” I've been down this road before and due to my family genetics I probably only have another 20 or so years left, and that is too short to deal with the ulcers ;8o)

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Christmas Countdown - 2010 - 1 Day

2010-12-24T13:38:00.001-05:00

From the Boston Glob Page 8, December 25, 1982 ..

It has crossed the news desk of SeeBS news 4 that earlier today in Nazareth, Massachusetts a child was born to the shock and horror of local law enforcement surrounded by circumstances that could only be described as “odd” by the Chief of Police spokesperson.

Aside from the obviously unsafe circumstances, such as being born in a manger surrounded by various farm animals, there appeared to certain “extraordinary” circumstances that forced the Department of Human Services to come and take this child from his unfit parents one Mary and Joseph {both claiming the last name Ofnazareth} and placed into an anonymous facility or as we affectionately call it “the system.”

During the police raid the obviously delusional parents were ranting things like “virgin birth” and “savior” a reliable source tells SeeBS news 4, while also attesting to various nefarious members of society claiming to be “kings” and “wise men.” We are following leads that source them as possible NAMBLA affiliates. In any regards the sanitary conditions of the shed and manger alone warrant removal of said child they claimed they named “Jesus” {obviously Latin Americans} for further safety issues.

At their arraignment they claimed {and it was confirmed} that they were only in town to pay their taxes to the community in which they were born. The story was substantiated by the town clerk that the “Ofnazareths” indeed were born in Nazareth, and there perhaps was a shortage of hotel rooms, but the Governor has proclaimed them homeless refugees already so diligently SeeBS News 4 will not let the facts get in the way of a good story. Unfortunately the Governor has seemed to have misplaced the location of the child originally named “Jesus Ofnazareth” which has only been made more complicated by his renaming “Christian Hatemonger” and coincidentally lost in the system of one of the larger cities. “We are sure that everything will work out for the best from here,” claimed one DHS spokesperson.

From the Boston Glob Page 1, December 25, 2000 ..

Police were called in to deal with hate speech allegations by one "Christian Hatemonger", who has been going around the cities of Massachusetts preaching his version of values to the population at large. His crime of displaying something he called a “Diorama” {he claims is of his own birth} in a public location in plain sight of everyone was the final straw of a long history of bad deeds. Many people gathered around to watch this spectacle forcing the police to fear a “cult like” mentality.

Christian Hatemonger has been noted on several occasions talking publicly about such horrific things as, taking away a woman's right to choose, the sabbath, going to church, baptism, loving your neighbors {especially to the horror of most, children}, and various other values that are none of his business. Most allegations have been corroborated by many in the community.

Not much is known about Christian Hatemonger aside from the information that has been reported on him in the past from reporters Mathew, Mark, Luke and John, but apparently Christian Hatemonger was born a Jew, and since has converted to Christianity before spewing his hate speech throughout the Commonwealth. SeeBS News 4 has been covering the story as it transpires.

Although heinous in nature the crimes levied against Christian Hatemonger have not kept his evil locked away for long, as this morning he was released on his own recognizance, and is again on the loose. Please keep your eyes open for any more hate and rhetoric that is being bandied about by this obviously wicked man.

From the Boston Glob Page 3, December 25, 2010 ..

Police arrived on the scene of a brutal murder today in Golgatha Massachusetts. Almost three decades of hate speech from one Christian Hatemonger has finally come to an end. Police weren't ready for what they actually found, as a brutally beaten and crucified body was found on one of the hills in Golgatha {affectionately called “The Place of the Skull” by the local residents} and immediately was recognized due to his reckless disregard of common decency over the span of his short life.

Christian Hatemonger first came to prominence when his parent had given birth to him in a manger of a stable in the town of Nazareth. The debauchery surrounding that event forced the state to take the child the parents had named Jesus, away and into the state system, where despite many years of publicly funded education, the young Jesus Ofnazareth {renamed by his Foster Parents “Christian Hatemonger”} still fell astray. We can only go back to his horrible parents who in the one day they actually had custody of him, had damaged him for life. We all know the state couldn't have been involved. As he aged his intolerance for diversity had gone from bad to worse. Preaching constantly for love and peace were simply a guise to hide his true hatred of wonderful institutions like “choice” and “diversity” and many times “penance.”

We here at the Boston Glob and our partners at SeeBS News 4 do not in any way condone the crucifixion of another human being, but regretfully have to admit our leanings toward mercy. It was a long cruel life for a very troubled man who was so riddled with psychosis that often he thought he was the son of God, tried to lead the evil Jews towards his version of a better path, had the audacity to try to convert members of the Religion of Peace to his fabricated religion of hate and rhetoric. While crucifixion is a horrible way to end the life of another human being, he was a symbol of scorn known all over the world.

With the death of Christian Hatemonger we here at The Boston Glob and SeeBS News 4 are confident that many of the misunderstood people of the world who have chosen to kill themselves in the process of trying to prove a point to Christian Hatemonger and those that believe his rhetoric can finally have the peace they so richly deserve. Today will go down in history as a day of peace without Christian Hatemonger's and their type of angry, vile, hate speech for years to come.

Governor Deval Patrick was not available for comment, but one of his spokespeople assure us that Christian Hatemonger will be buried in an unmarked crypt, and precautions will be taken to assure he stays there. Whatever that actually means ;8o)

For those who are missing the Christmas Countdown stories of old that aren't being reposted this year, or crave some of the Christmas graphics I have made over the years, I have created a site dedicated to them all .. The 365 Days of Christmas @ The Crow's Nest .. Feel free to poke around it or any of the Madman's site The Crow's Nest ...

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Christmas Countdown - 2010 - The Wrath of the Penguins - 2 Days

2010-12-23T13:00:00.000-05:00

... Continued from Part Two {Start at Part One?}

I'm happy to say that I wore my stay puft jacket considering my breath was coming out, crystallizing and falling in front of me. It made it hard for me to ask the first few hundred questions, but once I got warmed up I was on a roll, “Why are you evil? How far is it now? Why do I have a blindfold on? How come you don't live somewhere warmer?” and in the beginning I had them right where I wanted them. Well that was until they gagged me as well.

We trudged and we trudged until I was just about at the breaking point of my little legs. What a brilliant idea to just fly off to Antarctica on a moments notice, just to find a heavily armed fortress waiting for us. To be honest I was completely in the dark until I heard a voice that could only be my arch nemesis say, “See! I told you that a gag would work!” and I couldn't even tell him off with the stupid gag in my mouth. Hell I couldn't even use my secondary weapon {a good pinch} with my hands shackled together. Heaven forbid he show any gratitude that I at least TRIED to save his useless butt!

Of course they shackled me to the wall right beside Captain ADHD and I saw the Superdaddyman shackled to the wall on the other side of him. There was no sign of Lazius Boycrazius, and apparently Santa and the reindeer were taken elsewhere. The penguins and their automatic weapons were all around us, in the corner of the room was a rather large pile of batteries, how odd. Penguins came in and out dumping large handfuls of batteries in the pile, and my curiosity didn't last long when Superdaddyman said, “At least we know what happens to all those batteries that die quickly at home,” which had Captain ADHD nodding along. I was still gagged, the bastards!

Captain ADHD took advantage of the silence by talking to himself. You've never seen a person hold more involved conversations with himself than this twelve year old mastermind. Most of the time he seems to be encouraging others to overhear what he is saying, in a passive aggressive sort of way, and this time was no different. Of course I was too busy trying to work the gag away from my mouth with my tongue to take too much notice but something he mumbled got the attention of the penguins really fast. “Of course those weapons they are carrying are super secret government issue, and rumor has it that military and various unsavory Chicago thugs get their hands on them,” Don't ask me how he knows these things, but let's just say he does a lot of internet research on things the average twelve year old doesn't.

Penguins went scurrying about the second he said that, and within a few minutes a larger than normal {meaning about three feet tall} penguin came walking in and smacked Captain ADHD across the face. After pulling out a step ladder of course, because despite the Captain's slightly smaller size he is still a giant as compared to the average penguin. The penguin then jumped off the ladder just as Captain ADHD seemingly kicked it out from under his feet, “What do you know kid?” the penguin lashed out at him. Take it from me, that was a stupid question.

“I know that you all seem to be rather well stocked, and my best guess would be that a certain evil bastard with bulging eyes and a lack of Christmas appreciation, is probably behind it,” the Captain said in a bit of a mumble which means his passive-aggressive skills are being sharpened as we speak. This of course brought the step ladder back, and another smack across his face. I of course had just about worked the gag out of my mouth, and was about to say the name, that he was eluding too. After all I had fallen prey to one of this evil doers plots in the past, although it was nice to be respected as a queen. It only fits my adorable personality. Of course the penguin put in charge of watching me firmly reattached the gag before I could quite get it off my mouth.

Of course around the corner and into the cell walked the Ghost of Easter past walked into the cell, and he didn't need a step ladder to walk over and smack Captain ADHD. “You are a shrewd one, but keep in mind that you are MY prisoner at the moment,” Rahm Emanuel said to Captain ADHD. “You've been very active keeping my bid to take over Chicago, and I had to do something about that didn't I?”

Captain ADHD spit blood into Rahm's face and said, “You haven't seen anything yet, you freak! You don't think I haven't taken steps to make sure the chaos ensues even if I am away from the computer?” which is no idle threat, trust me I've seen this kid at work, “Tomorrow every major newspaper in the country will receive expertly Photoshopped images of you and a goat in lingerie!” which bought him another smack across his face, but Rahm was done with him for the moment, as he turned to look at me.

“As for you Ms. Toocutus, you should have listened to your brother and gotten the six gallons of gasoline, 3 balls of yarn, eighteen number two pencils, a jar of pickles, and two brass thimbles, when you had the chance, but you didn't!” he let out a fiendish laugh that didn't scare me of course. Lack of mortality sense is an advantage of a ten year old girl after all. “That's the one thing I have going for me, is that you are to busy yammering away to listen to any good advice,” and what the hell did he expect? That's also the character traits of a ten year old girl!

Little did Rahm know that my greates super power couldn't be quelled for long. Actually ask around and you will know that NOBODY can keep my quiet for this long, unless of course it brings some advantage to me! Using nothing more than sheer mental force the gag ripped away from my mouth, and I used my super ability to evil quite proper! “Why did you kidnap us? Does the president know you are here? Why do your eyes bulge out like that when you are angry? How come you are turning red? Why do you think the penguins will be able to stop us? Didn't your mother hug you as a baby? Why are you evil? Where is my sister?”

The stream of useless non stop questions that left my mouth beguiled him and before he knew it he was taken in by my spell, and worse yet, he started answering my questions mindlessly, “Because I need you fools put away so I can take over the world through Chicago .. Of course he doesn't, he only knows what I tell him .. I don't know .. Screw you .. Because they are evil like me .. NO .. Chicago …... I don't know!” and with that last answer I had him!

My super fast evil mind knew that he had let the cat out of the bag! The president only knows what he tells him, and the president had told me that the penguins had my sister. Rahm doesn't know where she is. Instantaneously I knew what I had to do! I scrunched my face up as tight as I could and started screaming like I had fallen on a pile of broken glass, “LA LA LA LAZIUS .. LAZIUS BOYCRAZIUS!!!!” I screamed out with everything I had, huge crocodile tears flying everywhere. Rahm just looked at me all bemused, as if he thought what I was doing was simply senseless.

“HA!” he cried out into the night sky. “Now you know the real reason I have brought you fools down here! Even your voice can't penetrate the frozen air of the South Pole! I even made sure that we placed sound barriers all around the continent to muffle what little ..” THUMP!

The sound of Lazius Boycrazius's voice after Rahm {smack dab in the middle of his rant} took a near fatal blow to the back of his head, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY LITTLE SISTER BITCH!” shot out almost as loud as my own. Where do you think I get it from? I simply perfected the process.

Penguins came flying out of nowhere trying to subdue the rampaging eighteen year old criminal mastermind as she started throwing hay-makers all around. Her new boyfriend Importeus Boycrazius sauntered into the room with a scared look on his face, “I guess I vil vait in ze cah,”

Lazius Boycrazius stopped long enough to look at him and say, “That's great baby, can you just untie Santa in the next igloo, I should only be a minute,” to which he nodded and got out of there. I don't think the average boy wants to watch his girlfriend getting all super bad ass on a gang of penguins after all. She then continued smashing, throttling, and smacking skulls. It was turning into a bloody mess when she stopped and looked at the big penguin laying in a crumpled heap, and yelled down to him, “and you a-holes are going to buy me a new pair of boots cuz you got your blood all over them,” and then kicked him for good measure. Santa came running in at this point with a royally pissed off Rudolf standing next to him with at least eleven penguins impaled on his antlers. I had a faint feeling of deja vu as Rudolf urinated on Rahm Emanuel's head.

I can see how Santa get's all those toys on his sleigh, as the pile of penguins, and a rather lethargic wanna be gangster were all loaded up in the back. Lazius Boycrazius and Importeus Boycrazius both got back in his car and she spit on the pile as they drove off. I'll have to remember to ask her later how they managed to drive out here, intermixed in about seven hundred other hugely important questions that have been eating away at me for hours at least. Santa looked at us all and said, “Everyone get in the sleigh, I barely have time to get you back, drop these clowns off at the Megalopolis penitentiary, and get all the the toys out to the good boys and girls,” he scratched his beard while we filed in, “fortunately that list gets shorter and shorter every year.”

With a lashing of his whip and a thundering of hoofs the sleigh went flying into the night sky. I looked back quiet for a change feeling that somehow it went too easily in the end and thus we must have forgotten something. I went through a mental checklist as I noticed one of my favorite socks in the pile of mismatched socks. The remote to my Barbie VCR must be in that other pile, and lord only knows how many of those batteries were mine. In the end, I was just happy that Christmas is on the way again, and I have plenty of people to hug and squeeze and love and hold and name them George and Georgette! Santa was shouting out Ho Ho Ho into the sky, and it seemed to fit the scene. Even if I won't remember any of this in another four years. Ignorance is bliss. ;8o)

Meanwhile back in Antarctica a strange sound comes from one of the lone igloos in the middle of the continent. It sounds a lot like Christmas carols sung off key and with a lot of the words changed around. Of course there is nobody around to hear them. The evils's all being gone, Santa and his reindeer having already dropped them off {after a stopping at Walmart to get popcorn for Imtoocutus who had found something to nag about that she had forgotten between the “are we there yet” and “I have to pee”} and was heading north to fill his sleigh and rush around the globe. “You better not spit, you stupid little #$%*, you better not bite, you ain't that cute tonight! Superdaddyman's still chained to this wall …..”

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